Juneau

Aww shit y'all!!! Y'all heard of this thing called teenage pregnancy?? Man it turns out that the 17 year old daughter of Peggy Palin is pregnant, and she ain't even married, yo!!! Man that reminds me of that movie I saw last year, Juneau, which was about this teenage girl in Alaska who helped herself to George Michael Bluth's frozen banana and got pregnant. Palin's daughter must've seen that movie and decided to emulate it. Man I tell y'all, no one is safe from the pernicious influence of Hollyweird's moral bankruptcy. So the Palins are saying that Bristol (that's the daugher's name) will keep the baby, but I have my doubts about that. Since she seems to take her cues from Hollywood movies, I expect she'll wind up giving her baby up for adoption just like that girl in Juneau. But luckily for her, the McCains have a history of adopting babyfolk, so I bet they'll adopt Bristol's baby and everything will be alright.

UPDATE: I just fount out that Bristol's siblings' names are Willow, Piper, Track, and Trig. WHAT A WEIRD FAMILY!!! So what does y'all think Bristol and Levi will name their kid? I've narrowed the choices down to: 1) Cedar; 2) Pikachu; 3) Frick; 4) Frak; 5) Krang; 6) Charmander; and 7) Levi Jr.

King of the Hill

Damn y'all heard of this thing called representative democracy??? That's the type of gubmint what we have here in the U.S. of A. This past week the Democrates done had their convention in Denver. My boy Barack H. Obama made himself one hell of a speech last night. Up in Chicago, where I spend my offseasons, O-Bomb's speech was the talk of the town. His inspirational life story is proof that a Harvard Law graduate can grow up to be a viable Presidential candidate, no matter how half-black he may be. I think I'ma vote for tha O-Bomb solely because he likes basketball and I've heard from various inside sources that if elected, he'll give me an important job at the Department of the Interior as Secretary of the Paint. But shit, Obama's got his work cut out for him since that old Republicanese dude John McCain be running neck and neck with him in the polls. Plus McCain managed to defuse some of the momentum Obama gained from his speech last night by finally announcing his running mate today. And what a surprise it was. I don't even know who Sarah Palin is. All I know is that she's a woman and she's from Alaska (which I didn't even know was a state until today. Apparently it's really big too). That's some crazy shit, having a Presidential candidate from Hawai'i and a VP candidate from Alaska. Man whatever happened to good old continental American values such as coterminosity and contiguousness? Anyways, the McCain-Palin ticket is sure to go over well with animated residents of Arlen, Texas.




"I killed fitty men in WW2!!!"

The Sun is the source of all Heat

Damn y'all heard of this thing called the Sun? I just got traded to that team down in Phoenix!!! How about that shit??? Yass indeed!!! Man I'ma miss Coach Pat and ma boy Dwyane, but seriously y'all, this year's Miami Heat sucked. I'm glad I get the chance to play for a contender. Now I'll have a chance to get a 5th championship ring, which is cool since that's the number of fingers I have on each hand. Holla!!! I was thinking about discontinuing this blog since it's called "Heatblog" and starting a new one called "Sunblog", but then I remembered that the Sun is the source of all heat in this here planet called Urf, so what the hell. Plus I'm too lazy. I may not update this blog for a while, though, since I'm not sure if they got the intronets down in Mexico.

MARDI GRAS YOU ALL!!!

Yo wussup mon peopleses??? Y'all heard of this here holiday called the Mardi Gras??? I think that's French for "Super Tuesday". Anyway that's the holiday where we get to vote on who runs for predident later this year. All the candidates try to attract voters by throwing doubloons, beads, and other assorted cheap plastic trinkets into the crowd. So which krewe is y'all gonna vote for? I always liked the Krewe of Bacchus, but I think it would make a better vice-president so I ain't gonna vote for it. I was thinking of voting for the Krewe of Zeus but then I saw those incriminating photos of what it was doing with the Krewe of Little Rascals. That shit was sick. Some pundits on the TV been saying that the Krewe of Isis finnuh win, since it's about time that this country welcomes an all-female krewe. But my candidate of choice is still the Krewe of Zulu. I don't really care one way or another, just as long as the tyrannical rule of Rex is ended.

Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail trying to get beads, I mean votes.

Sore Hip

Damn Chad y'all heard of this national basketball association of America known as the NBA??? The team I play for, the Miami Heat, currently has a record of 9-33. That's 9 wins and 33 losses. A winning percentage of .214. We're 17 games out of first place. Plus I got an injured hip which will keep me out of the lineup for 2 weeks. Man our chances of making the playoffs are pretty much dead. You might as well call us the Miami Heath. Oh! Too soon??

Le Football Americain

Dude y'all heard of this thing known as the NFL??? Them fools be playing themselves a Super Bowl soon. I would be paying more attention to the NFL playoffs if the Saints were in it. The fact that they missed the playoffs this year is some straight booty. I blame the liberal media and their anti-Christianity bias. Can't let a team named the Saints have any success, but a team with a blatantly homosexual name like the Packers made it all the way to the NFC championship game. That shit is so rigged, like when the Patriots won the Super Bowl right after the 9/11, and when Bin Laden released his new video a few months later it contained footage of St. Louis Rams practices that he accidentally forgot to erase. But watch, necks year them Saints is gonna go 19-0 and win the Super Bowl. Pierre Thomas is gonna rush for 2,000 yards (no more, no less) and Reggie Bush is gonna be on the team too and what not.

More evidence of the liberal sportsmedia's anti-Christianity bias can be found via this link, which for realsies horrified and disgusted me. Dana Jacobson, an ESPN anchorwoman, said "Fuck Jesus" at a celebrity roast for fellow ESPNers Mike & Mike. Understandably, people are very upset with her, but I think her critics fail to see the larger problem. While the Jesus bashing bothers me, the cannibalism inherent in the concept of a celebrity roast bothers me a lot more. I know celebrities taste better than normal people but still cannibalism is illegal I'm pretty sure. But I guess if you're going to cook celebrities, it might as well be Mike & Mike. That one Mike dude looks like he could feed the entire Patriots offensive line.

11 O'Clock Politics Talk

Say y'all heard of this thing called politics??? Them folk in Iowa done had their caucus the other day. I know summa y'all immature peoples might snicker at the word 'caucus', but please people, grow up. The etymology of that word has nothing to do with what y'all think it does. In fact, the term 'caucus' derives from the fact that only the votes of Caucasians actually count in our electoral system. So now that I've cleared up that source of confusion, allow me to move on to my analysis. I know that summa y'all immature peoples might snicker at the word 'analysis', but please people...oh never mind.

It was kind of surprising to see Chirac Hussein Osama win the Democratic caucus, seeing as how he's not really white or anything. But I guess the Democrats just love his name. Also it was cool how at his victory speech he took the mic and started rapping: I'm winnin' caucuses/ just like Mike Dukakis/ in a pair of moccasins/ see y'all in Washington/ in that District of Columbia/ replace that shortsighted Double-yuh/ cuz I sees farther than Hubble, uhh!/ got more beats than Steven/ gonna be a change y'all can believe in/ finnuh be a president who ends the tax breaks for companies that ship our jobs overseas/ finnuh put a middle-class tax cut into the pockets of working Americans who deserve it and improve access to health-care and end the war in Iraq and bring the troops home. Hmm just noticed that last part doesn't really flow that well. Still, it was pretty good for something extemporaneously delivered by someone who was likely on crack at the time.

Also suprising was Mike Huckabee winning the Republican caucus. I don't think America is ready for a bass-playing president. Brass instruments such as Clinton's saxomaphone are fine, but it'll take another generation before stringed instruments are accepted. Also, dude is crazy and he wanted to quarantine people who have AIDS. He has a better chance of residing in the Canadian National Igloo than the White House.

Does y'all think the results of the Iowa cactus are a good predictor of which candidates wind up making it to the general election? It would be cool if Obama and Huckabee face off in the end, especially if the rumor is true and Obama winds up choosing me as his running mate. If he doesn't, I think I'ma vote for Ron Paul. I don't know anything about his platform, but his kid is tearing up the NBA.

UPDATE: Apparently, there's a 'New' Hampshire now, and them folks done had their primary today. In the Republican primary Mike Huxtable came in third while John McWayne won. I wonder what instrument he plays. Also, that dude Obama lost to a girl! HA HA!!!

LSU + BCS = BFF!

Man y'all seen how my alma mater done won the BCS Championship game? Awww jeeeeahhh!!! I knew this was gonna be hilarious from the opening coin toss when the ref said "LSU is the visiting team, they get to call it in the air." Yup, the team travelling 70 miles that also has a significant amount of alumni who live in the city the game is being played in should definitely be considered the visiting team, while the team that has to travel 900+ miles should be named the home team. That makes sense. Not that I can complain.

Man I was skurred when that dude Beanie Wells had that long touchdown run early in the game, but that just reminded me of that playoff game my Heat had in 2006 when the Bulls dominated the early going and shut us down while jumping out to a 2-0 lead. We didn't let that get us flustered though, and we wound up coming back to win by fourteen, 92-78. Booyah in ya face, Luke Schenscher!

But shit, y'all seen how they showed EJ's stadium on tha television screen?? That shit was kewl. But the announcer dude called it "John Yenni" stadium when first of all, it's "Joe," not "John," and most importantly, they forgot his middle initial, which makes the proper name "Joseph Schieste Yenni" stadium. Geez.

UPDATE: Les Miles just called LSU "a great place to get an education." WOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!!

Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup

What up you all?!?! Y'all heard of this thing called blogging? I been taking some time off from that but now that Sir Fatty is back in the saddle, I figured I may as well revive my blog as well. When at the buffet, eat as the fatties do. And anyway, now that my Heat are basically the worst team in the NBA, I'ma be on auto-pilot the rest of the season so I'll be able to blog mo'.

I know my devoted fans is wondering what I've been up to lately, so here goes. Miami has been depressing with all the losing and all, so for New Year's I went to my old stomping grounds of Baton Rouge. That's French for 'Red Baton.' There was a partee at Leno's where we played up on some beer pong. I shoot ping pong balls about as well as I shoot free throws, so my team lost a bunch. Kinda like the the Heat.

Also there was a wedding in NOLA that I went to. Dikembe Mutombo didn't crash it, so that was cool. Speaking of weddings and Dikembe Mutombo, y'all heard how the Saints tanked down the stretch and wound up missing the playoffs at 7-9? Man I just might quit basketball and suit up as a cornerback for the Saints. I'm prolly 2 or 3 feet taller than Jason David.