A Hollaween Story

Yo Happy Hollaween you all! What did y'all dress up as? I was invited to this party, but I wasn't so sure what I was going be at first. I just knew that I wanted to go as a scarier monster than I did last year, when I went as Predident George. Finally I decided to go as a 7'2'' 350 lbs. version of one of the cancer-causing strains of the Human Papilloma Virus. Unfortunately, this other dude I know came dressed up as a vaccine that is almost 100% effective in immunizing against my particular strain of HPV. I thought the shit was going to hit the fan, but then lucky for me all these conservatives came to my aid and killed the other dude, thereby leaving me free to cause cancerous lesions on the cervixes of more than ten thousand American women annually. Preventing cancer is wrong if there's a chance it might lead to increased sexual activity among teenagers. Abstinence is more important than life. Cancer isn't the disease; promiscuity is the disease and cancer is the cure. This was the best Hollaween ever. I love my fellow humans.

WHITE SOCKS WIN THA WORLD SERIES!!!!

AWWW JEEEAHHH!!!!! Man y'all seen how them White Socks cremated the Astros? HA HA in your face Carl Rove! HA HA. White Socks 4-life! The Miami Heat of baseballs!!! This is like the 15th year in a row an American team has won the World Series!!! HA HA American pride 4-life!!! What the matter is, France?!?!? Bitches!!! Cuba sux!!! Japan is lame!! HA HA Fuck you Castro!! You ain't got no penis! HA HA!!! Carl Rove sux!!! HA HA where is Korea?!?!?!


Frank Thomas is kewl.

Wednesday Morning Endangered Species Intercourse Blogging (Part the Second)

Is y'all ready? I mean, is y'all really ready??? Ready for the wonder that is..... WEDNESDAY MORNING ENDANGERED SPECIES INTERCOURSE BLOGGING!!!!! Fa sho!!! I know I had promised y'all unicorns and all, but that fell through. Turns out that one of the unicorns in the picture I took was underage, so I can't post it without getting into legal trouble. Fret not, though, 'cause what I got for you is even better. Here is some kinky goings on between a alligator and a Burmese python:


This is why you should always use a condom.

I ain't never known that alligators and pythons was into S&M.

Forget the Alamo

Oh man, y’all heard of this city named San Antonio? Man they been trying to take away our Saints from the N.O. But shit, ain’t they got enough teams in Texas? They got like 8 already, 9 if you count the Texas Texans of Houston. Man, San Antonio is practically in Mexico! Might as well give Nicaragua their own franchise. They got all dem Hispanicals who watch futbol instead of football. Plus the name "San Antonio Saints" would violate my rule against retardedly redundant sports franchise monikers. Saint Anthony Saints?!?!? How you goan do dat?!?

The worst part is that most of the Saints players actually want to relocate to San Antonio. What bullshit. Stop bitching about having to fly all the way from San Antonio to Baton Rouge for home games. And please for god’s fucking sake stop bitching about having to be “uprooted” from San Antonio because you just signed the lease on your brand new luxury condo. Wow, such strong ties to S.A. after just a couple of months? Must be quite a charming city! I’m sure the Katrina refugees who lost everything, including their jobs, and who now have to live in shelters, trailers, hotels, etc. without the slightest clue as to how they’ll piece their lives back together will totally empathize with your plight and pray nightly that you receive deliverance from your unfathomably horrendous ordeal. Imagine, having to play 4 home games all the way in fucking Baton Rouge!!! Stay strong, Kendyl Jacox. God will see you through.

The players are also hinting that they prefer the San Antonio crowds over the New Orleans ones. San Antonio fans cheer more often, even when the Saints fuck up. Of course, this is crucial to the Saints, as they fuck up all the time. I think the comparison is unfair since San Antonio fans don’t have the pent-up frustration that results from suffering through mediocrity for 38 years. They’re just happy to have any NFL games played there at all. Just wait till the novelty wears off, Kendyl. Anyway, if they insist that moving to San Antonio, with their larger and more supportive crowds, will lead to better on-field performance, then it’s only fair that we apply this logic further. If the Saints relocate to San Antonio, then the Alamo should relocate to New Orleans. I’m sure New Orleanians would have given Col. Travis, Jim Bowie, Davy Crockett, et al more support than the San Antonians did. Maybe with the increased crowd support, they might have actually won the Battle of the Alamo.

Say Tom Benson, what would it take for you to stay in the NOLA? What if we agree to change the franchise’s name to the “New Orleans Bensons” and have Robert Guillame as the mascot??? Then would you stay? I’m sure that would satisfy your cavernous ego. Being the namesake of an NFL franchise is a legacy not many people can claim. But if you choose to move the Saints, let me warn you: I will be seriously pissed. And believe me, Mr. Benson, you do not want to get on the bad side of this 7’8’’, 450 pound negro. No sir. The New Orleans Saints have pretty much become a fundamental part of the city, so that’s where they belong. They are old as shit, while the San Antonio Saints are merely old as shit from the future.

Baseballs

Man y’all heard of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim??? Fuck them. They used to be the Anaheim Angels and that made sense, but then they had to go and change their name. “Los Angeles Angels”??? What the fuck is that? That is the most retarded, redundant bullshit I’ve ever heard of. I’m amazed that they haven't realized how fucking idiotic their name sounds. It's like having a franchise named the St. Louis Louises. Or worse yet, the St. Louis Lewises. Or worst ever, the Washington Texans of Anaheim (who play all their home games in Puerto Rico). Maybe the White Socks should change their name to match the stupidity of the Angels. They can be the Chicago Chicagos of Chicagoland including northwest Indiana.

But anyway, man y’all seen that game the other night? That shit was some kind of entertaining. Man I couldn’t tell if Pope Josh Paul caught that ball or not, this picture makes it seem like he didn’t. It don’t even matter, long as the White Socks win.

Wednesday Morning Endangered Species Intercourse Blogging

Yo, y'all, it's Wednesday again...so you know what that means!!! Yes, that's right, it's time for our newest recurring feature: WEDNESDAY MORNING ENDANGERED SPECIES INTERCOURSE BLOGGING!!! Fa sho!!! This week, I have for my faithful readers...

UNICORNS!!!






Ha ha, psych! Tricked the fuck out of you, you fat homos! It's really a couple of pandas. But I promise, next week, unicorns.

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