"This may take a few minutes, if you have a large blog."

That shit always makes me giggle.

Quran Quran

Yo wulzup yuh all??? Y'all heard of all this ish regarding Newsweek? In case you haven't heard yet, it turns out that several copies of the Quran were flushed down the toilet at a Newsweek office party. Riots ensued around the glizzobe when the Islamic world found out about Newsweek's blasphemy. More than a dozen people have died due to these riots, and Newsweek's circulation in Kabul has declined precipitously. I wouldn’t even be surprised if Ayatollah Sistani were to issue a fatwa against Newsweek.

The outrage surrounding Newsweek's desecration of the Quran reminds me a lot of a similar situation that occurred around 20 years ago. When I was a little kid I used to love the Iranian synth-pop group Quran Quran, who rose to prominence in the early 80's on the strength of such pro-religion songs as "Crescent Moon on Monday" and "Hungry Like the Wolf (During Ramadan)". However, they incurred the wrath of conservative clerics as their career took a slightly more secular turn with the incendiary singles "Human Images on Film" and "Save a Prayer", which radio stations refused to play until they recorded an edited version entitled "Save 5 Prayers". Even as Quran Quran topped the charts, a fatwa was issued against them in late 1987. Their career never recovered.

That brings us back to Newsweek. What does y'all think will happen if Ayatollah Itoldya declares a fatwa on them? Will it start a trend of fatwas being issued against every company that desecrates the Quran? That could cause a lot of problems for a lot of people. You probably wouldn’t realize it at first, but a lot of the U.S. economy is predicated on the desecration of the Quran. Most construction companies fortify their concrete with shredded bits of Quran. KFC feeds its chickens a mixture of antibiotics, other chickens, and Quran pulp. Finely ground fragments of Quran make their way into most of our domestically produced grain products, as well as many other food/beverage goods. Ever wonder what gives orange juice its brilliant orangy glow? You guessed it, Quran scraps! And of course I don’t need to tell you how important the Quran is to the toilet paper industry. So if you enjoy drinking orange juice and having a clean butt, you should boycott Newsweek.

Ode to Fussman

Please don't kill me, Evan and Moez!!!

Yo y'all, how's it hanging? I ain't been able to update the blog too often lately, on account of the playoffs. I love this game. But anyway, y'all remember everybody's favorite monkey, Fussman Rontrez O'Neal bin Urinesauce? Whatever happened to that dude??? I bin Thinkin about him a lot lately, so I decided to post this hastily thrown-together rap what I done wrote last night. Flavor:

Fussman where you be at?/
Cutest kitty in the world/ you best buhlee dat/
Kitty cat of many names/
Now my life just ain't the same/
Wiffout yo urine stains/
You were the original; better than Glonous and Blueprint/
Them fake ass kitties can't even hang with tha True Pimp/
You always kept it real even though you had no testicles/
With you by my side everyday was like a festival/
Comin' home at night after a boring day of Econ/
Grab a beer, sit next to you, and we finnuh get our freak on/
I can tell by your purring, I couldn't ask for a more grateful friend/
While we chillin' with our peeps Tamron Hall and Walter Jacobsen/
My main man Fussman/
You was more than a cat; you was like my husband/

Being single should be illegal

Yo y'all heard about that lady they got over there down South, the one what got her feet cold so she had to go to New Mexico? Of course you have. It was the top story on all the news channels all last week. Unfortunately, lately it seems interest in this story has been waning. The other day I turned on CNN in the hopes of catching up with the latest runaway bride developments, when instead they were covering some bullshit about some war that we're apparently fighting in Iraq or some election that's about to take place in some country called Britain or some unethical shenanigans that some boy named Tom DeLay has been up to or even some nuclear beef we got with Iraq's brother, Iran. But really, who the fuck cares???!?!?!? I mean shit, enough already, stop with all this bulljunk and just focus on what's really important! Marriage is the fundamental building block of society and has been so for 6000 years, ever since God created the universe. The burgeoning runaway bride menace is a mortal enemy of marriage because it flouts the time-honored convention which states that once a woman says 'Yes' to her beau she becomes his property. In fact, I would say that runaway brides pose almost as great a threat to marriage as the insidious Homo-sexual Lobby. The public needs to be informed of these attacks on the very edifice upon which our civilized judeo-Christian heterosexuous society was built. I think there should be a Runaway Bride Channel to help us keep up with the latest in prematrimonial ambivalence. After all, knowing is half the battle.

The other half of the battle is punishment. So, what do y'all think would be sufficient punishment for this woman? I think perhaps 5-10 years in jail and a six-digit fine would be fair. Also, she should be forced to marry her fiance. I don’t recommend the death penalty or anything, since what she did to marriage wasn’t as bad as what the Homo-sexual Lobby does. On the other hand, if it turns out that she was in cahoots with the homo-sexuals, then she deserves severe punishment. I'm thinking maybe transfer her to Guantanamo where she can be gang-married by military interrogators.

Of course, fully crushing the runaway bride menace will require much blood, sweat, tears, saliva, elbow grease, smegma, and various other bodily discharges on our part. I advise that we form Runaway Bride Action Squads in neighborhoods all across the country in order to anticipate and prevent any future runaway bride-related program activities. As Ms. Wilbanks has demonstrated, New Mexico is the hottest destination for runaway brides, presumably due to its proximity to Old Mexico. I am already working with the Minutemen to organize teams of civilian vigilantes to patrol the border and prevent the free movement of runaway brides into and out of these United States. Please people, our future is in our own hands.

Now I'm reading a book

Why? Like Mr. Clinton would say, "because I can".