Siempre Coca-Cola

DAYUM y'all heard about this soft drink called Coca-Cola?!?!?!  Man their marketing people are geniuses.  Before Sunday hardly anyone had heard of Coke but now people can’t stop talking about it.  Some people were pissed off at Coke's Super Bowl commercial but really what were they expecting?  “Coca-Cola” is actually an Algonquin term meaning “universal health care” so it’s no surprise that they would make such a left-wing anti-American commercial.  And anyway the controversial commercial isn't even the most egregious example of Coca-Cola's multicultural ethos.  Did y’all know that there exists something called “Mexican Coke” and it’s not even made with high fructose corn syrup, the most American of sweeteners?  Instead it’s made with this thing called cane sugar whatever that is.  Sounds suspiciously like the dreaded “Uncle Sugar” that Mike Huckabee warned us about.  What's worse, shipments of this “Mexican Coke” have actually hopped the border and are unwittingly being bought by our impressionable American youth in grocery stores and bodegas all over this once great nation.  

Everyone threw a fit when Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City wanted to outlaw large sodas but as it turns out the proposed NYC soda ban was a surprisingly prescient opening salvo in the war against the anti-American globalist forces of Big Soda.  I owe you an apology, Mayor Bloomberg.  I used to think that it was every American’s God-given right to drink as much concentrated diabetes juice as his or her heart desired, but now I see that Americans’ soda intake must be strictly regulated lest they imbibe too frequently from the decadent, multicultural, morally depraved chalice of Big Soda.    

I think I speak for most Conservatives when I say THIS IS AMERCIA WE DON’T SPEAK NO FERN LANGAUGES HERE.  As Joe the Plumber said, America is supposed to be a melting pot.  That means when foreigners come here all the bizarre rituals and customs of their native lands are thrown into a boiling pot so they can be cooked down to a manageable size and subsumed by the dominant mainstream American culture, or what sociologists call the Widespread American Social Paradigm.  We'll call it "WASP" for short.  Immigrants to this great land should be encouraged to adopt the WASP way but of course we have to be patient with those who may have trouble adjusting.  Fortunately for these laggards, helpful Conservatives have set up charitable organizations to smooth the transition to the U.S.  One especially notable welcoming committee aimed at immigrant children is the American Representatives for Youth Assimilation and Naturalization.  They're currently working on some much-needed updates to the Statue of Liberty.  Are y'all familiar with Emma Lazarus' "The New Colossus", the poem engraved on the Statue of Liberty's pedestal?  We need a new new Colossus, because according to the old new one, here are the kind of people we're welcoming to America: "tired", "poor", "huddled masses", "wretched refuse", "homeless", "tempest-tost"... I mean, come on, what a downer!  I ask you, is that the kind of example you want America to set for the world?  I want to see a new-look Lady Liberty who can kick ass and take names, and if the name is too foreign sounding, to change said name into something sufficiently Anglo.   

THIS IS MURKA, OUR LAST NAMES HAVE VOWELS IN THEM!

The other day I was on the phone trying to get a prescription refilled when I heard the four words that every God-fearing American hopes they will never ever have to hear: "Para Espanol, oprima dos." A sharp twinge of terror raced down my spine and I immediately threw the phone down and stomped on it until only a pile of dust remained.  It was a terrifying experience that I'll never forget, basically the 9/11 of phone calls.  It was almost enough to make me call 911.  

The foreigners are destroying everything we used to love about this once great nation from INSIDE THE HOUSE.

That's why the founding fathers fought the Revolutionary War, so that their ancestors would be spared the ordeal of having to press an extra button.  I for one will never give up the fight until automated phone menus start catering to us Bible-believing conservative types.  

"For English, press 1.  For a barely literate Southerner attempting to speak English, press 2..."

Now you Tea Partiers might think you’re safe ditching the cola and just drinking iced tea, but check this out… you want proof that Coca-Cola is pro illegal immigration?  Until recently, Coca-Cola had a joint venture with Nestle to produce Nestea.  Hmmm, Nestea…Nestea… sounds kinda like… AMNESTY.  That can’t be a coincidence!  They were even audacious enough to call their energy drink "A.M. Nestea" and market it with the slogan "Wake up, America!" which thankfully replaced their initial slogan "Down with whitey".    

Mourning in America

One thing this controversy has taught me is that some Americans don't even deserve America.  We may live in the same country, but we certainly don't live in the same world.  I guess these old American xenophobes will die off relatively soon, so that's something to look forward to, but can you really ever kill a mindset?  Maybe fighting xenophobia is like fighting terrorism, they're both doomed to fail.  Whatever.  I did my part by writing a interminably long, rambling, snarky blogpost that no one will ever read.