God Hates Spags

Awww steeznart say y’all heard of this sport called football?  It's pretty much like basketball but without the dribbling and you have to wear tights instead of shorts.  As a child I actually dreamt of being an NFL running back before experiencing an unfortunate growth spurt.  No one wanted a 7'2" 350 pound halfback so I had to settle for being the best basketball player in NBA history.  Anyway it's the middle of football season and I'm excited because my favorite team, the New Orleans Saints, are 6-2 and on top of their division.  It's a substantial improvement from last year's disastrous 7-9 record.  The biggest reasons for the Saints' success this year are the return of head coach/Juicy Fruit enthusiast Sean Payton and the arrival of new defensive coordinator/carbohydrate enthusiast Rob Ryan. 

The Saints got rid of last year's defensive coordinator, Steve Spagnuolo, after just one season.  That might seem a bit rash but keep in mind that the Saints defense was statistically the worst defense of all time.  OF ALL TIME.  You know your shit is weak when Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church are protesting your defense’s ineptitude.  Apparently the 4-3 defense is an abomination in the eyes our Lord, so Phelps and his congregation picketed outside the Superdome before every home game last season, refusing to leave until Saints management promised to hire a new defensive coordinator and install a 3-4 defense.  

Now I'm no fan of Fred Phelps, but I gotta give him props for his role in convincing the Saints to bring in Rob Ryan.  Those Westboro Baptist Church folk may have some strange ideas about sexuality and funeral etiquette, but their church doctrine regarding NFL defensive schemes is surprisingly logical and well constructed.  As the Bible teaches us in Numbers 3:4,

“Nadab and Abihu, however, fell dead before the LORD when they made an offering with unauthorized fire before him in the Desert of Sinai.  They had no sons; so only Eleazar and Ithamar served as priests during the lifetime of their father Aaron.” 

I’m no expert of Biblical exegesis but even a layman can see that this passage prophesies that the switch to a 3-4 defense will lead the Saints to the promised land, i.e. East Rutherford, New Jersey for Super Bowl XLVIII where Rob Ryan, Sean Payton, and Drew Brees will direct the Saints to a dominant 38-10 victory over Jason Campbell's resurgent Cleveland Browns.  Sorry Browns fans.  I just don't think this is your year.