Cocaine Brothers

Haha say y'all heard of this crack-smoking Canadanian dude Rob Ford?  He's the current Mayor of Canada and his brother Drug Ford is a City Councillor.  The Fords of Toronto are a political dynasty much like the Fords of Detroit are an automotive and losing football dynasty.  Rob Ford hails from a part of Toronto called, appropriately enough, Etobicoke.  He's only 44 years old but he's got one of those faces of meth things going on where he looks like he's actually in his 60s.  He'd be great as Toronto's official mascot or Town Crier or comically fat Sheriff, but as Mayor he leaves a lot to be desired.  In addition to the whole crack scandal he's been accused of corruption, racism, sexual harassment, plus this one time he fell down while trying to throw a football and it was pretty hilarious.  I guess Canadians are just as stupid about their politicians as we Americans are, seeing as how Ford has refused to step down yet still has ardent supporters.

Rob Ford sound asleep at a city council meeting held for some reason at Caesar's Palace.

Everyone's having a field day making fun of Rob Ford's striking resemblance to such plumpy spheres as Chris Farley, Rush Limbaugh, John Wayne Gacy, and Grimace, but if you ask me Ford looks and acts most similar to Baron Harkonnen from the movie Dune. 

Crack is the mind-killer.  Crack is the little death that brings total obliteration.

I think ol’ Baron Fordkonnen should lay off the spice, know what I’m saying?  Looks like he’s been trained by the Denny’s Gesserit, am I right?   

Upon his election in 2010  he was hailed by Canadian conservatives as the arrival of the Kwisatz Haderach, a long awaited messianic figure who would lead them to a position of supreme power not just in Toronto, but throughout all of Ontario and even into the Maritime Provinces that's a thing right?  Those are real places?  I don't know much about Canadia.  Unfortunately for Canadian conservatives, after this scandal Ford is looking more like an Ersatz Cadillac. 

As if the crack scandal wasn't enough of a PR nightmare, Ford later badly bungled a press conference held for the express purpose of denying allegations of sexual harassment.  Talking about his accuser, he said (apparently without any regard for how poorly his crudeness would go over) that he would never "eat her pussy" because he was happily married and thus "had enough to eat at home."  

Speaking of having enough to eat at home, guess who doesn't?  That's right, poor Americans who have to resort to government assistance such as food stamps just to, as Dubya would say, put food on their family.  Well a lot of assholes in Congress want to require hungry poor people to pass a drug test in order to be eligible to receive food stamps.  One such asshole is Representative Trey Radel, a Republican (big surprise) from Florida (shocker!).  Radel's stance would be fine (albeit heartless) if he himself hadn't pled guilty to cocaine possession a couple of weeks ago.  So now this hypocritical piece of shit has, unlike Ford, agreed to take a leave of absence and go to rehab.  I suppose this is a good thing, but I'd have preferred if Radel's response to getting caught was even crazier than Ford's.  Like he and his fellow Congressional druggies (and you just know there's a bunch of them) should have dressed as Native Americans and taken to the Potomac to dump gallons upon gallons of their drug-tainted urine samples into it.  And maybe afterwards they could set up a plank and force poor people to walk it, and upon splashing into the freshly beurined waters the poors would be greeted by a bunch of Pee Party Congressional interns dressed as alligators and armed with hacksaws.  The internagator who emerged from the Potomac with the most trophies (aka amputated poor person hands) would win like a $50 Starbucks gift card or something.  I dunno, maybe an iPod Nano also if that's even a thing anymore.