Oh man y'all heard of this thing called racism? Man that shit has been on the news 24/7 up in this country named America. The NAACP accused the Tea Party of being racist, which then prompted the Tea Party to accuse the NWA--whoops I mean NAACP of reverse racism which then prompted the White House to fire a black female USDA worker on the grounds of double super inverse racism which then prompted the NAACP to apologize when it turned out aforementioned USDA worker wasn't actually racist which then prompted all of right-wing talk radio to attempt a triple Axel reverse racism toe loop by accusing the White House of rushing to judgment which then prompted me to pretty much want to leave this shithole country and never come back.
The Tea Party is standing steadfast in its idiotic assertion that all racism is equal and that context doesn't matter. Thus, one black woman initially refusing to help one white farmer is morally equivalent to millions of white farmers enslaving millions of black people for hundreds of years. In Rwanda, Hutus killed one million Tutsis but it's all good now because on March 21, 2007 a Tutsi mother of three stubbed her toe on a chair shoddily constructed by Hutu carpenters. Also, The Audacity of Hope, Barack Obama's famous manifesto on how to reclaim the American Dream, is totally racist because it was written by a black man so therefore the Tea Party's rebuttal The Audacity of Rope, an examination into the merits of lynching, is its moral equal. And here I thought conservatives were against moral relativism.
Why is February Protocol Droid History Month? How come Jawas don't get their own month?
Ice cream. It is a universally beloved dessert treat. A welcome antidote to the stifling summer. Whether enconed or in a dish, smothered in toppings or left tastefully bare, ice cream has delighted Americans of all ages, races, and creeds since the founding of this great nation. Ice cream is as American as apple pie (upon which it is often served) and baseball (to which freshly scooped spheres of it bear a strikingly close resemblance). Surely nothing typifies the American dream better than a married couple taking their children to partake in the sweet frozen ambrosia served at their local ice creamery. Gentle reader, you may now be asking yourself why your faithful writer has chosen this, his controversial sports/politics blog, as the place to broach a subject as seemingly innocent as ice cream. Is it not always best to shield our venerated icons of Americana from the befouling taint of partisan politics? In a bygone day, in a simpler time, I would have agreed. But alas, that was before my world changed. That was before I got wind of ICE CREAM GATE, the gate to end all gates. Never before has a sitting American president so perverted the meaning of something we all hold dear.
Know, gentle reader, that I did not seek out this scandal. I merely report, the decision is up to you. The facts remain; this weekend Barack Obama went to an ice cream shop in Maine, the ice cream shop's logo features a black fist clenching a black spoon, Obama himself is black, Obama ordered a vanilla waffle cone. In this case there is but one decision that any clear-thinking patriot could make: our beloved fatherland is soon to be under unrelenting attack by Marxist black supremacist forces. The symbolism in Obama's brazen act is obvious. The vanilla represents hardworking white Christian taxpayers, and Obama is devouring their creamy goodness.
Vanilla ice cream in a graham cracka baby cone
Say y'all heard of this thing called the Nine Eleven? Well now them Islamical folk want to build a mosque at Ground Zero. Technically it's 2 blocks away from Ground Zero but still I think those Moozlim prayers will pass perilously close to Ground Zero on their way to the Kaaba. So the threat to our Baby Jesus-fearing judeo-Christian nation is still very real indeed. If we U.S. Americans allow this mosque to be built I fear that the Muslim Menace will begin to escalate their ongoing conquest of America. Emboldened by our capitulation, the Muslims will no doubt start praying 6 or 7 times a day instead of the customary 5. If this rate of increase holds, the average Muslim is expected to pray an estimated 4.9 billion times a day by early 2012. I am concerned that Christian America is not equipped to handle such an escalation in the prayer race. America won the Cold War due to Ronald Reagan's ingenious invention of an extra meal between brunch and lunch, what he dubbed "brulunch", thereby increasing by 33% the number of opportunities for the average God-fearing Christian American family to say Grace. Is Barack HUSSEIN Obama prepared or even able to attempt a similar gambit? Ha! Excuse me while I laugh. Ha! Again, ha! But somehow this prayer gap must be bridged, and it must be bridged soon. United we stand, divided we kneel or bow or whatever it is they do to that weirdo God of theirs, what's his name Alla or something?
OK but seriously, former Alaskan governor and current spoken English attempter Sarah Palin has called on peaceful Muslims to "refudiate" the mosque (I guess you can't pronounce "neologism" without "allah"?). As a peaceful Muslim myself, I must politefully refusify Ms. Palin's requestation. Sorry Sarah. And for those who agree with her, there isn't any nice way of putting this: you are defective human beings. Completely lacking the capacity for rational thought is a pretty big manufacturer's error, and really y'all should consider yourself lucky that God isn't demanding a massive recall and y'all aren't sent back to your creator in your original packaging as soon as possible. By Palin's (lack of) logic, there should be no churches in Oklahoma City and no sushi restaurants in Hawaii. And all people named Katrina should be banned from New Orleans. Every time I meet someone with that name I find the situation to be "too raw, too real" and then proceed to urinate on myself while attacking said person with a baseball bat. Both of these things are illegal to do in public here in NOLA.
Oh shit y'all heard of that oil spill down in the Gulf of Mexico? I hadn't posted about it until now because I thought it would be in bad taste to minimize a tragedy as it was unfolding, but now that THAT SHIT IS OVER! I can finally make my opinion on the matter known. It might not be popular to say this, but I actually don't see what the big deal was. Why are people complaining so much? So the whole Gulf ecosystem is now ruined just so an oil company could make obscene profits, so what? All those oysters and crabs and shrimps and sea turtles and pelicans were going to be eaten anyway. And how were they going to be cooked? By deep-frying them in oil, of course. So really, we should've been thanking BP for streamlining the food preparation process. Just light all that oil on fire and enjoy the deep-fried crispy natural goodness of the Gulf Coast ecosystem!
The real losers in all of this are the corporate executives at BP. Oil is a valuable commodity last I checked (30 minutes ago) and millions upon millions of gallons of BP's oil have been released into the Gulf as a result of this spill. Much of this oil already has and will continue to wash ashore on the beaches and marshlands of the Gulf Coast, one of the poorest areas in the U.S. Technically this is BP's oil, but you better believe that those greedy Gulf Coast bastards will keep whatever oil they find on their coasts for themselves, and the fejrul gubmint won't do a thing to stop them. No wonder there has been an influx of "volunteers" down south aiming to "clean up" the Gulf Coast. I advise all y'all poor Louisianians to head on over to the coast with a bunch of buckets and just help y'allselves to some of that free oil. Now that's a stimulus! I don't see how Obama can justify taking BP's oil and redistributing it all over the Gulf Coast. Conservatives should be up in arms about this. This is the biggest redistribution of wealth since the health care bill. I bet Obama (who I recently heard being referred to by a particularly clever and informed wordsmith as "Nobama") is just trying to curry favor with voters in the Gulf Coast, since he has been historically unpopular with a certain segment of the population there. The least Obama can do is stop playing politics and reimburse BP for all the oil it lost. Rep. Joe Barton got things started in the right direction by apologizing to BP, for which he is an American hero, and now Obama needs to follow suit.
For those patriotic devotees of free enterprise who are concerned about BP's future viability as a profit-making entity, fear not: I have taken it upon myself to volunteer my expertise in corporate rebranding, leveraging the synergistic capabilities of various components across BP's corporate value chain in order to more efficiently facilitate the targeting of strategic strategies thus enabling a more frequent delivery of excess deployable business value while paradigmatically avoiding a reduction in market share among key demographics. In other words, hey what if BP branched out into the cereal game huh??
A dead pelican in every box!
Aww man y'all heard of this thing called Independence??? Well, today is the is the anniversary of the day when America done invented that independence shit way back in the day. They had all these white dudes who wore wigs, and some of them were Whigs, back in the 1700s or some shit and Ben Franklin was all like if I tie this key to this kite and fly it in a rainstorm them maybe we can capture some independence and then Thomas Edison trapped that shit in a glass tube and they were all like shit now we can have all the independence we want! But none for women and coloreds. Then they declared that shit and wrote it out on some parchment cuz there wasn't no internet back in those days and now every 4th of July we set off fireworks, which were invented in China.
Man, I love the America, but some people are starting to doubt that because of my last post, in which I stated my misgivings about the new Arizona immigration law. People been saying that the illegal immigrants, who some just call "illegals" and others call "CRIMMIGRANTS", are a burden to America and should be deported back to Hispanica where they come from. I think this is a bit harsh since illegal immigrants are still human beings last I checked (which was Thursday). Then the anti-immigration folk get red in the face and yell "WHAT PART OF 'ILLEGAL' DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??!?!?!?" and I'm like I didn't know this was gonna be a vocabulary test. It's been decades since LSU paid some other dude to take my SAT so I'd be eligible to play basketball and since then my word talking skills have gotten even worst. Shit dude, this is America. I don't need to pass no literacy test to have opinions on shit and what not.
So anyway, I suppose my ancestors immigrated here illegally too. I mean, I doubt slaves had visas or green cards or any proper documentation. They just got on a cruise boat and came here so they could enjoy the good life and get fat leeching off the rest of society. I've heard they stole a SHITLOAD of white folk's farming jobs. They didn't even pay taxes either. And most of them didn't even bother to learn English. And they even had the audacity to have anchor babies! So should I be deported?
The free market at work outside of a Home Deport, oops Home Depot.
Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose.
