DAMN y'all heard of this state called Virginia? That's the state what England sent all its virgins over to colonize back in the 1600s AD. But they must not've stayed virgins very long, cuz nowadays Virginia has a population of almost 8 million. They also got a naked lady on their flag and a dumbass in their governor's office. Earlier this month, Virginia governor Bob McDonnell declared April Confederate History Month. I think this in and of itself is really fucking stupid cuz, you know, fuck the fucking Confederacy. But what pushed McDonnell's declaration into the realm of the truly gubernotorious is that he initially failed to make any mention of slavery. So, to recap, Old McDonnell decides that if Uncle Sam gives them uppity negrozoids a month, then by golly gosh, the state of Virginia should dedicate a (longer) month to the glorious memory of the treasonous idiot racists of the Confederacy, people who were the enemy in the bloodiest war America has ever experienced.
In what world is this not the worst fucking idea ever??? The initial proclamation hailed the "sacrifices of the Confederate leaders, soldiers, and citizens during the period of the Civil War." McDonnell later elaborated that he excluded slavery because he wanted to focus on the aspects of the Civil War that "were most significant for Virginia." At the time of the Civil War, slaves made up about one third of Virginia's population. Currently, African-Americans, most of whom are descendants of slaves, make up about one fifth of VA's population. So demographically, it would seem that McDonnell is wrong about his assertion that slavery isn't an important or relevant issue for a considerable amount of Virginians. Oh yeah, and then there's the small matter than EVEN A FUCKING COMATOSE BABY PENGUIN IN FUCKING ANTARCTICA WOULD KNOW THAT SLAVERY WAS THE MAIN FUCKING REASON THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR WAS FOUGHT. Who are you trying to kid, McDonnell? I guess I can understand if a lot of Virginians are reluctant to recognize the true nature of the actions of their ancestors due to feelings of shame; however, I refuse to believe that a significant portion of Virginians either simply don't think slavery was the major cause of the Civil War or acknowledge that it was but don't care.
But even putting the issue of slavery aside, celebrating anything about the Confederacy is asinine and a bit evil in my opinion. It's not as if slavery wasn't widespread in the North. Sure, the North happened to end it sooner than the South, but the fact that it was willing to engage in such a deplorable institution means I'm not gonna give it a gold star for morality. But one thing that the North wasn't willing to do, and this is important, is secede from the Union and start a war that led to the death of hundreds of thousands of its fellow countrymen. It's fucked enough that the Confederacy was a fundamentally racist organization, but on top of it the Confederates were unrepentant bloodletting traitors. Since when is treason a virtue? The same people who deride all Muslims and Liberals as disloyal terrorists are perfectly content to glorify their treasonous ancestors. Guh? Just because people are your ancestors doesn't mean you're obliged to honor them. If you're German, you're allowed to be ashamed of Nazis. You're allowed to lament the fact that you came from such fucked up stock. It's perfectly normal and commendable and human. What's not allowable is to go to such lengths to idolize and idealize them that you are willing to revise history and ignore or downplay despicable acts committed by them.
Konfederate Kris Kringle sez "The south shall rise again."
"I like paying taxes. With them I buy civilization." ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Aww man y’all heard of the imposition of compulsory levies on individuals and entities by the gubmint? That’s what the Encyclopaedia Britannica calls “taxation”, and it is undoubtedly the most foul and iniquitous of all government functions. I can’t even believe that our government is authorized to do this to us here in America, which is supposably a free country. The Tea Partiers are right. Taxation is theft. That's my hard earned moneys that the gubmint is trying to steal from me! I'm a hard-working American taxpayer who works hard and pays taxes. After taxes, my $20 million salary is shorn to a meager $13 million. How I'm apposed to live off of that? SHAQ DADDY GOT NEEDS TOO, MAYNG!!!
"When there is an income tax, the just man will pay more and the unjust less on the same amount of income." ~ Plato
I use my money to help grow the economy. That Big and Tall store on Euclid Ave. would be out of business if it weren't for me, as would Croutons 'n' Such on 4th and Prospect. But now that my hard earned money is being redistributed to pay for y'all's mortgages and unemployment benefits, small business owners are going to be hit hardest. In fact, just the other day I had to lay off the guy I hire to clean my ass. Now I got a stank ass and he's got broken dreams.
"Taxes, after all, are dues that we pay for the privileges of membership in an organized society." ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt
I know it’s a bad economy and all, but I ain’t got no sympathy for y’all out-of-work plebes. I mean, when I got laid off by the Phoenix Suns, instead of whining to Obama I buckled down and started looking for a job right away, and lo and behold the Cleveland Cavaliers liked my resume so they hired me. If I can do it, anyone can. I didn’t have any headstarts or advantages in life. I’m where I’m at now due solely to my work ethic. Do you know how hard I had to train in order to grow to 7’2”??? My pituitary gland is just about worn out.
"Freeloading illegals are raping U.S. taxpayers." ~ Tea Party sign
See, the Tea Partiers know what's up. The media tries to portray them as crazy and stupid and fat and ignorant and selfish and smelly and racist, when in reality this couldn't be further from the truth. I’m no etymologist, but it’s obvious that the word “tax” is related to the word “taxidermy”, which according to Wikipedia is derived from the Greek for “classifying skins”. Now I’m no sociologist, but it seems to me that classifying people based on their skin color is the most racist thing you can possibly do. The Tea Party's fight against taxation is this decade's version of the Civil Rights marches of the 1960s.
"The American taxpayers are the Jews for Obama's ovens." ~ Tea Party sign
I was so intrigued by the Tea Party movement that I decided to join them at one of their protests the other day. I was worried that I wouldn't fit in since I play in the NBA, and I didn't know their stance on Obama's nationalization of our basketball associations. Would they view me as the enemy due to my ties to Big Basketball? However, once I got there I quickly realized my worries were unwarranted. I had a great time. I really think my homemade Teabagger sombrero won them over. There was this one dude named Karl who kept on following me around everywhere, trying to get me to hold some sign he made or something. I was too concerned with ball protection to oblige him though. Here are a couple of pictures of my adventures:
Pictured, L-R: Karl Rove, Tha Shaqtus, Jesus
Pictured: Gordon Shumway, naturalized U.S. citizen originally from Melmac.
As you can imagine, I had the time of my life. But afterwards I was talking to my boy Bron-Bron at practice and he said, "If money can't buy happiness, then taxation can't confiscate happiness. Stop bitching." Man, can you believe that shit??? I told him to shut up and get back to me once he gets 4 rings. Sheeeeit.
Say y'all heard about that crazy fat boy on the Fox News named Ben Gleck? Ever since I injured my thumb (more on that in a later post) I haven't been able to play any b-ball, so I've had lots of free time to myself. And y'all know that with me, free time=FOX NEWS BAYBEE!!!! So I been watching The Glenn Beck Show like urryday lately and I gotta say, he dominates the cable news 4-5 PM time slot like I dominate the low post. I know some uh y'all is prolly thinking "Damn Shaq Daddy, did you tear a ligament in your thumb or in your brain???" but seriously, you gots to give ma boy Glenn a chance afore you judge him. Once you start watching him, you'll find him indispensable.
Like the other day after I heard that Justice John Paul Jones was finnuh peace out of the Supreme Court, I was unsure what to think. On the one hand, dude went to UChicago so how smart can he possibly be, but on the other hand I don't know what the Supreme Court even is is it anything like a regulation NBA court how high are the hoops I've never heard of it they must play in the Western Conference right? Fuck Kobe. But then Glenn came to rescue me from the evil clutches of ignorance, giving me all the information and context necessary for me to form a coherent opinion. It's obvious that President Obama is gonna select a gay, handicapped (redundant?), black, female of the immigrant persuasion to succeed Justice What's-His-Face. This, of course, is an outrage. Black people complain about how they're minorities and what not, but they already control all major positions of power in this country. Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice are black. Clarence Thomas is black. Some of Glenn Beck's best friends are black. For Pete's sake, black people currently comprise HALF OF THE PRESIDENCY! HALF!!! Geez, that's some minority. Plus black people kicked the white people's asses in the Civil War. Most importantly, there have been EIGHT Pope Urbans throughout history. So it's plain to see that black people have both secular and religious institutional power on par with, if not exceeding, that of whitefolk.
As far as teh gays go, I don't see how a group of people who routinely use JUDICIAL ACTIVISM to further their diabolical agenda can be trusted with a seat on the highest court in the land. In fact, due to the Homosexual Lobby, California was forced to pass Proposition 8, which I just learned from Glenn Beck is not a hemorrhoid cream. Call me a haterosexual if you must, but I believe Lord God Jesus created Adam & Eve, not Madam & Eve. Adam & Eve, not Adam & some sexy hung gay dude. With rock hard abs. Who can dance. And is witty. And hung, in case I hadn't mentioned that before. I think his name has to be Steve in order for the joke to work, but whatevs. What was I saying? Oh yeah, Glenn Beck. If the liberals get their way and say that one gay man can marry another gay man, then who's to say that same gay man can't marry a gay horse? Or a gay waffle maker? IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING IN EUROPE, PEOPLE!!!
Some liberals might think that Glenn Beck is just a paranoid idiot whose rantings about impending communism are borne of a delusional fear that Obama will redistribute chins, thus leaving poor Glenn deprived of his hard earned and much cherished surplus, but I beg to differ. Glenn Beck is a legitimate American hero. Those who ignore or underestimate him do so at their own peril. As the leader of the ascendant Tea Party movement, he is definitely poised to be one of America's most prominent and relevant intellectuals for years to come. He deserves a place in the pantheon of great Conservative thinkers, amongst such giants of American Conservatism as Ronald Reagan, William F. Buckley, Barry Goldwater, and Jim Crow. I'd like to imagine that the aforementioned Mr. Buckley, if he were around to do so, would appreciate our Mr. Beck taking it upon himself to be the loudest voice standing athwart History, yelling "ZOMG OBAMAz A MARXIST SOCISLIST MUST BE STOPPED!!! REVERND WRIGHT KENYA FREDOM BALCK LIBERATION @#$% TOTES OLIGARHY### VAN JONES VAN JONES VAN JONES!!!"
"Fuck you, that's my name. You know why, mister? You took government-provided public transportation to get here, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW (which I was able to afford because I single-handedly pulled myself up by my own bootstraps like a Randian demigod of capitalism, amassing a fortune in the tried and true American way, and before you go saying that I had help from my parents or public education or whatever, I'll have you know that I sprung from the Earth itself like the autochthonous Athenians of ancient Greek lore, and as far as the public education thing well, shit, I can't read and I can barely write, so there's that refuted quite nicely wouldn't you say?). THAT'S my name."
