Salutations to all, ‘tis none other than I, EVAN SPENCER JACOBS!!! You may be wondering what a homosexual Jew such as myself is doing on Shaquille’s blog… well, this Thanksgiving weekend he visited the Jacobs residence in Philadelphia. I pleaded with him to let me guest-blog here since his blog is way cooler than mine and has almost a million times more readers. After a lengthy negotiation session, he finally acquiesced. I've just now started walking again, so here goes…
Wow, this blog is really pink. It’s hard to concentrate on writing something coherent and interesting with all this disorienting pink nonsense surrounding you. Damn Shaq, try something a bit less tacky. Something like, I don’t know, green and white maybe. Ooh I know what I want to write about! I’ll write about Thanksgiving, or as I like to call it, Fangsgibbon. So anyway, Shaq and I are chilling with my famfam the other day, eating turkeys as is the Jewish custom, when BALLS!!! VAGINA!!! TURTLECOCK!!!! LABIA!!! GAYPEOPLE!!!
Oops, sorry, I forgot to mention that I have a mild case of Tourette’s. It makes normal social interaction quite difficult. Now where was I? Oh yeah, Fangsgibbon… well later on we’re all playing basketball (my bro, my Dad, and I versus Shaq) and we’re up 19-15 with the ball in my Dad’s hands. He’s about to put up the winning layup but then ANUS!!! FUCKITY FUCK FUCK TWAT!!! BAAAAALLLLLS!!!
Whew, what’s come over me? It’s like I can’t go more than 5 minutes without saying the word “balls”. But who can blame me? What a beautiful, sonorous, versatile word. It rolls off the tongue so elegantly. You almost wish that it wouldn’t leave your mouth, that you could keep balls in there forever, slowly and tenderly nurturing every letter. But of course gestation must eventually come to an end, and it truly is a bittersweet moment when balls, after fully incubating inside your mouth, finally peeks its newborn head through your teeth and cautiously takes its first steps into the world outside. Soon it will soar confidently through the air, finding harbor in the eardrums of those bystanders lucky enough to be within earshot. As you survey the confused and offended expressions of those around you, it finally hits you: your little baby has achieved audibility. You reach for your handkerchief and MONKEYNARDS!!! MEATUS!!! PENISJIZZ!!! SANTORUM!!!
Not again! Sorry everybody. I guess I’ll end this right now. I’m sure Shaq doesn’t want me littering his blog with any more scatology. My one shot at the big time, and I blow it like a horse’s erect penis. Again, I sincerely apologize if I’ve offended any of the regular readers of this smegma-encrusted monkeycock, I mean blog. I mean smegma-encrusted monkeycock. No, wait, I mean blog. Yes, blog. Ok, I’ll leave now.And oh yeah, be sure to czech me out on my own blog, The Opinions of a Homosexual Jew.
"Dang it, push or pull?!?! Hmm, could be automatic..."Shit yo, y'all heard of these things called metaphors? Cats (by cats I mean people) can employ all that fancy-type figure of speech shit to illustrate the similarities between two ostensibly dissimilar things. Like maybe this picture is a metaphor for the Global War on Terror. The double doors are al-Qaeda... all Presdint George need do is open them to usher in a period of eternal peace and liberty freedoms. But wait a sec, what's this??? Oh no, the doors won't budge!!! Why could this be?!?! Could it be because the door handles are actually loathsome obstructionist liberals who deviously plot to hinder George's valiant crusade at every turn??? These locked handles, with their blame-America-first attitude and utter lack of patriotism, pose as great a threat to the American way of life as do the doors to which their traitorous visages are bolted. It may well be time to smear menstrual blood on the door handles, or at least place electrodes on their keyholes.
Man y'all heard of this president we got? Things has been hard on him lately. That dude Scooter Billy already got indicated and pretty soon Carl Rove will be too. George's approval ratings is like 30 something percent. Shit, my three frow percentage is higher than that. Plus when this picture goes public his approval ratings will probably plunge even further: 
Preliminary reports indicate at least one pretzel was involved in this incident.
Aw man y'all heard of that cat from FEMA known as the Michael Brown??? Man he is in some deep-ass shit now that his email correspondence with various co-workers during the Katrina sauce has been made public. Man people was dying and shit and that fool was talking about sitting on dogs and what not. What the fuck? Anyway, if you thought his emails made him seem incompetent, callous, and oblivious, then just wait til you see this exclusive AOL instant messenger transcript that I somehow secretly obtained from my boy LIBERAL CHARLIE MELANCON... Prez4life (3:45:34 PM): yo brownie
femadude (3:45:36 PM): wassap W?
Prez4life (3:45:58 PM): man have u been watching CNN???
femadude (3:46:02 PM): yeah
Prez4life (3:46:30 PM): check out all that wind
femadude (3:46:47 PM): WOW and rain too
Prez4life (3:47:34 PM): did u see how the roof of the superdome got tore off?
femadude (3:48:16 PM): no, WOW
femadude (3:48:24 PM): hurricans are kewl
Prez4life (3:48:49 PM): HA HA yeah
femadude (3:50:08 PM): I saw u on tv playing guitar
femadude (3:50:17 PM): I never knew u could
Prez4life (3:51:20 PM): yeah ima renasance man
femadude (3:51:42 PM): do u take lessons???
Prez4life (3:52:38 PM): yeah it’s hard work
femadude (3:52:45 PM): HA HA
Prez4life (3:54:04 PM): so where r u now?
femadude (3:54:51 PM): im in baton rogue
Prez4life (3:55:24 PM): what does taht mean?
femadude (3:56:00 PM): I dunno its french
Prez4life (3:56:04 PM): french sux
Prez4life (3:58:49 PM): speak english dammit
Prez4life (4:17:25 PM): I H8 france
femadude (4:21:16 PM): sorry, I was playing minesweeper…new best time!!!
Prez4life (4:21:21 PM): kewl
femadude (4:21:37 PM): yEAH mINESWEEPER iS kEWL
femadude (4:21:48 PM): oops sorry about the caps I know its annoynig
Prez4life (4:22:07 PM): ha ha its kewl bro
Prez4life (4:23:34 PM): fema stands for 'Font-Enlarging Mike is Annoying'
femadude (4:23:46 PM): lol
Prez4life (4:24:05 PM): what is lol???
femadude (4:24:17 PM): absolute value of zero
Prez4life (4:24:29 PM): ???
femadude (4:24:36 PM): nevermind doodChertoff05 has entered the chat
Chertoff05 (4:24:40 PM): hey u guys
Prez4life (4:24:43 PM): yo
femadude (4:24:43 PM): yo
femadude (4:24:45 PM): jinx
Prez4life (4:24:46 PM): jinks!
Chertoff05 (4:25:15 PM): doods u seen this Katrina shit!?!?
Prez4life (4:25:31 PM): yeah its offle
Chertoff05 (4:25:58 PM): did u hear about trent lott’s house?
femadude (4:26:06 PM): no why>
Chertoff05 (4:26:25 PM): it got destroyd
Prez4life (4:26:32 PM): oh shit no
femadude (4:26:33 PM): OMG!!!
Chertoff05 (4:28:07 PM): hey W I saw u on tv eating birthday cake with mccain
femadude (4:28:13 PM): lucky ducky
Chertoff05 (4:28:26 PM): did it taste good
femadude (4:28:35 PM): what kind was it? Chertoff05 (4:28:44 PM): I liek ice cream cake
femadude (4:28:56 PM): ohh yeah, esp in the summer
Prez4life (4:29:03 PM): it was double choclate
Chertoff05 (4:29:10 PM): YUMMS!!!
femadude (4:29:12 PM): lucky
Prez4life (4:29:42 PM): I like cake but I like BROWNIES better
Chertoff05 (4:29:50 PM): HA HA LOL
femadude (4:29:51 PM): ROTF!!!
Chertoff05 (4:29:58 PM): ROTFLMAO femadude (4:30:05 PM): THat was a good one
Prez4life (4:30:08 PM): thanx
femadude (4:30:36 PM): oops, gotta go I’m giving an interview to wolf blitzer
Prez4life (4:30:49 PM): u know his real name is leslie???
femadude (4:31:00 PM): no way!
Chertoff05 (4:31:12 PM): HA HA fag!
femadude (4:31:25 PM): my heart goes out to him
Chertoff05 (4:31:27 PM): HA HA
Prez4life (4:31:33 PM): what r u gonna ear?
Prez4life (4:31:35 PM): wear
femadude (4:31:47 PM): I dunno… what do u think?
Prez4life (4:32:09 PM): wear that blue button down shirt you have
Chertoff05 (4:32:22 PM): make sure you flash our secret sign
femadude (4:32:29 PM): sho nuff
femadude signed off at 4:32:31 PM
Chertoff05 (4:32:45 PM): whoa just remmbered I got a interview to do soon too
Prez4life (4:33:00 PM): good luck
Chertoff05 (4:33:06 PM): thanx dood Chertoff05 (4:33:37 PM): peace, i'm out like McGreevy
Chertoff05 signed off at 4:33:38 PM
Prez4life (4:33:40 PM): c u later cherkoff
Prez4life (4:33:44 PM): HA HA
Chertoff05 signed on at 4:40:28 PM
Chertoff05 (4:40:33 PM): hey is louisana a city or a state?
Prez4life (4:41:04 PM): I dunno
Prez4life (4:41:29 PM): a city I guess
Yo y'all heard of this tareistic holiday known as Eid? Man them Islams is celebrating that day today. Apparently the Mozzlems haven't been able to eat anything at all for an entire month but tomorrow they can finally partake of non-pork related foodstuff activities. Personally, I am a bit nervous. Imagine how hungry and pissed you'd be if you hadn't eaten in a month. Now take that and multiply it by two, since them A-rabs is twice as prone to tareistic behaviours than other races of people. Now take that number and square that shit, since it was Arabs what invented the algerba. And finally you have an absurdly large number which accurately reflects the threat to our freedoms posed by the Mohammedans. I just hope that Homeland Securities and the FBI continue to be vigilant like this incident where they detained and questioned 5 Islamics for praying during halftime of the Saints/Giants game. I'm sorry, but what's the big problem with this? If you don't want to get detained, questioned, and smeared with menstrual blood at a football game, then stop fucking praying to Allah for the Saints to lose. Sheeeit.Man one of the other things that's been on the news is this so called hunger strike them tareists had at Gautamanamo Bay. Whatever dude, they was just fasting like good Moslems is supposed to do but the liberous media distorted the truth. The enemy combatants weren't protesting shit. They love it there. They were just thankful that the American troops was letting them practice their religion and its Five Pillars such as fasting, praying, and having electrodes placed on your genitals.
