E Pluribus Screw 'Em

Awww steeznart you all!  Y'all heard of this Gilligan/ Barney Fife/ Mr. Rogers/ Kenneth the Page looking dude from Louisiana named Bobby Jindal?  He's currently the "Governor" of Louisiana and he was also running for President, but sadly he recently dropped out of the race.  It's a shame because had Jindal won the Presidency, it would have been an historic occasion.  He would have been our great country's 44th white President.  And as he was rumored to choose Rachel Dolezal as his running mate, we also missed out on our first female Vice President.  I was really curious as to whether his Presidential portrait could ever top his gubernatorial one.  

The Picture of Dorian White

That portrait is a good jump-off point for a discussion about two of Jindal's biggest perceived flaws: his inauthenticity and desperate need to fit in.  This often manifests in him disavowing his Indian roots while playing up a fake Southern good ol' boy persona to curry (whoops) favor with his conservative constituency.  Whoever painted that portrait literally whitewashed history.  I mean he really Sammy Sosa'd it.  The average online dating profile pic more accurately portrays its subject than that portrait does.    

He famously changed his name when he was a kid because of his love for The Brady Bunch.  People make fun of him for this, but changing one's name from "Piyush" to something more acceptable to Western ears is hardly uncommon.  Brady Bunch-inspired name changing helped out the career of the former Piyush Brewer, love child of Emperor Palpatine and the Cryptkeeper, who changed her name to Jan and somehow became Governor of Arizona. Then there's the story of Piyush Woods, whose fondness for the Brady family's dog led him to rename himself Tiger and take up golfing.  You probably know about Tom Brady, but did you know that once upon a time he was just a skinny football-loving youth from California named Tom Piyush?  His obsession with the The Brady Bunch moved him to change his name and now the rest is history.  Like Jindal, the former Tom Piyush also has some experience with less-than-accurate portraits.  

Sure, Jindal takes his need to assimilate into mainstream White American culture a bit too far, but I think it comes mainly from a benign place of genuine appreciation for American pop culture rather a cynical ploy to manipulate white voters.  In addition to his aforementioned love for The Brady Bunch, he also performed an exorcist in college presumably in homage to his favorite horror movie, and, as this picture shows, a young Jindal was clearly a big fan of Welcome Back, Kotter.  

Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause he was a fucking awful Governor

Like the titular hero, his dreams (of the White House) were his ticket out, but unlike the good-natured and avuncular Mr. Kotter, I highly doubt Jindal will be welcomed back to Louisiana after his aborted Presidential campaign.  We haven't forgotten that Bobby Jindaled while Louisiana burned.  We're still near the bottom in health, education, income, environment, etc., but hey at least it is now harder for gay people to buy cakes.  We're near the top for ringworms, alcohol-induced blackouts, potholes, crawfish-induced blackouts, juvenile diabetes, Juvenile diabetes, adult diabetes, teenage diabetes, pet diabetes, and dangerously high levels of butter in our blood.  In fact, the average Louisianian is now 17% butter.  

With his dismal record in Louisiana, it's no wonder that his Presidential campaign never gained traction.  His list of donors, aka Ganges List, was meager.  Setting himself apart from the crowd proved to be an impossible task, since at last count the number of GOP challengers was 81 and continues to grow daily.  At this point if you're an out-of-touch old white man you're 3 times more likely to be a GOP Presidential candidate than to get prostate cancer. Bobby just couldn't compete with those odds.  

So now lame duck Iowa resident Bobby Jindal can finally turn his attention back to Louisiana.  Oh great.  He, the son of immigrants himself, has for some reason made it his obsession to thwart immigration and degrade immigrants at every turn.  He says he "doesn't believe in hyphenated Americans," which is kind of hypocritical for an Idiot-American to say.  First they came for the hyphens, and I did not speak out because I was not hyphenated...  But once Bobby takes away our hyphens, what's next?  Our colons?  Question marks?  Interrobangs?!  And he better not mess with our sacred emojis (one of which was actually Oxford Dictionary's 2015 word of the year!).  YOU CAN PRY MY SHRUGGIE DUDE OUT OF MY COLD DEAD HANDS  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Who all seen Jindal doing any meaningful legislative work over the past couple years say yeeeaaahhh!  *Crickets*

Jobby Bindle so eloquently stated on Twitter that "immigration without assimilation is not immigration, it is invasion." It’s like Thomas Edison said, "immigration is one percent assimilation and 99 percent perspiration."  Because hiking through the desert for days in the scorching heat is bound to get you all gross and sweaty.  That’s why you gotta take a refreshing dip in the Rio Grande.  

Recently the Piyush bag has had the gall to declare that Louisiana will not be accepting any Syrian refugees.  He and most other Republican governors are turning America's old motto "E Pluribus Unum" on its head, but I guess "E Pluribus Screw 'Em" has a nice ring to it.  Personally, I think it's a heartwarming example of genuine Christian charity.  Can you imagine fleeing some wartorn third-world hellhole just to find yourself in Louisiana, of all places? Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire. 

In other Louisiana politics news, Senator Pampers is running to replace "Governor" Jindal. His last ditch effort to appeal to the selfish cowardly racists among us has him amping up the anti-Syrian refugee rhetoric as the election draws nearer.  When the Syrian refugees make Louisianans shit themselves in fear, Diaper Dave will be prepared.  He's the man we can depend on to wipe out the threat.  All 14 of them.  Anyway, Election Day is today, so don't forget to vote!  Unless you plan on voting for Vitter, in which case ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.   

Pure Applesauce

Aww man say y'all heard tell of the Surpeme Court ruling that gay folk can get married up here in the U.S. of A.?  Man it has been a tough couple of weeks for us Conservative types.  Darth Vader Ginsburg and her liberal peers on the Court are unelected tyrants and the Supreme Court is no better than a modern-day Star Chamber, although for the purposes of this analogy I suppose it's more like a Star Destroyer, but instead of destroying stars what it really destroys is the very fabric of American society.  The liberal wing of the Supreme Court has cast aside the sturdy and tasteful hand-picked denim of America's glorious past and replaced it with some kind of diaphanous frou-frou silk taffeta abomination.  Whereas the denim is machine washable with similar colors, the silk is dry clean only.  Ok sorry, this stupid metaphor is hanging on by a thread.  Moving on...

The Supreme Court's fascist anti-Christian diktat makes a mockery of religious freedom.  It's like the Bible says.  If 2 adult human beings who love each other can get married, then who's to say that a pet goldfish can't marry a bowl of tomato soup?  It's a slippery slope.  A taut yet supple, glistening, sultry, well-endowed slope that is also a good listener and a generous lover.  This is what we Bible-believing Mercians have to compete with.  For some reason the Gaystapo is successful in its recruiting efforts while churches all across America remain empty.  

Now some people might say, "Damn Shaq, what business is it of yours what two consenting adults do in the privacy of their own butts?"  You might have had a point before the unrelenting Homo-sexual Lobby turned its attention to one of Conservative Christian America's most beloved institutions.  Yes, even bakeries, once heterosexual bastions of traditional heterosexual Christian American heterosexual masculinity, have yielded to the doughy and glazed Homo-sexual Agenda.  I went to Tastee Donuts the other day and ordered a cream-filled Danish and boy was it not what I expected.  I think my right to not be subjected to slightly homo-sexual pastries far outweighs gay people's right to be treated like actual human beings.  

I don't understand why gay people want to ruin marriage and dessert for all straight people.  Gay wedding cakes will be the downfall of society.  Imagine two men having sex.  Just imagine it.  Now keep on imagining it.  Stay up all night obsessively imagining it.  This is the future our children will inherit thanks to the LIEberals on the Supreme Court.  Now that homo-sexual wedding cakes are taking over our country, what's next?  Queeramisu?  Pineapple upside-down morals cake?  Communion wafers with rainbow sprinkles on them?  I certainly hope not!  Homo-sexuality is the last thing I want to think about while I'm on my knees metaphorically receiving my savior's body in my mouth.  Luckily we have at least one Supreme Court Justice who has the bravery to stand athwart history yelling "STOP! I hatez fagz!!!"  Yup, Antonin Scalia has dedicated his life to making the lives of gay people worse, and for that he deserves our praise.  He is so committed to defending traditional marriage that he's released an R&B album devoted to the cause.  Peep this:

Are you that opposite-gendered somebody?

Heritage not great

What's up y'all?  Y'all heard about this country called MURKA??? It's our birthday today!  Damn we old!!!  Independence Day is the one day of the year where us U.S. Americans unabashedly show our patriotism.  In fact, I am (almost) unironically wearing an American flag do-rag as I type this.  Inevitably, today's proud display of our nation's symbols has gotten me thinking about the proud display of the symbols of another nation, a nation that somehow continues to live in the hearts and minds and presumably other body parts of a significant portion of the American populace, despite not having existed for 150 years.  I'm speaking, of course, about the Confederate States of America.  

A surprisingly large amount of Americans, especially Southerners, still identify with symbols of the Confederacy and cling to them as though trying to remove these symbols from public places is tantamount to trying to remove a vital part of themselves.  The people who argue for the removal of the Confederate battle flag may say: "but getting a boil lanced, or a cancerous polyp removed from your colon, or flushing your system of intestinal parasites is qualitatively different from having a limb or organ amputated for no reason."  But we know of course that this is liberal claptrap.  The Confederate flag is a potent symbol of our Southerness, existing as it did for a whopping total of 4 some odd years out of the 240 some odd years that the South has existed.  But its disproportionate importance among current Confederate enthusiasts is understandable in light of the fact that it was used as the Confederate Navy Jack for 2 whole entire years, was adopted as the Battle Flag of the Army of Northern Virginia (one shudders to think about the potential peak-Confederocity that might have been achieved if only Southern Virginia had also adopted the battle flag), and also flew over exactly zero state capitols during the Civil War.  So it's plain to see why a flag that was so eminent in its own time would be the logical choice to represent the totality of Southern heritage over a century after its heyday.  I'm very much heartbroken that they're trying to take away the most vital piece of our shared Southern culture.  The Confederate battle flag is emblematic of all those quintessentially Southern traits that led the South to so nobly and proudly start the Civil War and then lose it.  

Few people know that Santa was originally headquartered at the South Pole but was forced to free his elves and relocate after losing the War of North Pole Aggression

Now y'all may be thinking to yourselves, “Dayum, Shaq, what do you know about history and politics?  Stick to sports™!!1!”  Well, I’m here to tell you that this issue is very much relevant to sports.  The Atlanta Slaveocrats had to change their name to the Atlanta Braves, but it’s okay for the New York Yankees to exist?  Ole Miss had to retire its Rebel mascot and replace it with a BLACK bear, but it’s okay for the New York Yankees to design their iconic pinstriped uniforms to specifically evoke black-on-white violence?!  Major League Baseball bans black people until the 1940s and it’s a villain, but George Steinbrenner, late owner of the NEW YOK YANKESS bans facial hair and he’s a hero?!!  The liberal media will stop at nothing to demean and belittle Southern heritage while forgiving and even celebrating far worse behavior by its Northern masters.  ESPN has a Red Sox history month, but where’s White Sox history month?  David Ortiz is 3/5ths the player Ron Kittle was, but of course if I say that out loud I’m the one who’s considered a racist.   

AINT NO FEDS GONNA FEED MY KIDS COMMIE CORE! MORON LABE! I'D RATHER BE JUGDED BY TWLEVE THAN CARRY THE ZERO!

For those who say that perhaps a symbol celebrating slavery and treason is not the best thing to display on government buildings or on public roads, well would you have us remove all historical monuments and render future generations historically illiterate?  Newsflash, history matters and it is absolutely imperative for the survival of the republic that we not skimp on teaching ALL OF IT ALL THE TIME EVERYWHERE TO EVERYONE.  Instead of taking down historical symbols, we should be putting more up.  Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, which is why the Louisiana State Capitol has just put up an exhibit commemorating the rise and fall of the Ottoman Empire in its lobby.  The gilded statue of Suleiman the Magnificent is sure to remain a tourist attraction for years to come.  On a more local level, the Jefferson Parish Courthouse recently outfitted its security guards in the traditional attire of the personal Terracotta Army of 3^rd century BCE Chinese emperor, Qin Shi Huang.  Sure, the outfits had to be bought for an exorbitant price from the Beijing Museum of Military Uniforms, but no price is too great when it comes to teaching our children about history.  Meanwhile, the U.S. Capitol, which has been under construction for what seems like forever, has finally unveiled what all the construction was about.  Turns out that they’re replacing the entire dome with a life sized mise-en-scene of Hannibal crossing the Alps. 

New Orleans mayor Mitch Landrieu has promised that he will, in a compromise designed to appease those who oppose taking down Robert E. Lee’s statue at Lee Circle, tear down the Superdome instead and install an even bigger circle dedicated to the heroes of the War of Jenkins’ Ear, which as we all know took place from 1739-1748 and resulted in the loss of Jenkins’ ear, a loss from which Britain has never truly recovered.  I fear our nation would be doomed if future generations of American kids forgot about the War of Jenkins’ Ear and the lessons it can teach us about proper ear security.   

SEROUSLY SOMEONW HELP ME OUT HERe oh never mind

For some reason the Confederacy always gets the short end of the historical commemoration stick.  I just recently found out that Jefferson Parish was named after Thomas Jefferson and not Jefferson Davis.  Imagine my distress and disillusionment upon realizing that the parish I grew up in and had thought was named after a racist slave-owning piece of shit was instead named after a different racist slave-owning piece of shit.  I tell ya, the Confederacy gets no respect.  I think we should remedy this by creating monuments to commemorate all Confederate victories, from the well-known ones like the Battle of Manassas and the Battle of Chancellorsville to the ones that have already been forgotten, like the Siege of Tupelo, the Battle of Possum Spring, the Quarrel at Donaldsonville, the Battle of Munson’s Barn, the Altercation Down Beulah Street, Old Jack’s Misunderstanding, and the Incident What Happened Yonder Mill Creek Way. 

Maybe it’s the handful of psychedelic drugs I recently ingested talking, but I’ve always thought it interesting that the Confederate battle flag has an 'X' on it, as 'X' is the universal symbol for closing a window on your computer, but when God closes a door, he opens a window, presumably so you can jump out of it, or maybe it’s just to air out the room because He farted, either way my point is that maybe this is like that but in reverse, like maybe God is closing this window so he can open a door, in this case he’s closing the window on slavery, treason, and getting your pathetic asses kicked in a war but luckily he’s opening the door on other things the South holds dear, like diabetes, mosquito-borne illnesses, and illiteracy.  No one can take those things away from us!  What’s the stupid old saying?  American by birth, Southern due to lack of upward socioeconomic mobility by the grace of God.  So cheer up, fellow Southerners/Confederazis, there is a silver lining to our grey uniforms!

Finally, a states' rights symbol everyone can agree on

Westeros Baptist Church

DAYUM say y'all heard of this television show called Game of Thrones?  The Season 5 finale was last week.  Today is the first Sunday in a while I can't enjoy a new episode so I thought I'd write up a review of last week's episode so as to get my weekly GoT fix, so here goes... SPOILER ALERT ***Please stop reading this now if you don't want to have the next few minutes of your life spoiled by reading this.***  

Ok, let's start.  First, a disclaimer: I don't read the books (I stopped reading them as soon as I figured out they weren't Harry Potter sequels) so I lack a full understanding of the elaborate and somewhat convoluted workings of George R.R.R. Martin's fantasy world.  The frequent references to obscure Westerosi myths and prophecies go way over my head and most of the time I can't even keep track of who belongs to what house.  I think the ones with all the wolves are the Starks and there's this other house with dragons or wyverns or whatever but then this other house got stuck with a squid which sucks for them.  But I guess they have a monopoly on the lucrative ink trade.  Those notes sent by raven aren't gonna write themselves.  

The weirdest, most upsetting, and hard to parse part of the show for me is all the religions vying for supremacy in both Westeros and Essos.  The damaging effects of the various strains of crazy fundamentalism spreading through the realm was a point of emphasis throughout Season 5, and boy did things come to a head in the season finale.  Melisandre and her precious Lord of Light had been gleefully carrying out their Stannis Inquisition, but they went one auto-da-fe too far when they decided to burn Shireen at the stake.  I'm glad Stannis (apparently?) got his comeuppance for burning his daughter alive à la Agamemnon and Iphigenia, and it's all the better that Brienne got to play the role of Clytemnestra.

Meanwhile, Cersei was hoist with her own godbothering petard as the High Sparrow and his Faith Militant made her do a naked walk of atonement to the Red Keep while the rabble of King's Landing cursed her, flashed her, and threw, among many other things, excrement at her.  It was excruciating to watch and I couldn't help but sympathize with Cersei, but I suppose these things are expected when you give free reign to the Westeros Baptist Church to cleanse the sins of your city.  But man I gotta say those WBC protestors were a bit out of line.  I don't like incest either but damn High Sparrow Phelps you need to tell your peeps to chill. 

What's a 'shuttle'?  Do you mean 'dragon'?

Plus, what's with the Hodor hate?  What did he ever do to the Faith Militant?  For that matter, what did he ever do to anyone this season?  Oh yeah that's right, NOTHING!!!  God may not hate Hodor, but HBO certainly does.  I'm pretty pissed at the complete lack of Hodor this season (and for that matter, what's become of the surviving Starch boys, Bran and Wheat?).  HBO better make it up to us Hodor fans by having him on the Iron Throne by the end of Season 6.  

What's 'XMAS'?  Do you mean 'dragon'?

The Westerosi religious fundamentalists sure do have some weird hang ups with sex.  By my count, at least 3 major gay characters have been persecuted.  Ser Loras is rotting away in a dungeon because Olyvar's recollection of his weird Dorne-shaped birthmark was considered airtight legal evidence of sodomy.  The Lord of Light burned Mance Gaydar at the stake simply because of his eponymous sixth sense, which Melisandre feared would be used, Cerebro like, to unite all the gay Wildings into the largest gay army the world had ever seen.  Theon "Prime Time" Gayjoy had his dick chopped off and shipped in a box to his sister by the psychopathic pharaoh of Winterfell, Ramses Bolton.  The aggressive campaign of sexual repression conducted by the Westeros Baptist Chuch, coupled with the impending onslaught of the Long Winter and its attendant shrinkage, will no doubt make Season 6 the most perilous time to be a flopping Westerosi cock since the tyrannical rule of Daeclaerys "Knobslayer" Targaryen.  Gone are the halcyon days when the Starks could enjoy a leisurely outing in the godswood, just chilling while Hodor nonchalantly lets out his one-eyed raven for some fresh Northern air. 

HODOR!

At least the finale was an eventful one for my favorite character, Arya "Smarter than a 5^th grader" Stark.  She got to finally cross Ser Meryn Trant off her macabre grocery list, and in a surprisingly satisfying, grotesque way.  Most tweens would be too squeamish to dissect a frog, much less stab a grown man in both eyes and slit his throat, but nothing's too gory for our hero, Arya "Being Served" Stark.  Her eventual blindness was a bummer, sure, but I think next season will be an exciting one for Arya "That Somebody" Stark (I'm sorry but this paragraph was pretty much just an excuse to do stupid Arya puns).  

We also got to see the big reveal of Maester Qyburn's top secret science project, the resurrected Franken-Mountain,  It was a cool moment, but I can't help be a little bit bitter.  See, I tried out for the role of the Mountain all the way back in Season 1 but George R.R. said I wasn't big enough so they gave it to some Icelandic goon instead.  Then I tried out for the part of Ser Dunkin' the Tall of the House Shaquille, First of His Name, King of the Centers and the Sixth Men, Lord of the Double Doubles, and Protector of the Paint.  But George R.R.R. told me that such a character didn't exist, nor did such a house, and had I read the book because if I had I would know this, and I don't mean to be rude but Mr. O'Neal can you even read at all?  So that audition didn't go well I regret to say.  

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah, Winterfell.  Man, Winterfell is a scary place with the Boltons ruling it.  I don't know what Middlefinger was thinking when he decided that marrying off Sansa to Ramses was a good idea.  Speaking of middle fingers, George R.R.R.R. gave a huge one to his loyal fans by killing off Jon Snow at the very end of the episode.  I'm not too upset about it since we know "death" is not an eternal state in Martin's world.  My prediction is that 3 days after his burial Jon Snow's tomb will be found inexplicably empty by Melisandre, who will look at Jon up and about and not recognize him at first.  Upon seeing Jon's miraculously resurrected body, the former Night's Watch traitors will become his sworn disciples.  Even that asshole Olly.  Seriously Olly, dead parents are no excuse for being a prick.  Killing Egret was bad enough, but then you had to deliver the coup de grace on our beloved Jon Snow?  For shame.  But I suppose the Snow Angel forgives all, even killing his hot Wilding girlfriend.

Hot Pie will show up out of nowhere just because, and upon seeing Jon he will incredulously blink a few times, then tilt his head back and comically wipe his eyes, then put on his glasses and squint for a few seconds before shaking his head and finally declaring "nah, couldn't be..." and going off on his merry way.  This will be the first ever Game of Thrones scene to be accompanied by a laugh track.

Then King Tommen will visit Castle Black on some official kingly business, like to make sure the wall is zoned for castles or to check that the Wilding immigrants have all their papers in order.  He'll hear of Jon's resurrection but, having not been there to witness it, will flatly deny its veracity.  Jon will then invite him to touch all his cool stab wounds, and only after that does the king believe.  King Tommen will be thereafter known as Doubting Tommen and then sail off to whatever the Essosian equivalent of India is to spread the Gospel of Snow.  40 days later Jon will ascend to Heaven on the back of a dragon probably.

The Westeros Baptist Chuch will establish a religious holiday to celebrate Jon's resurrection.  It will be called "Easteros" and there will be chocolate direwolves and dragon's egg hunts galore.  Instead of carving stupid patterns into their foreheads, members of the Faith Militant will now wear chains with dagger pendants around their necks.  Failure to adequately celebrate Easteros will be punished by beheading.  And now my post has ended.