Westeros Baptist Church

DAYUM say y'all heard of this television show called Game of Thrones?  The Season 5 finale was last week.  Today is the first Sunday in a while I can't enjoy a new episode so I thought I'd write up a review of last week's episode so as to get my weekly GoT fix, so here goes... SPOILER ALERT ***Please stop reading this now if you don't want to have the next few minutes of your life spoiled by reading this.***  

Ok, let's start.  First, a disclaimer: I don't read the books (I stopped reading them as soon as I figured out they weren't Harry Potter sequels) so I lack a full understanding of the elaborate and somewhat convoluted workings of George R.R.R. Martin's fantasy world.  The frequent references to obscure Westerosi myths and prophecies go way over my head and most of the time I can't even keep track of who belongs to what house.  I think the ones with all the wolves are the Starks and there's this other house with dragons or wyverns or whatever but then this other house got stuck with a squid which sucks for them.  But I guess they have a monopoly on the lucrative ink trade.  Those notes sent by raven aren't gonna write themselves.  

The weirdest, most upsetting, and hard to parse part of the show for me is all the religions vying for supremacy in both Westeros and Essos.  The damaging effects of the various strains of crazy fundamentalism spreading through the realm was a point of emphasis throughout Season 5, and boy did things come to a head in the season finale.  Melisandre and her precious Lord of Light had been gleefully carrying out their Stannis Inquisition, but they went one auto-da-fe too far when they decided to burn Shireen at the stake.  I'm glad Stannis (apparently?) got his comeuppance for burning his daughter alive à la Agamemnon and Iphigenia, and it's all the better that Brienne got to play the role of Clytemnestra.

Meanwhile, Cersei was hoist with her own godbothering petard as the High Sparrow and his Faith Militant made her do a naked walk of atonement to the Red Keep while the rabble of King's Landing cursed her, flashed her, and threw, among many other things, excrement at her.  It was excruciating to watch and I couldn't help but sympathize with Cersei, but I suppose these things are expected when you give free reign to the Westeros Baptist Church to cleanse the sins of your city.  But man I gotta say those WBC protestors were a bit out of line.  I don't like incest either but damn High Sparrow Phelps you need to tell your peeps to chill. 

What's a 'shuttle'?  Do you mean 'dragon'?

Plus, what's with the Hodor hate?  What did he ever do to the Faith Militant?  For that matter, what did he ever do to anyone this season?  Oh yeah that's right, NOTHING!!!  God may not hate Hodor, but HBO certainly does.  I'm pretty pissed at the complete lack of Hodor this season (and for that matter, what's become of the surviving Starch boys, Bran and Wheat?).  HBO better make it up to us Hodor fans by having him on the Iron Throne by the end of Season 6.  

What's 'XMAS'?  Do you mean 'dragon'?

The Westerosi religious fundamentalists sure do have some weird hang ups with sex.  By my count, at least 3 major gay characters have been persecuted.  Ser Loras is rotting away in a dungeon because Olyvar's recollection of his weird Dorne-shaped birthmark was considered airtight legal evidence of sodomy.  The Lord of Light burned Mance Gaydar at the stake simply because of his eponymous sixth sense, which Melisandre feared would be used, Cerebro like, to unite all the gay Wildings into the largest gay army the world had ever seen.  Theon "Prime Time" Gayjoy had his dick chopped off and shipped in a box to his sister by the psychopathic pharaoh of Winterfell, Ramses Bolton.  The aggressive campaign of sexual repression conducted by the Westeros Baptist Chuch, coupled with the impending onslaught of the Long Winter and its attendant shrinkage, will no doubt make Season 6 the most perilous time to be a flopping Westerosi cock since the tyrannical rule of Daeclaerys "Knobslayer" Targaryen.  Gone are the halcyon days when the Starks could enjoy a leisurely outing in the godswood, just chilling while Hodor nonchalantly lets out his one-eyed raven for some fresh Northern air. 

HODOR!

At least the finale was an eventful one for my favorite character, Arya "Smarter than a 5^th grader" Stark.  She got to finally cross Ser Meryn Trant off her macabre grocery list, and in a surprisingly satisfying, grotesque way.  Most tweens would be too squeamish to dissect a frog, much less stab a grown man in both eyes and slit his throat, but nothing's too gory for our hero, Arya "Being Served" Stark.  Her eventual blindness was a bummer, sure, but I think next season will be an exciting one for Arya "That Somebody" Stark (I'm sorry but this paragraph was pretty much just an excuse to do stupid Arya puns).  

We also got to see the big reveal of Maester Qyburn's top secret science project, the resurrected Franken-Mountain,  It was a cool moment, but I can't help be a little bit bitter.  See, I tried out for the role of the Mountain all the way back in Season 1 but George R.R. said I wasn't big enough so they gave it to some Icelandic goon instead.  Then I tried out for the part of Ser Dunkin' the Tall of the House Shaquille, First of His Name, King of the Centers and the Sixth Men, Lord of the Double Doubles, and Protector of the Paint.  But George R.R.R. told me that such a character didn't exist, nor did such a house, and had I read the book because if I had I would know this, and I don't mean to be rude but Mr. O'Neal can you even read at all?  So that audition didn't go well I regret to say.  

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah, Winterfell.  Man, Winterfell is a scary place with the Boltons ruling it.  I don't know what Middlefinger was thinking when he decided that marrying off Sansa to Ramses was a good idea.  Speaking of middle fingers, George R.R.R.R. gave a huge one to his loyal fans by killing off Jon Snow at the very end of the episode.  I'm not too upset about it since we know "death" is not an eternal state in Martin's world.  My prediction is that 3 days after his burial Jon Snow's tomb will be found inexplicably empty by Melisandre, who will look at Jon up and about and not recognize him at first.  Upon seeing Jon's miraculously resurrected body, the former Night's Watch traitors will become his sworn disciples.  Even that asshole Olly.  Seriously Olly, dead parents are no excuse for being a prick.  Killing Egret was bad enough, but then you had to deliver the coup de grace on our beloved Jon Snow?  For shame.  But I suppose the Snow Angel forgives all, even killing his hot Wilding girlfriend.

Hot Pie will show up out of nowhere just because, and upon seeing Jon he will incredulously blink a few times, then tilt his head back and comically wipe his eyes, then put on his glasses and squint for a few seconds before shaking his head and finally declaring "nah, couldn't be..." and going off on his merry way.  This will be the first ever Game of Thrones scene to be accompanied by a laugh track.

Then King Tommen will visit Castle Black on some official kingly business, like to make sure the wall is zoned for castles or to check that the Wilding immigrants have all their papers in order.  He'll hear of Jon's resurrection but, having not been there to witness it, will flatly deny its veracity.  Jon will then invite him to touch all his cool stab wounds, and only after that does the king believe.  King Tommen will be thereafter known as Doubting Tommen and then sail off to whatever the Essosian equivalent of India is to spread the Gospel of Snow.  40 days later Jon will ascend to Heaven on the back of a dragon probably.

The Westeros Baptist Chuch will establish a religious holiday to celebrate Jon's resurrection.  It will be called "Easteros" and there will be chocolate direwolves and dragon's egg hunts galore.  Instead of carving stupid patterns into their foreheads, members of the Faith Militant will now wear chains with dagger pendants around their necks.  Failure to adequately celebrate Easteros will be punished by beheading.  And now my post has ended.