Eat prey, love

What up, peoplefolk? Y'all heard of this thing called FOODSTUFF??? That's what most people eat in order to live. But check it out, y'all, me and my Muslim homies and homettes can't eat none of that shit from sunup to sundown for a whole month on account of it being Ramadan right now. I'm just glad that Ramadan didn't fall during the NBA season like it has so often in years past.

Well anyway, I'm sure I'll blog more about Ramadan in the coming weeks, but now I want to share with y'all a very interesting article what I read on the world-wide interwebs. Scientists in Ethiopia recently fount proof that prehistoric Australopithecus afarensis (a surprisingly long and drawn-out name considering it has "pith" in it) from 3.4 million years ago used stone tools to butcher meat. For those of you who need background, Australianpithecus aforensics weren't members of our genus (which is--don't laugh--Homo). Rather, they arose more than a million years before Homo and are classified as early hominins (almost a homonym of "homonym"). The new finding means that our ancestors began eating meat and bone marrow 800,000 years earlier than scienticians had previously thought. Of course, this immediately and conclusively delegitimizes the entire vegetarian movement. If Lucy et al were eating delicious impala meat and wearing the latest dinosaur skin fashions some 3.4 million years ago, then who's to say that present-day humans are wrong for doing similarly? If meat was good enough for Lucy and good enough for Jesus, then by gum, it should be good enough for us too! In fact, when I'm elected Pope the first thing I'm going to do is change the Eucharist from a wafer to some sort of jerky. I think bacon will be involved too. It's supposed to be the body of Christ and last I checked Jesus wasn't made of unleavened bread. Comparing him to a cracker seems kind of racist to me now that I think about it more. Where's Andrew Breitbart when you really need him?

And I'm tired of all these liberal cardiologists from PETA telling people that red meat leads to cardiovascular disease. If that's true, how come cows, which are made ENTIRELY OF RED MEAT, very rarely need to undergo heart bypass surgery or have pacemakers installed? Huh? Answer me that, Peter Singer and Cass Sunstein! Meat is not murder. Meat doesn't kill animals, death kills animals. We evolved to what we are now solely due to eating meat as God intended us to. How else can you explain the progress from Lucy, who at a mere 3'6'' was probably known as the Muggsey Bogues of Australiansyphilis apparatus, to me, a 7'2'' Goliath of a man who has averaged 2.3 blocks per game over the course of what will surely prove to be a Hall of Fame career?

This lard is my lard

Yo yo yo, what it is, mon peeps? Y'all heard of this here thing called the CHILDHOOD OBESITY? That shit is undoubtedly a big (ha!) problem here in America, so our First Lady Michelle Hussein Obama has taken it upon herself to lead the movement (ha!) against it. The name of her public health initiative, "Let's Move", is a subtle nod to the Democrats' previous unsuccessful public health initiative, "Let's Move to Canada". The crux of Michelle Obama's message is that kids should exercise and eat healthy foods. It all seems like a common-sense solution to a pressing problem, right? Surely Michelle Obama's plan is laudable, or at the very least innocuous? HA! I pity you, naive liberal reader. For this is what I thought too, at first, before being enlightened by the brightest, most bulbous bulb on the informative chandelier that is Fox News. I am referring, of course, to none other than my boy Glenn Beck.

Apparently, Michelle Obama's fight against childhood obesity is difficult for Beck to stomach (ha!). This makes sense, as Beck and his Tea Party cohorts seem to be perpetually stuck in their childhood. They've never grown up from the selfish mindset of a petulant toddler. Thus, they don't like being told what to do, no matter how much it makes sense, no matter how much society as a whole will benefit from it. Self-improvement, if requested by an authority figure, is tantamount to tyranny. You might think that such a view, if held by a significant proportion of the populace, would lead to a hellish society no decent human would ever want to be part of. As I mentioned before, I would have agreed with you until my Beck-induced epiphany, my moment of Beckoning, if you will. Let us now explore it.

To cut to the chase, Michelle Obama's diabolical plan to force America's citizenry to become healthier and live longer, more satisfying lives means nothing less than the end of America as we know it. Obama uses so called "science" to claim that reducing sugar intake can decrease the likelihood of being obese or getting diabetes. However, a closer look at the evidence makes it clear that the Marxist socialist Obama plans on using her precious "facts" and "data" as a pretext to replace high fructose corn syrup with low fructose ACORN syrup. As the saying goes, you are what you eat. This country was founded on mammoth cauldrons of carbonated syrup water and family-size bags of Cheetos. Without those, what does being an American even mean? It's just a matter of time before Beck and his followers start a grassroots Soda Party to protest Obama's burgeoning nanny state. AH WAWNT MA 'MURKA BACK!!! 

Michelle Obama also claims that dessert is a privilege, not a right. Dessert isn't a right? Fuck that! Health care isn't a right! Dessert most certainly is a constitutionally protected right, or haven't you read the Bible??? I know Glenn Beck loves to compare Michelle Obama to Marie Antoinette, but at least Marie Antoinette would let the French peasants eat cake. YOU CAN HAVE MY TWINKIE WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS oh and also my bloated sausage fingers, let's not forget those. Most troubling of all, Michelle Obama also claims that breastfeeding can reduce a child's chance of obesity later in life. Promoting breastfeeding? Leave it to those perverted deviant liberals to encourage sex education among INFANTS! The first time I ever had a breast in my mouth was on my honeymoon, as Lord God intended it to be. In conclusion, WOODROW WILSON VAN JONES.

Glenn Beck, age 10, none too happy about his cabbage-flavored popsicle.