TNT: We Know Obama

Say y'all heard of this thing called America??? That country got itself a new president this past Monday! The Suns were in Boston since we had a game against the Celtics that night, but thankfully Coach Porter didn't schedule practice that day so we were all able to watch the Inauguration. I usually get all my news from FOX news since they have my two favorite shows, Your Baby Can Read! and The O'Reilly Factory. However, since some of the players on the Suns are patriots while the others are pinheads, we couldn't watch any of the partisan networks, as such an arrangement would be most discommodious (thanks, Factor Word of the Day!) and pestiferous (look at me go!). We arrived at a compromise of watching the Inauguration festivities on TNT. I must say, the crew of Inside the NBA did a surprisingly good job:


Notice the lack of an American flag pin on his lapel...

DAVID STERN: With the first pick in the 2009 Presidential Draft, the United States of America selects (fumbles around with the envelope for a few seconds)... 6'1'' junior Senator from Illinois, Barack Hussein Obama!
ERNIE JOHNSON: Oh wow, what a shocker! Many experts thought that Obama made a mistake when he declared for the draft early.
CHARLES BARKLEY: I don't care what people think. People are stupid.
KENNY SMITH: Well, I for one didn't have him being drafted this early. I thought he should've gone back to the Senate for at least one more term to help hone his point guard skills.
CHARLES BARKLEY: That's wronger than ketchup on pancakes.
ERNIE JOHNSON: (ignoring Sir Charles) Many owners were also reluctant to draft him due to concerns that he would not be eligible to play immediately, as he was rumored to still be under contract with his Muslim Kenyan overlords.
KENNY SMITH: His strong showing at the pre-draft workouts probably made a lot of difference--
CHARLES BARKLEY: Where can a brother get a drink around here?
ERNIE JOHNSON: Well, um... Craig Sager is courtside with the new President. Let's go to Craig.
CRAIG SAGER: Thanks, Ernie. First of all, congratulations to you, President Obama. How do you feel on this historic occasion?
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: It's a dream come true. To be the first Harvard Law graduate to ever stand on that stage and shake Commissioner Stern's hand, it's pretty humbling.
CRAIG SAGER: The nation is still trying to recover from Isiah Thomas's disastrous signing of George W. Bush to an 8-year, $4 trillion contract. It may be years before we're finally under the salary cap. How do you assess your chances of leading America to a long-awaited championship?
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: I just want to get America back in the playoffs, were we belong.
CRAIG SAGER: Best of luck to you, Mr. President.
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: Shukran.
CRAIG SAGER: Que?
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: I mean thanks.
CRAIG SAGER: Oh, you're welcome.
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: Allahu akbar.
ERNIE JOHNSON: Great interview as always Craig. We now turn to--
CHARLES BARKLEY: I ain't never seen cranberry juice without vodka in it! Hey Craig, ask Obama if he's ever seen cranberry juice without vodka in it!
ERNIE JOHNSON: Sorry, Charles, I think the interview is already over.
CHARLES BARKLEY: Now why the hell would I know that?
KENNY SMITH: (trying to change the subject) President Obama has his work cut out for him. Diaper-wearing Senator David Vitter (R-LA) just voted against his Secretary of State nominee Hillary Clinton, Yao Ming has a sore right knee, and perhaps worst of all, the Portland Trailblazers have threatened to fillibuster the confirmation of Darius Miles, his choice for new Drug Czar.
CHARLES BARKLEY: Where can a brother get a car, preferably a black Infiniti SUV, around here?
ERNIE JOHNSON: Charles, have you been drinking?
CHARLES BARKLEY: Hey Craig, ask Osama iffy nose where a brother get a blow job rounddeer!

That's when Coach Porter made us turn the TV off.

Happy 2009

Say y'all heard of this thing called the Gregorian calendar? That's the calendar what Pope Gregory House bullied people into using back in Renaissance times, so now we be using that shit to remind us when to pay rent. But that ain't all, that dude's invention also informs us as to when one year ends and the next one begins. The day when this event occurs is known as "New Year's Day". That shit just happened again a little while ago. I was taken by surprise, as it seems like only a year ago I was snorting Nestle's Crunch off a stripper's thigh in honor of New Year's 2008. But anyway, what did y'all do to commemorate the arrival of 2009? I went to visit my alma mater in Baton Rouge, which is French for "red baton". There was a party at this dude's place where some idiots set up a homemade beer pong table that was painted blue with two Stars of David stenciled in, in honor of Hanukkah or the bombing of Gaza I suppose. All the people there were of normal stature so I towered over them, Gulliver to their Lilliputians, Goliath to their David, Manute Bol to their Spud Webb, neutron to their electron, etc etc etc. What I'm trying to say is that I am quite tall, much taller in fact than most people who do not make their living playing professional basketball. So anyway, me trying to throw a ping pong ball into a Solo cup is like a normal person trying to throw a peppercorn into a thimble, and if you really think about it why would anyone want to throw a peppercorn into a thimble, especially if you don't like peppercorn or are perhaps allergic to it, which I'm not, but what if you're cooking for a dinner party and one of the guests is? Then you have a lawsuit on your hands and a dead acquantaince on your floor. To get back to the point, I actually like pepper a lot and sprinkle it frequently on a variety of things, such as omelets, soups, chowders, pastas, Nestle's Crunch, Chattam's Icy-Hot pain relief sleeves, and of course, freedom fries. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, thimbles. Why aren't they called "thumbles"?