or is that "Dennis the Mennis"? Anyway, just had to tell y'all I saw that dude who Speakz in da House up close and in person the other day. I was in DC to see the Pixies in concert, and beforehand we decided to pregame at this place by the Maison Blanche called Old Ebbitt Grill. So I rolls up to it, and who else do I see but Dennis Hastert, the morbidly obese Speaker udda House! Man he was wearing this uber-festive bright red Christmas sweater. Quite unflattering. With a physique such as his, it's a very bad decision to call attention to oneself like that. Tha ladeez wasn't havin none of it so he was relegated to sitting with one of his Republican homeez. I was awestruck by his presence. They got this one channel on TV which stars him like 24/7. I want to have my own channel, so I had a few things I wanted to ask him. At first I was shy 'cause he was just chillin and eatin on some foods. But finally, apres a few drinks, I went up to him and was like, "Daps to dat boy who be passin' that Intel Reform Bill!!!". I went to give him daps but I guess he was unfamiliar with that particular display of respect and admiration, what with it being prevalent primarily among urban(e) youth. So he mistook it as me trying to punch him and called his bodyguards over. In the ensuing tussle they spilled wine all over my threads. Fuck Dennis Hastert. Seriously, if any of y'all Illannoyan cats live in his congressional district, don't vote for him. Fuck him and his National Sales Tax. And his maw.
Friday, December 10, 2004
Friday, December 03, 2004
They love to play for the World Best Fan
Shaqdaddy back up in this, check out my flavor! Anyways, over at Morris' excellent blog, Down With Whitey, the topic of the 1985-1986 Chicago Bears came up. I just want to use this space to state, without equivocation, that them Bears was the best team in any sport in the history of this universe. Yes, folks, that includes all the teams my 7'2" ass been on.
But even more importantly, they were a cultural phenomenon that transcended mere sports. They transformed the world of art. Their hit rap song, Super Bowl Shuffle, is one of the most influential songs of all time. I think it's safe to say that without them there would be no NWA, Snoop Dogg, Jay-Z, Twista, Beatles, Lil' Jon, or Radiohead (to name but 7). Countless aspiring guitarists in the mid-80s grew up wanting nothing more than to emulate their hero, Mike Tomczak, as he rocked out on lead guitar. Reggie Phillips showed his subtle mastery of the bongos, an instrument that he himself invented. Mike Singletary's avant garde choreography for the video predated Darren's Dance Grooves by more than 15 years yet holds up remarkably well when seen through 21st-century eyes. Their artistic integrity is even more remarkable when juxtaposed against the prefabricated lip-syncing pop tarts and pathetically talentless "crossover" athletes (myself excluded; I'm awesome) of the modern day. Consider: an entire team of elite professional athletes who also happen to be accomplished musicians writing their own rap song (thereby aiding immeasurably to the evolution of a nascent musical genre that would achieve the preeminent place atop the charts only a decade later) and earning a Grammy nomination in the process. It is unreasonable to expect to see anything like that these days. Their team policy of "practice all day, dance all night" provided the balance that ensured that the perfection of their art would not be done at the expense of their football skills. Thus, they were "ready for the Sunday fight" and rose above braggadocio by indeed winning the Super Bowl.
And as if that weren't enough, they also had a pronounced impact on world political and social policy. Many people don’t remember this, but the United States in the mid-80s was riven with prejudice, discrimination, and segregation. Society was splintered as certain groups of people eyed certain other groups with suspicion to the extent that each group retreated into itself. The lack of interaction across segments of the population precluded humanity from reaching its full potential. Sometimes the segregation was voluntary, but most times it was enforced or at least enabled by poorly fashioned, divisive policy such as Reagan's disastrous "Hobo and Homo Removal Act of 1983" and the U.S. Marines' ill-fated decision to invade Harlem and replace the native government with a pro-gentrification junta. The state of football mirrored the sad state of society in general. As ridiculous as it seems now, back in those days it was considered scandalous for members of the offense to mingle with members of the defense. Pre-Super Bowl Shuffle, teams often had separate locker rooms for offense and defense. Members of the defense were forced to sit in the back of the team bus. Cornerbacks earned 75 cents for every dollar earned by wide receivers. Churches frequented by linebackers were often razed to the ground by throngs of crazed fullbacks.
It was against this backdrop of strife and tumult that the 1985-1986 Chicago Bears introduced the world to their Super Bowl Shuffle. What a revelation it was. Here you had offense and defense putting aside their traditional animosities and sharing the same stage together. Running backs rapping alongside safeties. Nose guards breaking bread with centers. Finally, an NFL team's offense realized that they could neither "run like lightning" nor "pass like thunder" without the help of a defense that could "stop the run, stop the pass", and "like[d] to dump guys on their ass". The culmination of the Chicago Bears' mission to tear down the barrier that had always existed between offense and defense was Coach Mike Ditka's decision to use William "The Refrigerator" Perry, his portly gap-toothed defensive lineman, as a running back in Super Bowl XX. The Fridge's touchdown in that game set off fevered celebrations all over the world.
The 1985-1986 Chicago Bears' brazen disregard for the bigoted ways of old had far-reaching ramifications on the global social structure. Suddenly the previously unspoken hopes of long-suffering defensive personnel had found a voice and were on their way to being realized. The synthesis of offense and defense had finally been achieved. Now, there was only The Shuffle. A global epiphany soon followed. People began to admit to the illogical and destructive nature of their former prejudices. As those in power realized that their control over the masses by fear and ignorance was tenuous, they began to strike discriminatory laws off the books. In 5 short years a groundswell of popular rebellion led to the dissolution of the Soviet Union and a move towards democracy. One year later the United States elected its first black president, Bill Clinton. A mere 2 years later South Africa ended its policy of apartheid and held its first nation-wide all-race elections. And in a bit of poetic justice, William "The Fridge" Perry was elected president in a landslide. As the famed Samuel Dosterdand, haiku writer and Poet Laureate of Greenland, has so eloquently noted,
But even more importantly, they were a cultural phenomenon that transcended mere sports. They transformed the world of art. Their hit rap song, Super Bowl Shuffle, is one of the most influential songs of all time. I think it's safe to say that without them there would be no NWA, Snoop Dogg, Jay-Z, Twista, Beatles, Lil' Jon, or Radiohead (to name but 7). Countless aspiring guitarists in the mid-80s grew up wanting nothing more than to emulate their hero, Mike Tomczak, as he rocked out on lead guitar. Reggie Phillips showed his subtle mastery of the bongos, an instrument that he himself invented. Mike Singletary's avant garde choreography for the video predated Darren's Dance Grooves by more than 15 years yet holds up remarkably well when seen through 21st-century eyes. Their artistic integrity is even more remarkable when juxtaposed against the prefabricated lip-syncing pop tarts and pathetically talentless "crossover" athletes (myself excluded; I'm awesome) of the modern day. Consider: an entire team of elite professional athletes who also happen to be accomplished musicians writing their own rap song (thereby aiding immeasurably to the evolution of a nascent musical genre that would achieve the preeminent place atop the charts only a decade later) and earning a Grammy nomination in the process. It is unreasonable to expect to see anything like that these days. Their team policy of "practice all day, dance all night" provided the balance that ensured that the perfection of their art would not be done at the expense of their football skills. Thus, they were "ready for the Sunday fight" and rose above braggadocio by indeed winning the Super Bowl.
And as if that weren't enough, they also had a pronounced impact on world political and social policy. Many people don’t remember this, but the United States in the mid-80s was riven with prejudice, discrimination, and segregation. Society was splintered as certain groups of people eyed certain other groups with suspicion to the extent that each group retreated into itself. The lack of interaction across segments of the population precluded humanity from reaching its full potential. Sometimes the segregation was voluntary, but most times it was enforced or at least enabled by poorly fashioned, divisive policy such as Reagan's disastrous "Hobo and Homo Removal Act of 1983" and the U.S. Marines' ill-fated decision to invade Harlem and replace the native government with a pro-gentrification junta. The state of football mirrored the sad state of society in general. As ridiculous as it seems now, back in those days it was considered scandalous for members of the offense to mingle with members of the defense. Pre-Super Bowl Shuffle, teams often had separate locker rooms for offense and defense. Members of the defense were forced to sit in the back of the team bus. Cornerbacks earned 75 cents for every dollar earned by wide receivers. Churches frequented by linebackers were often razed to the ground by throngs of crazed fullbacks.
It was against this backdrop of strife and tumult that the 1985-1986 Chicago Bears introduced the world to their Super Bowl Shuffle. What a revelation it was. Here you had offense and defense putting aside their traditional animosities and sharing the same stage together. Running backs rapping alongside safeties. Nose guards breaking bread with centers. Finally, an NFL team's offense realized that they could neither "run like lightning" nor "pass like thunder" without the help of a defense that could "stop the run, stop the pass", and "like[d] to dump guys on their ass". The culmination of the Chicago Bears' mission to tear down the barrier that had always existed between offense and defense was Coach Mike Ditka's decision to use William "The Refrigerator" Perry, his portly gap-toothed defensive lineman, as a running back in Super Bowl XX. The Fridge's touchdown in that game set off fevered celebrations all over the world.
The 1985-1986 Chicago Bears' brazen disregard for the bigoted ways of old had far-reaching ramifications on the global social structure. Suddenly the previously unspoken hopes of long-suffering defensive personnel had found a voice and were on their way to being realized. The synthesis of offense and defense had finally been achieved. Now, there was only The Shuffle. A global epiphany soon followed. People began to admit to the illogical and destructive nature of their former prejudices. As those in power realized that their control over the masses by fear and ignorance was tenuous, they began to strike discriminatory laws off the books. In 5 short years a groundswell of popular rebellion led to the dissolution of the Soviet Union and a move towards democracy. One year later the United States elected its first black president, Bill Clinton. A mere 2 years later South Africa ended its policy of apartheid and held its first nation-wide all-race elections. And in a bit of poetic justice, William "The Fridge" Perry was elected president in a landslide. As the famed Samuel Dosterdand, haiku writer and Poet Laureate of Greenland, has so eloquently noted,
"He is the rookie.
The others, they learn from him.
He's no dumb cookie."
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Age ain't nothing but a number denoting how old you are
Yo, any of y'all know the age of consent in Florida? It's not higher than 13, is it? Just asking is all.
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