Armchairmageddon

Damn y’all heard of this thing called weather?  Here in the NOLA we're just now emerging from what was undoubtedly one of the worst weather events in recorded human history, a mini Ice Age that made Younger Dryas look like Fetal Dryas.  People were even giving it dramatic names like Sneauxmageddon (because people here don’t cotton to accurate spelling) or Snowah’s Ark or The Transfiguration of Iced or Weatherpocalypse or well you get the point.  I don’t understand why these weather events always have to be described in Biblical terms.  This isn’t the Bible Belt.  It’s more like if you undid the Bible Belt and maybe the top couple buttons on your linen pants, Louisiana is what would clumsily tumble out.  A moderately sized half chub accidentally unfurled in a drunken moment but thankfully the rest of the country pretends it didn't see anything and everyone can proceed as if nothing untoward happened. 

Anyway most people were safely ensconced in their weather bunkers but those who hadn’t planned ahead (myself included) had to brave 30 degree temperatures to secure adequate disaster provisions.  Before you scoff, let me remind you that’s 30 degrees Fahrenheit.  FAHRENHEIT, I SAY!!!  Rouses was a madhouse.  People were elbowing sweet old ladies clear off their Rascals just to get the last party pack of Abita.  I’m not proud of some of the things I had to do but all’s fair in love and slightly below freezing weather. 

Forgive me God for going Dikembe Mutumbo on this elderly woman. 

Blame Christie for me

Aw damn yo y’all heard of this dude Chris Crispie?  He’s the rotund governor of this place called New Jersey and the presumptive favorite to be the Republican presidential candidate in 2016.  Or at least he was the early favorite, until this Bridgegate scandal broke a few days ago.  When Chris Christie sits around the George Washington Bridge, he really sits AROUND the George Washington Bridge.  Also when he closes three lanes on the George Washington Bride because of a petty quarrel with a political enemy, he really closes three lanes on the George Washington Bridge because of a petty quarrel with a political enemy.  Mark Sokolich may be the mayor of Fort Lee but Chris Christie is the governor of portly.  OOH BURN.  Fat jokes are witty and mature which is why I am making a bunch of them.  With Chris Christie at the helm, even a unicycle is a high occupancy vehicle.  TRENTON ISN'T JUST THE CAPITAL OF NEW JERSEY, IT'S ALSO HOW MUCH CHRIS CHRISTIE WEIGHS.  WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS THAT CHRIS CHRISTIE LIKELY HAS A BMI HIGHER THAN THAT OF THE AVERAGE HUMAN.

Bridgegate is the worst thing Christie's done since that time he worked with President Obama to help his constituents recover from Hurricane Sandy.  I say we should have just let the free market take care of things.  I mean, HELLO, if you can't deal with the destruction that inevitably comes along in the wake of a hurricane, THEN HOW ABOUT YOU DON'T LIVE IN NEW JERSEY, EINSTEIN???!!!? (no offense to actual Einstein, who did live in New Jersey for the latter part of his life).  This is just common sense, people.  You don't want to reward that kind of bad decision making.  But of course President Maobama and Comrade Christie had to go and give New Jerseyans a literal bail out.  Between Bridgegate and HelpingpeopleputtheirlivesbacktogetherafteradevastatingactofGodgate, I'm beginning to regret having my picture taken with him last year. 

I hope this picture doesn't wind up being as infamous as the one of Ronald Dumsfeld and Saddam Hussein from the 80s. 

Speaking of new jerseys I hope that shit the Bulls wore on Christmas doesn’t catch on.  Peace, I’m out like McGreevy.