Shit y’all heard about the State of the Union? That’s this speech what the president has to
do every year in front of Congress and a bunch of esteemed guests such as war
heroes, Supreme Court justices, and noted self-soiler Ted Nugent. Of his nationally televised speeches in 2013, I'd
rank Obama’s SOTU address a little bit behind his inauguration speech. But say y’all noticed that Obama has
developed a really bad habit of scheduling his most important nationally
televised speeches on holidays? The
inauguration was on Martian Luther King Day and the SOTU was on Mardi
Gras. Damn, Obama, I’m tranah get my drink
on and my throwcatch on, I don’t have time for all this political shit.
Anyway, Obama said some stuff about political stuff
and what not. It was pretty standard fare. The real star of the night was Florida
senator Marco Rubio, who delivered the GOP’s rebuttal immediately after Obama’s
speech. The GOP has a storied tradition
of allowing its most charismatic rising stars to give the
rebuttal, and last night was no different. Rubio was an excellent choice as he had already captivated America with his inspirational life story, from his parents' daring escape immigration from Castro's Cuba in 1959 Batista's Cuba in 1956 to his swift ascent through the ranks of the Florida Republican establishment, culminating in his 2010 election to the U.S. Senate. Marco Rubio truly epitomizes the American Dream (and maybe the D.R.E.A.M. Act?). More importantly, the fact that his family is from Cuba is proof positive that the GOP does not hate Hispanics, just as Mitch McConnell's high stature within the party is proof that the GOP does not hate turtles.
Rubio showed that he was up to the task, giving an unforgettably stirring and patriotic speech that will no doubt catapult him to national prominence and secure a place for him in the pantheon of GOP rising stars, right next to
Bobby Jindal (first Indian –American governor of Louisiana and winner of the
2010 Emmy Award for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy or Musical for his work
in 30 Rock) and Michelle Bachmann (first Woman-American Head Counselor at the
Marcus Bachmann Institute of Not Being a Gay).
Unfortunately, most of the lamestream media will remember Rubio’s
speech not for the golden-tongued eloquence of his rhetoric or the irrefutable soundness of his fiscal ideas, but for a fleeting faux pas. Rubio interrupted his speech in mid-sentence to crouch off frame and
retrieve a bottle of Poland Spring and take a tiny sip of
it, all the while never failing to maintain eye contact with the camera. This was a surprisingly unpolished breach of
television decorum, one that some liberals have even dubbed “Watergate”,
presumably as a reference to the Clinton-era real estate scandal
Whitewatergate. I’m not so sure that the
whole –gate suffix thing as boilerplate to denote a political scandal will
catch on, but whatever.
Conventional wisdom is saying that Rubio unintentionally made an embarrassing mistake, but I challenge that. Rufio is playing political chess here. He wants the media to think he made a gaffe, when really he was just slyly reaching out to an important foreign ally. Think about it: the water he was drinking was Poland
Spring, which is of course a reference to the recent wave of pro-democracy demonstrations
sweeping through the former Soviet bloc, demonstrations that no doubt owe much to other contemporary grassroots
movements that have spread around the world, from the Arab Spring to the Irish
Spring to the Silent Spring. This was a subtle but no doubt
very effective way of expressing our gratitude and validating the support of
our most crucial ally in the War on Terror, Poland. As George Dubya repeatedly reminded John
Kerry during that debate in 2004, DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE FORGET POLAND MOTHERFUCKER WHAT? John Kerry proved you can't forget Poland and win the Presidency. As Poland goes, so goes Murka. With Poland now at his side, Marco Polo has
positioned himself at the head of the pack in the 2016 presidential election.
