Aww man y'all heard of this election about to go down tomorrow? This nation of America finnuh elect a President! Also a Vice-President, I think. And various other state and local offices and initiatives. But the main thing is the presidential election. Who do y'all think will win? As of now it's basically a two-man race between Barack Hussein Obama and Willard Mitt Romney. I bet y'all prolly want to know who Shaq-Fu is gonna vote for, but I gots to keep that shit under wraps since as we all know if you say your wish out loud it'll never come true.
Now I'm no political science guru, but seems to me that in order for Obama to remain president he needs to win at least 270 votes in the Electoral College. If the Electoral College is staffed by liberal elitist eggheads like most other colleges I know of, then this shouldn't really be a problem for him. Romney is already facing long odds, and to make matters worse, his campaign continues to show itself to be remarkably gaffe prone. We all know about the infamous "47%" and "binders full of women" comments, but those blunders pale in comparison to his most recent mistakes. At a controversial campaign rally in Ohio, Romney lambasted President Obama for not declaring Hurricane Sandy an act of terror. He then tried to create buzz in Pennsylvania, a key battleground state with 20 electoral votes, by partnering with its flagship university to rename its football team the Penn State Mittany Lions. Pundits are still divided as to whose reputation was damaged more by the ill-advised partnership.
I haven't been following this election too closely, but both candidates seem flawed to me. Obama, of course, is a Kenyan anticolonical Muslamic atheist Marxist Jew, and Romney is... well, that's actually hard to say. Who is Mitt Romney? The 'Etch-a-Sketch' candidate and consummate political chameleon (or is that chamillionaire?), it's hard to pin him down. Arguably, his two defining qualities are his deeply held Mormon faith and his immense wealth. Most people know that cars exist, and that elevators exist, but did you know that car elevators exist? It's true. There are these things called car elevators, and Mitt Romney has one. Can't Romney's cars just take the stairs like the cars of the 99 percent? Apparently not. When I was a kid, my car had to walk to the garage uphill in the snow both ways, it didn't have the luxury of an elevator. The concept of car elevators is so absurd that if a foreigner trying to learn English were to hear the phrase "car elevator" he would just assume it was one of those crazy, inscrutable English idioms like "let the cat out of the bag" or "by the skin of your teeth" or "spill the beans" or "throw the baby out with the bathwater". I wouldn't be a bit surprised if, in addition to car elevators, countless mansions, and numerous offshore tax havens, Romney had a fleet of butlers ready to attend to his every need. It seems difficult, if not impossible, to reconcile his professed religiosity with such immorally ostentatious displays of wealth. What would Jesus do? He'd bus his own damn dishes, that's for sure. God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Jeeves. So, who is Mitt Romney? Well, if brevity is the soul of wit, then Sotheby's is the soul of Mitt.
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