Psycho Willard, qu'est-ce que c'est?

Aww man y'all heard of this election about to go down tomorrow?  This nation of America finnuh elect a President!  Also a Vice-President, I think.  And various other state and local  offices and initiatives.  But the main thing is the presidential election.  Who do y'all think will win?  As of now it's basically a two-man race between Barack Hussein Obama and Willard Mitt Romney.  I bet y'all prolly want to know who Shaq-Fu is gonna vote for, but I gots to keep that shit under wraps since as we all know if you say your wish out loud it'll never come true. 

Now I'm no political science guru, but seems to me that in order for Obama to remain president he needs to win at least 270 votes in the Electoral College.  If the Electoral College is staffed by liberal elitist eggheads like most other colleges I know of, then this shouldn't really be a problem for him.  Romney is already facing long odds, and to make matters worse, his campaign continues to show itself to be remarkably gaffe prone.  We all know about the infamous "47%" and "binders full of women" comments, but those blunders pale in comparison to his most recent mistakes.  At a controversial campaign rally in Ohio, Romney lambasted President Obama for not declaring Hurricane Sandy an act of terror.  He then tried to create buzz in Pennsylvania, a key battleground state with 20 electoral votes, by partnering with its flagship university to rename its football team the Penn State Mittany Lions.  Pundits are still divided as to whose reputation was damaged more by the ill-advised partnership. 

I haven't been following this election too closely, but both candidates seem flawed to me.  Obama, of course, is a Kenyan anticolonical Muslamic atheist Marxist Jew, and Romney is... well, that's actually hard to say.  Who is Mitt Romney?  The 'Etch-a-Sketch' candidate and consummate political chameleon (or is that chamillionaire?), it's hard to pin him down.  Arguably, his two defining qualities are his deeply held Mormon faith and his immense wealth.  Most people know that cars exist, and that elevators exist, but did you know that car elevators exist?  It's true.  There are these things called car elevators, and Mitt Romney has one.  Can't Romney's cars just take the stairs like the cars of the 99 percent?  Apparently not.  When I was a kid, my car had to walk to the garage uphill in the snow both ways, it didn't have the luxury of an elevator.  The concept of car elevators is so absurd that if a foreigner trying to learn English were to hear the phrase "car elevator" he would just assume it was one of those crazy, inscrutable English idioms like "let the cat out of the bag" or "by the skin of your teeth" or "spill the beans" or "throw the baby out with the bathwater".  I wouldn't be a bit surprised if, in addition to car elevators, countless mansions, and numerous offshore tax havens, Romney had a fleet of butlers ready to attend to his every need.  It seems difficult, if not impossible, to reconcile his professed religiosity with such immorally ostentatious displays of wealth.  What would Jesus do?  He'd bus his own damn dishes, that's for sure.  God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Jeeves.  So, who is Mitt Romney?  Well, if brevity is the soul of wit, then Sotheby's is the soul of Mitt.

Shaq-Fil-A

Damn y'all heard of the First Amendment?  That's the one that says God hates fags.  But anyway, them liberal elitists been boycotting this fast food establishment Chick-Fil-A just because its President and Chief Operating Officer has donated millions of dollars to anti-gay groups.  So what if Chick-Fil-A is against gay marriage?  God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.  Marriage is between a man and a woman, not Amanda and a woman.  Whatever happened to freedom of speech?  If conservative Christians want to devote their time, energy, and money to making the lives of millions of their fellow humans miserable, then that's their right and of course they shouldn't be questioned or challenged in any way whatsoever because they are truly doing God's work here on this giant blue teardrop known as Urf that's hurtling around and around in space like a drunk driver, damned to eternally be in pursuit of a destination it'll never reach.  And also the moon is its sidecar, I suppose.  Anyway, the point is that Christians shouldn't be penalized for exercising their right to believe in freedom and Jesus and the freedom to Jesus. 

Now, some people might think that eating greasy fried chicken isn't exactly the most important part of being a Christian.  Might someone's faith be better expressed by accosting people outside an abortion clinic, protesting a soldier's funeral, or creating a profile at Christian Mingle?  Sure, but we can't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.  Even a cursory reading of the Bible makes it clear that God wants people to eschew the heathenous liberal abomination of hamburgers served at such dens of iniquity as Arby's and Five Guys, with their Satanic red meat and blasphemous horsey sauce.  Of course God wants people to eat mor chikin.  God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Beef. 

So conservatives are swarming into Chick-Fil-As all over the country, temporarily casting aside their impeccably healthy lifestyles in order to indulge their greasetooth in Jesus' name.  Good for them (I guess gluttony isn't a sin anymore?).  Maybe some liberals will want to boycott the delicious artery clogging holiness of Chick-Fil-A due to Chick-Fil-A's supporters raising such a fuss about defending "traditional family values", to which I say don't hate the dinner, hate the din.  Just because Chick-Fil-A is full of hateful bigots, that don't make the chicken any less greasy and fattening and therefore delicious.  By boycotting Chick-Fil-A, you're really just boycotting your cardiologist and liposuctioneer.  A better reason to boycott Chick-Fil-A is the horrible example their beloved cow mascots set for our children.  Their atrocious spelling is reason enough for me to forbid little Shaquilla from eating there.  Really Chick-Fil-A, how hard is it to find literate cows for your ubiquitious ad campaigns? 

Moo didn't build that!

 

Marbury v. Medicine

Say y'all heard of this thing called the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, otherwise known as OBAMACARE???  The Supreme Court just ruled that that shit was constitutional the other day.  As a conservative, I'm against all medicine, especially antibiotics and the like.  Why should doctors administer medicine to boost sick people's lazy, shiftless immune systems?  Your white blood cells should pick themselves up by their own bootstraps and not rely on an antibacterial handout.  If your white blood cell count is too low, then you need only blame the multicultural, pro-diversity PC liberal lie that says red blood cells are just as important as white blood cells.  White blood cells are already the minority, pretty soon they'll be overrun by all kinds of illegal bacteria and other assorted swarthy pathogens that the PC liberals insist on letting into our bodies.  THIS IS AMERICA SPEAK ENGLISH.

The Surpeme Court got it wrong.  Obamacare is undoubtedly unconstitutional and should be repealed post-haste.  I don't want my taxpayer monies to go to federally funded abortions.  I think the Republicans should pass a law forcing women to name their fetus before being able to get an abortion.  I also don't want my taxpayer monies to go to contraception.  Life begins at conception, therefore abortion begins at contraception, therefore contraception is wrong.  The penalty for having sex should be pregnancy because life is a miracle and children are the future.