Kobe Bryant doesn't care about gay people

Hey y'all, y'all heard of this dude Kobe Bryant? Chances are you have, since he's one of the most famous rapists in recent history. But what most of y'all may not know is that he's also a professional basketball player. It's true! In fact, I was once his teammate way back in the day, when I led the Los Angeles Lakers to 3 consecutive NBA championships from 2000-2002. People remember those teams mainly for my complete dominance in the low post, Robert Horry's clutch three-point shooting, and A.C. Green's legendarily impenetrable virginity. But we honestly couldn't have won those titles without Kobe's epic ball-hogging. It seemed like every night ESPN showed highlights of him setting some weird NBA record like most missed shots in a game or highest arrogant douchebag percentage or longest streak of consecutive games with at least one attempted rape. In retrospect it seems like a small miracle that A.C. Green survived those seasons with his virginity intact.

Sure, Kobe and I feuded a little bit in those days, but the situation was never as bad as the media portrayed it to be. I never viewed him as much of a threat because I was just so much cooler than he was. I have like 47 awesome nicknames. Shaqtus, Big Aristotle, Shaq Diesel, Black Leonardo, Shaq Morris, Shaqtion Jackson, Shaq-Fu, Shaq the Ripper, Henrietta Shaqs, Big Shamrock, Love Shaqtually, etcetcetc. Does Kobe even have one? The Black Mamba? Please. Kobe wishes he were black.

At this point you may be wondering why I am even bringing up Kobe. Well, it's because he's in the news again. Turns out that in addition to being a ball-hogging sex offender, he's also a homophobe. On Wednesday the NBA fined him $100K for directing an anti-gay slur at a referee after the referee had given him a technical foul. In Kobe's defense, a few years ago the NBA changed its rules to favor offense by prohibiting certain defensive techniques such as hand checking and rape, and Kobe, who was formerly known as an elite defender, has had difficulty adjusting. I'm not sure if the referee was justified in T'ing Kobe up, but questionable technical fouls happen all the time. Kobe definitely overreacted by calling the ref a "fucking faggot". (Pardon the language, but accurate reportage demands it. To the more easily offended members of my readership, read that last phrase as "dagning taggart") The NBA prides itself on its enlightened gay-friendly attitude, boasting many gay icons from John Amaechi to... umm... I'm pretty sure Isiah Thomas and Magic Johnson kissed that one time. That counts, right?


Simpler times

Anyway, the point is that Kobe's bigoted slur is unacceptable in today's NBA. We as a society should encourage our gay youth to follow their dreams no matter where that may lead them. Even if it leads them to become NBA referees. Corrupt, incompetent, out-of-shape, subtly racist NBA referees. A generation of bright-eyed gay youth enthusiastically following in the footsteps of Tim Donaghy, Dick Bavetta, Joey Crawford, and Bennett Salvatore... Wait. On second thought, Kobe, use all the anti-gay slurs you want. Cocksucker is a good one, for example. Fucking flamer is too, as it has KKK-esque connotations of using fire as a weapon. Gay-ass gayboy is a pretty good one too because it has the word gay right there in it like two times. Nancy boy isn't so good, since people will probably just think you're referring to the nickname of Larry Nance, who was one of the Cleveland Cavaliers' biggest stars in the late 80s and early 90s. The important thing is to make it crystal clear that gays are not welcome in the ranks of NBA referees. Please Kobe, it's up to you to lead the way. I know we've had our differences, you and I, but I'm not asking you to do this for me. Do it for that kindergartener in Topeka who would rather play with dolls than fire engines. Do it for that 11 year-old in Des Moines who combs his hair and brushes his teeth without being asked to. Do it for those transgendered toddlers in that J. Crew catalog. Do it for half the cast of Glee. Do it for all the gay children across America who deserve a better fate than growing up to be NBA referees.

Tach it up*

Well, it looks like all my bitching and moaning about the waste and inefficiency endemic to the federal government might finally pay off. Them Republicans finnuh shet down the fejrul gubmint! It's about time. It's also about selfishness. Oh! Did you see what I did there? It's called a zeugma.

This is an ideal opportunity for conservatives to prove to the rest of the country that they were right all along about the uselessness of the federal government. The government is best which governs least, as they like to say while Thoreau spins round in his grave. They were proven correct about so many of their other pet theories, like trickle-down economics, the War on Drugs, Social Security privatization, and slavery, so I'm assuming this whole government shut down thing will work out perfectly too. It won't affect me anyway since I live in a posh gated community in the 'burbs, with a passel of servants to attend to my every need. So I couldn't care less. For those of you who will be adversely affected by potential government shutdown, I suggest that you grab your passport and leave the country. And if you don't have a passport, oops I guess you're fucked since the passport office will shut down. It's weird that the NFL is locked out, the NBA will probably have a lock out once the season ends, and the gubmint might also be shut down. These things come in threes I suppose.

*see