Pure Applesauce

Aww man say y'all heard tell of the Surpeme Court ruling that gay folk can get married up here in the U.S. of A.?  Man it has been a tough couple of weeks for us Conservative types.  Darth Vader Ginsburg and her liberal peers on the Court are unelected tyrants and the Supreme Court is no better than a modern-day Star Chamber, although for the purposes of this analogy I suppose it's more like a Star Destroyer, but instead of destroying stars what it really destroys is the very fabric of American society.  The liberal wing of the Supreme Court has cast aside the sturdy and tasteful hand-picked denim of America's glorious past and replaced it with some kind of diaphanous frou-frou silk taffeta abomination.  Whereas the denim is machine washable with similar colors, the silk is dry clean only.  Ok sorry, this stupid metaphor is hanging on by a thread.  Moving on...

The Supreme Court's fascist anti-Christian diktat makes a mockery of religious freedom.  It's like the Bible says.  If 2 adult human beings who love each other can get married, then who's to say that a pet goldfish can't marry a bowl of tomato soup?  It's a slippery slope.  A taut yet supple, glistening, sultry, well-endowed slope that is also a good listener and a generous lover.  This is what we Bible-believing Mercians have to compete with.  For some reason the Gaystapo is successful in its recruiting efforts while churches all across America remain empty.  

Now some people might say, "Damn Shaq, what business is it of yours what two consenting adults do in the privacy of their own butts?"  You might have had a point before the unrelenting Homo-sexual Lobby turned its attention to one of Conservative Christian America's most beloved institutions.  Yes, even bakeries, once heterosexual bastions of traditional heterosexual Christian American heterosexual masculinity, have yielded to the doughy and glazed Homo-sexual Agenda.  I went to Tastee Donuts the other day and ordered a cream-filled Danish and boy was it not what I expected.  I think my right to not be subjected to slightly homo-sexual pastries far outweighs gay people's right to be treated like actual human beings.  

I don't understand why gay people want to ruin marriage and dessert for all straight people.  Gay wedding cakes will be the downfall of society.  Imagine two men having sex.  Just imagine it.  Now keep on imagining it.  Stay up all night obsessively imagining it.  This is the future our children will inherit thanks to the LIEberals on the Supreme Court.  Now that homo-sexual wedding cakes are taking over our country, what's next?  Queeramisu?  Pineapple upside-down morals cake?  Communion wafers with rainbow sprinkles on them?  I certainly hope not!  Homo-sexuality is the last thing I want to think about while I'm on my knees metaphorically receiving my savior's body in my mouth.  Luckily we have at least one Supreme Court Justice who has the bravery to stand athwart history yelling "STOP! I hatez fagz!!!"  Yup, Antonin Scalia has dedicated his life to making the lives of gay people worse, and for that he deserves our praise.  He is so committed to defending traditional marriage that he's released an R&B album devoted to the cause.  Peep this:

Are you that opposite-gendered somebody?

Heritage not great

What's up y'all?  Y'all heard about this country called MURKA??? It's our birthday today!  Damn we old!!!  Independence Day is the one day of the year where us U.S. Americans unabashedly show our patriotism.  In fact, I am (almost) unironically wearing an American flag do-rag as I type this.  Inevitably, today's proud display of our nation's symbols has gotten me thinking about the proud display of the symbols of another nation, a nation that somehow continues to live in the hearts and minds and presumably other body parts of a significant portion of the American populace, despite not having existed for 150 years.  I'm speaking, of course, about the Confederate States of America.  

A surprisingly large amount of Americans, especially Southerners, still identify with symbols of the Confederacy and cling to them as though trying to remove these symbols from public places is tantamount to trying to remove a vital part of themselves.  The people who argue for the removal of the Confederate battle flag may say: "but getting a boil lanced, or a cancerous polyp removed from your colon, or flushing your system of intestinal parasites is qualitatively different from having a limb or organ amputated for no reason."  But we know of course that this is liberal claptrap.  The Confederate flag is a potent symbol of our Southerness, existing as it did for a whopping total of 4 some odd years out of the 240 some odd years that the South has existed.  But its disproportionate importance among current Confederate enthusiasts is understandable in light of the fact that it was used as the Confederate Navy Jack for 2 whole entire years, was adopted as the Battle Flag of the Army of Northern Virginia (one shudders to think about the potential peak-Confederocity that might have been achieved if only Southern Virginia had also adopted the battle flag), and also flew over exactly zero state capitols during the Civil War.  So it's plain to see why a flag that was so eminent in its own time would be the logical choice to represent the totality of Southern heritage over a century after its heyday.  I'm very much heartbroken that they're trying to take away the most vital piece of our shared Southern culture.  The Confederate battle flag is emblematic of all those quintessentially Southern traits that led the South to so nobly and proudly start the Civil War and then lose it.  

Few people know that Santa was originally headquartered at the South Pole but was forced to free his elves and relocate after losing the War of North Pole Aggression

Now y'all may be thinking to yourselves, “Dayum, Shaq, what do you know about history and politics?  Stick to sports™!!1!”  Well, I’m here to tell you that this issue is very much relevant to sports.  The Atlanta Slaveocrats had to change their name to the Atlanta Braves, but it’s okay for the New York Yankees to exist?  Ole Miss had to retire its Rebel mascot and replace it with a BLACK bear, but it’s okay for the New York Yankees to design their iconic pinstriped uniforms to specifically evoke black-on-white violence?!  Major League Baseball bans black people until the 1940s and it’s a villain, but George Steinbrenner, late owner of the NEW YOK YANKESS bans facial hair and he’s a hero?!!  The liberal media will stop at nothing to demean and belittle Southern heritage while forgiving and even celebrating far worse behavior by its Northern masters.  ESPN has a Red Sox history month, but where’s White Sox history month?  David Ortiz is 3/5ths the player Ron Kittle was, but of course if I say that out loud I’m the one who’s considered a racist.   

AINT NO FEDS GONNA FEED MY KIDS COMMIE CORE! MORON LABE! I'D RATHER BE JUGDED BY TWLEVE THAN CARRY THE ZERO!

For those who say that perhaps a symbol celebrating slavery and treason is not the best thing to display on government buildings or on public roads, well would you have us remove all historical monuments and render future generations historically illiterate?  Newsflash, history matters and it is absolutely imperative for the survival of the republic that we not skimp on teaching ALL OF IT ALL THE TIME EVERYWHERE TO EVERYONE.  Instead of taking down historical symbols, we should be putting more up.  Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, which is why the Louisiana State Capitol has just put up an exhibit commemorating the rise and fall of the Ottoman Empire in its lobby.  The gilded statue of Suleiman the Magnificent is sure to remain a tourist attraction for years to come.  On a more local level, the Jefferson Parish Courthouse recently outfitted its security guards in the traditional attire of the personal Terracotta Army of 3^rd century BCE Chinese emperor, Qin Shi Huang.  Sure, the outfits had to be bought for an exorbitant price from the Beijing Museum of Military Uniforms, but no price is too great when it comes to teaching our children about history.  Meanwhile, the U.S. Capitol, which has been under construction for what seems like forever, has finally unveiled what all the construction was about.  Turns out that they’re replacing the entire dome with a life sized mise-en-scene of Hannibal crossing the Alps. 

New Orleans mayor Mitch Landrieu has promised that he will, in a compromise designed to appease those who oppose taking down Robert E. Lee’s statue at Lee Circle, tear down the Superdome instead and install an even bigger circle dedicated to the heroes of the War of Jenkins’ Ear, which as we all know took place from 1739-1748 and resulted in the loss of Jenkins’ ear, a loss from which Britain has never truly recovered.  I fear our nation would be doomed if future generations of American kids forgot about the War of Jenkins’ Ear and the lessons it can teach us about proper ear security.   

SEROUSLY SOMEONW HELP ME OUT HERe oh never mind

For some reason the Confederacy always gets the short end of the historical commemoration stick.  I just recently found out that Jefferson Parish was named after Thomas Jefferson and not Jefferson Davis.  Imagine my distress and disillusionment upon realizing that the parish I grew up in and had thought was named after a racist slave-owning piece of shit was instead named after a different racist slave-owning piece of shit.  I tell ya, the Confederacy gets no respect.  I think we should remedy this by creating monuments to commemorate all Confederate victories, from the well-known ones like the Battle of Manassas and the Battle of Chancellorsville to the ones that have already been forgotten, like the Siege of Tupelo, the Battle of Possum Spring, the Quarrel at Donaldsonville, the Battle of Munson’s Barn, the Altercation Down Beulah Street, Old Jack’s Misunderstanding, and the Incident What Happened Yonder Mill Creek Way. 

Maybe it’s the handful of psychedelic drugs I recently ingested talking, but I’ve always thought it interesting that the Confederate battle flag has an 'X' on it, as 'X' is the universal symbol for closing a window on your computer, but when God closes a door, he opens a window, presumably so you can jump out of it, or maybe it’s just to air out the room because He farted, either way my point is that maybe this is like that but in reverse, like maybe God is closing this window so he can open a door, in this case he’s closing the window on slavery, treason, and getting your pathetic asses kicked in a war but luckily he’s opening the door on other things the South holds dear, like diabetes, mosquito-borne illnesses, and illiteracy.  No one can take those things away from us!  What’s the stupid old saying?  American by birth, Southern due to lack of upward socioeconomic mobility by the grace of God.  So cheer up, fellow Southerners/Confederazis, there is a silver lining to our grey uniforms!

Finally, a states' rights symbol everyone can agree on