L-R: Aspamitres, Aspartame, Xerxes. Not pictured: rain. |
This is the personal blog of Shaquille O'Neal. All opinions expressed herein are solely my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the NBA. Excuse my French everybody in America
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Semper Dry: UPDATE!!!
Aww sheeeeit y'all!!! Turns out Obama isn't the only one who was once mired in an umbrella-related scandal! That Persian dude Xerxes way back in the BC times was caught using his top-ranking palace eunuchs, Aspamitres and Aspartame, as umbrella attendants. This foolishly arrogant act outraged Xerxes' subjects and in short time he was assassinated by Artabanus in 465 BC. Obama is usually quick to learn from history so I'm surprised that he wasn't smart enough to not copy Xeroxes' folly.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Semper Dry
Damn y’all heard of this outrage
about Obama having a Marine hold an umbrella over his head during an outdoors
press conference with the Prime Minister of Turkey? First of all it seems impolite to refer to an
entire country as a ‘Turkey’ but then Lebron reminded me that the Ottoman Empire
lost World War I so as part of its punishment it must’ve had to rename
itself. Anyway, idiotic conservatives are all like "why
can’t the man hold his own damn umbrella?"
But I think these people are missing the larger point. Don’t get me wrong, I do sympathize with
those who feel that people should hold their own umbrellas. I myself, as a 7’2” black man, have found it
near impossible to find a sufficiently tall and unracist umbrella
attendant. This forces me to take care
of all my umbrella-related program activities myself, but come on people, Obama
is the President of the United States! I also mow my own lawn and clip my own
toenails (though rarely at the same time), but do we really expect the POTUS to
do such menial tasks himself? And why do
people care so much that it’s a Marine?
The Secret Service does all the President’s laundry, reads him his
bedtime stories, and packs him his Lunchables, but I don’t hear anyone complain
about that.
Just imagine if the Obamas laid
off all their staff and started doing simple everyday tasks for themselves, the
unemployment rate would skyrocket! The
head umbrella dude over at the Marines has a family to feed just like you or
me. He gets laid off, and his little
girl can’t go to college. Is that what
you monsters want? He went to umbrella
college for 4 years just to get laid off during a recession so the White House
could save a few bucks? HAIL NO. He served his country nobly and protected his President from the rain, and now you want to leave him
out in the rain? I DON’T THINK SNOW. I AIN’T DOWN WET THAT. In the olden days a man and his umbrella
jockey had a special relationship, almost like bloodbrothers. They say blood is thicker than water, but
nothing is thicker than rain. Ponder
that. Most Americans hold their own
umbrellas nowadays which may seem like a good thing, but that’s a lot of former
umbrella attendants out of a job. New
Jersey is the only state that has a law against self-serve umbrella use. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that New Jersey
also happens to be the most beautiful, prosperous, and happy state. And anyway, every American President has had
his own umbrella attendant ever since an un-umbrella’d William Henry Harrison
caught a fatal case of the pneumonias during his Inaugural Address. It’s an American tradition, just like
baseball, apple pies, and wars in Iraq.
Think about what happened to the last U.S. president who foolishly decided to defy proper parasol protocol.
Never forget. |
Even though George
W. Bush presided over America’s halcyon days, and while history will surely
remember him as the dignified, principled, capable leader he was, many
misguided partisans stubbornly continue to define him by his sole mistake. In case you don’t remember, in early 2005, in
a rare departure from his usual practice of moderation and judiciousness,
George W. Bush insisted on holding his own umbrella. This bold demonstration of American strength was
designed to strike fear into the hearts of Islamic terrorists, but it sadly ended
in disaster. The operation proved to be
too ambitious, too complex, too demanding for one man to tackle, and thus had to
be abandoned halfway through. The
mission left unaccomplished, an entire nation gasped in horror. Though this was the one and only blemish on
W’s legacy, a solitary turd floating along a vast tranquil pool of immaculate
chlorinated glory, his reputation never really recovered.
It's almost as though he's not that bright or something. |
Umbrellagate is just proof that
Obama has learned from his predecessor’s mistake, like Dubya himself who learned
from Bill Clinton that one should never use an intern’s vagina as a humidor,
and Clinton who in turn learned from Bush Sr. that Japanese ambassadors,
contrary to certain videos you can find on the internet, do not enjoy being
vomited on.
Mission accomplished. |
Friday, May 10, 2013
Nate Robinson comes out as first openly short player in NBA history
CHICAGO (AP) -- In a move sure to shock NBA
fans the world over, an emotional Chicago Bulls guard Nate Robinson revealed that
he is, and has been his whole life, short.
“I’m like 5’6’’, 5’7’’ tops,” Robinson tearfully admitted to a group of
astonished reporters who had gathered near his locker Thursday afternoon. “This has been eating me up inside for so
long. I knew it was time to be a man and
stop living a lie.” Asked when he
first realized the truth about his condition, Robinson stated he had long
suspected it but had hoped that it was “a phase [he] would grow out of.” “I had my suspicions since I was a kid,
looking at all the other kids, wondering why I was so different from them. No one ever understood me. Like literally, everyone stood over me
because I was so much shorter than them.
Everyone looked down on me. Like
literally, they had to look down to make eye contact while talking to me, I was
so much shorter than them. At sleepovers
my friends would all hang out in the pillow fort, while I’d be in the
closet. Like literally, I slept in the
closet. I was short enough to do so.”
In an exclusive interview with Proceedings of the National Institute of Basketball,
Robinson divulged more details. In late
August of last year, despondent from the stress of living a lie, a desperate Robinson attempted suicide. “I tried to hang myself from a ceiling fan,
but I couldn’t reach it,” Robinson candidly recounted. “Then I tried to jump off a bridge, but I
couldn’t clear the guardrail. Then I
stood on the El tracks hoping to get run over, but the train just whizzed by right
over my head.” The new relaxed,
unburdened Robinson can see the silver lining in his suicidal predicament. “[The train] did give me a free buzzcut, so I
guess God really does have a plan for each one of us.” Though life is often difficult, Robinson has developed ingenious ways to cope
with his disability. He shared his
predicament with Chicago celebrity meteorologist Tom Skilling, who developed a
state of the art device to inform Robinson of the weather. Gushed Robinson, “I’m no longer the last to know when it’s
raining, and that’s a big deal for me.”
Robinson
expressed hope that his confession would not pose a distraction as his Bulls
team finds itself in the middle of a grueling playoff series against the defending
champion Miami Heat. “I know my boys in
this locker room, on this team, we’re tight.
They got my back.” “We love Nate,
we know he’s so much more than just his height,” offered Bulls teammate Joakim
Noah. “He’s also his weight, speed, and
jumping ability.” Bulls coach Tom
Thibodeau was supportive of his diminutive point guard. “I think it’s great he came out. The younger kids, this new generation,
they’re a lot more open to these things.
And don’t get me wrong, I think that’s a great thing. A great thing.” Injured point guard Kirk Heinrich agreed. “I don’t care if a teammate’s tall, short,
white, black, green, [or] Jewish. The
only concern is ‘can he play?’ And Nate
can play at times.”
Robinson’s
travails have hit home with fellow Bulls guard Jimmy Butler. “I don’t tell people this usually, but Nate
gave me the courage. My dad was
short. Growing up, I really didn’t have
any idea. I didn’t even know what that
meant. But later my mom figured it out
and they got divorced. I didn’t have
hardly any contact with him because [the divorce court judge] said that no
short man could be a good father.” Robinson’s
brave admission comes at a time of increasing acceptance of short people. “Nowadays a short person can walk down the
street and no one bats an eye. Some of
my best friends are short. Hell, my baby
daughter is short, but I love her all the same,” stated Bulls forward Carlos
Boozer, who signed with the Bulls two years ago after many seasons playing for
the Utah Jazz. “In Salt Lake, Nate
would’ve been hassled. They don’t take
kindly to his type there. The Mormon
Church still considers shortness to be a sign of God’s disfavor. So I’ve seen firsthand how hard it can be for
people like Nate to feel welcome in society.”
Bulls small forward and native of Sudan Luol Deng, who has been hospitalized all week due to complications
stemming from meningitis and a botched spinal tap, expressed pride in
Robinson’s announcement. “I come from a
war torn country and almost died last week.
But when I see what Nate has been able to overcome, it makes me realize
just how lucky I am. He motivated me to
play through the pain. I knew I had to
fight and represent my team. I knew I
couldn’t let Nate down.” Bulls star Derrick
Rose was unavailable for comment, as he bit his tongue five weeks ago and his
personal doctor had yet to clear his mouth for speech.
They call it the playoffs. Perhaps it’s because, with the stakes so
high, you can’t afford to take a play off.
Robinson understands this, and doesn’t shrink away from the
pressure. He has come up huge for the
Bulls even while being under the microscope on this, the NBA’s biggest
stage. “The way I look at it is, you
can’t spell ‘disability’ without ‘ability’”, Robinson astutely observes. “The Chinese use the same character for
‘short’ as they do for ‘opportunity’.
It’s a blessing in disguise. Only
through adversity can we ever improve. Yeah,
so I’m short, so what? Life is short.” Short in stature but a giant of a competitor,
Robinson is living proof that sometimes the best things do come in small packages. Can Robinson lead his beleaguered Bulls to an
upset series win against the Heat? It
would certainly be a tall order, but I for one am
not about to sell him short.
Rick Reilly
contributed to this article.
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
Ball is life
Aw man y’all heard about this gay dude was playing in the
NBA all this time and he didn’t even tell anyone about it until just now? That dude Jason Collins has come out of the
closet. He’s easily one of the tallest
gays of all time. And certainly he’s the
best gay center in NBA history. Seeing
as how I’m the best straight center in NBA history, my fans have been hounding
me to share my take on Collins’ announcement.
Of course I’m proud of Collins and impressed with his honesty and
courage. This is the most momentous event
in the NBA since Oliver Miller came out as the first openly fat player (prior
to Miller’s emotional 1995 press conference people had just assumed he was 2
moderately sized small forwards).
Throughout
the U.S. millions of people, even those with no previous interest in
basketball, have been remarking on the significance of Collins’ revelation,
and rightfully so. Jason Collins is now
a trailblazer. Well, not a Trailblazer,
he’s still a free agent although I’m sure he’d sign with Portland if they want
him, but why would they with J.J. Hickson and an up-and-coming Meyers Leonard
already on their roster? But anyway, you
know what I mean. Collins has placed
himself at the vanguard of the gay rights movement, a beacon of hope to
extremely tall gay children everywhere.
He is now a civil rights icon, with an impact that will echo throughout
history.
I just hope that Collins’
newfound fame doesn’t overshadow the contributions of the civil rights pioneers
who came before him. People often forget
that basketball, having been invented at a YMCA in Massachusetts, used to be an
exclusively homosexual sport. Teams of
sweaty men wearing color-coordinated outfits consisting of sleeveless shirts
and shorts as tight as saran wrap, running up and down the court whilst showing
off their ball-handling skills. It truly
was a sport for men. Men’s men, if you
know what I mean (I mean homosexuals). It
wasn’t until 1956 that Jiminy Carbunkle became the first heterosexual allowed
to play in the NBA. Controversy and conflict
ensued. Teammate Fat "Sweetwater" Lipton refused to take the court alongside Carbunkle. Carbunkle was inundated with
hate mail laced with such devastating insults as “woman lover,” “breeder,”
“lady toucher,” and “breast enjoyer.” On
one infamous road trip through the Midwest, fans in Fort Wayne, Indiana
tormented him by throwing novelty rubber vaginas at him during the pre-game
introductions. Things got even worse in St. Louis, where a group of heterophobic pastors demanded that Carbunkle
undergo aversion therapy to cure him of his heterosexual affliction. It was only St. Louis star power forward
Lavender Dempsey’s timely intervention that convinced the enraged crowd of
straight-hating Baptists to let Carbunkle go safely back to his hotel room. The press, as insatiable in its need to stir
up gossip then as it is now, relentlessly hounded Carbunkle about his love life. For his family’s protection, he had to hide
the true nature of his relationship with his wife and child when they joined
him on the road. When asked, he would
claim that his wife was actually his personal trainer and his 9 year old son
was actually his dwarf valet. Teammates
“Jumpin” Whit Hogarth and Bruce Pepperton selflessly volunteered to convey the
appearance that the trio was involved in a passionate, satisfying, and depraved
polyamorous relationship to throw people off the scent of Carbunkle’s
heterosexuality, but Carbunkle nobly refused to live a lie. His career would suffer greatly for his
integrity.
In the late 1950s there was
a pernicious yet regrettably widespread belief that the sweat of heterosexuals
caused gay people to develop cancer. Carbunkle
was forced to play wearing a full body wetsuit lest he sweat his fellow players
into an early grave. The bulkiness of
the suit severely hindered Carbunkle’s usefulness on the court and his career
prematurely fizzled out. His last
appearance was Game 6 of the 1963 NBA Finals in which he played 2 minutes,
amassing 0 points, 0 assists, and 2 death threats. The next year a team of nuclear physicists at
MIT demonstrated that the perspiration of heterosexual humans was harmless to
gay mice. After a decade of trials on
humans, the destructive rumor was finally put to rest, much too late to help
out Carbunkle.
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