Shaqenstein

Yo, sorry I haven't been posting often lately, but I've been down in the dumps because my Suns aren't in the NBA playoffs this year. That's what you get when you have a white point guard, I guess. Plus my schedule is hectic lately, what with my being handcuffed to Ben Stein and all. I shoulda read the fine print on the Comcast contract more closely, cuz it turns out that me and Ben gotta be stuck together for the next 12 months. Turns out even NBA legends and crazy supply-side economists can get screwed by Comcast. At first I wasn't too concerned with the arrangement, since I saw that Ben Stein dude on Ferris Bueller's Day Off, which is one of my favorite movies (that I haven't starred in). I like the part when he says "Bueller" a bunch of times but Bueller totes isn't there, and his sister is in the principal's office and she's like totes dirty dancing. Plus Ben Stein was also Kevin Arnold's favorite teacher in The Wonder Years before they killed him off. But most of all I like Ben Stein for his endorsement of Visine, which is a product that almost every member of the Portland Trailblazers uses.

Super Bowl XLIIILOL

Say y'all heard of the National Football League's championship game? And shoes? Well, turns out that the Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers played in the Super Bowl the other day. Faithful readers of this here blog will recall that I love me some New Orleans Saints, but as they didn't even make the playoffs I had to adopt the Cardinals as my team since they too have a religious mascot (this is the reason why my favorite NHL team is the Toronto Maple Popes). Unfortunately my team lost as San Antonio Holmes made an amazing touchdown catch in the waning seconds of the game. That was the second best catch I have ever seen in a Super Bowl (first place of course belongs to David Tyree's helmet).

What most people don't realize is that Holmes' Super Bowl-winning catch wasn't even his most notable reception of this season. I'm sure most of y'all have heard of that reporter dude in the Iraq who done threw his shoes at our Presdident Bush in December. Being that the reporter was Muslamic, the shoes almost certainly contained explosives of some sort, probably TNT hidden in the sole. Or at least some kind of biological or chemical agent, like maybe the aglets were laced with cyanide (was that a pun?!? sorry). It goes without saying, but needs to be typed, that had the shoe hit Dubbs we'd be looking at another 9/11 type situation. In the Arab world, hitting someone with a shoe is the ultimate insult (worse than flying a plane at someone). This may be hard for us Westerners to fathom, as having shoes thrown at you is considered high praise over here. Oh well. What're you gonna do about the crazy cultural norms of those inscrutable Arabs? Here is a story:

The Muslim reporter took his place at the press conference, attempting to maintain composure as he listened to the inane ramblings of the American president. Though he appeared calm, in his Muslim soul a toxic mixture of resentment, inarticulate rage, and desire for vengeance simmered, gaining steam with every flippant platitude offered and simpering smirk cast by the President. He Islamically wondered to himself, "How can this man be so utterly devoid of remorse? Is he that callous? Or just oblivious? Surely he cannot be so evil?"

Soon his thoughts turned to his fellow journalists. Being Arab, he first looked to his right, then his left. In his Islamic peers' eyes he could discern no spark of critical thought, no twinkle of engagement with the noxious ideas emanating from the President's mouth. Had years of violence inured them to the atrocities committed daily at the President's behest? Had their instinct for self-preservation made them incapable of exhibiting the courage required to overthrow the status quo and move towards justice? Had their tightly-wound head towels restricted blood flow to their Mohammedan brains, thereby overwhelming their ability to yearn for peace? Islam islam muslim arab?

Whatever the reason, the Islamical journalist knew that the President's nefarious designs would find no resistance from the benumbed zombies that surrounded him. The onus of confronting the POTUS would be his alone. Rarely, and as of late exceedingly so, history provides great challenges, perfect moments for a lone intrepid soul to commit heroic deeds and etch his (or her, but let's be realistic, it's usually his, right? Eh? Crickets?) name onto the cosmic Stanley Cup of eternity. This was the Mohammedan journalist's moment. Exactly why fair and noble History, in Her boundless grace and munificence, agreed to bless this Qurany Quaraner with such an opportunity may never be known, but aforementioned Islamic Quraning Muslamateer knew exactly what destiny required him to do. He did what every great hero since time immemorial has done: he took off his shoes.

With his Muslim heart full of fury (the fury too was probably of an Islamic variety), the Islamite reporter hurled his shoes, one after the other, towards the podium. Like two hijacked airplanes, the Muslim shoes charted a course directly for the President. Time slowed down. Impact seemed imminent. The waxwing of liberty and freedom was a hair's breadth from being slain by the false Islamic azure of the terrorist windowpane. The fate of Western civilization hung in the balance. What was the point of this story? Oh yeah, but then Santonio Claus came along out of nowhere and saved the day, America won the Superbowl, that Iraqi journalist dude was signed to be the New York Jets' new quarterback, the dish ran off with the spoon, and everyone lived happily ever after. Except for the fork, who was so distraught at the spoon's infidelity that she jumped off the kitchen counter. She was survived by a lovely three year old spork and a teenage carrot peeler from a previous marriage. This is why gays shouldn't be allowed to cook. QED.


If Jason David were involved this would've somehow led to WWIII

TNT: We Know Obama

Say y'all heard of this thing called America??? That country got itself a new president this past Monday! The Suns were in Boston since we had a game against the Celtics that night, but thankfully Coach Porter didn't schedule practice that day so we were all able to watch the Inauguration. I usually get all my news from FOX news since they have my two favorite shows, Your Baby Can Read! and The O'Reilly Factory. However, since some of the players on the Suns are patriots while the others are pinheads, we couldn't watch any of the partisan networks, as such an arrangement would be most discommodious (thanks, Factor Word of the Day!) and pestiferous (look at me go!). We arrived at a compromise of watching the Inauguration festivities on TNT. I must say, the crew of Inside the NBA did a surprisingly good job:


Notice the lack of an American flag pin on his lapel...

DAVID STERN: With the first pick in the 2009 Presidential Draft, the United States of America selects (fumbles around with the envelope for a few seconds)... 6'1'' junior Senator from Illinois, Barack Hussein Obama!
ERNIE JOHNSON: Oh wow, what a shocker! Many experts thought that Obama made a mistake when he declared for the draft early.
CHARLES BARKLEY: I don't care what people think. People are stupid.
KENNY SMITH: Well, I for one didn't have him being drafted this early. I thought he should've gone back to the Senate for at least one more term to help hone his point guard skills.
CHARLES BARKLEY: That's wronger than ketchup on pancakes.
ERNIE JOHNSON: (ignoring Sir Charles) Many owners were also reluctant to draft him due to concerns that he would not be eligible to play immediately, as he was rumored to still be under contract with his Muslim Kenyan overlords.
KENNY SMITH: His strong showing at the pre-draft workouts probably made a lot of difference--
CHARLES BARKLEY: Where can a brother get a drink around here?
ERNIE JOHNSON: Well, um... Craig Sager is courtside with the new President. Let's go to Craig.
CRAIG SAGER: Thanks, Ernie. First of all, congratulations to you, President Obama. How do you feel on this historic occasion?
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: It's a dream come true. To be the first Harvard Law graduate to ever stand on that stage and shake Commissioner Stern's hand, it's pretty humbling.
CRAIG SAGER: The nation is still trying to recover from Isiah Thomas's disastrous signing of George W. Bush to an 8-year, $4 trillion contract. It may be years before we're finally under the salary cap. How do you assess your chances of leading America to a long-awaited championship?
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: I just want to get America back in the playoffs, were we belong.
CRAIG SAGER: Best of luck to you, Mr. President.
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: Shukran.
CRAIG SAGER: Que?
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: I mean thanks.
CRAIG SAGER: Oh, you're welcome.
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: Allahu akbar.
ERNIE JOHNSON: Great interview as always Craig. We now turn to--
CHARLES BARKLEY: I ain't never seen cranberry juice without vodka in it! Hey Craig, ask Obama if he's ever seen cranberry juice without vodka in it!
ERNIE JOHNSON: Sorry, Charles, I think the interview is already over.
CHARLES BARKLEY: Now why the hell would I know that?
KENNY SMITH: (trying to change the subject) President Obama has his work cut out for him. Diaper-wearing Senator David Vitter (R-LA) just voted against his Secretary of State nominee Hillary Clinton, Yao Ming has a sore right knee, and perhaps worst of all, the Portland Trailblazers have threatened to fillibuster the confirmation of Darius Miles, his choice for new Drug Czar.
CHARLES BARKLEY: Where can a brother get a car, preferably a black Infiniti SUV, around here?
ERNIE JOHNSON: Charles, have you been drinking?
CHARLES BARKLEY: Hey Craig, ask Osama iffy nose where a brother get a blow job rounddeer!

That's when Coach Porter made us turn the TV off.

Happy 2009

Say y'all heard of this thing called the Gregorian calendar? That's the calendar what Pope Gregory House bullied people into using back in Renaissance times, so now we be using that shit to remind us when to pay rent. But that ain't all, that dude's invention also informs us as to when one year ends and the next one begins. The day when this event occurs is known as "New Year's Day". That shit just happened again a little while ago. I was taken by surprise, as it seems like only a year ago I was snorting Nestle's Crunch off a stripper's thigh in honor of New Year's 2008. But anyway, what did y'all do to commemorate the arrival of 2009? I went to visit my alma mater in Baton Rouge, which is French for "red baton". There was a party at this dude's place where some idiots set up a homemade beer pong table that was painted blue with two Stars of David stenciled in, in honor of Hanukkah or the bombing of Gaza I suppose. All the people there were of normal stature so I towered over them, Gulliver to their Lilliputians, Goliath to their David, Manute Bol to their Spud Webb, neutron to their electron, etc etc etc. What I'm trying to say is that I am quite tall, much taller in fact than most people who do not make their living playing professional basketball. So anyway, me trying to throw a ping pong ball into a Solo cup is like a normal person trying to throw a peppercorn into a thimble, and if you really think about it why would anyone want to throw a peppercorn into a thimble, especially if you don't like peppercorn or are perhaps allergic to it, which I'm not, but what if you're cooking for a dinner party and one of the guests is? Then you have a lawsuit on your hands and a dead acquantaince on your floor. To get back to the point, I actually like pepper a lot and sprinkle it frequently on a variety of things, such as omelets, soups, chowders, pastas, Nestle's Crunch, Chattam's Icy-Hot pain relief sleeves, and of course, freedom fries. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, thimbles. Why aren't they called "thumbles"?

Juneau

Aww shit y'all!!! Y'all heard of this thing called teenage pregnancy?? Man it turns out that the 17 year old daughter of Peggy Palin is pregnant, and she ain't even married, yo!!! Man that reminds me of that movie I saw last year, Juneau, which was about this teenage girl in Alaska who helped herself to George Michael Bluth's frozen banana and got pregnant. Palin's daughter must've seen that movie and decided to emulate it. Man I tell y'all, no one is safe from the pernicious influence of Hollyweird's moral bankruptcy. So the Palins are saying that Bristol (that's the daugher's name) will keep the baby, but I have my doubts about that. Since she seems to take her cues from Hollywood movies, I expect she'll wind up giving her baby up for adoption just like that girl in Juneau. But luckily for her, the McCains have a history of adopting babyfolk, so I bet they'll adopt Bristol's baby and everything will be alright.

UPDATE: I just fount out that Bristol's siblings' names are Willow, Piper, Track, and Trig. WHAT A WEIRD FAMILY!!! So what does y'all think Bristol and Levi will name their kid? I've narrowed the choices down to: 1) Cedar; 2) Pikachu; 3) Frick; 4) Frak; 5) Krang; 6) Charmander; and 7) Levi Jr.

King of the Hill

Damn y'all heard of this thing called representative democracy??? That's the type of gubmint what we have here in the U.S. of A. This past week the Democrates done had their convention in Denver. My boy Barack H. Obama made himself one hell of a speech last night. Up in Chicago, where I spend my offseasons, O-Bomb's speech was the talk of the town. His inspirational life story is proof that a Harvard Law graduate can grow up to be a viable Presidential candidate, no matter how half-black he may be. I think I'ma vote for tha O-Bomb solely because he likes basketball and I've heard from various inside sources that if elected, he'll give me an important job at the Department of the Interior as Secretary of the Paint. But shit, Obama's got his work cut out for him since that old Republicanese dude John McCain be running neck and neck with him in the polls. Plus McCain managed to defuse some of the momentum Obama gained from his speech last night by finally announcing his running mate today. And what a surprise it was. I don't even know who Sarah Palin is. All I know is that she's a woman and she's from Alaska (which I didn't even know was a state until today. Apparently it's really big too). That's some crazy shit, having a Presidential candidate from Hawai'i and a VP candidate from Alaska. Man whatever happened to good old continental American values such as coterminosity and contiguousness? Anyways, the McCain-Palin ticket is sure to go over well with animated residents of Arlen, Texas.




"I killed fitty men in WW2!!!"

The Sun is the source of all Heat

Damn y'all heard of this thing called the Sun? I just got traded to that team down in Phoenix!!! How about that shit??? Yass indeed!!! Man I'ma miss Coach Pat and ma boy Dwyane, but seriously y'all, this year's Miami Heat sucked. I'm glad I get the chance to play for a contender. Now I'll have a chance to get a 5th championship ring, which is cool since that's the number of fingers I have on each hand. Holla!!! I was thinking about discontinuing this blog since it's called "Heatblog" and starting a new one called "Sunblog", but then I remembered that the Sun is the source of all heat in this here planet called Urf, so what the hell. Plus I'm too lazy. I may not update this blog for a while, though, since I'm not sure if they got the intronets down in Mexico.

MARDI GRAS YOU ALL!!!

Yo wussup mon peopleses??? Y'all heard of this here holiday called the Mardi Gras??? I think that's French for "Super Tuesday". Anyway that's the holiday where we get to vote on who runs for predident later this year. All the candidates try to attract voters by throwing doubloons, beads, and other assorted cheap plastic trinkets into the crowd. So which krewe is y'all gonna vote for? I always liked the Krewe of Bacchus, but I think it would make a better vice-president so I ain't gonna vote for it. I was thinking of voting for the Krewe of Zeus but then I saw those incriminating photos of what it was doing with the Krewe of Little Rascals. That shit was sick. Some pundits on the TV been saying that the Krewe of Isis finnuh win, since it's about time that this country welcomes an all-female krewe. But my candidate of choice is still the Krewe of Zulu. I don't really care one way or another, just as long as the tyrannical rule of Rex is ended.

Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail trying to get beads, I mean votes.

Sore Hip

Damn Chad y'all heard of this national basketball association of America known as the NBA??? The team I play for, the Miami Heat, currently has a record of 9-33. That's 9 wins and 33 losses. A winning percentage of .214. We're 17 games out of first place. Plus I got an injured hip which will keep me out of the lineup for 2 weeks. Man our chances of making the playoffs are pretty much dead. You might as well call us the Miami Heath. Oh! Too soon??

Le Football Americain

Dude y'all heard of this thing known as the NFL??? Them fools be playing themselves a Super Bowl soon. I would be paying more attention to the NFL playoffs if the Saints were in it. The fact that they missed the playoffs this year is some straight booty. I blame the liberal media and their anti-Christianity bias. Can't let a team named the Saints have any success, but a team with a blatantly homosexual name like the Packers made it all the way to the NFC championship game. That shit is so rigged, like when the Patriots won the Super Bowl right after the 9/11, and when Bin Laden released his new video a few months later it contained footage of St. Louis Rams practices that he accidentally forgot to erase. But watch, necks year them Saints is gonna go 19-0 and win the Super Bowl. Pierre Thomas is gonna rush for 2,000 yards (no more, no less) and Reggie Bush is gonna be on the team too and what not.

More evidence of the liberal sportsmedia's anti-Christianity bias can be found via this link, which for realsies horrified and disgusted me. Dana Jacobson, an ESPN anchorwoman, said "Fuck Jesus" at a celebrity roast for fellow ESPNers Mike & Mike. Understandably, people are very upset with her, but I think her critics fail to see the larger problem. While the Jesus bashing bothers me, the cannibalism inherent in the concept of a celebrity roast bothers me a lot more. I know celebrities taste better than normal people but still cannibalism is illegal I'm pretty sure. But I guess if you're going to cook celebrities, it might as well be Mike & Mike. That one Mike dude looks like he could feed the entire Patriots offensive line.

11 O'Clock Politics Talk

Say y'all heard of this thing called politics??? Them folk in Iowa done had their caucus the other day. I know summa y'all immature peoples might snicker at the word 'caucus', but please people, grow up. The etymology of that word has nothing to do with what y'all think it does. In fact, the term 'caucus' derives from the fact that only the votes of Caucasians actually count in our electoral system. So now that I've cleared up that source of confusion, allow me to move on to my analysis. I know that summa y'all immature peoples might snicker at the word 'analysis', but please people...oh never mind.

It was kind of surprising to see Chirac Hussein Osama win the Democratic caucus, seeing as how he's not really white or anything. But I guess the Democrats just love his name. Also it was cool how at his victory speech he took the mic and started rapping: I'm winnin' caucuses/ just like Mike Dukakis/ in a pair of moccasins/ see y'all in Washington/ in that District of Columbia/ replace that shortsighted Double-yuh/ cuz I sees farther than Hubble, uhh!/ got more beats than Steven/ gonna be a change y'all can believe in/ finnuh be a president who ends the tax breaks for companies that ship our jobs overseas/ finnuh put a middle-class tax cut into the pockets of working Americans who deserve it and improve access to health-care and end the war in Iraq and bring the troops home. Hmm just noticed that last part doesn't really flow that well. Still, it was pretty good for something extemporaneously delivered by someone who was likely on crack at the time.

Also suprising was Mike Huckabee winning the Republican caucus. I don't think America is ready for a bass-playing president. Brass instruments such as Clinton's saxomaphone are fine, but it'll take another generation before stringed instruments are accepted. Also, dude is crazy and he wanted to quarantine people who have AIDS. He has a better chance of residing in the Canadian National Igloo than the White House.

Does y'all think the results of the Iowa cactus are a good predictor of which candidates wind up making it to the general election? It would be cool if Obama and Huckabee face off in the end, especially if the rumor is true and Obama winds up choosing me as his running mate. If he doesn't, I think I'ma vote for Ron Paul. I don't know anything about his platform, but his kid is tearing up the NBA.

UPDATE: Apparently, there's a 'New' Hampshire now, and them folks done had their primary today. In the Republican primary Mike Huxtable came in third while John McWayne won. I wonder what instrument he plays. Also, that dude Obama lost to a girl! HA HA!!!

LSU + BCS = BFF!

Man y'all seen how my alma mater done won the BCS Championship game? Awww jeeeeahhh!!! I knew this was gonna be hilarious from the opening coin toss when the ref said "LSU is the visiting team, they get to call it in the air." Yup, the team travelling 70 miles that also has a significant amount of alumni who live in the city the game is being played in should definitely be considered the visiting team, while the team that has to travel 900+ miles should be named the home team. That makes sense. Not that I can complain.

Man I was skurred when that dude Beanie Wells had that long touchdown run early in the game, but that just reminded me of that playoff game my Heat had in 2006 when the Bulls dominated the early going and shut us down while jumping out to a 2-0 lead. We didn't let that get us flustered though, and we wound up coming back to win by fourteen, 92-78. Booyah in ya face, Luke Schenscher!

But shit, y'all seen how they showed EJ's stadium on tha television screen?? That shit was kewl. But the announcer dude called it "John Yenni" stadium when first of all, it's "Joe," not "John," and most importantly, they forgot his middle initial, which makes the proper name "Joseph Schieste Yenni" stadium. Geez.

UPDATE: Les Miles just called LSU "a great place to get an education." WOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!!

Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup

What up you all?!?! Y'all heard of this thing called blogging? I been taking some time off from that but now that Sir Fatty is back in the saddle, I figured I may as well revive my blog as well. When at the buffet, eat as the fatties do. And anyway, now that my Heat are basically the worst team in the NBA, I'ma be on auto-pilot the rest of the season so I'll be able to blog mo'.

I know my devoted fans is wondering what I've been up to lately, so here goes. Miami has been depressing with all the losing and all, so for New Year's I went to my old stomping grounds of Baton Rouge. That's French for 'Red Baton.' There was a partee at Leno's where we played up on some beer pong. I shoot ping pong balls about as well as I shoot free throws, so my team lost a bunch. Kinda like the the Heat.

Also there was a wedding in NOLA that I went to. Dikembe Mutombo didn't crash it, so that was cool. Speaking of weddings and Dikembe Mutombo, y'all heard how the Saints tanked down the stretch and wound up missing the playoffs at 7-9? Man I just might quit basketball and suit up as a cornerback for the Saints. I'm prolly 2 or 3 feet taller than Jason David.

Thanksgiving

Shit y'all, I'm sorry I ain't been posting much lately, but this here divorce I been going through has taken up most of my time. There's also this thing called basketball that I've also been busy with lately.

But shit y'all heard of that thing known as the Thanksgiving???? Man this nation done celebrated that shit last week. Since the divorce ain't no one been cooking for me, so instead of the usual turkey dinner with all the fixins, I had to settle for sitting on the couch eating Nestle's Crunch and saltines. I guess you could say I had more crackers than the Mayflower. Lucky for me they was rerunning Home Alone on the television screen. I love that part when that little dude gets left home alone. That shit cracks me up everytime. What I don't love is the fact that my Heat are in last place right now at 3-10. That shit ain't my fault, though. I'm making over 50% of my three frows. I also don't love how my beloved alma mater Ellis Shoe done lost their chance to win the BCS championship. Man if I had another year of eligibility I totally could've played nose tacke and kept Darren McFadden in check. Irish people can't even play football worth shit anyway. Ain't y'all seen Notre Dame this year?

So anyways what do y'all been thankful for this year? I'm thankful that I live in Miami and not Chicago, which is a shithole.

I need some Icy-Hot for my heart

What up all my illiterate fags?!?!?! How y'all be livin???? Sorry I ain't been posting in a minute or two, but I been busy with some marital woes. Y'all heard of this thing known as the divorce? Me and my wife is about to do that shit right quick. Man she was like my point guard, in life. She would always feed me the rock when I was open in the post, in life. But now I guess I fouled out. Or maybe I got called for travelling, or a 3 second violation. Man these refs don't know shit. They let Erick Dampier hack at me whenever I get the ball in the paint, but if I so much as breathe on Zydrunas Ilgauskas, I get called for a foul. I blame Tim Donaghy. There, I said it. Tim Donaghy, your punk ass just cost me my marriage.

Shaunie, please renew my contract. I know I'm 35 and have a bum knee, but I swear I can still put up 20 and 10 for the next 5 years, at least. CAREER AVERAGE OF 2.5 BLOCKS A GAME, BAYBEE!!! You know I can still bring it. Maybe I didn't do the little things to make our marriage work, like buy you flowers or frequently tell you how much I love you or give you foot massages or practice shooting free throws, but things will be different if you give me another chance, I promise. Baby please take me back. I feel like I just tore my ACL, in life. To ease the pain maybe I'll start scouting some local colleges for a new point guard. I just wish the NBA hadn't recently increased its minimum age to 19. Maybe I'll find someone else after all, but I'd hate to be wearing another team's jersey when I get inducted into the Hall of Fame. I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. Shit this metaphor done got extended more than the deadlines on my term papers back at LSU.

I just hope the kids take it well. Shaquette, Shaquilla, Dayquille, and Karmel, always remember: Daddy and Mommy love you very much and in no way is our impending divorce y'alls fault. Please dig that.

Offseason

Shit y'all heard of this basketball team known as the Chicago Bulls??? Fuck them. Man, can y'all believe that my Heat got swept by those scrubs? They don't even got Michael Jordan or Bill Wennington anymore! Last year we beat them easily, but I guess getting rid of Luke Schenscher turned them into a powerhouse. I'd like to see Luol Deng play a rapping genie in a classic children's movie.

Oh man I was watching the Spurs-Nuggets game and Robert Horry just made another clutch shot. I think that's like the five thousandth of his career. It's uncanny how good he is at making three pointers with the game on the line. I think he's my new favorite player because after he made the shot TNT cut to an interview they had conducted with him earlier where he said something like his secret to making clutch shots is knowing that his friends and family are still going to love him no matter what, even if he misses the big shot. What a complete weirdo. I bet Tim Hardaway is glad he never played with him.

Anyway y'all heard of this thing called the RACISMS??? Man the NBA is full of that shit four eel. They just released this study that said that NBA refs are racist in calling fouls. I bet that's why my Heat lost to the Bulls. Let's see...on my team we got me, and I'm black, ma boy Dwyane is black, Antoine Walker...black, and Udonis Haslem is so black that when he went to night school he was marked absent. Meanwhile, who do the Bulls have on their team? Andres Nocioni...white, Kirk Heinrich...white, Viktor Khryapa is all kinds of white, and Martynas Andriuskevicius is so pale everytime he gets an idea the top of his head gets sunburned.

Some stuff, finally

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately, but I've been really busy with finals. Um, I mean playoffs! NBA playoffs! Definitely not law school finals. But, uh, hopefully we'll win our next few series and eventually reach the Finals like we did last year. Because this is Shaq Daddy posting. Not anyone else.

Anyway, I decided to finally start posting again because everyone's favorite Homosexual Jew, Spencer James, recently updated his blog after an eleven million year hiatus!!! Hooray!!! Just in time for the gayest month of the year, Gay, I mean May. HA HA y'all get that shit??? It rhymes! Just like March is the starchiest month, June is the looniest month, August is the doggest month, and February is the second gayest month. Rhyming is fun! I enjoy it!!!

So over at James Spencer's blog, he wrote a little bit about his thoughts on the whole Virginia Tech massacre. I really don't have anything to add except that I disagree with the point he makes about the irrelevance of Seung Hui-Cho's nationality. I think the fact that he's from South Korea bears mentioning because it definitely affected the aftermath of the massacre. You can tell that a lot of people wanted very badly to use this massacre as an excuse to hate on Koreans, but they couldn't quite commit to it. The pre-existing stereotypes about Koreans just aren't conducive to fostering a climate of reflexive fear-mongering. Dry cleaning, kimchi, good at math & violin, blah blahblah etc... there's not much grist for the paranoid race baiting mill. So hopefully now even the most reactionary xenophobe will step back and admit that ethnicity or citizenship status or religion or any of that superficial census data form shit can't always explain why people do the things they do.

Reading a lot of the crazier right-wing blogs, I noticed a palpable sense of disappointment that Cho wasn't North Korean. You just know that if Hee Seop Choi had been North Korean we would be bombing the shit out of Pyongyang right now. I mean, England and France were embroiled in war for one hundred years just because French paparazzi killed Princess Di. Luckily Joan of Arc punched out some cameraman at Orleans, or else we'd all be speaking English now.

But the best thing for the right-wingers would be if Cho had been Muslamic. Man, can you imagine how awesome that would have been??? Ah well, a man can dream...Hey wait "Korean" is awfully close to "Koran"!!! Is that too tenuous a link? Oh shit I hope Presnident George doesn't read my blog or else we liable to start bombing on that Iranic country. I say we shouldn't stereotype people based on their nation of origin because then shit like this happens. People think just because you're from Iran or Iraq or Pakistan you're a terrorist, when the truth is that the reason you're a terrorist is because you're Muslim. J/k folks, that's what we in the NBA call sarcasm. Chillax. But anyway, I ain't never seen no Eskimo blow shit up with a suicide dogsled bomb. And that's proof of something.

Tim Hardaway doesn't care about gay people

Damn y'all seen what that dude Tim Hardaway said about them homosexual folk? That shit was straight igneous. I say if Derek Jeter can play in the MLB, then ain't nothing wrong with gay folk playing in the NBA. I'm ashamed on behalf of my team. I never thought that a former Miami Heat player could utter such hateful statements. I hope our fans don't get the wrong idea. The Miami Heat actually have a long and proud history of reaching out to the gay community. The scariest part of all this is seeing the latent hate of the average American sports fan be unleashed. Check out the comments to this ESPN article. Freaky, huh?

I don't see why an NBA player would be so adamantly anti- showering with gay males. I mean, shit, all team sports are inherently homoerotic. Damn Tim, I know you wanted to prove that you won't suck up to the homosexual community no matter how hard they try to shove their agenda down your throat, but seriously, get over yourself. You play a sport where teams of men wearing color coordinated outfits spend most of their time dribbling balls. There's even a position called "power forward". Maybe if we let gay men serve on the US national team we might actually beat Lithuania once in a while.

The explosion will be of extraordinary magnitude

Shit y'all, man, fuck. Finally we've recovered from our long national nightmare of terroristical aquateen advertisements. I had to wait a couple of weeks to post anything just in case the internets weren't yet safe again.

So hopefully by now y'all have emerged safely from y'all's bomb shelters. What happened in Boston the other day just goes to show how vulnerable we really are in this post-9/11 world. I knew it was only a matter of time before them Al Qaedans harvested the awesome terroristable potential of magnetic lighted extraterrestial cartoon character advertisements. I always suspected that Ignignokt was a muslamicist since he's green and green is Profit Mohammed's favorite color. I'd like to shake the hand of the hero who alerted the Boston police of the looming danger to our lives and livelihoods and the liveliness of our hoods. I'm pretty sure Osama has something to do with why the Celtics just lost 18 games in a row.

This whole ordeal has taught me to be more vigilant in my everyday life. I just noticed that they got all these blinking lights of various colors placed at regular intervals all over Miami. It's out of hand, almost like every block or something. Looking back, I seem to recall that they had those very same kinds of lights in Baton Rouge, Orlando, and Los Angeles. The terroristical threat is nationwide, I fear. We must put an end to it before it puts an end to us.

We smoke as we shoot the bird!

New Orleans Saints Number One on the Field

Awww jeeeaahhhh say y'all heard of these New Orleans Saints?!?!?!? The Saints comin' back, Tom Benson where you at?? We just beat the Philadeplia Eagles and now we finnuh go to the NFC Championship Game for the first time ever! That game was close but y'all saw that tackle Scott Fajita made on 3rd and 1??? CHARLES GRANT A MONSTER HOW HE BUST THROUGH THE LINE!!! The best team in the league, what you know about that??? Super Bowl Bound!

Man I remember when I was in college in Louisiana in the early 90s even if we were lucky enough to make the playoffs we would lose in the first round every time. Not no more. Dynasty, you all, and you heard it here first. So anyway, who does y'all think will win this week's game? HA HA just kidding that was a rhetorical question. Tubby Smith should go back to coaching college basketball cause ain't no way his Bears is gonna even come close to making this a competitive game. Don't get me wrong, y'all know I love the Bears. Regular readers of this blog will remember that they are my second favorite football team and that I consider the 1985-1986 Bears to be the finest professional sports team of all time. This year's Saints have a kick-ass (and prophetic) rap song of their own, but it's no Super Bowl Shuffle. Still, football is 70% football and only 30% rap, so my prediction is that the Saints will win 70-30.

But the only sad thing in all of this is that ma boy Dubby B ain't here to enjoy it all. Y'all may remember that two years ago, in my eulogy for him, I predicted that he would lobby God for a Saints Super Bowl victory in 2006. I was a year off, but it looks like ya boy is coming through.

I'm hung like Saddam

Say y'all heard of this dude called Sadman Hussein??? Them dudes done executed his ass by hanging him from the neck until he died. Man how the Iraqis gonna celebrate Eid al-Adha when they boy Sadam is dead? I think they should have at least let him live a little bit longer so he could have celebrated Eid and that way they could have executed him on New Year's Day. Think about how kewl that would be. They could time the execution perfectly so that as soon as the ball drops, some dude presses a button and then the trap door falls and then Soddam dies right at midnight Jan 1, 2007. Happy 2007 y'all Baathist motherfuckers. Man y'all think Sadamm gonna go to heaven or hell? On the one hand he killed a bunch of people but on the other hand he had a cool moustache. I wonder if South Park will have an episode devoted to this topic. And I wonder if it will be fucking stupid.

Update: My boy Sir Fatty says that Barack Obama's middle name is Hussein. HA HA HA i BET he loses the election because of that.

The true meaning of Christmas

Say y'all heard of this dude named Jesus??? We finnuh celebrate ya boy's birthday in a couple of days. I hope that y'all don't succumb to the crass commercialization rampant in our society these days and forget the true meaning of Christmas.


Baby Jesus doesn't want us to have to go around Cape Horn when shipping goods between the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans.

Opera

Say y'all heard of this thing called opera? I decided to finally get some culture in my life so last night I went to the opera for the first time to see Die Fledermaus. I should sue the opera for false advertising. The fledermaus didn't even die! What a ripoff!!!

They have the Internet on computers now?!?!

Yo y'all. Sorry I ain't been updating my blog for a minute or two, but I been busy studying for law school, I mean trying to get healthy enough to play basketball for the Miami Heat. Y'all know how that goes. I done had surgery done on my knee last month and let me tell you, that shit is hard to recover from. Coach Pat won't let me blog while I'm recuperating since he thinks that's how I injured my knee in the first place. That reminds me of how Joel Zumaya injured his throwing arm while playing Guitar Hero.

Anyway, the Heat fucking suck without me. So I better get back to reading civil procedure cases, I mean rehabing my bum knee.

Ramadan-o-rama

Say y'all heard of this month called Ramadan??? Muslamic folk such as myself be celebrating that shit right now. And by "celebrate" I mean "starve ourselves silly for half a day". A lot of my heathensome Christian friends think we is weird for doing such a thing. See, I get offended by the criticism because y'all ignorant heathens don't understand the religious and spiritual significance of this month. It's about more than just the global jihad against belly fat. As a commemoration of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)'s first diet, Ramadan has had a profound spiritual resonance for billions of Muslims throughout the generations. According to the Qu'ran, Muhammad (peace be upon him) lost 15 pounds over the course of that month, enabling him to fit snugly into the size 34 tuxedo he had rented for his impending nuptials to wife number 4 (I forget her name). The wedding was held in Mecca and then the happy couple went to Medina for their honeymoon. If Medina were on the coast, I bet that dude Muhammad (peace be upon him) would have looked mighty hunky in his Speedos. Muhammad (peace be upon him) was way more fit than Jesus or Buddha. Say y'all seen how fat that dude Buddha was? Man why would anyone want him as their Lord and personal trainer?

"I would have done it, too"

Say y'all heard of this dude Reggie Bush??? On ESPN they be saying that him and him family received over $100,000 in free shit from some marketing agents while he was still in college. If that's true, then USC would have to forfeit all their victories and Reggie would have to give back his Heisman Trophy. Man the corruption never ends with the Bush family. I wouldn't be surprised if Presdint George names Jenna to the Supreme Court. Anyway, I remember back in my day boosters never gave illicit benefits to star college athletes. It just simply never happened. So shame on you, Reggie. The most enlightening perspective in all of this was offered by Joe Horn: "I don't think Reggie did that, but if he did, I would have done it, too."

Well anyway I gotta go now and watch CSI:Miami in Brazil because that makes sense just like Boston Legal of Anaheim.

Talkin' bout that nine eleven

What's up peoplefolk??? Y'all heard of this thing named Nine Eleven??? Man today is the 5th anniversary of that shit. I wonder what Presdint George will give Osama in honor of this occasion. I heard someone say that the 5th anniversary is considered the "wood anniversary" but I don't think that will work since ain't no bombs made out of wood. Maybe back in them olden days wooden bombs sufficed, but these days we got cool shit like napalm and depleted uranium and freedom. I just hope that Osama doesn't get confused and think that the 5th anniversary is the "anthrax anniversary". Anthrax is bullshit.

My wandering days are over

Yo y'all, Shaq Diesel back up in this!!! Sorry about the long hiatus, but the gubmint wouldn't let me blog during the month of August on account of the heightened terror alert. They stopped allowing liquids on the internet, and my blog is like 70 percent liquid or some shit like that. Sheeeit.

Well anyways, as part of my deal with the gubmint I gotta make some major changes to my blog. First of all, I can't put any hardcore gay porn on here anymore, so I'm just gonna start linking to it. Also, I am now required to have and editor so as to alleviate this blogs chronic problems with bad speling and grammer. From now on I think that dude Ronald Dumbsfeld and his friend Alberto Gonzales will be monitoring my blog, so Osama you may want to stop leaving comments, or at least use a pseudonym or something. May I suggest an anagram like "Neon Islamabad" or "Omasa lin Baden"?

Y'all might be wondering what all has been going on with Big Aristotle in these past 2 months. I'll go into detail about all that later, but for now let me just say that I have been overcome by this strange feeling...it's almost as though I've been traded to the Bulls or something.

My Bad

Bonjour y'all...man y'all can just disregard my last post. Turns out that whole Zidane/Materazzi nonsense was all bullshit. Here's what really happened.


Did I do that?

The Blues are still blue

Awww sheeznart y'all seen what had happened in the Copa Mundial final??? HA HA that dude Zidane laid the smack down! Headbutts are kewl. Normally I wouldn't advocate violence on the playing field (Jerry Stackhouse, I'm looking in your direction), but shit Italy played without any honor whatsoever. They were constantly fouling and diving and the refs were allowing it. It's teams like Italy that give soccer a bad name: football. That asshole Materazzi even gave Zidane a Texas Titty Twister right before the head butting incident! Now tell me how a dude from Italy gonna learn such a technique? I think Presdint George secretly taught it to him as part of a conspiracy to make sure that France didn't win the Word Cup. Can't have the World Cup go to a team with a bunch of Moozlims on it.

Lots of people been wondering exactly what Materazzi said to Zidane to provoke him like that. I don't think we'll ever know. Zidane obviously operates on a higher plane of being, something akin to aliens or biblical Nephilim. We mere humans, with our hasty judgment and feeble red cards, can't even begin to understand the ultimate meaning of the headbutt. Word on the street is that Materazzi probably made a racist comment or directed a barb at Zidane's mom. My best guess is that it went down like this...


Hey Zidane, why does Algeria always do so poorly in the World Cup???


Because everytime they get a corner, they open up a cab stand!!! AH HA HA HA XD XD XD P3WND!!!11ELEVEN!!1!


Real mature, Marco...


What, you don't like that? I got more...


Yo momma so fat, she use a hot air balloon as a parachute!!!


Yeah, well yo momma so fat, she don't just go back for seconds, she go back for hours!!!!


OH SNAP!!!


HA HA YEAH LOLZ!!!!


Well, yo momma so stupid she think the multiplication table is something you get at IKEA!


Yo momma so stupid, the cops told her to freeze so she got on a plane to Antarctica!!!


MON DIEU!!!!


Yo momma so cheap, the only reason she immigrated to France is cuz she heard it was a free country!


Whatev. Yo momma so cheap, for breakfast y'all had to eat Discount Chocula!!!!


ZUT ALORS!!!!!!!!!

YO MOMMA GIVE SO MANY BLOWJOBS, SHE SINGLEHANDEDLY GOT FRANCE OUT OF THE RECESSION!!!!

OH NO YOU DI'INT!!!