E Pluribus Screw 'Em

Awww steeznart you all!  Y'all heard of this Gilligan/ Barney Fife/ Mr. Rogers/ Kenneth the Page looking dude from Louisiana named Bobby Jindal?  He's currently the "Governor" of Louisiana and he was also running for President, but sadly he recently dropped out of the race.  It's a shame because had Jindal won the Presidency, it would have been an historic occasion.  He would have been our great country's 44th white President.  And as he was rumored to choose Rachel Dolezal as his running mate, we also missed out on our first female Vice President.  I was really curious as to whether his Presidential portrait could ever top his gubernatorial one.  

The Picture of Dorian White

That portrait is a good jump-off point for a discussion about two of Jindal's biggest perceived flaws: his inauthenticity and desperate need to fit in.  This often manifests in him disavowing his Indian roots while playing up a fake Southern good ol' boy persona to curry (whoops) favor with his conservative constituency.  Whoever painted that portrait literally whitewashed history.  I mean he really Sammy Sosa'd it.  The average online dating profile pic more accurately portrays its subject than that portrait does.    

He famously changed his name when he was a kid because of his love for The Brady Bunch.  People make fun of him for this, but changing one's name from "Piyush" to something more acceptable to Western ears is hardly uncommon.  Brady Bunch-inspired name changing helped out the career of the former Piyush Brewer, love child of Emperor Palpatine and the Cryptkeeper, who changed her name to Jan and somehow became Governor of Arizona. Then there's the story of Piyush Woods, whose fondness for the Brady family's dog led him to rename himself Tiger and take up golfing.  You probably know about Tom Brady, but did you know that once upon a time he was just a skinny football-loving youth from California named Tom Piyush?  His obsession with the The Brady Bunch moved him to change his name and now the rest is history.  Like Jindal, the former Tom Piyush also has some experience with less-than-accurate portraits.  

Sure, Jindal takes his need to assimilate into mainstream White American culture a bit too far, but I think it comes mainly from a benign place of genuine appreciation for American pop culture rather a cynical ploy to manipulate white voters.  In addition to his aforementioned love for The Brady Bunch, he also performed an exorcist in college presumably in homage to his favorite horror movie, and, as this picture shows, a young Jindal was clearly a big fan of Welcome Back, Kotter.  

Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause he was a fucking awful Governor

Like the titular hero, his dreams (of the White House) were his ticket out, but unlike the good-natured and avuncular Mr. Kotter, I highly doubt Jindal will be welcomed back to Louisiana after his aborted Presidential campaign.  We haven't forgotten that Bobby Jindaled while Louisiana burned.  We're still near the bottom in health, education, income, environment, etc., but hey at least it is now harder for gay people to buy cakes.  We're near the top for ringworms, alcohol-induced blackouts, potholes, crawfish-induced blackouts, juvenile diabetes, Juvenile diabetes, adult diabetes, teenage diabetes, pet diabetes, and dangerously high levels of butter in our blood.  In fact, the average Louisianian is now 17% butter.  

With his dismal record in Louisiana, it's no wonder that his Presidential campaign never gained traction.  His list of donors, aka Ganges List, was meager.  Setting himself apart from the crowd proved to be an impossible task, since at last count the number of GOP challengers was 81 and continues to grow daily.  At this point if you're an out-of-touch old white man you're 3 times more likely to be a GOP Presidential candidate than to get prostate cancer. Bobby just couldn't compete with those odds.  

So now lame duck Iowa resident Bobby Jindal can finally turn his attention back to Louisiana.  Oh great.  He, the son of immigrants himself, has for some reason made it his obsession to thwart immigration and degrade immigrants at every turn.  He says he "doesn't believe in hyphenated Americans," which is kind of hypocritical for an Idiot-American to say.  First they came for the hyphens, and I did not speak out because I was not hyphenated...  But once Bobby takes away our hyphens, what's next?  Our colons?  Question marks?  Interrobangs?!  And he better not mess with our sacred emojis (one of which was actually Oxford Dictionary's 2015 word of the year!).  YOU CAN PRY MY SHRUGGIE DUDE OUT OF MY COLD DEAD HANDS  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Who all seen Jindal doing any meaningful legislative work over the past couple years say yeeeaaahhh!  *Crickets*

Jobby Bindle so eloquently stated on Twitter that "immigration without assimilation is not immigration, it is invasion." It’s like Thomas Edison said, "immigration is one percent assimilation and 99 percent perspiration."  Because hiking through the desert for days in the scorching heat is bound to get you all gross and sweaty.  That’s why you gotta take a refreshing dip in the Rio Grande.  

Recently the Piyush bag has had the gall to declare that Louisiana will not be accepting any Syrian refugees.  He and most other Republican governors are turning America's old motto "E Pluribus Unum" on its head, but I guess "E Pluribus Screw 'Em" has a nice ring to it.  Personally, I think it's a heartwarming example of genuine Christian charity.  Can you imagine fleeing some wartorn third-world hellhole just to find yourself in Louisiana, of all places? Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire. 

In other Louisiana politics news, Senator Pampers is running to replace "Governor" Jindal. His last ditch effort to appeal to the selfish cowardly racists among us has him amping up the anti-Syrian refugee rhetoric as the election draws nearer.  When the Syrian refugees make Louisianans shit themselves in fear, Diaper Dave will be prepared.  He's the man we can depend on to wipe out the threat.  All 14 of them.  Anyway, Election Day is today, so don't forget to vote!  Unless you plan on voting for Vitter, in which case ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.   

Pure Applesauce

Aww man say y'all heard tell of the Surpeme Court ruling that gay folk can get married up here in the U.S. of A.?  Man it has been a tough couple of weeks for us Conservative types.  Darth Vader Ginsburg and her liberal peers on the Court are unelected tyrants and the Supreme Court is no better than a modern-day Star Chamber, although for the purposes of this analogy I suppose it's more like a Star Destroyer, but instead of destroying stars what it really destroys is the very fabric of American society.  The liberal wing of the Supreme Court has cast aside the sturdy and tasteful hand-picked denim of America's glorious past and replaced it with some kind of diaphanous frou-frou silk taffeta abomination.  Whereas the denim is machine washable with similar colors, the silk is dry clean only.  Ok sorry, this stupid metaphor is hanging on by a thread.  Moving on...

The Supreme Court's fascist anti-Christian diktat makes a mockery of religious freedom.  It's like the Bible says.  If 2 adult human beings who love each other can get married, then who's to say that a pet goldfish can't marry a bowl of tomato soup?  It's a slippery slope.  A taut yet supple, glistening, sultry, well-endowed slope that is also a good listener and a generous lover.  This is what we Bible-believing Mercians have to compete with.  For some reason the Gaystapo is successful in its recruiting efforts while churches all across America remain empty.  

Now some people might say, "Damn Shaq, what business is it of yours what two consenting adults do in the privacy of their own butts?"  You might have had a point before the unrelenting Homo-sexual Lobby turned its attention to one of Conservative Christian America's most beloved institutions.  Yes, even bakeries, once heterosexual bastions of traditional heterosexual Christian American heterosexual masculinity, have yielded to the doughy and glazed Homo-sexual Agenda.  I went to Tastee Donuts the other day and ordered a cream-filled Danish and boy was it not what I expected.  I think my right to not be subjected to slightly homo-sexual pastries far outweighs gay people's right to be treated like actual human beings.  

I don't understand why gay people want to ruin marriage and dessert for all straight people.  Gay wedding cakes will be the downfall of society.  Imagine two men having sex.  Just imagine it.  Now keep on imagining it.  Stay up all night obsessively imagining it.  This is the future our children will inherit thanks to the LIEberals on the Supreme Court.  Now that homo-sexual wedding cakes are taking over our country, what's next?  Queeramisu?  Pineapple upside-down morals cake?  Communion wafers with rainbow sprinkles on them?  I certainly hope not!  Homo-sexuality is the last thing I want to think about while I'm on my knees metaphorically receiving my savior's body in my mouth.  Luckily we have at least one Supreme Court Justice who has the bravery to stand athwart history yelling "STOP! I hatez fagz!!!"  Yup, Antonin Scalia has dedicated his life to making the lives of gay people worse, and for that he deserves our praise.  He is so committed to defending traditional marriage that he's released an R&B album devoted to the cause.  Peep this:

Are you that opposite-gendered somebody?

Heritage not great

What's up y'all?  Y'all heard about this country called MURKA??? It's our birthday today!  Damn we old!!!  Independence Day is the one day of the year where us U.S. Americans unabashedly show our patriotism.  In fact, I am (almost) unironically wearing an American flag do-rag as I type this.  Inevitably, today's proud display of our nation's symbols has gotten me thinking about the proud display of the symbols of another nation, a nation that somehow continues to live in the hearts and minds and presumably other body parts of a significant portion of the American populace, despite not having existed for 150 years.  I'm speaking, of course, about the Confederate States of America.  

A surprisingly large amount of Americans, especially Southerners, still identify with symbols of the Confederacy and cling to them as though trying to remove these symbols from public places is tantamount to trying to remove a vital part of themselves.  The people who argue for the removal of the Confederate battle flag may say: "but getting a boil lanced, or a cancerous polyp removed from your colon, or flushing your system of intestinal parasites is qualitatively different from having a limb or organ amputated for no reason."  But we know of course that this is liberal claptrap.  The Confederate flag is a potent symbol of our Southerness, existing as it did for a whopping total of 4 some odd years out of the 240 some odd years that the South has existed.  But its disproportionate importance among current Confederate enthusiasts is understandable in light of the fact that it was used as the Confederate Navy Jack for 2 whole entire years, was adopted as the Battle Flag of the Army of Northern Virginia (one shudders to think about the potential peak-Confederocity that might have been achieved if only Southern Virginia had also adopted the battle flag), and also flew over exactly zero state capitols during the Civil War.  So it's plain to see why a flag that was so eminent in its own time would be the logical choice to represent the totality of Southern heritage over a century after its heyday.  I'm very much heartbroken that they're trying to take away the most vital piece of our shared Southern culture.  The Confederate battle flag is emblematic of all those quintessentially Southern traits that led the South to so nobly and proudly start the Civil War and then lose it.  

Few people know that Santa was originally headquartered at the South Pole but was forced to free his elves and relocate after losing the War of North Pole Aggression

Now y'all may be thinking to yourselves, “Dayum, Shaq, what do you know about history and politics?  Stick to sports™!!1!”  Well, I’m here to tell you that this issue is very much relevant to sports.  The Atlanta Slaveocrats had to change their name to the Atlanta Braves, but it’s okay for the New York Yankees to exist?  Ole Miss had to retire its Rebel mascot and replace it with a BLACK bear, but it’s okay for the New York Yankees to design their iconic pinstriped uniforms to specifically evoke black-on-white violence?!  Major League Baseball bans black people until the 1940s and it’s a villain, but George Steinbrenner, late owner of the NEW YOK YANKESS bans facial hair and he’s a hero?!!  The liberal media will stop at nothing to demean and belittle Southern heritage while forgiving and even celebrating far worse behavior by its Northern masters.  ESPN has a Red Sox history month, but where’s White Sox history month?  David Ortiz is 3/5ths the player Ron Kittle was, but of course if I say that out loud I’m the one who’s considered a racist.   

AINT NO FEDS GONNA FEED MY KIDS COMMIE CORE! MORON LABE! I'D RATHER BE JUGDED BY TWLEVE THAN CARRY THE ZERO!

For those who say that perhaps a symbol celebrating slavery and treason is not the best thing to display on government buildings or on public roads, well would you have us remove all historical monuments and render future generations historically illiterate?  Newsflash, history matters and it is absolutely imperative for the survival of the republic that we not skimp on teaching ALL OF IT ALL THE TIME EVERYWHERE TO EVERYONE.  Instead of taking down historical symbols, we should be putting more up.  Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, which is why the Louisiana State Capitol has just put up an exhibit commemorating the rise and fall of the Ottoman Empire in its lobby.  The gilded statue of Suleiman the Magnificent is sure to remain a tourist attraction for years to come.  On a more local level, the Jefferson Parish Courthouse recently outfitted its security guards in the traditional attire of the personal Terracotta Army of 3^rd century BCE Chinese emperor, Qin Shi Huang.  Sure, the outfits had to be bought for an exorbitant price from the Beijing Museum of Military Uniforms, but no price is too great when it comes to teaching our children about history.  Meanwhile, the U.S. Capitol, which has been under construction for what seems like forever, has finally unveiled what all the construction was about.  Turns out that they’re replacing the entire dome with a life sized mise-en-scene of Hannibal crossing the Alps. 

New Orleans mayor Mitch Landrieu has promised that he will, in a compromise designed to appease those who oppose taking down Robert E. Lee’s statue at Lee Circle, tear down the Superdome instead and install an even bigger circle dedicated to the heroes of the War of Jenkins’ Ear, which as we all know took place from 1739-1748 and resulted in the loss of Jenkins’ ear, a loss from which Britain has never truly recovered.  I fear our nation would be doomed if future generations of American kids forgot about the War of Jenkins’ Ear and the lessons it can teach us about proper ear security.   

SEROUSLY SOMEONW HELP ME OUT HERe oh never mind

For some reason the Confederacy always gets the short end of the historical commemoration stick.  I just recently found out that Jefferson Parish was named after Thomas Jefferson and not Jefferson Davis.  Imagine my distress and disillusionment upon realizing that the parish I grew up in and had thought was named after a racist slave-owning piece of shit was instead named after a different racist slave-owning piece of shit.  I tell ya, the Confederacy gets no respect.  I think we should remedy this by creating monuments to commemorate all Confederate victories, from the well-known ones like the Battle of Manassas and the Battle of Chancellorsville to the ones that have already been forgotten, like the Siege of Tupelo, the Battle of Possum Spring, the Quarrel at Donaldsonville, the Battle of Munson’s Barn, the Altercation Down Beulah Street, Old Jack’s Misunderstanding, and the Incident What Happened Yonder Mill Creek Way. 

Maybe it’s the handful of psychedelic drugs I recently ingested talking, but I’ve always thought it interesting that the Confederate battle flag has an 'X' on it, as 'X' is the universal symbol for closing a window on your computer, but when God closes a door, he opens a window, presumably so you can jump out of it, or maybe it’s just to air out the room because He farted, either way my point is that maybe this is like that but in reverse, like maybe God is closing this window so he can open a door, in this case he’s closing the window on slavery, treason, and getting your pathetic asses kicked in a war but luckily he’s opening the door on other things the South holds dear, like diabetes, mosquito-borne illnesses, and illiteracy.  No one can take those things away from us!  What’s the stupid old saying?  American by birth, Southern due to lack of upward socioeconomic mobility by the grace of God.  So cheer up, fellow Southerners/Confederazis, there is a silver lining to our grey uniforms!

Finally, a states' rights symbol everyone can agree on

Siempre Coca-Cola

DAYUM y'all heard about this soft drink called Coca-Cola?!?!?!  Man their marketing people are geniuses.  Before Sunday hardly anyone had heard of Coke but now people can’t stop talking about it.  Some people were pissed off at Coke's Super Bowl commercial but really what were they expecting?  “Coca-Cola” is actually an Algonquin term meaning “universal health care” so it’s no surprise that they would make such a left-wing anti-American commercial.  And anyway the controversial commercial isn't even the most egregious example of Coca-Cola's multicultural ethos.  Did y’all know that there exists something called “Mexican Coke” and it’s not even made with high fructose corn syrup, the most American of sweeteners?  Instead it’s made with this thing called cane sugar whatever that is.  Sounds suspiciously like the dreaded “Uncle Sugar” that Mike Huckabee warned us about.  What's worse, shipments of this “Mexican Coke” have actually hopped the border and are unwittingly being bought by our impressionable American youth in grocery stores and bodegas all over this once great nation.  

Everyone threw a fit when Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City wanted to outlaw large sodas but as it turns out the proposed NYC soda ban was a surprisingly prescient opening salvo in the war against the anti-American globalist forces of Big Soda.  I owe you an apology, Mayor Bloomberg.  I used to think that it was every American’s God-given right to drink as much concentrated diabetes juice as his or her heart desired, but now I see that Americans’ soda intake must be strictly regulated lest they imbibe too frequently from the decadent, multicultural, morally depraved chalice of Big Soda.    

I think I speak for most Conservatives when I say THIS IS AMERCIA WE DON’T SPEAK NO FERN LANGAUGES HERE.  As Joe the Plumber said, America is supposed to be a melting pot.  That means when foreigners come here all the bizarre rituals and customs of their native lands are thrown into a boiling pot so they can be cooked down to a manageable size and subsumed by the dominant mainstream American culture, or what sociologists call the Widespread American Social Paradigm.  We'll call it "WASP" for short.  Immigrants to this great land should be encouraged to adopt the WASP way but of course we have to be patient with those who may have trouble adjusting.  Fortunately for these laggards, helpful Conservatives have set up charitable organizations to smooth the transition to the U.S.  One especially notable welcoming committee aimed at immigrant children is the American Representatives for Youth Assimilation and Naturalization.  They're currently working on some much-needed updates to the Statue of Liberty.  Are y'all familiar with Emma Lazarus' "The New Colossus", the poem engraved on the Statue of Liberty's pedestal?  We need a new new Colossus, because according to the old new one, here are the kind of people we're welcoming to America: "tired", "poor", "huddled masses", "wretched refuse", "homeless", "tempest-tost"... I mean, come on, what a downer!  I ask you, is that the kind of example you want America to set for the world?  I want to see a new-look Lady Liberty who can kick ass and take names, and if the name is too foreign sounding, to change said name into something sufficiently Anglo.   

THIS IS MURKA, OUR LAST NAMES HAVE VOWELS IN THEM!

The other day I was on the phone trying to get a prescription refilled when I heard the four words that every God-fearing American hopes they will never ever have to hear: "Para Espanol, oprima dos." A sharp twinge of terror raced down my spine and I immediately threw the phone down and stomped on it until only a pile of dust remained.  It was a terrifying experience that I'll never forget, basically the 9/11 of phone calls.  It was almost enough to make me call 911.  

The foreigners are destroying everything we used to love about this once great nation from INSIDE THE HOUSE.

That's why the founding fathers fought the Revolutionary War, so that their ancestors would be spared the ordeal of having to press an extra button.  I for one will never give up the fight until automated phone menus start catering to us Bible-believing conservative types.  

"For English, press 1.  For a barely literate Southerner attempting to speak English, press 2..."

Now you Tea Partiers might think you’re safe ditching the cola and just drinking iced tea, but check this out… you want proof that Coca-Cola is pro illegal immigration?  Until recently, Coca-Cola had a joint venture with Nestle to produce Nestea.  Hmmm, Nestea…Nestea… sounds kinda like… AMNESTY.  That can’t be a coincidence!  They were even audacious enough to call their energy drink "A.M. Nestea" and market it with the slogan "Wake up, America!" which thankfully replaced their initial slogan "Down with whitey".    

Mourning in America

One thing this controversy has taught me is that some Americans don't even deserve America.  We may live in the same country, but we certainly don't live in the same world.  I guess these old American xenophobes will die off relatively soon, so that's something to look forward to, but can you really ever kill a mindset?  Maybe fighting xenophobia is like fighting terrorism, they're both doomed to fail.  Whatever.  I did my part by writing a interminably long, rambling, snarky blogpost that no one will ever read.  

Armchairmageddon

Damn y’all heard of this thing called weather?  Here in the NOLA we're just now emerging from what was undoubtedly one of the worst weather events in recorded human history, a mini Ice Age that made Younger Dryas look like Fetal Dryas.  People were even giving it dramatic names like Sneauxmageddon (because people here don’t cotton to accurate spelling) or Snowah’s Ark or The Transfiguration of Iced or Weatherpocalypse or well you get the point.  I don’t understand why these weather events always have to be described in Biblical terms.  This isn’t the Bible Belt.  It’s more like if you undid the Bible Belt and maybe the top couple buttons on your linen pants, Louisiana is what would clumsily tumble out.  A moderately sized half chub accidentally unfurled in a drunken moment but thankfully the rest of the country pretends it didn't see anything and everyone can proceed as if nothing untoward happened. 

Anyway most people were safely ensconced in their weather bunkers but those who hadn’t planned ahead (myself included) had to brave 30 degree temperatures to secure adequate disaster provisions.  Before you scoff, let me remind you that’s 30 degrees Fahrenheit.  FAHRENHEIT, I SAY!!!  Rouses was a madhouse.  People were elbowing sweet old ladies clear off their Rascals just to get the last party pack of Abita.  I’m not proud of some of the things I had to do but all’s fair in love and slightly below freezing weather. 

Forgive me God for going Dikembe Mutumbo on this elderly woman. 

This will be my testimony

“We have a severe baby problem here in Hawai'i.  Every time I see a baby, it makes me angry.  So I just take its stroller, emptying out the contents first, of course (I'm no monster), and smash it with a sledgehammer until it’s inoperable.  I destroy them so they can’t be pushed on the streets.  And if I see a baby asleep at the bus stop or park during the night, I’m fine with that.  I won't do anything.  But if I see a baby asleep during the day, nuh-uh, that’s unacceptable.  I wake that lazy baby right up and bark at them, ‘get your ass moving!’  When you are walking down the street carrying a sledgehammer and wearing a garland of tiny baby skulls around your neck, people get out of your way. "

cf. some evil piece of shit state legislator from Hawai'i (who's a Democrat by the way, so can't no one accuse Shaq of being partisan anymore).

Semper Dry

Damn y’all heard of this outrage about Obama having a Marine hold an umbrella over his head during an outdoors press conference with the Prime Minister of Turkey?  First of all it seems impolite to refer to an entire country as a ‘Turkey’ but then Lebron reminded me that the Ottoman Empire lost World War I so as part of its punishment it must’ve had to rename itself.  Anyway, idiotic conservatives are all like "why can’t the man hold his own damn umbrella?"  But I think these people are missing the larger point.  Don’t get me wrong, I do sympathize with those who feel that people should hold their own umbrellas.  I myself, as a 7’2” black man, have found it near impossible to find a sufficiently tall and unracist umbrella attendant.  This forces me to take care of all my umbrella-related program activities myself, but come on people, Obama is the President of the United States!  I also mow my own lawn and clip my own toenails (though rarely at the same time), but do we really expect the POTUS to do such menial tasks himself?  And why do people care so much that it’s a Marine?  The Secret Service does all the President’s laundry, reads him his bedtime stories, and packs him his Lunchables, but I don’t hear anyone complain about that.  

Just imagine if the Obamas laid off all their staff and started doing simple everyday tasks for themselves, the unemployment rate would skyrocket!  The head umbrella dude over at the Marines has a family to feed just like you or me.  He gets laid off, and his little girl can’t go to college.  Is that what you monsters want?  He went to umbrella college for 4 years just to get laid off during a recession so the White House could save a few bucks?  HAIL NO.  He served his country nobly and protected his President from the rain, and now you want to leave him out in the rain?  I DON’T THINK SNOW.  I AIN’T DOWN WET THAT.  In the olden days a man and his umbrella jockey had a special relationship, almost like bloodbrothers.  They say blood is thicker than water, but nothing is thicker than rain.  Ponder that.  Most Americans hold their own umbrellas nowadays which may seem like a good thing, but that’s a lot of former umbrella attendants out of a job.  New Jersey is the only state that has a law against self-serve umbrella use.  I don’t think it’s a coincidence that New Jersey also happens to be the most beautiful, prosperous, and happy state.  And anyway, every American President has had his own umbrella attendant ever since an un-umbrella’d William Henry Harrison caught a fatal case of the pneumonias during his Inaugural Address.  It’s an American tradition, just like baseball, apple pies, and wars in Iraq.  

Think about what happened to the last U.S. president who foolishly decided to defy proper parasol protocol.  

 

Never forget.

Even though George W. Bush presided over America’s halcyon days, and while history will surely remember him as the dignified, principled, capable leader he was, many misguided partisans stubbornly continue to define him by his sole mistake.  In case you don’t remember, in early 2005, in a rare departure from his usual practice of moderation and judiciousness, George W. Bush insisted on holding his own umbrella.  This bold demonstration of American strength was designed to strike fear into the hearts of Islamic terrorists, but it sadly ended in disaster.  The operation proved to be too ambitious, too complex, too demanding for one man to tackle, and thus had to be abandoned halfway through.  The mission left unaccomplished, an entire nation gasped in horror.  Though this was the one and only blemish on W’s legacy, a solitary turd floating along a vast tranquil pool of immaculate chlorinated glory, his reputation never really recovered. 

It's almost as though he's not that bright or something.

Umbrellagate is just proof that Obama has learned from his predecessor’s mistake, like Dubya himself who learned from Bill Clinton that one should never use an intern’s vagina as a humidor, and Clinton who in turn learned from Bush Sr. that Japanese ambassadors, contrary to certain videos you can find on the internet, do not enjoy being vomited on. 

Mission accomplished.

Moron Labe

Shit y’all heard about this tareist attack they just had over at the Boston Marathon?  Man I remember the first terrorist attack at a Marathon, that dude Darius got fucked up pretty bad that day.  This was before cell phones so Phiddipides had to run tell dat all the way back to Athens and dropped dead upon arriving cuz back then there wasn’t no Nikes.  But at least his message didn’t contain ricin, which is the new terroristical thing that’s been going around.  Maybe we should reinstate couriers to orally deliver messages in person, that way can’t no one put some poison in the letter and kill a Congressperson or some such.  Of course, the modern Phiddipides will have to be thoroughly vetted i.e. body scanned, cavity searched, irradiated, and racially profiled (in case of any brown skin related program activities).  Only then can we be sure that our nation’s Congressional correspondence is completely free from lethal toxins.  And before you say that it would be easier to just train carrier pigeons to do the same thing, keep in mind that North Korean tareists could easily just send weaponized pigeons infected with bird flu over to America (once they develop the range) and then we’d all be screwed.

So far the authorities haven’t been able to determine who’s to blame for the attack, but that sure hasn’t stopped people from making all kinds of wildly irresponsible accusations.  Of course, some liberals are saying that it’s domestic terrorists (i.e. right-wing nutjobs) who did it, and most conservatives are saying that it’s Islamic terrorists (i.e. Muslim right-wing nutjobs) who did it.  Either way, it’s almost certainly right-wing nutjobs who are responsible, and whether they play for the home team or the away team shouldn’t really matter.  Some Fox News contributor even tweeted that we should “kill all Muslims” but for all we know that could have been totally unrelated to the bombing in Boston.  It was most likely just a promo for Fox’s newest show, Kill All Muslims with Mark Levin.  I just hope the perpetrators don’t turn out to be 7 foot tall, 300 pound black men, else I’ll probably get profiled.

Alex Jones, everybody’s favorite cross between Yosemite Sam and Rush Limbaugh, claims that the attack was a false flag operation.  On the surface this seems like an unlikely, poorly reasoned, excessively paranoid, some may even say really fucking insane assertion but let’s not dismiss Jones as a delusional idiot just yet.  As I type this in solitary confinement in my meager tent at a classified FEMA internment camp, hooked up to a government-issued mind control helmet that, while uncomfortably bulky and unbearably loud as it force feeds an audiobook of Piers Morgan reading The Collected Works of Karl Marx directly into my ears, is at least mercifully protecting the open, unhealed head wounds I unrelentingly suffer at the whip of my Reptilian overseers from exposure to the acrid, stale air that permeates this desolate hellhole, I am begrudgingly reminded that Alex Jones has indeed been right in the past.  And though the lamestream media may refuse to connect the dots, certain facts do lend credence to Jones’ false flag theory.  The Vatican recently elected a new Pope; Kate Middleton is pregnant; Obama uses fluoridated toothpaste; Boston spelled backwards is “not sob”; Russian oligarchs have crippled the Cypriot banking system by overwhelming it with speculative capital; Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi; Kobe Bryant recently tore his Achilles tendon; Marathon spelled backwards is “Nohtaram” which happens to be the capital city of the Reptilians’ home planet of Alpha Rigel DQX-17.  The evidence is all out there, it’s just a matter of who’s willing to see it.   

Bottled Watergate

Shit y’all heard about the State of the Union?  That’s this speech what the president has to do every year in front of Congress and a bunch of esteemed guests such as war heroes, Supreme Court justices, and noted self-soiler Ted Nugent.  Of his nationally televised speeches in 2013, I'd rank Obama’s SOTU address a little bit behind his inauguration speech.  But say y’all noticed that Obama has developed a really bad habit of scheduling his most important nationally televised speeches on holidays?  The inauguration was on Martian Luther King Day and the SOTU was on Mardi Gras.  Damn, Obama, I’m tranah get my drink on and my throwcatch on, I don’t have time for all this political shit.   

Anyway, Obama said some stuff about political stuff and what not.  It was pretty standard fare.  The real star of the night was Florida senator Marco Rubio, who delivered the GOP’s rebuttal immediately after Obama’s speech.  The GOP has a storied tradition of allowing its most charismatic rising stars to give the rebuttal, and last night was no different.  Rubio was an excellent choice as he had already captivated America with his inspirational life story, from his parents' daring escape immigration from Castro's Cuba in 1959 Batista's Cuba in 1956 to his swift ascent through the ranks of the Florida Republican establishment, culminating in his 2010 election to the U.S. Senate.  Marco Rubio truly epitomizes the American Dream (and maybe the D.R.E.A.M. Act?).  More importantly, the fact that his family is from Cuba is proof positive that the GOP does not hate Hispanics, just as Mitch McConnell's high stature within the party is proof that the GOP does not hate turtles.   

Rubio showed that he was up to the task, giving an unforgettably stirring and patriotic speech that will no doubt catapult him to national prominence and secure a place for him in the pantheon of GOP rising stars, right next to Bobby Jindal (first Indian –American governor of Louisiana and winner of the 2010 Emmy Award for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy or Musical for his work in 30 Rock) and Michelle Bachmann (first Woman-American Head Counselor at the Marcus Bachmann Institute of Not Being a Gay).   

Unfortunately, most of the lamestream media will remember Rubio’s speech not for the golden-tongued eloquence of his rhetoric or the irrefutable soundness of his fiscal ideas, but for a fleeting faux pas.  Rubio interrupted his speech in mid-sentence to crouch off frame and retrieve a bottle of Poland Spring and take a tiny sip of it, all the while never failing to maintain eye contact with the camera.  This was a surprisingly unpolished breach of television decorum, one that some liberals have even dubbed “Watergate”, presumably as a reference to the Clinton-era real estate scandal Whitewatergate.  I’m not so sure that the whole –gate suffix thing as boilerplate to denote a political scandal will catch on, but whatever. 

Conventional wisdom is saying that Rubio unintentionally made an embarrassing mistake, but I challenge that.  Rufio is playing political chess here.  He wants the media to think he made a gaffe, when really he was just slyly reaching out to an important foreign ally.  Think about it: the water he was drinking was Poland Spring, which is of course a reference to the recent wave of pro-democracy demonstrations sweeping through the former Soviet bloc, demonstrations that no doubt owe much to other contemporary grassroots movements that have spread around the world, from the Arab Spring to the Irish Spring to the Silent Spring.  This was a subtle but no doubt very effective way of expressing our gratitude and validating the support of our most crucial ally in the War on Terror, Poland.  As George Dubya repeatedly reminded John Kerry during that debate in 2004, DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE FORGET POLAND MOTHERFUCKER WHAT?  John Kerry proved you can't forget Poland and win the Presidency.  As Poland goes, so goes Murka.  With Poland now at his side, Marco Polo has positioned himself at the head of the pack in the 2016 presidential election.  

 

Marbury v. Medicine

Say y'all heard of this thing called the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, otherwise known as OBAMACARE???  The Supreme Court just ruled that that shit was constitutional the other day.  As a conservative, I'm against all medicine, especially antibiotics and the like.  Why should doctors administer medicine to boost sick people's lazy, shiftless immune systems?  Your white blood cells should pick themselves up by their own bootstraps and not rely on an antibacterial handout.  If your white blood cell count is too low, then you need only blame the multicultural, pro-diversity PC liberal lie that says red blood cells are just as important as white blood cells.  White blood cells are already the minority, pretty soon they'll be overrun by all kinds of illegal bacteria and other assorted swarthy pathogens that the PC liberals insist on letting into our bodies.  THIS IS AMERICA SPEAK ENGLISH.

The Surpeme Court got it wrong.  Obamacare is undoubtedly unconstitutional and should be repealed post-haste.  I don't want my taxpayer monies to go to federally funded abortions.  I think the Republicans should pass a law forcing women to name their fetus before being able to get an abortion.  I also don't want my taxpayer monies to go to contraception.  Life begins at conception, therefore abortion begins at contraception, therefore contraception is wrong.  The penalty for having sex should be pregnancy because life is a miracle and children are the future. 

If I were a short black kid*

I am not a short black kid. I am a 7'2", 350 pound, middle-aged former NBA center and current actor/rapper extraordinare. So life was easier for me. But that doesn't mean that averaging 2.3 blocks per game over a 19 year NBA career and having a debut album that goes platinum are impossible goals for those short kids from the inner city. It takes brains. It takes hard work. It takes a little luck. And a little help from others. And technology. And littering your inane Forbes op-ed with sentence fragments. Especially sentence fragments. Because people who are incapable of writing a sentence with more than one clause are precisely the type of people who should be dispensing life advice to kids.

If I were a short black kid I would use all the technology at my disposal to become taller. When I was in 9th grade, I was barely over five feet tall. Can you imagine me becoming a Hall of Fame caliber NBA center if I had stopped growing at age 14? Well, luckily I took the advice of my guidance counselor (a learned white man, by the way) and decided it would be good for my future basketball career if I grew a couple of feet. By feet, I mean the unit of measurement, not the body part. I already had two of the body part. Like my parents before me, I was born with them. Anyway, with lots of hard work and dedication, and of course an assist from study websites such as TED and the Khan Academy, I eventually grew to 7'2". And thanks to the free online calculators my guidance counselor informed me of, I can also tell you that 7'2" is 218.4 centimeters. I used Skype to practice with other students from my school who also wanted to get better at basketball. When possible, my family and I got our food and shelter for free from Project Gutenberg. I "became expert" at Google Scholar and my drop step improved dramatically.

If I were a short black kid I would get technical. But not technical fouls. Coach would bench me for those. I would learn software. I figure most kids who want decent jobs just go to the decent job fair or whatever and the Wizard of Decent Jobs is all like "Do you know software?" and then the kid goes "Yes sir, I learned software on the intertubes." Then the Wizard would ask "What about homework tools? How familiar are you with those?" to which the kid would reply "Very, sir, very. I go to my public library everyday and watch relevant teachings on the interweb." Then of course the Wizard would give the kid a decent job because that's just how easy it is.

When I look at all the short black high school kids throughout our nation's inner cities, my heart aches. It saddens me to see an entire generation of black youth sitting idly by while their peers in Europe and China, the future Dirk Nowitskis and Yao Mings of the world, are growing taller by the day. If only they had my tenacious work ethic and nonstop dedication to becoming a better, taller person. Technology can help these kids. But only if the kids want to be helped. Yes, there is much inequality. But the opportunity is still there in the NBA for those that are tall enough to go for it.

*c.f.

I have an impressive history of mentoring at-risk youth.

Harry Potter is kewl

Oh man y'all heard of this dude named Henry Potter? He's the most powerful wizard since Gilbert Arenas. I love everything about the Harry Potter series. Me and Big Baby even dressed up as Fred and George Weasley last Halloween (this Halloween I am leaning towards being Fleur Delacour because I want to wear one of those funny Beauxbatons hats). I know all about magic, having played for the Orlando Magic early in my career, plus I used to be a member of the Order of the Phoenix Suns, so I consider myself somewhat of an expert on all things Harry Potter. I even reviewed one of the books right here on this very blog a few years ago. Unfortunately, since then I've been remiss in my duty to provide my loyal readership with the Harry Potter reviews they crave so much. The last movie just came out last month and I figured I owed it to y'all to review it, so here goes:

First, a bit of background for those unfortunate souls who haven't yet ventured into the Potterverse. Henry Potter is a wizard with magicful powers who lives on a fictional isle called Britain and goes to this wizarding school known as Hogwarts. Hogwarts is basically the Oxford of wizarding schools. To put that in terms my American readers can understand, Oxford is the Harvard of Britain. For my New Orleanian readers, Harvard is the Tulane of Boston, Boston being the New Orleans of Massachusetts. So anyways, this dude Harry, he's got a tattoo on his forehead which is how everyone knows he's a total badass. When his parents fount out about the tattoo they died of disappointment, leaving Henry in the care of his aunt and uncle. His aunt and uncle were fraggles, which means that they didn't have magicful powers so they neglected him and made him live in the cupboard. The cupboard is where I keep my Nestle's Crunch and other delicious snacks so you can imagine that it isn't the best place to raise a child. Eventually the Ministry of Child and Family Services caught up with Harry's aunt and uncle and took Harry away to live at Hogwarts. There he wore a hat that told him to go to Gryffindor so to Gryffindor he went. And then he met his bestie Ron and this girl dork Hermione. Oh also there's this other dude named Lord Voldemort who doesn't even have a nose, and as we all know not having a nose symbolizes evil in the same way forehead tattoos symbolize awesomeness and eyeglasses symbolize bad eyesight. So Voldemort and Henry don't get along too well, I forget why. It's not really important I don't think. So that pretty much catches you up on all the events leading up the latest and lastest movie, which is called Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I know that "hallow" is a traditional British greeting, but I don't know what a "deathly hallow" is. But I guess it's British or something, and they speak a different language down there anyway. Everyone in the book is British which I didn't even realize at first, so I had to go and reread all of them and redo the dialog with a British accent. So go do that if you read it wrong the first time like I did. The movies are cool because the actors do the British accent for you.

So anyways, about the movie... It starts out really sad because Dumbledore leaves Hogwarts to enter the exciting world of competitive bearding. In his absence Harry's nemesis Lord Waldemart takes over the Ministry of Magic and wreaks havoc on the Diagon Alley economy, forcing mom-and-pop shops such as Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes out of business. To make matters worse, rumors of insolvency lead to a run on Gringotts, which as the only bank in the wizarding world was thought to be "too big to fail". Unfortunately, this proves to be incorrect and the entire wizarding world is thrown into a severe recession. Waldemart uses the recession as an pretext to institute sweeping austerity measures. Deep cuts to MagiCare lead to St. Mungo's being effectively shut down. Hundreds of owls are laid off from the post office. Much needed improvements to the outdated Hogwarts Express are rejected in favor of renovations to Malfoy Manor. Millions of pounds of taxpayer money are siphoned off to Waldemart's corporate donors in Knockturn Alley while Hogsmeade lies crumbling and blighted. Digusted by Waldemart's incompetent and corrupt leadership and distraught at Britain's bleak prospects, the students of Hogwarts finally decide that they have had enough and begin to riot. From Tottenham to Hogsmeade, Harry and his friends burn and loot with an untamed ferocity not seen in generations. Things reach a climax at the Battle of Hogwarts, where Harry defeats Voldemort once and for all. The Labour Party is put back in power and wizards and muggles alike live happily ever after. The end. Oh, and there was some subplot with these things called horcruxes or whatever, but I couldn't really follow it. I don't think it was important anyway.

The movie was pretty cool I guess. I would have liked it a lot better if I was in it. I actually landed the role of the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor because the producer was so impressed by my performance in Kazaam. J.K. Rowling herself admitted that Kazaam was the inspiration for the entire Harry Potter series. Unfortunately my scenes were cut from the final version due to time constraints. Their loss. But you lucky readers get a Heatblog exclusive! Here are some pics of me on set:


Panic on the streets of London/ Panic in the cells of Azkaban/
I wonder to myself/ could life ever be sane again?/
the Hogsmeade streets that you slip down...
Burn down the Burrow/ Hang the blessed Weasleys
 


Harry Potter and the S'mores of AzKazaam

Trumpty Dumpty

Man y'all heard of that reality TV star/quadruple bankruptee Donald Trump and how he was supposably gonna run for President? Democrats were excited about his candidacy because a Trump victory in the Republican primary would all but assure an Obama victory in the 2012 presidential election and Republicans were excited about his candidacy because, well, they're Republicans and frankly nothing they think or do should surprise anyone anymore. Unfortunately he's decided to not run after all. As a fan of train wrecks and public humiliation, I'm a bit disappointed. But I can't figure out any rational reason why Trump thought he had even a sliver of a chance in the first place. He's repulsive in every way. Who thought running him was a good idea? Let's see, unemployment is one of the country's biggest problems, so who do we get to run for president? Ooh, I know, someone whose catch phrase is "You're Fired". That'll really resonate with the American people. Might as well get that crazy dude from Iran to run. What's his name, Mahmoud Ammaneedajob? Yeah, him.

Notorious O.B.L.

Aww shit y'all heard of this dude Osama bin Laden? That's the dude what was the most wanted man in the world for like 15 years or some such. Anyways just the other day the U.S. done kilt him up good, which you've probably heard about by now unless you've been living in a cave. Speaking of living in caves, guess who wasn't??? Yeah everyone was thinking that Osama was hiding out somewheres in Afghanistan but all along he was really just chilling in a million dollar, three story mansion in the middle of a bustling, upscale Pakistani city named after some British dude (who, however successful a military man he may have been, was perhaps the worst poet ever).

I guess it's too early to accurately assess the full significance of bin Laden's death. Some athletes are even saying that maybe Osama didn't have anything to do with 9/11, that it was all a conspiracy masterminded by the U.S. government. After all, 9/11 happened PRECISELY ON SEPTEMBER 11TH!!! Of all the dates Nine Eleven could have fallen on, what are the odds of it occurring EXACTLY on September 11th? That can't just be coincidental, can it? If Rashard Mendenhall and the Truthers are right then Osama's death shouldn't have much of an effect on the War on Terror. However, I take Osama's word that he and al Qaeda were responsible for 9/11, so I think that Osama's death will inevitably have a huge impact on the War on Terror.

So that brings up the question, exactly what kind of impact? Can we Americans finally stop pissing our collective pants? Will al Qaeda collapse without its star point guard/head coach? Who will replace him? Will this situation resemble this year's Cleveland Cavaliers, when LeBenedict James took his talents to South Beach and was replaced by Joey Graham, leading to a 42-game decline? Or will it be more like the San Antonio Spurs of the late 90s when David Robinson passed the torch to Tim Duncan, resulting in the Spurs winning 4 titles over the next decade?

Unfortunately for al Qaeda, I predict the former. Without its brilliant head coach/point guard, I just don't see any way al Qaeda will be able to maintain its dominance of the Islamic Terror League. There are too many other demented and unhinged organizations that would love to take over al Qaeda's role as the preeminent terrorist group in the world, including al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Lashkar-e-Taiba, Hezbollah, Ansar al-Islam, and the Los Angeles Lakers. Looking at al Qaeda's current roster, I'm struck by their lack of young talent and quality depth. Lately they just haven't been able to attract the top young terrorist talent in free agency. I blame this on their coaching staff's inability to adjust to the needs of today's potential terrorists. It used to be easy to seduce young recruits with the promise of a generous retirement plan, but you know Muslim youth nowadays, they care more about designer jeans and fancy iPods than 72 virgins and eternity in Paradise. The terrorists of today want to work for someone who can recite Nas, not the Quran. They want Lil Wayne, not Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. It seems that Osama learned this lesson, albeit a little too late. Among the documents Navy Seals found in his compound were rough drafts of what U.S. military intelligence officers have identified as "jihad recruitment raps".

Yo it's me/ MC/
Osama/ comma/
bin Laden/ I been plottin'/ hustlin'
Finnuh unite all Muslims/
Against these crazy U.S. imperialists/
I make a call/ to yuh all/ in all seriousness/
From Baghdad to Syria/
Beirut to Liberia/
Come join my movement, among the criteria/
is you can't be down with them whack-ass Americans/
We gots to take back our land and bomb all they garrisons/
Assassinate they public figures/
Then go and celebrate with all my Muslim niggas/

I just hope he doesn't come out with any posthumous albums.


...or posthumous terrorist attacks.

The Little Prince

Man y'all heard of these things known as Republicans? Since Republicans hate black people I figured it would only be a matter of time before they replaced Michael Steele as chairman of the Republican National Committee. But replacing him with some dude named Prince Rebus? Shit, I know Republicans hate democracy and long for a return to monarchy, but this is a bit much. The Founding Fathers must be turning over in their graves. They hated monarchy so much that they actually outlawed Chess. True story.

Shaq's on a plane

Aww shit y'all heard of this shit called airplanes? They are just like cars only faster. And more airborne. Anyways, last week that liberal blogger from the Internet, Ariana Huffington, made news for being detained by law enforcement after she refused to turn her cell phone off during a United Airlines flight from DC to New York City. Cell phones, as we all know, can and routinely do lead to horrific crashes when used on planes. How else were the 9/11 hijackers able to find the WTC if not by using their iPhones to Google Map the directions? Luckily, 53 year-old professional floor installer slash hero Ellis Beloduff was on board and able to defuse the situation by notifying a flight attendant of Ms. Huffington's sadistically reckless behavior. Here are some excerpts of him recounting his harrowing ordeal: "I see a hand in front of me with a BlackBerry ... so I yell to [the flight attendant], 'SHE'S ON HER BLACKBERRY!!!'". However the flight attendant refuses to take immediate action. Sensing that time is running out, Mr. Beloduff escalates his warnings. "She's still on [her cell phone] and I'm ringing my buzzer. And finally I said, 'What is wrong with you?' And I'm getting louder and louder." Still no action from the flight attendant. As the tension crescendoes, Mr. Beloduff realizes that the safety of the flight rests entirely in his hands. "WAAAHHHH!!!" he bleats, while soiling himself. This proves to be the decisive stroke, as the flight attendant finally gets Ms. Hufflepuff to turn her cell phone off, but not without first getting in a shot at our hero Mr. Beloduff. "He tells me, 'Calm down, Sir! I told him I was calm. If I wasn't calm I would have ripped it out of her hand!" It's nice to see that there are still brave men out there willing to put their asses on the line and threaten physical harm to people who don't assent immediately to outdated and arbitrary orders given by a bloated government agency. Bravo, Ellis Beloduff. You narrowly averted another 9/11 with your heroic whining.

This situation calls to mind the classic thriller Snakes on a Plane, with the role of Samuel L. Jackson being played by Ellis Beloduff and the role of hundreds of venomous snakes being played by... umm... one cell phone. That movie is one of my favorites. I even tried out for the role of Man Bitten on Penis. For my audition I had to deliver the timeless line "Aw, fuck! Fucking bitch! Get off my dick! Aw, fuck! Fuck." Unfortunately I didn't get the part, probably because everyone has me typecast as a rapping genie. Life isn't fair. I also tried out for the role of Paul, who poignantly asks what is one of the deepest philosophical questions in cinematic history: "Why exactly are there snakes on this plane?" I wish I knew, Paul, I wish I knew. I mean, why exactly are there any motherfucking snakes on any motherfucking plane? Who can really say? And who among us can honestly claim that there aren't any motherfucking snakes stowed away in the motherfucking overhead bin of our psyche? What I'm trying to say is that Snakes on a Plane is a very complex metaphor and the heroic actions of Ellis Beloduff have breathed new life into it. The snakes represent the incivility and sense of entitlement that is endemic to the modern liberal mindset. The plane represents a plane.


The phone poses a much greater threat than does the venomous snake.