Phin de siecle

Damn y’all heard of the Miami Dolphins?  That team is in turmoil fa sho ever since it was revealed that this dude Richie (yes really that’s his real first name, he’s an adult human male with the first name Richie) Incognito (yes really that’s his real last name, not a vestige of a stage-named porn past or something the FBI dreamed up as part of the witness relocation program, he’s an adult human male with the last name Incognito) has been hazing/harassing/tormenting/extorting his Fins teammate and fellow offensive lineman Jonathan Martin.  The Dolphins already kicked Incognito off the team so now the poor guy doesn’t even have a beach to take his talents to.  

People have been asking me if there was any hazing in the NBA.  There was a little bit of the veterans giving the rooks a hard time, but nothing like what goes down in the NFL.  I mean sure, there was this one time I urinated in ma boy Dwyane Wade's Gatorade, but c'mon, that was classic!  We were playing the Detroit Pistons and he asked me what a 'piston' even was, so I said to him, I said "SHEEEIT, I JUST 'PISTON' YOUR GATORADE SON OH SHIT BURN SON AH HA HA LOLZ!!!"  We all had a good laugh about it once he got out of the hospital.  Oh yeah, we went on to win the NBA championship the next season.  I don't think that's a coincidence.  

So there you go, scientific proof that hazing works, at least in the NBA.  I think maybe, maybe Incognito took things too far, but more likely he's just misunderstood, right?  So he called Martin a “half-nigger” which let’s be real, coming from a racist that’s really like half a compliment.  And so he threatened to shit in Martin’s mouth which let’s be real, coming from a developmentally arrested manboy that’s actually kinda sweet.  And then he went on to threaten to slap Martin’s mom across the face which let’s be real, coming from an irredeemably psychopathic asshole that’s actually somewhat considerate.  Hmm now that I think about it, I totally agree with the surprisingly large number of NFL players, sports media, and fans on Team Richie who say that Jonathan Martin was being a wuss by not fighting back.  

Yes, all you concussion-addled former and current NFLers and all you meathead athlete-manque Twitter warriors who took Incognito's side during all this, you are completely correct.  Jonathan Martin's refusal to inflict physical harm on a teammate is just another example of what so many of the leading intellectual lights of the Intertubes are calling the "pussification" of the NFL.  Don't you just love that word, "pussification"?  What a marvelous pejorative.  After all, what could be worse than a vagina, amirite???  What we need to do is promote the PENISIFICATION OF MURKA!  Back in, for instance, Mike Ditka's time you could unwind after a long hard girthy day of tackling your sweaty tights-wearing fellow man by filling a sock with ejaculate quarters and swinging it right in your secret crush rookie teammate's face and breaking his sweet trusting heart eye socket LIKE A REAL MAN WOULD.  If in the fevered attempt to prove your manhood you wind up forgetting your humanity, so what?  That's just medial collateral ligament damage IT HAPPENS IN WAR ALL THE TIME LOOK IT UP EINSTEIN.  FOOTBALL IS ANALOGOUS TO WAR AND PEPPERING THE INTERWEBS WITH PAEANS CELEBRATING LOCKER ROOM ABUSE IS JUST LIKE GOING ON A USO TOUR.  Man all this poissonification of the NFL is driving me crazy I mean dolphins aren't fish first of all.  USING VIOLENCE TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS IS THE AMERICAN DREAM, but we all know that thanks to Obama the American Dream is dead.  I HOPE YOUR HAPY LIBRULS.
  
The worst part of this whole scandal was when Obama got on TV and said that if he had a fat son he would look just like Jonathan Martin.  And then upon winning reelection Chris Christie went on the air to announce if he had a clone he would look just like Richie Incognito.  Not to be outdone, Toronto mayor Rob Ford held a tear-filled press conference where he affirmed that if he had an American son he would look just like Richie Incognito.  But then Rush Limbaugh outdid them all by announcing that Richie Incognito was in fact his biological son, which pretty much explains everything about this whole mess. 

Full disclosure, I actually met Incognito once at a charity golf tournament in Miami.  I could tell he was a disturbed dude by the way he was treating one of the female volunteers (and I don’t mean Candace Parker).  He was poking at the woman’s vagina with his golf club (and curiously enough, I didn’t hear any meatheads complaining then that he was contributing to the "pussification" of golf).  I’ve seen insecure men use all sorts of things as a surrogate penis but that was definitely the first time I got to check off “9-iron” on my copy of Surrogate Penis Bingo.   

Speaking of surrogate penises, Incognito’s SUV had one of those “Eracism” bumper stickers so I didn’t have him pegged as a racist but turns out it was just an advertisement for his racist website.

Nate Robinson comes out as first openly short player in NBA history

CHICAGO (AP) -- In a move sure to shock NBA fans the world over, an emotional Chicago Bulls guard Nate Robinson revealed that he is, and has been his whole life, short.  “I’m like 5’6’’, 5’7’’ tops,” Robinson tearfully admitted to a group of astonished reporters who had gathered near his locker Thursday afternoon.  “This has been eating me up inside for so long.  I knew it was time to be a man and stop living a lie.”  Asked when he first realized the truth about his condition, Robinson stated he had long suspected it but had hoped that it was “a phase [he] would grow out of.”  “I had my suspicions since I was a kid, looking at all the other kids, wondering why I was so different from them.  No one ever understood me.  Like literally, everyone stood over me because I was so much shorter than them.  Everyone looked down on me.  Like literally, they had to look down to make eye contact while talking to me, I was so much shorter than them.  At sleepovers my friends would all hang out in the pillow fort, while I’d be in the closet.  Like literally, I slept in the closet.  I was short enough to do so.”   

In an exclusive interview with Proceedings of the National Institute of Basketball, Robinson divulged more details.  In late August of last year, despondent from the stress of living a lie, a desperate Robinson attempted suicide.  “I tried to hang myself from a ceiling fan, but I couldn’t reach it,” Robinson candidly recounted.  “Then I tried to jump off a bridge, but I couldn’t clear the guardrail.  Then I stood on the El tracks hoping to get run over, but the train just whizzed by right over my head.”  The new relaxed, unburdened Robinson can see the silver lining in his suicidal predicament.  “[The train] did give me a free buzzcut, so I guess God really does have a plan for each one of us.”  Though life is often difficult, Robinson has developed ingenious ways to cope with his disability.  He shared his predicament with Chicago celebrity meteorologist Tom Skilling, who developed a state of the art device to inform Robinson of the weather.  Gushed Robinson, “I’m no longer the last to know when it’s raining, and that’s a big deal for me.”   

Robinson expressed hope that his confession would not pose a distraction as his Bulls team finds itself in the middle of a grueling playoff series against the defending champion Miami Heat.  “I know my boys in this locker room, on this team, we’re tight.  They got my back.”  “We love Nate, we know he’s so much more than just his height,” offered Bulls teammate Joakim Noah.  “He’s also his weight, speed, and jumping ability.”  Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau was supportive of his diminutive point guard.  “I think it’s great he came out.  The younger kids, this new generation, they’re a lot more open to these things.  And don’t get me wrong, I think that’s a great thing.  A great thing.”  Injured point guard Kirk Heinrich agreed.  “I don’t care if a teammate’s tall, short, white, black, green, [or] Jewish.  The only concern is ‘can he play?’  And Nate can play at times.”   

Robinson’s travails have hit home with fellow Bulls guard Jimmy Butler.  “I don’t tell people this usually, but Nate gave me the courage.  My dad was short.  Growing up, I really didn’t have any idea.  I didn’t even know what that meant.  But later my mom figured it out and they got divorced.  I didn’t have hardly any contact with him because [the divorce court judge] said that no short man could be a good father.”  Robinson’s brave admission comes at a time of increasing acceptance of short people.  “Nowadays a short person can walk down the street and no one bats an eye.  Some of my best friends are short.  Hell, my baby daughter is short, but I love her all the same,” stated Bulls forward Carlos Boozer, who signed with the Bulls two years ago after many seasons playing for the Utah Jazz.  “In Salt Lake, Nate would’ve been hassled.  They don’t take kindly to his type there.  The Mormon Church still considers shortness to be a sign of God’s disfavor.  So I’ve seen firsthand how hard it can be for people like Nate to feel welcome in society.”  Bulls small forward and native of Sudan Luol Deng, who has been hospitalized all week due to complications stemming from meningitis and a botched spinal tap, expressed pride in Robinson’s announcement.  “I come from a war torn country and almost died last week.  But when I see what Nate has been able to overcome, it makes me realize just how lucky I am.  He motivated me to play through the pain.  I knew I had to fight and represent my team.  I knew I couldn’t let Nate down.”  Bulls star Derrick Rose was unavailable for comment, as he bit his tongue five weeks ago and his personal doctor had yet to clear his mouth for speech.   

They call it the playoffs.  Perhaps it’s because, with the stakes so high, you can’t afford to take a play off.  Robinson understands this, and doesn’t shrink away from the pressure.  He has come up huge for the Bulls even while being under the microscope on this, the NBA’s biggest stage.  “The way I look at it is, you can’t spell ‘disability’ without ‘ability’”, Robinson astutely observes.  “The Chinese use the same character for ‘short’ as they do for ‘opportunity’.  It’s a blessing in disguise.  Only through adversity can we ever improve.  Yeah, so I’m short, so what?  Life is short.”  Short in stature but a giant of a competitor, Robinson is living proof that sometimes the best things do come in small packages.  Can Robinson lead his beleaguered Bulls to an upset series win against the Heat?  It would certainly be a tall order, but I for one am not about to sell him short.   

Rick Reilly contributed to this article. 

Ball is life

Aw man y’all heard about this gay dude was playing in the NBA all this time and he didn’t even tell anyone about it until just now?  That dude Jason Collins has come out of the closet.  He’s easily one of the tallest gays of all time.  And certainly he’s the best gay center in NBA history.  Seeing as how I’m the best straight center in NBA history, my fans have been hounding me to share my take on Collins’ announcement.  Of course I’m proud of Collins and impressed with his honesty and courage.  This is the most momentous event in the NBA since Oliver Miller came out as the first openly fat player (prior to Miller’s emotional 1995 press conference people had just assumed he was 2 moderately sized small forwards).   

Throughout the U.S. millions of people, even those with no previous interest in basketball, have been remarking on the significance of Collins’ revelation, and rightfully so.  Jason Collins is now a trailblazer.  Well, not a Trailblazer, he’s still a free agent although I’m sure he’d sign with Portland if they want him, but why would they with J.J. Hickson and an up-and-coming Meyers Leonard already on their roster?  But anyway, you know what I mean.  Collins has placed himself at the vanguard of the gay rights movement, a beacon of hope to extremely tall gay children everywhere.  He is now a civil rights icon, with an impact that will echo throughout history.   

I just hope that Collins’ newfound fame doesn’t overshadow the contributions of the civil rights pioneers who came before him.  People often forget that basketball, having been invented at a YMCA in Massachusetts, used to be an exclusively homosexual sport.  Teams of sweaty men wearing color-coordinated outfits consisting of sleeveless shirts and shorts as tight as saran wrap, running up and down the court whilst showing off their ball-handling skills.  It truly was a sport for men.  Men’s men, if you know what I mean (I mean homosexuals).  It wasn’t until 1956 that Jiminy Carbunkle became the first heterosexual allowed to play in the NBA.  Controversy and conflict ensued.  Teammate Fat "Sweetwater" Lipton refused to take the court alongside Carbunkle.  Carbunkle was inundated with hate mail laced with such devastating insults as “woman lover,” “breeder,” “lady toucher,” and “breast enjoyer.”  On one infamous road trip through the Midwest, fans in Fort Wayne, Indiana tormented him by throwing novelty rubber vaginas at him during the pre-game introductions.  Things got even worse in St. Louis, where a group of heterophobic pastors demanded that Carbunkle undergo aversion therapy to cure him of his heterosexual affliction.  It was only St. Louis star power forward Lavender Dempsey’s timely intervention that convinced the enraged crowd of straight-hating Baptists to let Carbunkle go safely back to his hotel room.  The press, as insatiable in its need to stir up gossip then as it is now, relentlessly hounded Carbunkle about his love life.  For his family’s protection, he had to hide the true nature of his relationship with his wife and child when they joined him on the road.  When asked, he would claim that his wife was actually his personal trainer and his 9 year old son was actually his dwarf valet.  Teammates “Jumpin” Whit Hogarth and Bruce Pepperton selflessly volunteered to convey the appearance that the trio was involved in a passionate, satisfying, and depraved polyamorous relationship to throw people off the scent of Carbunkle’s heterosexuality, but Carbunkle nobly refused to live a lie.  His career would suffer greatly for his integrity.   

In the late 1950s there was a pernicious yet regrettably widespread belief that the sweat of heterosexuals caused gay people to develop cancer.  Carbunkle was forced to play wearing a full body wetsuit lest he sweat his fellow players into an early grave.  The bulkiness of the suit severely hindered Carbunkle’s usefulness on the court and his career prematurely fizzled out.  His last appearance was Game 6 of the 1963 NBA Finals in which he played 2 minutes, amassing 0 points, 0 assists, and 2 death threats.  The next year a team of nuclear physicists at MIT demonstrated that the perspiration of heterosexual humans was harmless to gay mice.  After a decade of trials on humans, the destructive rumor was finally put to rest, much too late to help out Carbunkle. 

SeQuester GOP

Aww shit y'all I'ma have to take a break from all this Papacy related program activity on account of some doings going on up in the Washington DC.  In case y'all haven't heard, them folks in Congress done passed some kind of Sea Quest or some such.  Now I don't know exactly what that means since I'm not a genius, but it doesn't take a genius to realize that now is not the time to insist on drastic across the board cuts to the gubmint's budget just so the GOP can afford go on some cruise.  

I can't have the fejrul gubmint reducing its funding at a time like this.  Being recently retired I'm more dependent than ever on government checks to survive.  Life is already hard enough without the fat NBA paychecks I'd been so accustomed to, now you expect me to live without my Social Security checks?  That's cold, President Obama.  And let me tell you, doing the halftime show of the NBA on TNT doesn't pay shit.  

I get that Uncle Sam has to pay down his debt, but I don't think that eliminating crucial government services is the way to go about doing that.  If the U.S. really is way over its salary cap, can't we just amnesty the entire South?  Jettisoning the contracts of all those underperforming Southern states would free up cap space so we could sign some better functioning democracies with plentiful natural resources like Canada or Belgium or I don't know Steph Curry is pretty good too.  At this point I'd trade Arizona for Nicaragua straight up, maybe even add a conditional 2nd round draft pick to sweeten the deal.  How about releasing Georgia the state and signing Georgia the country?  

I just hope President Obamacare reads my blog and takes my awesome budgetary advice.  The gubmint would run a lot smoother if it was run like an NBA team.  In the NBA if you're losing you can't just decide to cut back services and expect to start winning.  Back when I was with the Heat, we had one game where our point deficit vis-a-vis the Lakers was out of control.  We were down by like 20 in the 3rd quarter, with a projected 4th quarter deficit in the 40s.  We knew we owed it to our children and our children's children and also all of Shawn Kemp's children to erase the deficit so that they would not grow up in a world where the awesome Miami Heat had lost to stank ass Kobe Bryant and the pathetic Lakers.  So what did we do?  Did we beg Yao Ming to come bail us out?  Did we implement an across the board 10 percent reduction in non-essential bounce passes and alley oops?  Did we decide to go without sneakers and headbands to save a few thousand dollars?  Did we eliminate food stamps so that millions of Americans would go hungry just to save a few billion dollars?  HELL NAW!  On the contrary, Coach Stan decided to not only continue his pledge to feed me in the paint, he actually increased the rate at which I received assistance.  As you probably guessed by now, all that Dwyaneane Wade assisted stimulus helped both of us get double-doubles and of course we came back to win 124-119.  Boo-yah.

Compare that inspirational story with what the gubmint tranah do these days.  I even heard a rumor that the Post Office was thinking about not delivering mail on Saturday no more.  Sheeit.  Can you imagine the outcry if Karl Malone told the Utah Jazz he refused to deliver rim-rattling dunks on weekends?  Stern David and Jerry Sloan would have straight Sea Quested his ass to the Bobcats but they didn’t exist back then so I guess some other scrub team like the Clippers.  The point is, Mailmen, no matter if they work for the USA or the NBA, need to bring their A-game to the court 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 48 minutes a game.  Except from July to November.  They can do whatever they like then, whether it be starring in a classic kid’s movie or recording a hit rap album.  

If I were a short black kid*

I am not a short black kid. I am a 7'2", 350 pound, middle-aged former NBA center and current actor/rapper extraordinare. So life was easier for me. But that doesn't mean that averaging 2.3 blocks per game over a 19 year NBA career and having a debut album that goes platinum are impossible goals for those short kids from the inner city. It takes brains. It takes hard work. It takes a little luck. And a little help from others. And technology. And littering your inane Forbes op-ed with sentence fragments. Especially sentence fragments. Because people who are incapable of writing a sentence with more than one clause are precisely the type of people who should be dispensing life advice to kids.

If I were a short black kid I would use all the technology at my disposal to become taller. When I was in 9th grade, I was barely over five feet tall. Can you imagine me becoming a Hall of Fame caliber NBA center if I had stopped growing at age 14? Well, luckily I took the advice of my guidance counselor (a learned white man, by the way) and decided it would be good for my future basketball career if I grew a couple of feet. By feet, I mean the unit of measurement, not the body part. I already had two of the body part. Like my parents before me, I was born with them. Anyway, with lots of hard work and dedication, and of course an assist from study websites such as TED and the Khan Academy, I eventually grew to 7'2". And thanks to the free online calculators my guidance counselor informed me of, I can also tell you that 7'2" is 218.4 centimeters. I used Skype to practice with other students from my school who also wanted to get better at basketball. When possible, my family and I got our food and shelter for free from Project Gutenberg. I "became expert" at Google Scholar and my drop step improved dramatically.

If I were a short black kid I would get technical. But not technical fouls. Coach would bench me for those. I would learn software. I figure most kids who want decent jobs just go to the decent job fair or whatever and the Wizard of Decent Jobs is all like "Do you know software?" and then the kid goes "Yes sir, I learned software on the intertubes." Then the Wizard would ask "What about homework tools? How familiar are you with those?" to which the kid would reply "Very, sir, very. I go to my public library everyday and watch relevant teachings on the interweb." Then of course the Wizard would give the kid a decent job because that's just how easy it is.

When I look at all the short black high school kids throughout our nation's inner cities, my heart aches. It saddens me to see an entire generation of black youth sitting idly by while their peers in Europe and China, the future Dirk Nowitskis and Yao Mings of the world, are growing taller by the day. If only they had my tenacious work ethic and nonstop dedication to becoming a better, taller person. Technology can help these kids. But only if the kids want to be helped. Yes, there is much inequality. But the opportunity is still there in the NBA for those that are tall enough to go for it.

*c.f.

I have an impressive history of mentoring at-risk youth.

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Aww man y'all heard of this thing called hockey??? That's this sport that people from Canada and Russia like playing. Being American, I'm not too sure about the rules, but from what I've observed it's basically a cross between figure skating and boxing. There also seems to be a racist subtext to the whole thing, after all it's essentially a bunch of violent white dudes chasing around a black object with sticks. So that prevented me from becoming a fan until I found out that there's this black dude named Wayne Simmonds who actually plays in the NHL! I don't understand why any black person would want to play hockey in the first place, but I still have to give props to Wayne Simmonds for defying the bigoted Gym Crow laws that have plagued the NHL for its entire existence. He is to hockey what Jackie Robinson was to baseball, what Flip Wilson was to cross-dressing, and what the DC Sniper was to serial-killing.

Now that the NBA doesn't exist anymore and all the best basketball players have moved to Turkey and Italy, I figured it would be a good time to cultivate an appreciation for some other sport and decided that hockey was as good an option as any other. And what better way to become a hockey fan than to plant myself in my La-Z-Boy and enjoy the NON-STOP ACTION AND HEART-STOPPING SPECTACLE THAT IS THE NHL PRESEASON?!?!?!?! My boy Wayne was doing really well, scoring in the 3rd period to tie the game up and send it into overtime (sidenote: I was really confused by this, but I guess NHL policy is to skip the 4th period in preseason games? Maybe the NBA should look into this. It would keep players fresh for the rigors of the 3 month long postseason). Anyway, no one scored in overtime so the game then went to a shootout. My boy Wyane (I will spell it that way from now on as an homage to my other boy Dwyane Wade) set up to take the first shot when, and y'all will not believe this, A MOTHERFUCKING BANANA was thrown at him from the stands! Yes y'all, in 2011, in Canada of all places, some idiot racist sports fan (Chris Moorhouse is his name according to police... the name is sort of ironic, isn't it?) threw a banana at a black hockey player. WTF? Oh, and before someone says something about how it's not necessarily racist and that maybe Moorhouse was just trying to ensure that Simmonds' potassium level was adequate so that he'd make the shot or conversely that he wanted Simmonds to miss the shot by slipping on the banana peel, let me remind y'all that, according to the 2011 NAACP Racist Fruit Index, the banana is the third most racist fruit, trailing only the watermelon and the unfortunately named negroberry. So there.

Of course I can't bring up Wyane Simmonds without also mentioning what he did a few days later, when he called renowned metrosexual and gay-rights activist Sean Avery a "fucking faggot". Avery is also a notorious asshole, even by hockey standards, so it may be difficult to feel sorry for him, but Simmonds was targeting Avery not for his assholeness but for the fact that he doesn't exactly conform to the narrow ideal of masculinity expected of NHL players. There are much better ways to retaliate against assholery than to resort to using hateful Kobeisms. Simmonds should have known better. And anyway, so what if Sean Avery were gay? I think that would be cool. He would be what John Amaechi was to the NBA, what Rob Halford was to heavy metal, and what Marcus Bachmann may one day be to presidential spouses.

Harry Potter is kewl

Oh man y'all heard of this dude named Henry Potter? He's the most powerful wizard since Gilbert Arenas. I love everything about the Harry Potter series. Me and Big Baby even dressed up as Fred and George Weasley last Halloween (this Halloween I am leaning towards being Fleur Delacour because I want to wear one of those funny Beauxbatons hats). I know all about magic, having played for the Orlando Magic early in my career, plus I used to be a member of the Order of the Phoenix Suns, so I consider myself somewhat of an expert on all things Harry Potter. I even reviewed one of the books right here on this very blog a few years ago. Unfortunately, since then I've been remiss in my duty to provide my loyal readership with the Harry Potter reviews they crave so much. The last movie just came out last month and I figured I owed it to y'all to review it, so here goes:

First, a bit of background for those unfortunate souls who haven't yet ventured into the Potterverse. Henry Potter is a wizard with magicful powers who lives on a fictional isle called Britain and goes to this wizarding school known as Hogwarts. Hogwarts is basically the Oxford of wizarding schools. To put that in terms my American readers can understand, Oxford is the Harvard of Britain. For my New Orleanian readers, Harvard is the Tulane of Boston, Boston being the New Orleans of Massachusetts. So anyways, this dude Harry, he's got a tattoo on his forehead which is how everyone knows he's a total badass. When his parents fount out about the tattoo they died of disappointment, leaving Henry in the care of his aunt and uncle. His aunt and uncle were fraggles, which means that they didn't have magicful powers so they neglected him and made him live in the cupboard. The cupboard is where I keep my Nestle's Crunch and other delicious snacks so you can imagine that it isn't the best place to raise a child. Eventually the Ministry of Child and Family Services caught up with Harry's aunt and uncle and took Harry away to live at Hogwarts. There he wore a hat that told him to go to Gryffindor so to Gryffindor he went. And then he met his bestie Ron and this girl dork Hermione. Oh also there's this other dude named Lord Voldemort who doesn't even have a nose, and as we all know not having a nose symbolizes evil in the same way forehead tattoos symbolize awesomeness and eyeglasses symbolize bad eyesight. So Voldemort and Henry don't get along too well, I forget why. It's not really important I don't think. So that pretty much catches you up on all the events leading up the latest and lastest movie, which is called Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I know that "hallow" is a traditional British greeting, but I don't know what a "deathly hallow" is. But I guess it's British or something, and they speak a different language down there anyway. Everyone in the book is British which I didn't even realize at first, so I had to go and reread all of them and redo the dialog with a British accent. So go do that if you read it wrong the first time like I did. The movies are cool because the actors do the British accent for you.

So anyways, about the movie... It starts out really sad because Dumbledore leaves Hogwarts to enter the exciting world of competitive bearding. In his absence Harry's nemesis Lord Waldemart takes over the Ministry of Magic and wreaks havoc on the Diagon Alley economy, forcing mom-and-pop shops such as Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes out of business. To make matters worse, rumors of insolvency lead to a run on Gringotts, which as the only bank in the wizarding world was thought to be "too big to fail". Unfortunately, this proves to be incorrect and the entire wizarding world is thrown into a severe recession. Waldemart uses the recession as an pretext to institute sweeping austerity measures. Deep cuts to MagiCare lead to St. Mungo's being effectively shut down. Hundreds of owls are laid off from the post office. Much needed improvements to the outdated Hogwarts Express are rejected in favor of renovations to Malfoy Manor. Millions of pounds of taxpayer money are siphoned off to Waldemart's corporate donors in Knockturn Alley while Hogsmeade lies crumbling and blighted. Digusted by Waldemart's incompetent and corrupt leadership and distraught at Britain's bleak prospects, the students of Hogwarts finally decide that they have had enough and begin to riot. From Tottenham to Hogsmeade, Harry and his friends burn and loot with an untamed ferocity not seen in generations. Things reach a climax at the Battle of Hogwarts, where Harry defeats Voldemort once and for all. The Labour Party is put back in power and wizards and muggles alike live happily ever after. The end. Oh, and there was some subplot with these things called horcruxes or whatever, but I couldn't really follow it. I don't think it was important anyway.

The movie was pretty cool I guess. I would have liked it a lot better if I was in it. I actually landed the role of the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor because the producer was so impressed by my performance in Kazaam. J.K. Rowling herself admitted that Kazaam was the inspiration for the entire Harry Potter series. Unfortunately my scenes were cut from the final version due to time constraints. Their loss. But you lucky readers get a Heatblog exclusive! Here are some pics of me on set:


Panic on the streets of London/ Panic in the cells of Azkaban/
I wonder to myself/ could life ever be sane again?/
the Hogsmeade streets that you slip down...
Burn down the Burrow/ Hang the blessed Weasleys
 


Harry Potter and the S'mores of AzKazaam

Scripps Don't Lie

Aww shit y'all heard the big news??? It's the end of an era. SHAQ DADDY DONE RETIRED Y'ALL!!! It's been a good 19 years, but I just felt the time was right for me to retire now. I'm an old-ass man, and it just isn't feasible for me to continually run up and down the court while having to support 400 pounds of body weight (pure muscle though it may be). My body was breaking down, and I wanted to get out while I still had some measure of good health. Plus I wanted to retire while my free throw percentage was still above 50. Also, and I can't emphasize this enough, fuck Kobe. The NBA should do just fine without me, as I've passed the torch to those two young whippersnappers Dirk Nowitzki and Jason Kidd.

Even though I've retired from basketball, I still feel that competitive fire within me. I wanted to find a sport that's just as cutthroat and intense as basketball, but slightly less physical. So my boy Jacques Bailly told me that competitive spelling is the way to go. I think I'll try to win the Scripps National Spelling Bee next year. I've already began training. Did y'all know that there's this NBA team called the "Knicks" and it's got a silent K? "Womb" and "bomb" are spelled similarly, but "tomb" and "boom" aren't, even though if you put a bomb in someone's womb and it goes boom, everyone involved will wind up in a tomb. Or a cemetary or a morg, neither of which I know how to spell. This spelling shit is way harder than it looks. At least I'm a better speller than Kobe. He couldn't spell "NBA" if you spotted him the N and the A. He never even went to college, you know.

My experience with competitive spelling goes way back to when I recorded the official song for the 2006 bee with Shakira. It was a flop, but then Wyclef Jean retooled it a bit and it really took off. Wyclef, if you're reading this, where are my royalties? You make a man want to sue your ass.


So be wise/ and keep on/ reading the dictionary
Oh boy I can see your fingers move/
you're writing the word on your forearm

Kobe Bryant doesn't care about gay people

Hey y'all, y'all heard of this dude Kobe Bryant? Chances are you have, since he's one of the most famous rapists in recent history. But what most of y'all may not know is that he's also a professional basketball player. It's true! In fact, I was once his teammate way back in the day, when I led the Los Angeles Lakers to 3 consecutive NBA championships from 2000-2002. People remember those teams mainly for my complete dominance in the low post, Robert Horry's clutch three-point shooting, and A.C. Green's legendarily impenetrable virginity. But we honestly couldn't have won those titles without Kobe's epic ball-hogging. It seemed like every night ESPN showed highlights of him setting some weird NBA record like most missed shots in a game or highest arrogant douchebag percentage or longest streak of consecutive games with at least one attempted rape. In retrospect it seems like a small miracle that A.C. Green survived those seasons with his virginity intact.

Sure, Kobe and I feuded a little bit in those days, but the situation was never as bad as the media portrayed it to be. I never viewed him as much of a threat because I was just so much cooler than he was. I have like 47 awesome nicknames. Shaqtus, Big Aristotle, Shaq Diesel, Black Leonardo, Shaq Morris, Shaqtion Jackson, Shaq-Fu, Shaq the Ripper, Henrietta Shaqs, Big Shamrock, Love Shaqtually, etcetcetc. Does Kobe even have one? The Black Mamba? Please. Kobe wishes he were black.

At this point you may be wondering why I am even bringing up Kobe. Well, it's because he's in the news again. Turns out that in addition to being a ball-hogging sex offender, he's also a homophobe. On Wednesday the NBA fined him $100K for directing an anti-gay slur at a referee after the referee had given him a technical foul. In Kobe's defense, a few years ago the NBA changed its rules to favor offense by prohibiting certain defensive techniques such as hand checking and rape, and Kobe, who was formerly known as an elite defender, has had difficulty adjusting. I'm not sure if the referee was justified in T'ing Kobe up, but questionable technical fouls happen all the time. Kobe definitely overreacted by calling the ref a "fucking faggot". (Pardon the language, but accurate reportage demands it. To the more easily offended members of my readership, read that last phrase as "dagning taggart") The NBA prides itself on its enlightened gay-friendly attitude, boasting many gay icons from John Amaechi to... umm... I'm pretty sure Isiah Thomas and Magic Johnson kissed that one time. That counts, right?


Simpler times

Anyway, the point is that Kobe's bigoted slur is unacceptable in today's NBA. We as a society should encourage our gay youth to follow their dreams no matter where that may lead them. Even if it leads them to become NBA referees. Corrupt, incompetent, out-of-shape, subtly racist NBA referees. A generation of bright-eyed gay youth enthusiastically following in the footsteps of Tim Donaghy, Dick Bavetta, Joey Crawford, and Bennett Salvatore... Wait. On second thought, Kobe, use all the anti-gay slurs you want. Cocksucker is a good one, for example. Fucking flamer is too, as it has KKK-esque connotations of using fire as a weapon. Gay-ass gayboy is a pretty good one too because it has the word gay right there in it like two times. Nancy boy isn't so good, since people will probably just think you're referring to the nickname of Larry Nance, who was one of the Cleveland Cavaliers' biggest stars in the late 80s and early 90s. The important thing is to make it crystal clear that gays are not welcome in the ranks of NBA referees. Please Kobe, it's up to you to lead the way. I know we've had our differences, you and I, but I'm not asking you to do this for me. Do it for that kindergartener in Topeka who would rather play with dolls than fire engines. Do it for that 11 year-old in Des Moines who combs his hair and brushes his teeth without being asked to. Do it for those transgendered toddlers in that J. Crew catalog. Do it for half the cast of Glee. Do it for all the gay children across America who deserve a better fate than growing up to be NBA referees.

The Sun is the source of all Heat

Damn y'all heard of this thing called the Sun? I just got traded to that team down in Phoenix!!! How about that shit??? Yass indeed!!! Man I'ma miss Coach Pat and ma boy Dwyane, but seriously y'all, this year's Miami Heat sucked. I'm glad I get the chance to play for a contender. Now I'll have a chance to get a 5th championship ring, which is cool since that's the number of fingers I have on each hand. Holla!!! I was thinking about discontinuing this blog since it's called "Heatblog" and starting a new one called "Sunblog", but then I remembered that the Sun is the source of all heat in this here planet called Urf, so what the hell. Plus I'm too lazy. I may not update this blog for a while, though, since I'm not sure if they got the intronets down in Mexico.

Sore Hip

Damn Chad y'all heard of this national basketball association of America known as the NBA??? The team I play for, the Miami Heat, currently has a record of 9-33. That's 9 wins and 33 losses. A winning percentage of .214. We're 17 games out of first place. Plus I got an injured hip which will keep me out of the lineup for 2 weeks. Man our chances of making the playoffs are pretty much dead. You might as well call us the Miami Heath. Oh! Too soon??

I need some Icy-Hot for my heart

What up all my illiterate fags?!?!?! How y'all be livin???? Sorry I ain't been posting in a minute or two, but I been busy with some marital woes. Y'all heard of this thing known as the divorce? Me and my wife is about to do that shit right quick. Man she was like my point guard, in life. She would always feed me the rock when I was open in the post, in life. But now I guess I fouled out. Or maybe I got called for travelling, or a 3 second violation. Man these refs don't know shit. They let Erick Dampier hack at me whenever I get the ball in the paint, but if I so much as breathe on Zydrunas Ilgauskas, I get called for a foul. I blame Tim Donaghy. There, I said it. Tim Donaghy, your punk ass just cost me my marriage.

Shaunie, please renew my contract. I know I'm 35 and have a bum knee, but I swear I can still put up 20 and 10 for the next 5 years, at least. CAREER AVERAGE OF 2.5 BLOCKS A GAME, BAYBEE!!! You know I can still bring it. Maybe I didn't do the little things to make our marriage work, like buy you flowers or frequently tell you how much I love you or give you foot massages or practice shooting free throws, but things will be different if you give me another chance, I promise. Baby please take me back. I feel like I just tore my ACL, in life. To ease the pain maybe I'll start scouting some local colleges for a new point guard. I just wish the NBA hadn't recently increased its minimum age to 19. Maybe I'll find someone else after all, but I'd hate to be wearing another team's jersey when I get inducted into the Hall of Fame. I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. Shit this metaphor done got extended more than the deadlines on my term papers back at LSU.

I just hope the kids take it well. Shaquette, Shaquilla, Dayquille, and Karmel, always remember: Daddy and Mommy love you very much and in no way is our impending divorce y'alls fault. Please dig that.

Offseason

Shit y'all heard of this basketball team known as the Chicago Bulls??? Fuck them. Man, can y'all believe that my Heat got swept by those scrubs? They don't even got Michael Jordan or Bill Wennington anymore! Last year we beat them easily, but I guess getting rid of Luke Schenscher turned them into a powerhouse. I'd like to see Luol Deng play a rapping genie in a classic children's movie.

Oh man I was watching the Spurs-Nuggets game and Robert Horry just made another clutch shot. I think that's like the five thousandth of his career. It's uncanny how good he is at making three pointers with the game on the line. I think he's my new favorite player because after he made the shot TNT cut to an interview they had conducted with him earlier where he said something like his secret to making clutch shots is knowing that his friends and family are still going to love him no matter what, even if he misses the big shot. What a complete weirdo. I bet Tim Hardaway is glad he never played with him.

Anyway y'all heard of this thing called the RACISMS??? Man the NBA is full of that shit four eel. They just released this study that said that NBA refs are racist in calling fouls. I bet that's why my Heat lost to the Bulls. Let's see...on my team we got me, and I'm black, ma boy Dwyane is black, Antoine Walker...black, and Udonis Haslem is so black that when he went to night school he was marked absent. Meanwhile, who do the Bulls have on their team? Andres Nocioni...white, Kirk Heinrich...white, Viktor Khryapa is all kinds of white, and Martynas Andriuskevicius is so pale everytime he gets an idea the top of his head gets sunburned.

Tim Hardaway doesn't care about gay people

Damn y'all seen what that dude Tim Hardaway said about them homosexual folk? That shit was straight igneous. I say if Derek Jeter can play in the MLB, then ain't nothing wrong with gay folk playing in the NBA. I'm ashamed on behalf of my team. I never thought that a former Miami Heat player could utter such hateful statements. I hope our fans don't get the wrong idea. The Miami Heat actually have a long and proud history of reaching out to the gay community. The scariest part of all this is seeing the latent hate of the average American sports fan be unleashed. Check out the comments to this ESPN article. Freaky, huh?

I don't see why an NBA player would be so adamantly anti- showering with gay males. I mean, shit, all team sports are inherently homoerotic. Damn Tim, I know you wanted to prove that you won't suck up to the homosexual community no matter how hard they try to shove their agenda down your throat, but seriously, get over yourself. You play a sport where teams of men wearing color coordinated outfits spend most of their time dribbling balls. There's even a position called "power forward". Maybe if we let gay men serve on the US national team we might actually beat Lithuania once in a while.

THE DEVIL IS A MOTHERFUCKING LIAR!!!!

Sorry I ain't been updating this here blog lately, but y'all got to understand, I just been too busy WINNING A MOTHERFUCKING NBA CHAMPIONSHIP!!! HA HA IN YOUR FACE KOBE!!! XDXDXDXDXD!!! Man we came back with four wins in a row after we were down 0-2. WHAT'S THE MATTER DALLAS?? IN YOUR FACE JERRY STACKHOUSE!!! Serves the Mavericks right for having a Cuban owner. We got a bunch of Cubans live in Miami and man they are annoying.

URSPRACHE YOU ALL!!!!!

Awwwww shit y'all heard about how my Miami Heat is going to represent the East in the NBA Finals???? AWWWW JEEEEAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Man I told y'all we could do it! Can't no one stop me and my boy Dwyane. The Championship is ours I tell you hwat. Dallas ain't shit. Who they got on that team anyway??? The only halfway decent player they got is Dirk Nowhiskey, or as I like to call him, Jerk Nowhiskey... OH!!! HA HA HA BOOYAH ROTFLMAO XD XD XD XD!!! Man that dude is from Germany anyway and we all know that Germany ain't won anything for a minute. Hasn't y'all heard of all them world wars that the Germans lost? TREATY OF VERSAILLES BITCHES!!!!!!!!

Plus they got a coach named Ovary Johnson. HOW YOU GOAN WIN THE NBA FINALS WHEN YOUR COACH HAS AN OXYMORONIC NAME??? And also, what the hell is a Maverick??? And why the hell does y'all got a horse on your logo??? What the fuck do horses have to do with basketball? Shit man, this ain't no Kentucky Derby. This ain't even no Kentucky. At least we got a flaming basketball on our logo, which is relevant to basketball because basketballs are the balls used when playing basketball. And also Miami is home to a vibrant and active homosexual community.

A Quick Joke

Man I'm sorry that I ain't been updating my blog on a regular basis lately, but come on people, y'all gotta understand that I'm really busy with work right now. I mean, the Eastern Conference Finals started the other day, so THIS SHIT IS ON!!! THE MAIMI HEAT AIN'T GONNA CENTER THEMSELVES! Plus Coach Pat isn't as permissive with regard to blogging as Coach Stan used to be. He blames my poor free throw shooting percentage on the onset of blogging induced carpal tunnel syndrome. But shit, everyone knows that I've been sucking at shooting three frows since way before the Internet was invented. Back then we didn't even have calculators or abacuses so we had to count on our hands... but in those days people only had 8 fingers, so we had to use base 8. And Aaron Burr's face was on the $8 bill.

OK, so anyway... I almost forgot the purpose of this post... IT'S STUPID JOKE TIME!!!! Based on an actual exchange betwixt me and my boy Dwyane:

SHAQDADDY: In which Italian city were palindromes invented?

DWYANE WADE: Was it Milan?

SHAQDADDY: No, Rome. Moron!

COACH PAT RILEY: If you two fucking idiots don't get back to practice, I swear we're going to lose Game 2 by four points.

WEDDINGS YOU ALL!!!

Say man y'all heard of these things called weddings?!?!?! That's when two people cleave together and become one flesh or something, kinda like Siamese twins I guess. Shit, I went to one of them things the other day up in my old stomping grounds, Baton Rouge. I tell you I run that town... in fact, the church where the wedding was held was renamed after me. It used to be called St. God's Church of the Jesuses or some boring shit like that, but they renamed it St. Shaq's Church of the Holy Crunch. Can you dig it!?!?!? The cool thing was that all the bridesmaids was wearing my #32 Miami Heat home jerseys and the groomsmen were wearing the away ones. Then after the ceremony they played some full court 5-on-5 cuz y'all know any church that's named after me is gonna come fully loaded with all the amenities one would need for some basketball related program activities. The backboard was made out of stained glass. Instead of cheerleaders, they had a choir. Instead of furry anthropomorphic mascots, they had Jesus. And instead of a shot clock, they had the Bible. Bill Walton even did the play-by-play. The bridesmaids wound up winning but it was bullshit since their high heels gave them an unfair height advantage.

The ceremony was beautiful and all, but there were certain times when I felt weirded out. Like there was this one time when the priest started talking shit about God, saying he was omnipotent or something. I don't see how God's sex life is a proper topic of conversation at a wedding, but there are pills you can take for that anyway. A church is no place for that shit, shit. And then of course there was the fiasco with the bridal bouquet. Immediately after the bride threw the bouquet, Dikembe Mutombo came out of nowhere and swatted that thing all the way back to the tables lining the perimeter of the dance floor. Then he started taunting the bride and wagging his index finger in her face. It was kind of rude, I suppose, but he had a valid point. Seriously, I know members of the Phoenix Suns who wouldn't have fallen for her weak-ass double pump. And then she didn't even follow through on the release. Plus she didn't put nearly enough leg into the throw, but that was possibly attributable to her being tired after all that dancing. Anyway the bouquet wound up landing in some old lady's soup. Not sure what that portends.


THIS IS MY HOUSE!!! Y'ALL GOT TO GO!!!

Yo momma armpits so hairy, it look like she got Luke Schenscher in a headlock

Man y'all heard of this dude called the NBA Playoffs? AWWWW JEEEAAAHHHH it's that time of the year again! Last year's playoffs was a big disappointment on account of me and ma boy Dwyane getting injured simulatamously. We wound up losing to the Detroit Pisstons in the Eastern Conference Finals. But I swear, this year I'ma take my Heat all the way to the NBA Finals. Unlike last year, we got a deep bench with the likes of Molonzo Warning, Antwone Fisher, and Jason Gilliams. I mean shit, who in the East is gonna stop us??? Seecely, can't nobody in the East stop us, not even King James and his Bible-thumpin' do-goodin' Drew Goodens. The Nets ended the season hot but I ain't afraid of Vince Crater or his bulemic dog. The Pacers do have that rookie what went to Grace King, but urrybody knows that EJ's quiz bowl team beat the shit out of them. The Wizards have been poo ever since Quammy Brown left. I guess I would be scared of meeting the Pistons again this year, but I honestly don't think they'll make it past their first round opponent, the Iraqi Bucks. I predict they go down in seven. Them road games in Baghdad is what's gonna do them in. The Knicks ain't even in the playoffs, so I ain't worried about them. So that brings us to our first round "opponent" (I prefer the term "sacrificial offering"), the Chicago Bulls. MAN FUCK THE CHICAGO BULLS!!! I ain't about to get scared playing a team from Chicago, a city that was named after what might quite possibly be the worst university in the country. Plus, they got a bunch of goofy mofos on they team. That dude Luke Schenscher looks like Napoleon Dynamite. He should just stick to tetherball and feeding llamas.


Can you spot the difference?

Ho dee oten doten day, fattening up our tapeworms

Shit y'all, I'm sorry I ain't bin posting lately but after seeing LSU play the worst game in school history I just haven't been feeling up to it. Damn Baby Shaq, why you had to go and get your ass kicked by some Hollywood liberals from UCLA? Where your tapeworms was at!?!?!?!?! Man all that talk about how hungry their tapeworms was had me feeling all confident and what not. Just look at this picture of Baby Shaq celebrating after the Texas game... check out that huge-ass tapeworm! I thought it was really nice of him to hold up a segment of his tapeworm in his left hand so it could feel like part of the celebration. That's what teamwork is all about. I figured we couldn't lose against UCLA.


Baby Shaq with one tapeworm in his hand, the other in his stomach.

However, from the very start of the UCLA game I noticed something had gone horribly wrong. Baby Shaq seemed out of breath and lethargic the whole game. It was as if the tapeworms in his belly weren't hungry... worse yet, it seemed as though there weren't any tapeworms in his belly at all. I kept on rubbing my eyes just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. Could it be? The biggest game of the entire season, and nary a Tiger with tapeworms to be found on the court??? Sure enough, this picture confirmed my suspicions.


NO TAPEWORMS! :(

Big Baby must have eaten one too many basketballs in the days leading up to the UCLA game. As I'm sure you all know, tapeworms hate the taste of basketballs. His tapeworms must have grown tired of his non-tapeworm friendly diet and jumped ship, leaving him tragically tapeworm-less for the big game. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming Baby Shaq. Coach John Brady should be fired and replaced with someone who has a better knowledge of tapeworms. It's purely up to the coach to teach his team about tapeworm maintenance. It also wouldn't have killed Brady to concentrate more on recruiting some tapeworms. HOW YOU GOAN WIN THE NCAA DIVISION I BASKETBALL CHAMPIONSHIP WITHOUT A BELLY FULL OF HUNGRY TAPEWORMS?!?!?! Don't you know anything about basketball? Back in my day Coach Brown made everyone eat shit so we would get tapeworms. We were the only team in the SEC whose starting 5 all had tapeworms, plus we had a tapeworm or two on scholarship. Of course they banned performance enhancing tapeworms in the NBA, or else I'd still be on that shit.