Westeros Baptist Church

DAYUM say y'all heard of this television show called Game of Thrones?  The Season 5 finale was last week.  Today is the first Sunday in a while I can't enjoy a new episode so I thought I'd write up a review of last week's episode so as to get my weekly GoT fix, so here goes... SPOILER ALERT ***Please stop reading this now if you don't want to have the next few minutes of your life spoiled by reading this.***  

Ok, let's start.  First, a disclaimer: I don't read the books (I stopped reading them as soon as I figured out they weren't Harry Potter sequels) so I lack a full understanding of the elaborate and somewhat convoluted workings of George R.R.R. Martin's fantasy world.  The frequent references to obscure Westerosi myths and prophecies go way over my head and most of the time I can't even keep track of who belongs to what house.  I think the ones with all the wolves are the Starks and there's this other house with dragons or wyverns or whatever but then this other house got stuck with a squid which sucks for them.  But I guess they have a monopoly on the lucrative ink trade.  Those notes sent by raven aren't gonna write themselves.  

The weirdest, most upsetting, and hard to parse part of the show for me is all the religions vying for supremacy in both Westeros and Essos.  The damaging effects of the various strains of crazy fundamentalism spreading through the realm was a point of emphasis throughout Season 5, and boy did things come to a head in the season finale.  Melisandre and her precious Lord of Light had been gleefully carrying out their Stannis Inquisition, but they went one auto-da-fe too far when they decided to burn Shireen at the stake.  I'm glad Stannis (apparently?) got his comeuppance for burning his daughter alive à la Agamemnon and Iphigenia, and it's all the better that Brienne got to play the role of Clytemnestra.

Meanwhile, Cersei was hoist with her own godbothering petard as the High Sparrow and his Faith Militant made her do a naked walk of atonement to the Red Keep while the rabble of King's Landing cursed her, flashed her, and threw, among many other things, excrement at her.  It was excruciating to watch and I couldn't help but sympathize with Cersei, but I suppose these things are expected when you give free reign to the Westeros Baptist Church to cleanse the sins of your city.  But man I gotta say those WBC protestors were a bit out of line.  I don't like incest either but damn High Sparrow Phelps you need to tell your peeps to chill. 

What's a 'shuttle'?  Do you mean 'dragon'?

Plus, what's with the Hodor hate?  What did he ever do to the Faith Militant?  For that matter, what did he ever do to anyone this season?  Oh yeah that's right, NOTHING!!!  God may not hate Hodor, but HBO certainly does.  I'm pretty pissed at the complete lack of Hodor this season (and for that matter, what's become of the surviving Starch boys, Bran and Wheat?).  HBO better make it up to us Hodor fans by having him on the Iron Throne by the end of Season 6.  

What's 'XMAS'?  Do you mean 'dragon'?

The Westerosi religious fundamentalists sure do have some weird hang ups with sex.  By my count, at least 3 major gay characters have been persecuted.  Ser Loras is rotting away in a dungeon because Olyvar's recollection of his weird Dorne-shaped birthmark was considered airtight legal evidence of sodomy.  The Lord of Light burned Mance Gaydar at the stake simply because of his eponymous sixth sense, which Melisandre feared would be used, Cerebro like, to unite all the gay Wildings into the largest gay army the world had ever seen.  Theon "Prime Time" Gayjoy had his dick chopped off and shipped in a box to his sister by the psychopathic pharaoh of Winterfell, Ramses Bolton.  The aggressive campaign of sexual repression conducted by the Westeros Baptist Chuch, coupled with the impending onslaught of the Long Winter and its attendant shrinkage, will no doubt make Season 6 the most perilous time to be a flopping Westerosi cock since the tyrannical rule of Daeclaerys "Knobslayer" Targaryen.  Gone are the halcyon days when the Starks could enjoy a leisurely outing in the godswood, just chilling while Hodor nonchalantly lets out his one-eyed raven for some fresh Northern air. 

HODOR!

At least the finale was an eventful one for my favorite character, Arya "Smarter than a 5^th grader" Stark.  She got to finally cross Ser Meryn Trant off her macabre grocery list, and in a surprisingly satisfying, grotesque way.  Most tweens would be too squeamish to dissect a frog, much less stab a grown man in both eyes and slit his throat, but nothing's too gory for our hero, Arya "Being Served" Stark.  Her eventual blindness was a bummer, sure, but I think next season will be an exciting one for Arya "That Somebody" Stark (I'm sorry but this paragraph was pretty much just an excuse to do stupid Arya puns).  

We also got to see the big reveal of Maester Qyburn's top secret science project, the resurrected Franken-Mountain,  It was a cool moment, but I can't help be a little bit bitter.  See, I tried out for the role of the Mountain all the way back in Season 1 but George R.R. said I wasn't big enough so they gave it to some Icelandic goon instead.  Then I tried out for the part of Ser Dunkin' the Tall of the House Shaquille, First of His Name, King of the Centers and the Sixth Men, Lord of the Double Doubles, and Protector of the Paint.  But George R.R.R. told me that such a character didn't exist, nor did such a house, and had I read the book because if I had I would know this, and I don't mean to be rude but Mr. O'Neal can you even read at all?  So that audition didn't go well I regret to say.  

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah, Winterfell.  Man, Winterfell is a scary place with the Boltons ruling it.  I don't know what Middlefinger was thinking when he decided that marrying off Sansa to Ramses was a good idea.  Speaking of middle fingers, George R.R.R.R. gave a huge one to his loyal fans by killing off Jon Snow at the very end of the episode.  I'm not too upset about it since we know "death" is not an eternal state in Martin's world.  My prediction is that 3 days after his burial Jon Snow's tomb will be found inexplicably empty by Melisandre, who will look at Jon up and about and not recognize him at first.  Upon seeing Jon's miraculously resurrected body, the former Night's Watch traitors will become his sworn disciples.  Even that asshole Olly.  Seriously Olly, dead parents are no excuse for being a prick.  Killing Egret was bad enough, but then you had to deliver the coup de grace on our beloved Jon Snow?  For shame.  But I suppose the Snow Angel forgives all, even killing his hot Wilding girlfriend.

Hot Pie will show up out of nowhere just because, and upon seeing Jon he will incredulously blink a few times, then tilt his head back and comically wipe his eyes, then put on his glasses and squint for a few seconds before shaking his head and finally declaring "nah, couldn't be..." and going off on his merry way.  This will be the first ever Game of Thrones scene to be accompanied by a laugh track.

Then King Tommen will visit Castle Black on some official kingly business, like to make sure the wall is zoned for castles or to check that the Wilding immigrants have all their papers in order.  He'll hear of Jon's resurrection but, having not been there to witness it, will flatly deny its veracity.  Jon will then invite him to touch all his cool stab wounds, and only after that does the king believe.  King Tommen will be thereafter known as Doubting Tommen and then sail off to whatever the Essosian equivalent of India is to spread the Gospel of Snow.  40 days later Jon will ascend to Heaven on the back of a dragon probably.

The Westeros Baptist Chuch will establish a religious holiday to celebrate Jon's resurrection.  It will be called "Easteros" and there will be chocolate direwolves and dragon's egg hunts galore.  Instead of carving stupid patterns into their foreheads, members of the Faith Militant will now wear chains with dagger pendants around their necks.  Failure to adequately celebrate Easteros will be punished by beheading.  And now my post has ended. 

Let them Ute cake

Damn y’all heard of this meal called lunch?  Back in my day kids used to eat that shit on the daily, but turns out that the compassionate conservatives in Utah have figured out a way to streamline the nutrition delivery system so that poor kids don’t have to eat lunch anymore!  It’s pretty awesome.  If your parents haven’t fully kept up their payments to your school lunch account, then you get to have your slop ladled onto your lunchtray, followed by a moment or so of anticipatory salivation, only to have the tray suddenly snatched out of your hands and thrown into the trash.  I’m not sure if the whole routine is punctuated by a school official pointing and loudly taunting the child, you know, something along the lines of “OH DAMN S.N.A.P. (is how your parents should have paid for your lunch)!” or “YOU JUST (didn’t) GOT SERVED SON” but if not then they should get on that post-haste.  Starving little kids is a good start to raising the next generation to be compliant wage slaves, but having them get used to being mercilessly bullied by authority figures will greatly help accelerate the process.  

Tom Perkins tried to warn people about the impending anti-rich people Cristalnacht but nobody answered the door.  Libruls led by Maobama have already made rich people wear Rolexes as an identifying marker (this generation’s version of the Star of David) so it’s only fair that to even the scales Utah starts some kind of Hitler Ute to make it easier to identify poor children.   

Phin de siecle

Damn y’all heard of the Miami Dolphins?  That team is in turmoil fa sho ever since it was revealed that this dude Richie (yes really that’s his real first name, he’s an adult human male with the first name Richie) Incognito (yes really that’s his real last name, not a vestige of a stage-named porn past or something the FBI dreamed up as part of the witness relocation program, he’s an adult human male with the last name Incognito) has been hazing/harassing/tormenting/extorting his Fins teammate and fellow offensive lineman Jonathan Martin.  The Dolphins already kicked Incognito off the team so now the poor guy doesn’t even have a beach to take his talents to.  

People have been asking me if there was any hazing in the NBA.  There was a little bit of the veterans giving the rooks a hard time, but nothing like what goes down in the NFL.  I mean sure, there was this one time I urinated in ma boy Dwyane Wade's Gatorade, but c'mon, that was classic!  We were playing the Detroit Pistons and he asked me what a 'piston' even was, so I said to him, I said "SHEEEIT, I JUST 'PISTON' YOUR GATORADE SON OH SHIT BURN SON AH HA HA LOLZ!!!"  We all had a good laugh about it once he got out of the hospital.  Oh yeah, we went on to win the NBA championship the next season.  I don't think that's a coincidence.  

So there you go, scientific proof that hazing works, at least in the NBA.  I think maybe, maybe Incognito took things too far, but more likely he's just misunderstood, right?  So he called Martin a “half-nigger” which let’s be real, coming from a racist that’s really like half a compliment.  And so he threatened to shit in Martin’s mouth which let’s be real, coming from a developmentally arrested manboy that’s actually kinda sweet.  And then he went on to threaten to slap Martin’s mom across the face which let’s be real, coming from an irredeemably psychopathic asshole that’s actually somewhat considerate.  Hmm now that I think about it, I totally agree with the surprisingly large number of NFL players, sports media, and fans on Team Richie who say that Jonathan Martin was being a wuss by not fighting back.  

Yes, all you concussion-addled former and current NFLers and all you meathead athlete-manque Twitter warriors who took Incognito's side during all this, you are completely correct.  Jonathan Martin's refusal to inflict physical harm on a teammate is just another example of what so many of the leading intellectual lights of the Intertubes are calling the "pussification" of the NFL.  Don't you just love that word, "pussification"?  What a marvelous pejorative.  After all, what could be worse than a vagina, amirite???  What we need to do is promote the PENISIFICATION OF MURKA!  Back in, for instance, Mike Ditka's time you could unwind after a long hard girthy day of tackling your sweaty tights-wearing fellow man by filling a sock with ejaculate quarters and swinging it right in your secret crush rookie teammate's face and breaking his sweet trusting heart eye socket LIKE A REAL MAN WOULD.  If in the fevered attempt to prove your manhood you wind up forgetting your humanity, so what?  That's just medial collateral ligament damage IT HAPPENS IN WAR ALL THE TIME LOOK IT UP EINSTEIN.  FOOTBALL IS ANALOGOUS TO WAR AND PEPPERING THE INTERWEBS WITH PAEANS CELEBRATING LOCKER ROOM ABUSE IS JUST LIKE GOING ON A USO TOUR.  Man all this poissonification of the NFL is driving me crazy I mean dolphins aren't fish first of all.  USING VIOLENCE TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS IS THE AMERICAN DREAM, but we all know that thanks to Obama the American Dream is dead.  I HOPE YOUR HAPY LIBRULS.
  
The worst part of this whole scandal was when Obama got on TV and said that if he had a fat son he would look just like Jonathan Martin.  And then upon winning reelection Chris Christie went on the air to announce if he had a clone he would look just like Richie Incognito.  Not to be outdone, Toronto mayor Rob Ford held a tear-filled press conference where he affirmed that if he had an American son he would look just like Richie Incognito.  But then Rush Limbaugh outdid them all by announcing that Richie Incognito was in fact his biological son, which pretty much explains everything about this whole mess. 

Full disclosure, I actually met Incognito once at a charity golf tournament in Miami.  I could tell he was a disturbed dude by the way he was treating one of the female volunteers (and I don’t mean Candace Parker).  He was poking at the woman’s vagina with his golf club (and curiously enough, I didn’t hear any meatheads complaining then that he was contributing to the "pussification" of golf).  I’ve seen insecure men use all sorts of things as a surrogate penis but that was definitely the first time I got to check off “9-iron” on my copy of Surrogate Penis Bingo.   

Speaking of surrogate penises, Incognito’s SUV had one of those “Eracism” bumper stickers so I didn’t have him pegged as a racist but turns out it was just an advertisement for his racist website.

Messiah Complex

Damn y’all heard about this judge in Tennessee what ordered a 7 month old baby boy’s name be changed from “Messiah” to something more acceptable?  According to Judge Lu Ann Ballew, there was only one Messiah in history and his name was Baby Jeebus, so to subject a little kid to such grandiose expectations is unfair.  That’s probably right.  Can you imagine the disappointment his mother would feel if little Messiah didn’t grow up to be the Word made Flesh and resurrect the dead and lead mankind into the promised land and preside over his eternal kingdom or whatever it is that messiahs are supposed to do and instead become a teacher or a lawyer or something?  Or, God forbid, a businessman?  Eww.  

Being in the world of professional sports, I personally know of a lot of athletes whose parents had high hopes for them and who projected that hope into their names, only to be disappointed as their children chose to become athletes.  Doc Rivers, my former coach when I was with the Celtics, was halfway through his residency in neuroplastibiolinguistinformatics when he abruptly quit to pursue a career in basketball.  Sure, he went back to finish up and can (and does) proudly carry the title of “Doctor”, but to this day his friends and family think of him as a failure.  My frenemy Kobe Bryant was named after the choicest, most succulent kind of beef, yet his flesh is actually quite stringy and gamey and honestly not even worth eating at all really, except maybe slow cooked in some sort of stew with at least two other delicious yet criminally underrated ingredients to cover for his flaws.  And don’t even get me started on Metta World Peace.   

Some might say the judge overreacted, but she’s right that being named Messiah would open the kid up to ridicule and bullying from his peers.  The judge was correct in forcing the mother to rechristen –uhh I mean rename her baby.  After all, being named Shaquille, I know a thing or two about names that get you bullied as a child.  That’s why I had my name legally changed to “Shaq-Fu”.  Now hardly anyone gives me wedgies during gym.  Also keep in mind this judge’s name is Lu Ann, which I believe is Appalachian for “chronic ringworm infections”.  So unfortunately she didn’t have anyone looking out for her when she was a child.  She just wants to make sure no one else has to go through what she and I had to go through.  

As a public service, Judge Lu Ann has compiled a list of names that Tennessean mothers should NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE give to their baby boys: Messiah; God; Stigmata; Adolf; Osama; Satan; Thad Matta; Francis; Pope Francis; Track; Bark; Trig; Algebra 2; Lindsey; Pope Benedict (probably just steer clear of Pope-anything); Ludacris (“Ludicrous” is acceptable, however); Jebediah; Mohammed; Mitt; Newt; Splat; Charmander; Willard; Rush; Reince; Erick Erickson; P. Diddy; Bulbosaur; Tucker; Channing; Bubba; Tim; Bubba Tim; Larry Joe; Jermichael; Jermetrius; Endojermetriosis; North West; Southwest; Lufthansa; Delicious; Johnny Football; Yrotagrup (“Purgatory” spelled backwards, for some reason this one is all the rage); George Arthur; Blanket; Snuggie; Prince; Prince Charming (you will get sued by Disney); Apple (you will get sued by Apple); D’Brickashaw; Herbert; Prescott; Lemuel; Vernon; Ferguson; Linus; Chip; Skip; Chirp; Burp; Mantonio; Piyush; Ho Lee Fuk; Bang Ding Ow; Sum Ting Wong; Wi Tu Lo; okay well this list is kinda getting too big huh?  

I guess the takeaway, women of Tennessee, is to stop having kids.  Just stop.  Don’t.  It’s simply not worth the hassle of potentially giving your child a name for which they may get made fun of.  This aligns perfectly with the government’s campaign to control every aspect of a woman’s reproductive system.  If women can’t be trusted to choose if and when to have a child in the first place, then of course they can’t be trusted to name the child.  I’d even go a step further.  I personally believe every female, upon entering childbearing age, should be issued a government-approved nickname for her ladyparts.  You know, something like “Ms. Thang” or “Princess Sparkles” or “Sasha Fierce” or “Easy Bake Love Oven” or "Shamesville U.S.A." or “STATE SANCTIONED FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE UNIT #223APC3023847500-2302”.  This would really help drive the point home that women don’t own their bodies.  Hopefully Judge Lu Ann Ballew will join the Tea Party, get elected to Congress, and write such a bill. 

Love, Shaqtually

Hey y'all, y'all heard of this momantic holiday known as VALENTIMES DAY???  That shit is today so if y'all haven't bought y'alls honeys some flowers and edible arrangements and stuffed animals and edible underwears and what not then y'all best get on that quickly.  I wrote my special lady a romantic poem, check it:

Roses are red/
sometimes.    

Shaq-Fil-A

Damn y'all heard of the First Amendment?  That's the one that says God hates fags.  But anyway, them liberal elitists been boycotting this fast food establishment Chick-Fil-A just because its President and Chief Operating Officer has donated millions of dollars to anti-gay groups.  So what if Chick-Fil-A is against gay marriage?  God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.  Marriage is between a man and a woman, not Amanda and a woman.  Whatever happened to freedom of speech?  If conservative Christians want to devote their time, energy, and money to making the lives of millions of their fellow humans miserable, then that's their right and of course they shouldn't be questioned or challenged in any way whatsoever because they are truly doing God's work here on this giant blue teardrop known as Urf that's hurtling around and around in space like a drunk driver, damned to eternally be in pursuit of a destination it'll never reach.  And also the moon is its sidecar, I suppose.  Anyway, the point is that Christians shouldn't be penalized for exercising their right to believe in freedom and Jesus and the freedom to Jesus. 

Now, some people might think that eating greasy fried chicken isn't exactly the most important part of being a Christian.  Might someone's faith be better expressed by accosting people outside an abortion clinic, protesting a soldier's funeral, or creating a profile at Christian Mingle?  Sure, but we can't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.  Even a cursory reading of the Bible makes it clear that God wants people to eschew the heathenous liberal abomination of hamburgers served at such dens of iniquity as Arby's and Five Guys, with their Satanic red meat and blasphemous horsey sauce.  Of course God wants people to eat mor chikin.  God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Beef. 

So conservatives are swarming into Chick-Fil-As all over the country, temporarily casting aside their impeccably healthy lifestyles in order to indulge their greasetooth in Jesus' name.  Good for them (I guess gluttony isn't a sin anymore?).  Maybe some liberals will want to boycott the delicious artery clogging holiness of Chick-Fil-A due to Chick-Fil-A's supporters raising such a fuss about defending "traditional family values", to which I say don't hate the dinner, hate the din.  Just because Chick-Fil-A is full of hateful bigots, that don't make the chicken any less greasy and fattening and therefore delicious.  By boycotting Chick-Fil-A, you're really just boycotting your cardiologist and liposuctioneer.  A better reason to boycott Chick-Fil-A is the horrible example their beloved cow mascots set for our children.  Their atrocious spelling is reason enough for me to forbid little Shaquilla from eating there.  Really Chick-Fil-A, how hard is it to find literate cows for your ubiquitious ad campaigns? 

Moo didn't build that!

 

If I were a short black kid*

I am not a short black kid. I am a 7'2", 350 pound, middle-aged former NBA center and current actor/rapper extraordinare. So life was easier for me. But that doesn't mean that averaging 2.3 blocks per game over a 19 year NBA career and having a debut album that goes platinum are impossible goals for those short kids from the inner city. It takes brains. It takes hard work. It takes a little luck. And a little help from others. And technology. And littering your inane Forbes op-ed with sentence fragments. Especially sentence fragments. Because people who are incapable of writing a sentence with more than one clause are precisely the type of people who should be dispensing life advice to kids.

If I were a short black kid I would use all the technology at my disposal to become taller. When I was in 9th grade, I was barely over five feet tall. Can you imagine me becoming a Hall of Fame caliber NBA center if I had stopped growing at age 14? Well, luckily I took the advice of my guidance counselor (a learned white man, by the way) and decided it would be good for my future basketball career if I grew a couple of feet. By feet, I mean the unit of measurement, not the body part. I already had two of the body part. Like my parents before me, I was born with them. Anyway, with lots of hard work and dedication, and of course an assist from study websites such as TED and the Khan Academy, I eventually grew to 7'2". And thanks to the free online calculators my guidance counselor informed me of, I can also tell you that 7'2" is 218.4 centimeters. I used Skype to practice with other students from my school who also wanted to get better at basketball. When possible, my family and I got our food and shelter for free from Project Gutenberg. I "became expert" at Google Scholar and my drop step improved dramatically.

If I were a short black kid I would get technical. But not technical fouls. Coach would bench me for those. I would learn software. I figure most kids who want decent jobs just go to the decent job fair or whatever and the Wizard of Decent Jobs is all like "Do you know software?" and then the kid goes "Yes sir, I learned software on the intertubes." Then the Wizard would ask "What about homework tools? How familiar are you with those?" to which the kid would reply "Very, sir, very. I go to my public library everyday and watch relevant teachings on the interweb." Then of course the Wizard would give the kid a decent job because that's just how easy it is.

When I look at all the short black high school kids throughout our nation's inner cities, my heart aches. It saddens me to see an entire generation of black youth sitting idly by while their peers in Europe and China, the future Dirk Nowitskis and Yao Mings of the world, are growing taller by the day. If only they had my tenacious work ethic and nonstop dedication to becoming a better, taller person. Technology can help these kids. But only if the kids want to be helped. Yes, there is much inequality. But the opportunity is still there in the NBA for those that are tall enough to go for it.

*c.f.

I have an impressive history of mentoring at-risk youth.

Marriage is gay

Oh man y'all heard of this state called NEW YORK?? Their governor is such a Cuomo that he just signed a bill making gay marriage legal. It's a remarkable development, one that will most likely lead to further gains in the battle for gay civil rights. Predictably, many conservatives around the country are complaining about it, claiming that by acquiescing to the immoral Homo-sexual Lobby, America has doomed itself to a swift and inevitable collapse. 

Conservatives are always silly and usually evil, so it may be difficult to take anything they say seriously, but they may actually have a point here. After all, Al Qaeda attacked the Twin Towers solely because they looked like two gigantic erections that were perilously close to touching. Only in a decadent, morally bankrupt society could such blatantly homosexual architecture be allowed to exist. America let teh Homo-sexual Lobby take control of our urban planning, and we paid the price. So surely we'd be safer by restricting gay rights rather than expanding them? If we turn ourselves into a mirror image of the Taliban, terrorists wouldn't think of attacking us again, right? This line of thinking may have its merits, but I think good ol' Ben Franklin had it right when he famously said, "those who would give up essential homosexuality to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither homosexuality nor safety."

The truth is that gay rights make America safer. Obama repealed Don't Ask, Don't Tell and a few months later, boom, we killed bin Laden. There's no way this was just a coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences. I also don't believe in dinosaurs, eskimos, or vaccination. Fundamentalist Islamists hate gay people, so Osama must've been terrified to hear that the U.S. was coming after him with a military full of TEH GAZE. I very much doubt we would have been able to kill bin Laden if Seal Team 6 wasn't made up exclusively of homosexuals.

With all that being said, I guess I do sympathize with the feeble-minded haters who want gay marriage to remain illegal. I mean, they're right that Obama is completely in thrall to the Homo-sexual Lobby, which is a problem because it's keeping him from devoting enough of his energy to the pharmaceutical, banking, oil, and defense lobbies. It's not like the Teabaggers' demands are irrational or excessive. They're just against Obama's huge radical agenda being rammed down America's throat. I mean, why does he have to ram it down our throat? Why can't he just gently and lovingly dip his wrinkled agenda repeatedly into America's mouth? Is that too much to ask? Maybe conservatives are right when they say that at this criticial juncture in America's history, we should be curtailing civil rights, not increasing them. After all, the Ancient Greeks were all about gay sex, and just look at Greece's economy now. Zeus created Paris and Helen, not Paris and Hellen. Wokka wokka. I know that's bad, but it's the best I can do off the top of my head. I'm sure there's a Uranus and Gaia joke out there somewhere, but I'm too lazy to dig for it.

Shortly after the bill passed, King Kong and his gay lover laid waste to New York City.

Scripps Don't Lie

Aww shit y'all heard the big news??? It's the end of an era. SHAQ DADDY DONE RETIRED Y'ALL!!! It's been a good 19 years, but I just felt the time was right for me to retire now. I'm an old-ass man, and it just isn't feasible for me to continually run up and down the court while having to support 400 pounds of body weight (pure muscle though it may be). My body was breaking down, and I wanted to get out while I still had some measure of good health. Plus I wanted to retire while my free throw percentage was still above 50. Also, and I can't emphasize this enough, fuck Kobe. The NBA should do just fine without me, as I've passed the torch to those two young whippersnappers Dirk Nowitzki and Jason Kidd.

Even though I've retired from basketball, I still feel that competitive fire within me. I wanted to find a sport that's just as cutthroat and intense as basketball, but slightly less physical. So my boy Jacques Bailly told me that competitive spelling is the way to go. I think I'll try to win the Scripps National Spelling Bee next year. I've already began training. Did y'all know that there's this NBA team called the "Knicks" and it's got a silent K? "Womb" and "bomb" are spelled similarly, but "tomb" and "boom" aren't, even though if you put a bomb in someone's womb and it goes boom, everyone involved will wind up in a tomb. Or a cemetary or a morg, neither of which I know how to spell. This spelling shit is way harder than it looks. At least I'm a better speller than Kobe. He couldn't spell "NBA" if you spotted him the N and the A. He never even went to college, you know.

My experience with competitive spelling goes way back to when I recorded the official song for the 2006 bee with Shakira. It was a flop, but then Wyclef Jean retooled it a bit and it really took off. Wyclef, if you're reading this, where are my royalties? You make a man want to sue your ass.


So be wise/ and keep on/ reading the dictionary
Oh boy I can see your fingers move/
you're writing the word on your forearm

Notorious O.B.L.

Aww shit y'all heard of this dude Osama bin Laden? That's the dude what was the most wanted man in the world for like 15 years or some such. Anyways just the other day the U.S. done kilt him up good, which you've probably heard about by now unless you've been living in a cave. Speaking of living in caves, guess who wasn't??? Yeah everyone was thinking that Osama was hiding out somewheres in Afghanistan but all along he was really just chilling in a million dollar, three story mansion in the middle of a bustling, upscale Pakistani city named after some British dude (who, however successful a military man he may have been, was perhaps the worst poet ever).

I guess it's too early to accurately assess the full significance of bin Laden's death. Some athletes are even saying that maybe Osama didn't have anything to do with 9/11, that it was all a conspiracy masterminded by the U.S. government. After all, 9/11 happened PRECISELY ON SEPTEMBER 11TH!!! Of all the dates Nine Eleven could have fallen on, what are the odds of it occurring EXACTLY on September 11th? That can't just be coincidental, can it? If Rashard Mendenhall and the Truthers are right then Osama's death shouldn't have much of an effect on the War on Terror. However, I take Osama's word that he and al Qaeda were responsible for 9/11, so I think that Osama's death will inevitably have a huge impact on the War on Terror.

So that brings up the question, exactly what kind of impact? Can we Americans finally stop pissing our collective pants? Will al Qaeda collapse without its star point guard/head coach? Who will replace him? Will this situation resemble this year's Cleveland Cavaliers, when LeBenedict James took his talents to South Beach and was replaced by Joey Graham, leading to a 42-game decline? Or will it be more like the San Antonio Spurs of the late 90s when David Robinson passed the torch to Tim Duncan, resulting in the Spurs winning 4 titles over the next decade?

Unfortunately for al Qaeda, I predict the former. Without its brilliant head coach/point guard, I just don't see any way al Qaeda will be able to maintain its dominance of the Islamic Terror League. There are too many other demented and unhinged organizations that would love to take over al Qaeda's role as the preeminent terrorist group in the world, including al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Lashkar-e-Taiba, Hezbollah, Ansar al-Islam, and the Los Angeles Lakers. Looking at al Qaeda's current roster, I'm struck by their lack of young talent and quality depth. Lately they just haven't been able to attract the top young terrorist talent in free agency. I blame this on their coaching staff's inability to adjust to the needs of today's potential terrorists. It used to be easy to seduce young recruits with the promise of a generous retirement plan, but you know Muslim youth nowadays, they care more about designer jeans and fancy iPods than 72 virgins and eternity in Paradise. The terrorists of today want to work for someone who can recite Nas, not the Quran. They want Lil Wayne, not Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. It seems that Osama learned this lesson, albeit a little too late. Among the documents Navy Seals found in his compound were rough drafts of what U.S. military intelligence officers have identified as "jihad recruitment raps".

Yo it's me/ MC/
Osama/ comma/
bin Laden/ I been plottin'/ hustlin'
Finnuh unite all Muslims/
Against these crazy U.S. imperialists/
I make a call/ to yuh all/ in all seriousness/
From Baghdad to Syria/
Beirut to Liberia/
Come join my movement, among the criteria/
is you can't be down with them whack-ass Americans/
We gots to take back our land and bomb all they garrisons/
Assassinate they public figures/
Then go and celebrate with all my Muslim niggas/

I just hope he doesn't come out with any posthumous albums.


...or posthumous terrorist attacks.

Kobe Bryant doesn't care about gay people

Hey y'all, y'all heard of this dude Kobe Bryant? Chances are you have, since he's one of the most famous rapists in recent history. But what most of y'all may not know is that he's also a professional basketball player. It's true! In fact, I was once his teammate way back in the day, when I led the Los Angeles Lakers to 3 consecutive NBA championships from 2000-2002. People remember those teams mainly for my complete dominance in the low post, Robert Horry's clutch three-point shooting, and A.C. Green's legendarily impenetrable virginity. But we honestly couldn't have won those titles without Kobe's epic ball-hogging. It seemed like every night ESPN showed highlights of him setting some weird NBA record like most missed shots in a game or highest arrogant douchebag percentage or longest streak of consecutive games with at least one attempted rape. In retrospect it seems like a small miracle that A.C. Green survived those seasons with his virginity intact.

Sure, Kobe and I feuded a little bit in those days, but the situation was never as bad as the media portrayed it to be. I never viewed him as much of a threat because I was just so much cooler than he was. I have like 47 awesome nicknames. Shaqtus, Big Aristotle, Shaq Diesel, Black Leonardo, Shaq Morris, Shaqtion Jackson, Shaq-Fu, Shaq the Ripper, Henrietta Shaqs, Big Shamrock, Love Shaqtually, etcetcetc. Does Kobe even have one? The Black Mamba? Please. Kobe wishes he were black.

At this point you may be wondering why I am even bringing up Kobe. Well, it's because he's in the news again. Turns out that in addition to being a ball-hogging sex offender, he's also a homophobe. On Wednesday the NBA fined him $100K for directing an anti-gay slur at a referee after the referee had given him a technical foul. In Kobe's defense, a few years ago the NBA changed its rules to favor offense by prohibiting certain defensive techniques such as hand checking and rape, and Kobe, who was formerly known as an elite defender, has had difficulty adjusting. I'm not sure if the referee was justified in T'ing Kobe up, but questionable technical fouls happen all the time. Kobe definitely overreacted by calling the ref a "fucking faggot". (Pardon the language, but accurate reportage demands it. To the more easily offended members of my readership, read that last phrase as "dagning taggart") The NBA prides itself on its enlightened gay-friendly attitude, boasting many gay icons from John Amaechi to... umm... I'm pretty sure Isiah Thomas and Magic Johnson kissed that one time. That counts, right?


Simpler times

Anyway, the point is that Kobe's bigoted slur is unacceptable in today's NBA. We as a society should encourage our gay youth to follow their dreams no matter where that may lead them. Even if it leads them to become NBA referees. Corrupt, incompetent, out-of-shape, subtly racist NBA referees. A generation of bright-eyed gay youth enthusiastically following in the footsteps of Tim Donaghy, Dick Bavetta, Joey Crawford, and Bennett Salvatore... Wait. On second thought, Kobe, use all the anti-gay slurs you want. Cocksucker is a good one, for example. Fucking flamer is too, as it has KKK-esque connotations of using fire as a weapon. Gay-ass gayboy is a pretty good one too because it has the word gay right there in it like two times. Nancy boy isn't so good, since people will probably just think you're referring to the nickname of Larry Nance, who was one of the Cleveland Cavaliers' biggest stars in the late 80s and early 90s. The important thing is to make it crystal clear that gays are not welcome in the ranks of NBA referees. Please Kobe, it's up to you to lead the way. I know we've had our differences, you and I, but I'm not asking you to do this for me. Do it for that kindergartener in Topeka who would rather play with dolls than fire engines. Do it for that 11 year-old in Des Moines who combs his hair and brushes his teeth without being asked to. Do it for those transgendered toddlers in that J. Crew catalog. Do it for half the cast of Glee. Do it for all the gay children across America who deserve a better fate than growing up to be NBA referees.

Auld Lang Syne

Yo what up y'all SHAQ DADDY aka BLACK LEONARDO aka BIG SHAMROCK aka FUTURE 2ND BLACK PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES back in the house! Say y'all heard of this thing called Twenty Eleven??? No, that's not my season scoring average followed by my rebounding average, that's the year what it just turned the other day. What did y'all do for New Year's Eve? I took my 7'2" 350 lbs ass to the NOLA. I know y'all might be wondering what I was doing way down there when I should be playing for the Celtics, but chill y'all, New Orleans is pretty much the Boston of Louisiana. Me and my peeps hung out in the French Quarter, which thanks to inflation is now worth more like 50 US cents. Thanks a lot, Ben Bernanke. Also, there were fireworks on the Mississippi River. And they were pretty. Very pretty.

Oh and check this shit out, some asshole from New York City called me and my peeps "hillbillies". For the French-speaking readers of my blog, that's "les Guillaumes de la colline". Can you believe that ish!? We're from the NOLA, where there isn't a hill around for miles and miles. In fact, I think my 9 foot 6 inch ass is technically the highest point in all of Louisiana. I should have posterized that dude, but then I remembered that violence doesn't solve anything. I'm just gonna have to take out my aggression on Kobe. Fuck that dude Kobe.

Juneau

Aww shit y'all!!! Y'all heard of this thing called teenage pregnancy?? Man it turns out that the 17 year old daughter of Peggy Palin is pregnant, and she ain't even married, yo!!! Man that reminds me of that movie I saw last year, Juneau, which was about this teenage girl in Alaska who helped herself to George Michael Bluth's frozen banana and got pregnant. Palin's daughter must've seen that movie and decided to emulate it. Man I tell y'all, no one is safe from the pernicious influence of Hollyweird's moral bankruptcy. So the Palins are saying that Bristol (that's the daugher's name) will keep the baby, but I have my doubts about that. Since she seems to take her cues from Hollywood movies, I expect she'll wind up giving her baby up for adoption just like that girl in Juneau. But luckily for her, the McCains have a history of adopting babyfolk, so I bet they'll adopt Bristol's baby and everything will be alright.

UPDATE: I just fount out that Bristol's siblings' names are Willow, Piper, Track, and Trig. WHAT A WEIRD FAMILY!!! So what does y'all think Bristol and Levi will name their kid? I've narrowed the choices down to: 1) Cedar; 2) Pikachu; 3) Frick; 4) Frak; 5) Krang; 6) Charmander; and 7) Levi Jr.

The explosion will be of extraordinary magnitude

Shit y'all, man, fuck. Finally we've recovered from our long national nightmare of terroristical aquateen advertisements. I had to wait a couple of weeks to post anything just in case the internets weren't yet safe again.

So hopefully by now y'all have emerged safely from y'all's bomb shelters. What happened in Boston the other day just goes to show how vulnerable we really are in this post-9/11 world. I knew it was only a matter of time before them Al Qaedans harvested the awesome terroristable potential of magnetic lighted extraterrestial cartoon character advertisements. I always suspected that Ignignokt was a muslamicist since he's green and green is Profit Mohammed's favorite color. I'd like to shake the hand of the hero who alerted the Boston police of the looming danger to our lives and livelihoods and the liveliness of our hoods. I'm pretty sure Osama has something to do with why the Celtics just lost 18 games in a row.

This whole ordeal has taught me to be more vigilant in my everyday life. I just noticed that they got all these blinking lights of various colors placed at regular intervals all over Miami. It's out of hand, almost like every block or something. Looking back, I seem to recall that they had those very same kinds of lights in Baton Rouge, Orlando, and Los Angeles. The terroristical threat is nationwide, I fear. We must put an end to it before it puts an end to us.

We smoke as we shoot the bird!

The true meaning of Christmas

Say y'all heard of this dude named Jesus??? We finnuh celebrate ya boy's birthday in a couple of days. I hope that y'all don't succumb to the crass commercialization rampant in our society these days and forget the true meaning of Christmas.


Baby Jesus doesn't want us to have to go around Cape Horn when shipping goods between the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans.

Opera

Say y'all heard of this thing called opera? I decided to finally get some culture in my life so last night I went to the opera for the first time to see Die Fledermaus. I should sue the opera for false advertising. The fledermaus didn't even die! What a ripoff!!!

Valentin Blues Ivanov

Shit y'all heard of this thing called the World Cup? Man so many people is watching that shit that no one even cared about us winning the NBA Championship. Since the finals is over I've finally had the time to start watching the games but man I gotta tell y'all, them referees need to learn themselves how to refer. All the games I saw had pathetic officiating, especially the Netherlands-Portugal game. Netherlands deserved to lose for not playing Rude van Nistelrooy, but stil that Russian referee Valentin Ivanov was poo. That dude Figo head-butted that other dude and didn't even get a red card. And then, as if to justify it, Luiz Felipe Scolari so usefully pointed out "Jesus Christ said he would turn the other cheek but Figo is not Jesus Christ". Man there's no need to bring Jesus Christ into all this. But I wonder if Mr. Christ were alive today, what country would he play for? Israel I guess, but maybe with all that Roman Empire shit, he could play for Italy? Italy could have used his ass today, the only reason they won was because of fecal officiating. Or maybe Jesus would immigrate to the U.S. and play for our national team? He's probably better than Landon Donovan anyway. Another interesting question is what club team would Jesus play for? PSV Eindhoven or Anderlecht, I bet. Any team with him on it would automatically be the favorite to win the Champions League. Jesus is the Michael Jordan of soccer.

Yo momma armpits so hairy, it look like she got Luke Schenscher in a headlock

Man y'all heard of this dude called the NBA Playoffs? AWWWW JEEEAAAHHHH it's that time of the year again! Last year's playoffs was a big disappointment on account of me and ma boy Dwyane getting injured simulatamously. We wound up losing to the Detroit Pisstons in the Eastern Conference Finals. But I swear, this year I'ma take my Heat all the way to the NBA Finals. Unlike last year, we got a deep bench with the likes of Molonzo Warning, Antwone Fisher, and Jason Gilliams. I mean shit, who in the East is gonna stop us??? Seecely, can't nobody in the East stop us, not even King James and his Bible-thumpin' do-goodin' Drew Goodens. The Nets ended the season hot but I ain't afraid of Vince Crater or his bulemic dog. The Pacers do have that rookie what went to Grace King, but urrybody knows that EJ's quiz bowl team beat the shit out of them. The Wizards have been poo ever since Quammy Brown left. I guess I would be scared of meeting the Pistons again this year, but I honestly don't think they'll make it past their first round opponent, the Iraqi Bucks. I predict they go down in seven. Them road games in Baghdad is what's gonna do them in. The Knicks ain't even in the playoffs, so I ain't worried about them. So that brings us to our first round "opponent" (I prefer the term "sacrificial offering"), the Chicago Bulls. MAN FUCK THE CHICAGO BULLS!!! I ain't about to get scared playing a team from Chicago, a city that was named after what might quite possibly be the worst university in the country. Plus, they got a bunch of goofy mofos on they team. That dude Luke Schenscher looks like Napoleon Dynamite. He should just stick to tetherball and feeding llamas.


Can you spot the difference?

I <3 Sasha Cohen!!!

Oh man y'all heard of the 2006 Winter Olympics in Taurino??? I didn't even know it was winter in Italy. But shit, did y'all see them ladies skating their figures all over the ice rink? Man I tell you Alexandra Cohen has got it going on! I didn't even know she was such a good skater; I primarily remembered her as the girl who taught Prednint George how to use a cell phone at the 2002 winter games in Salt Lake City.


Still struggling with normal phones...

I also remember Sasha from her work with the National Cattlemen's Beef Association. She used to be the NCBA's spokesteen as part of its campaign to brainwash/convince teenage girls to eat more beef.


"Beef is part of my routine"~ Sasha Cohen

Sasha is definitely one of those girls you look at and immediately think "GODDAMN she must eat plenty of beef!". Eating beef is the only thing you really need to do in order to become a beautiful Olympic figure skater. I will pass along this wisdom to little Shaquilla since she so looks up to Sasha.


Sasha preparing some sort of pureed beef dish

It's too bad Sasha lost the gold medal to Shizuka Arakawa. Rigged!!! Now instead of the Olympics being a "boon to beef" it'll be a boon to sushi or some other unpatriotic liberal meat product. I say the media was just very desirous of seeing a Japanese figure skater do well in the Olympics so that their claims that Japaneses are being denied opportunity can be validated. Thus the contemptible identity politics so routinely embraced by liberals rears its ugly head and ruins yet another sporting event. This is worse than the time they wouldn’t let the Miami Heat participate in the Special Olympics.

I ain't never metaphor I didn't like

"Dang it, push or pull?!?! Hmm, could be automatic..."

Shit yo, y'all heard of these things called metaphors? Cats (by cats I mean people) can employ all that fancy-type figure of speech shit to illustrate the similarities between two ostensibly dissimilar things. Like maybe this picture is a metaphor for the Global War on Terror. The double doors are al-Qaeda... all Presdint George need do is open them to usher in a period of eternal peace and liberty freedoms. But wait a sec, what's this??? Oh no, the doors won't budge!!! Why could this be?!?! Could it be because the door handles are actually loathsome obstructionist liberals who deviously plot to hinder George's valiant crusade at every turn??? These locked handles, with their blame-America-first attitude and utter lack of patriotism, pose as great a threat to the American way of life as do the doors to which their traitorous visages are bolted. It may well be time to smear menstrual blood on the door handles, or at least place electrodes on their keyholes.