Competition

Man, y'all heard that former NBA-great Dominique Wilkins has a blog now as well? Shit, just when I thought I was the only baller blogger. It's cool, though, 'cause I welcome the competition. Pretty soon the Intronet will consist of nothing but former and current NBA players' blogs. And lots of hardcore gay porn. Well, anyways, the address of his site is www.dominiquewilkins.blogspot.com. It's a pretty great place to get the latest developments in the world of salsa. Go visit and give him some pointers.

The rice pilaf defense

Yo, y'all heard of all this controversy regarding that one Senatorial cat from Illannoy? Man that dude Dick Turban be hating himself some America. President George is kind enough to send a lucky group of terrists to summer camp in beautiful, sun drenched Cuba, and this is the thanks he gets? Amnesty International and the Democrats have a skewed definition of torture. Oh no, I accidentally left the air conditioner on 65 when I know you like it better in the 70s! Torture!!! Whoops, we're out of Diet Coke, will a normal Coke do? Torture!!! Heavens, your lemonade has too much ice in it! Torture!!!! Boo hoo, you're being sodomized with a glow stick! Torture!!! Oh, you've been chained by your wrists to the ceiling of your cell and left there to die! Torture!!! What a bunch of crybaby liberals.

And even if our treatment of the terrists did escalate beyond the level of normal frat hi-jinks (which it didn't and never will), so what? They shoulda thought about that before they let people with the same skin color as them fly planes into them buildings we used to have up North. Nine elevens changed everything. Now we need to improve our intelligence, which is why George came up with the plan to ship all the smartest terrists to Guyanamanato so they could help tutor our troops. But sometimes those terrists is too busy playing soccer or boogie-boarding or praying, and they don't feel like improving our military intelligence. Well that's when we gots to give them an incentive. When I was little and my mom wanted to get me to study, she would routinely place electrodes on my genitals and beat me to death, all the while smearing my face with undergarments soaked in menstrual blood. And you know what? I got a 33 on the ACT. Similarly, forcing the tourists to defecate on themselves will ensure that they are able to provide more intelligence to Our Troops. Thus, our troops will do better on the LSAT than al Qaeda. They'll get to go to better law schools and make more money, and then at the War on Terror 25 year reunion they'll be able to brag about it to all them poor-ass Camry-driving al Qaedans.

Well, anyways, the most important fact is that we feed our detainees so well. Back in their home countries, they would have to hunt for their own food! But at Guamtanamo they get sumptuous banquets consisting of lemon chicken, rice pilaf, and 2 kinds of fruit! Lemon chicken, motherfuckers!!! So what if we chained them to the floor for hours at a time without food or water? They got to eat lemon chicken!!! So what if they had to defecate on themselves and were going insane to the point of tearing out their own hair? We fed them lemon chicken!!! AND RICE PILAF!!! MOTHERFUCKING LEMON CHICKEN AND RICE PILAF, YOU AMERICA HATING MOTHERFUCKERS!!! FUCK!! You know what I had for dinner last night? A baloney sandwich! Y'all can torture me all you want, long as you give me some rice pilaf! I don't even know what the hell that is, but it sure sounds good! And yet Dick Turban be comparing us to Pol Pot. Talk about losing all sense of proportion. I've had Pol Pot's lemon chicken and rice pilaf. The chicken was dry, and the rice didn’t have enough pilaf in it. Senator Turban's rash analogy was a slap in the face to all those who have bravely suffered through mediocre entrées. I hope he is forced to make a tearful apology on the Senate floor. The American people should make it known that we will not stand idly by while our brave mess hall chefs are being slandered by the Demoncrats. Comparing the culinary masterpieces of our military chefs to the bland gruel offered up by the Nazis is beyond the pale. We cook better than the Nazis!!! We have more courses, provide cleaner silverware, use only free-range chicken, avoid all genetically modified produce, and offer low-carb options in case there are any terrists on the Atkins diet. Senator Turban may as well be wearing a turban, with all the America hating he engages in.

Carl Everett, Philosopher

Yo y'all heard of this dude Carl Everett? He plays for my favorite baseball team. Yes, that's right, he is a Chicago White Sock. Anyways that cat is like the Shaq of baseball-- he is always full of interesting quotes. Such as:

~ "Congressmen are being idiots."

~ "Biblically, there's no mention of dinosaurs."

~ "Every year they come out with a different dinosaur movie, so does that mean that that dinosaur existed?"

~ "You rarely see poor people kill themselves."

~ "Gays being gay is wrong."

~ "Nothing feels better than sex. Unless you are talking about going to heaven."

~ "I don't believe in being gay."

~ "Peter Gammons sucks."

~ "I used to like Rod Stewart. I like Rod Stewart's music."

Man if he starts giving more interviews, he may soon surpass Charles Barkley in terms of quotability. I'm not scared though, cause he's not even close to surpassing me. In other news, y'all seen how irrawaddy in the club is being beat by them White Sox? I hear that Frank Thomas is even going to come out with another book called The Conquest of Cool 2: How to Hit 5 Home Runs in 25 At-Bats.

Hoin' for the Revolution

Man now that it's the offseason and all, I have a lot more time to watch the news on TV. Y'all heard about this lady they got on the MSNBC called Norah O'Donnell? She's their White House correspondent, or "The White Ho" as they've recently taken to calling her. She's pretty and all, but her reporting lacks substance… and what's with all the blinking? I'm telling you, the blinking is crazy. Out of hand. So anyway, I'm watching her the other night, mesmerized by the blinking, trying to make sense of it all, when it suddenly hits me: Nora O'Donnell is really a member of the Revolution and her duty is to transmit critical top-secret messages by blinking in Morse code during her deceptively vapid fluffpieces. Being well-versed in Morse code, I was able to decipher the hidden messages in her latest report. Imagine how hard it must be to simultaneously process two completely distinct and contradictory trains of thought and communicate one train verbally while communicating the other through a series of precisely timed blinks. The woman is a genius and hardly anyone else even realizes it. Here is the transcript for Hardball with Chris Matthews, 6/7/05:

(What her mouth said:)

NORAH O'DONNELL: Our top story in Washington today, President Bush cut short his scripted Q&A session with carefully pre-selected reporters due to a tummy ache. It was widely speculated that Bush's achey-wakey was the result of an ill-advised bedtime snack. A Senior Administration Official confirmed that this was in fact the case, and that the snack in question was a bag of airplane pretzels.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Foiled again by his old nemesis?

O'DONNELL: Yes, as it were. But we should also note that this marks a significant moment of personal growth for the President. After all, in order for any given food to produce a tummy ache, it must be chewed, swallowed, and digested.

MATTHEWS: You make a good point. How will this affect his approval rating?

O'DONNELL: It's too early to say, but it's clear that the Democrats have no answer for this.

MATTHEWS: Now what about Howard Dean's comment that Bush "can't stomach the truth"?

O'DONNELL: Equating 'pretzels' with 'truth' is a typically heavy-handed and desperate ploy by the Democrats. Granted, the truth can be hard or soft, oftentimes it can be twisted, and it is best taken with a grain of salt, but ultimately this is a misleading and inflammatory analogy that will fail to resonate with the American people.

MATTHEWS: Yeah, that seems about right. Well, that's all the time we have. Thanks for the report Nora.

O'DONNELL: My pleasure. Thanks for having me on.

(What her eyes said:)

NORAH O'DONNELL: President Bush is a puppet of the exploitative capitalist ruling class! Down with greedy parasitic industrialists! Down with the fascist corporate state! They will soon receive their comeuppance!

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Foiled again by his old nemesis?

O'DONNELL: Old nemesis? Ha! We are a force without precedent. Our numbers are growing by the hour. With each slight against the working class perpetrated by Bush and his handlers, our strength multiplies. Soon our mounting resentment will need release. We will burst through the dam of tyranny and unleash a flood of retribution upon Bush and his cronies, the severity and ruthlessness of which would be heretofore unseen in the annals of human history.

MATTHEWS: You make a good point. How will this affect his approval rating?

O'DONNELL: Ha! Given the unspeakably diabolical plans we have for him, I'd say that approval ratings are the least of his concerns. Again, ha!

MATTHEWS: Now what about Howard Dean's comment that Bush "can't stomach the truth"?

O'DONNELL: Are you even paying attention to me? Are you so foolhardy as to ignore the power and scope of the Revolution? Do you not realize that you too will be subject to our wrath? Do you not fear the terrible fate that awaits you? Rest assured, Chris, when the Revolution comes we will not hesitate to mete out punishment to all those who enabled Bush's atrocities. Cowardly, uncritical reporters such as yourself should and will be treated on par with the maniacal murderers you helped bring to power.

MATTHEWS: Yeah, that seems about right. Well, that's all the time we have. Thanks for the report Nora.

O'DONNELL: We will not rest until the Potomac runs red with Republican blood and the gentle greenery of the Mall is bleached with the bones of Conservative dead! Thanks for having me on.

Fuck Detroit

Man did y'all see my Heat lose to the Detroit Pistons of Anaheim the other day? Fuck losing. Fuck the Pistons. The other day my boy Dwyane asked me what a 'piston' was. I told him, "Sheeeit, I just piston your gatorade!" We had a good laugh, but I don’t think he realized I was being serious. I think all pro sports franchises should add the suffix "-of Anaheim" to their name. I ran that idea by Coach Stan the other day but he didn’t like it. He said I should devote more of my time to practicing three frows and less of it to being stupid. But I don’t care, I still like my idea. I am proud to play in the National Basketball Association of Anaheim.

"This may take a few minutes, if you have a large blog."

That shit always makes me giggle.

Quran Quran

Yo wulzup yuh all??? Y'all heard of all this ish regarding Newsweek? In case you haven't heard yet, it turns out that several copies of the Quran were flushed down the toilet at a Newsweek office party. Riots ensued around the glizzobe when the Islamic world found out about Newsweek's blasphemy. More than a dozen people have died due to these riots, and Newsweek's circulation in Kabul has declined precipitously. I wouldn’t even be surprised if Ayatollah Sistani were to issue a fatwa against Newsweek.

The outrage surrounding Newsweek's desecration of the Quran reminds me a lot of a similar situation that occurred around 20 years ago. When I was a little kid I used to love the Iranian synth-pop group Quran Quran, who rose to prominence in the early 80's on the strength of such pro-religion songs as "Crescent Moon on Monday" and "Hungry Like the Wolf (During Ramadan)". However, they incurred the wrath of conservative clerics as their career took a slightly more secular turn with the incendiary singles "Human Images on Film" and "Save a Prayer", which radio stations refused to play until they recorded an edited version entitled "Save 5 Prayers". Even as Quran Quran topped the charts, a fatwa was issued against them in late 1987. Their career never recovered.

That brings us back to Newsweek. What does y'all think will happen if Ayatollah Itoldya declares a fatwa on them? Will it start a trend of fatwas being issued against every company that desecrates the Quran? That could cause a lot of problems for a lot of people. You probably wouldn’t realize it at first, but a lot of the U.S. economy is predicated on the desecration of the Quran. Most construction companies fortify their concrete with shredded bits of Quran. KFC feeds its chickens a mixture of antibiotics, other chickens, and Quran pulp. Finely ground fragments of Quran make their way into most of our domestically produced grain products, as well as many other food/beverage goods. Ever wonder what gives orange juice its brilliant orangy glow? You guessed it, Quran scraps! And of course I don’t need to tell you how important the Quran is to the toilet paper industry. So if you enjoy drinking orange juice and having a clean butt, you should boycott Newsweek.

Ode to Fussman

Please don't kill me, Evan and Moez!!!

Yo y'all, how's it hanging? I ain't been able to update the blog too often lately, on account of the playoffs. I love this game. But anyway, y'all remember everybody's favorite monkey, Fussman Rontrez O'Neal bin Urinesauce? Whatever happened to that dude??? I bin Thinkin about him a lot lately, so I decided to post this hastily thrown-together rap what I done wrote last night. Flavor:

Fussman where you be at?/
Cutest kitty in the world/ you best buhlee dat/
Kitty cat of many names/
Now my life just ain't the same/
Wiffout yo urine stains/
You were the original; better than Glonous and Blueprint/
Them fake ass kitties can't even hang with tha True Pimp/
You always kept it real even though you had no testicles/
With you by my side everyday was like a festival/
Comin' home at night after a boring day of Econ/
Grab a beer, sit next to you, and we finnuh get our freak on/
I can tell by your purring, I couldn't ask for a more grateful friend/
While we chillin' with our peeps Tamron Hall and Walter Jacobsen/
My main man Fussman/
You was more than a cat; you was like my husband/

Being single should be illegal

Yo y'all heard about that lady they got over there down South, the one what got her feet cold so she had to go to New Mexico? Of course you have. It was the top story on all the news channels all last week. Unfortunately, lately it seems interest in this story has been waning. The other day I turned on CNN in the hopes of catching up with the latest runaway bride developments, when instead they were covering some bullshit about some war that we're apparently fighting in Iraq or some election that's about to take place in some country called Britain or some unethical shenanigans that some boy named Tom DeLay has been up to or even some nuclear beef we got with Iraq's brother, Iran. But really, who the fuck cares???!?!?!? I mean shit, enough already, stop with all this bulljunk and just focus on what's really important! Marriage is the fundamental building block of society and has been so for 6000 years, ever since God created the universe. The burgeoning runaway bride menace is a mortal enemy of marriage because it flouts the time-honored convention which states that once a woman says 'Yes' to her beau she becomes his property. In fact, I would say that runaway brides pose almost as great a threat to marriage as the insidious Homo-sexual Lobby. The public needs to be informed of these attacks on the very edifice upon which our civilized judeo-Christian heterosexuous society was built. I think there should be a Runaway Bride Channel to help us keep up with the latest in prematrimonial ambivalence. After all, knowing is half the battle.

The other half of the battle is punishment. So, what do y'all think would be sufficient punishment for this woman? I think perhaps 5-10 years in jail and a six-digit fine would be fair. Also, she should be forced to marry her fiance. I don’t recommend the death penalty or anything, since what she did to marriage wasn’t as bad as what the Homo-sexual Lobby does. On the other hand, if it turns out that she was in cahoots with the homo-sexuals, then she deserves severe punishment. I'm thinking maybe transfer her to Guantanamo where she can be gang-married by military interrogators.

Of course, fully crushing the runaway bride menace will require much blood, sweat, tears, saliva, elbow grease, smegma, and various other bodily discharges on our part. I advise that we form Runaway Bride Action Squads in neighborhoods all across the country in order to anticipate and prevent any future runaway bride-related program activities. As Ms. Wilbanks has demonstrated, New Mexico is the hottest destination for runaway brides, presumably due to its proximity to Old Mexico. I am already working with the Minutemen to organize teams of civilian vigilantes to patrol the border and prevent the free movement of runaway brides into and out of these United States. Please people, our future is in our own hands.

Now I'm reading a book

Why? Like Mr. Clinton would say, "because I can".

Irony (Part III)

Rain on your wedding day. Acid rain. And you work for Dow Chemical. And also a fortune cookie specifically stated that this would happen. And even more also, Alanis Morrisette writes a song based on your plight. But you're not around to hear it, since you die during the ceremony. But not due to the acid rain, no, you die due to the protective anti-acid rain wedding dress you've worn as a precaution (see, you listened to the fortune cookie) which, unbeknownst to you, was made in a factory that also processed peanuts, to which you are allergic.

Oh I'm writing a musical

So far it's about the usual shit, i.e. Christianity, young love, and genital mutilation. Also, there's some music in it. Anybody have any suggestions? Should I even bother doing this? It's taking time away from other potentially more productive pursuits. I hate you all.

Irony (Part II)

Freedom isn't free.

Who will be the next Pope?

What's up, homos??? How y'all been living? I haven't been too well lately. I've been thinking a lot about the death of my personal hero, Pope John Paul Jones. Sure, his death was tragic, but what was even worse was the utter lack of dignity afforded to him during his last months. It was, in my opinion, cruel and sick for his handlers to parade him before podiums, balconies, and other public arenas when he was obviously out of sorts and incapable of functioning normally. It got to the point where watching him on TV in that state was like watching fucking Weekend at Bernie's. But luckily, just like Weekend at Bernie's, the Papacy will soon have a sequel! The election process began today, but the results were inconclusive. I’m not really all that sure how the whole process works. It’s all too arcane for me. I think at first each candidate has to gather 100 signatures and file a formal application with the Vatican City Election Commission. Then primaries are held to whittle the field a bit. After this, the pared-down list of hopefuls are put to a vote by all male landowners in Vatican City, with each neighborhood receiving a pre-specified number of Cardinals to act as Electors in the Electoral College. The number of electoral votes given to each neighborhood is commensurate with the number of Starbucks per capita. Then the Holy Spirit tokes up, filling the sky with a thick plume of smoke, and if the groundhog sees its shadow, then a new Pope is born. So that brings us to the question of the week: who will be the new Pope? Will it be:

Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria, avid tennis player and even more avid hater of homosexuals? He is considered to have views similar to Pope John Paul Jones. If elected he would be the first African Pope in modern times.

Oscar Rodriguez Maradiaga, relatively liberal 62 year old head of the Church in Honduras? Throughout his career he has worked on behalf of workers’ rights and debt relief. He is also widely thought to be the most well-endowed of all the candidates.

Charles Barkley, outspoken former NBA great and current on-air personality for TNT? His per game averages of 22.1 points and 11.7 rebounds make him one of the best power forwards in NBA history.

Claudio Hummes, Archbishop of Sao Paolo? If elected, his main initiative will be to build a missile defense system to shield Vatican City from any potential attack from arch nemesis San Marino.

Bill Gates, software tycoon and current Pope of Microsoft? He is really rich and lives in a big house.

…and finally,

Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, second most powerful man in Vatican City during Pope John Paul Jones’ papacy? Things are looking up for him; in fact, he is now the odds-on favorite to win it all. He’s also the only candidate with his own Fan Club. However, with such popularity also comes increased scrutiny. Much has been made of his checkered past, especially his membership in the Hitler Youth. There has been an outpouring of activist groups who have taken to the streets of Vatican City chanting anti-Ratzinger slogans. To wit:

Roberto Benigni, celebrity face of the Anyone But Ratzinger political action committee.

Declare the pennies on your eyes

Yo, how y'all been being? Sorry that I've been negligent in my 'sponsibilities to my flavorful readership by not posting in a while, but I swear I got a good excuse. I been bizzy paying my taxes. This is the worst time of the year, by far. At no other time of year are the gross injustices inherent in the American system of government so apparent as they are now. I work hard all year centering for the Miami Heat, so I certainly don't think it's too much to ask that I be able to keep the fruits of my labor. However, Uncle Sam doesn't seem to agree. Get this y'all... even with President George's task cuts for the rich, I still owe the federal gubmint $48!!! Can you fucking believe that shit!?! What an egregious violation of natural law! What a flagrant infringement on individual liberty! FORTY-EIGHT OF MY HARD EARNED DOLLARS going to build infrastructure in rural Kentucky or provide lifesaving medical care to poverty-stricken children in Philadelphia or strenghten customs security in vulnerable ports or protect our soldiers in Iraqs or some other gay shit that those homo liberals have managed to come up with. Fucking greedy-ass liberals whining for more federal moneys so they can pay the salaries of radical leftwing professors. Give me a mocha frappin' break. I need that money to help grow the economy.

p/s Happy Birthday to Yad-Yad! (y'know, since he reads this blog and all)

Santa Claus is dead

Feeding tube follies

Oh shit y'all, turns out they removed Terri Schiavo's feeding tube just so they could give it to the Pope! How you luh dat? Culture of Life strikes again! Well at least the Pope has a jobby job so he can pay for it hisself.

But seriously, as a liberal I am very threatened by this turn of events. Just when we thought we had succeeded in our diabolical plot to use rogue judges and other extralegal means to rid the world of the feeding tube menace, BAM!, those wily conservatives hit us with the old switcharoo! We liberals were so busy throwing self-congratulatory victory parties for having killed Terri Schiavo that we let our guard down. For shame. Sure, the killing of one innocent and helpless soul is always great, but let's please keep our eyes on the prize. We must not waver in our quest to deny basic comfort to all of the most defenseless in our midst. We are at a critical juncture; the Conservatives, renowned as they are for their principled, fair-minded compassion, are gaining more and more converts to their side. Now is not the time for inaction. Remember; united we stand, divided we sit.

Feeding tubes may well be the downfall of civilization as we know it. They provide sustenance to and prolong the lives of those who cannot fend for themselves, so obviously they are anathema to all liberals. I feel we are perilously close to embarking down a slippery slope. First the Pope is provided sustenance by artificial means, and then what? Man-on-dog sex, that's what!!! We liberals, being so entrenched in the Culture of Death, cannot afford to waste any time before we start fighting to get the Pope's feeding tube removed. I feel this opportunity was sent to us by God himself-- can you imagine a more high profile way of spreading our pro-death, pro-suffering, anti-compassion, anti-Pope message than spearheading a campaign to deny sustenance to a Parkinson's-addled, fresh-out-of-the-emergency room old man who also happens to be the preeminent spiritual figure to hundreds of millions of Catholics around the globe!?! My soul is quivering at the mere thought of it.

I just wish that John Kerry had had the courage to delineate a hardline policy towards feeding tubes. Then more progressive liberals might've voted for him instead of putting in a write-in vote for 'sodomy', and we wouldn’t be in this mess today. *Whew* I'm too worked up about this, I gotta go treat myself to an abortion and cool down. Toodles!

Jesus is my homeboy

Whassup peoples? Happy Belated Easter to all deez Christian fools!!! Man, y'all Christians is lucky…seems y'all be havin y'allselves a moligious holiday like urry month. My Muslim ass only gets two a year. Sorry for y'all that Terri Schiavo didn’t do her Jesus impression to rise from the braindead and regain consciousness on Easter like y'all was planning for her to do. But at least she got to receive liquified communion all up in her feedings tube. Yum yum. I just hope it was wasn’t gluten-free, so she don’t go to Hell. I like how all them crazies is tranah break into her room and give her water to keep her alive. Water which would either choke her or go straight into her lungs. But I gotta give y'all mad props, doing God's work down here on Urf. If Jesus ain't gonna come down and help y'all, y'all best to take matters into y'all own hands. I wonder what it'll be like when Jesus finally shows up...

(harp glissando)
Jesus: 'Sup, Girl? How you be livin?
Terri:
Jesus: Chillin? That's cool.
Terri: (blinks)
Jesus: My Pops? He's doing fine, but his new wife's a bitch.
Terri:
Jesus: Uh huh, and she's young enough to be my sister. I'm pretty sure I went to high school with her.
Terri:
Jesus: Thanks, you're probably right. Anyway, girl, I been hearing all about you on the news. You must be hungry. Here. I brought you a turkey sandwich.
Terri: (blinks)
Jesus: Damn, Girl, just eat it! You gotta appear before Congress tomorrow, you're gonna need the energy!
Terri:
Jesus: Don't try to change the subject!
Terri:
Jesus: I'm just waiting for the right girl! We've been through this already!
Terri:
Jesus: Well what about you?!?!?! Your dance card isn't exactly full, is it, bitch?!?
Terri:
Jesus: Quit trying to change the subject!!!
Terri: (blinks)
Jesus: Fine then! See if I ever do you a favor again!

...and then he storms out in a huff.

So anyways, homegirl's 'rents is calling this whole situation "judicial homicide". I hope henceforth all them peoples refer to the death penalty as "judicial homicide" as well. And all Congressionally approved cutbacks in health care, AIDS research, and pollution control can be considered "legislative homicide". This calls to mind one of my favorite quotes of all time: "Life is precious, and God and the Bible."

On a lighter note, much fun was had on Sunday afternoon doing some Easter activities with the kids. We don't do the typical marshmallow Peep eating/Easter egg hunting bullshit on account of it's blasphemous. It takes away from the true religious significance of the day, plus rabbits don't even lay eggs. So instead we went to a fashion show down at South Beach entitled The Fashion of the Christ. The new Spring fashions are in!!! The show started out auspiciously enough with Mary Magdalene looking enchanting in her white knit top with crocheted bell sleeves, but when she changed into a faux leopard camisole, I thought it was a bit much. Hello, this is South Beach, not the Serengeti (oh I'm so bad!). Of course, the climax was when they finally unveiled this season's new line of crowns. Kudos, Jesus! Whoever would have thought it was possible to exhibit such elan while wearing a crown of thorns? More impressively, whoever would have thought Jesus would have such nice abs?

"Ain't got no job, but I stay Schiavo"

Yo y'all heard of that braindead lady they got on that feeding tube down in Florida? Man, that shit is important! It's probably the most important issue our government has had to deal with since the ratification of the Constitution, although that steroid shit is pretty important too. Can you imagine how much pressure them cats in Congress must be feeling now? Two of the most pivotal issues in the history of mankind, and both within the same week! I heard on tha newsy news that President George even cut his vacation short to come sign a bill giving the federal gubmint jurisdiction over her case. It's a good thing her name isn't Osama, cause elsewise George would still be in Crawford clearing brush.

Now I know some of my fanny fans is wondering about my opinions on this jelly. I don’t think we hard-working taxpayers should be subsidizising her hydration and nutrition. She ain't got no job!!! This lady is the ultimate welfare queen, lying there like a persistent vegetable. Get a job, woman!!! There's people starving in the ghetto working two jobs who would love to be hooked up to a feeding tube. How come this lady (who happens to be white) gets to wine and dine while we (the hard-working taxpayers who work hard and pay our taxes) foot the bill? I pay my taxes! Shit, give that feeding tube to Sir Fatty, I'm sure he could put it to good use.

What does y'all be thinking about this issue?

March Bazhness

Yo, how it is up in this?!?! Happy St. Patrick's Day to all my Catholic motherfuckaz!!! That goes double for my newest fan/commenter, Larry Mullen Jr. He's the drummer in a rock band called the U2's. I nominate Bono to replace Pope John Paul tha Deuce! Yo, Larry, big congrats on being inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame! That shit ain't easy. Little Anthony and the Teddy Bears aren't even in the Hall of Fame. Neither are Uncle Ho and the Roast Beef Sandwiches. Nor Pete Rose.

Y'all filled out y'alls brackets yet? You goan get dat done, when you goan get dat done?

Have a nice weekand.

Nothing Compares 2 U2

At least that's what "The Sports Guy" over at ESPN's Page 2 says. In a recent column he examines the "musician/athlete game". This game is really simple, uninteresting, and pointless: you just pick a band or singer and determine what athlete they would be. For example, Bruce Springsteen is Larry Bird, Elton John is Pete Maravich, Wilco is Sasha Cohen, Ashlee Simpson is Jeff Kent, Fred Durst is the 1997 Denver Nuggets, the Beatles are Padraig Harrington, and Shaq-Fu is me. However, according to the Sports Guy, U2 is no one. He thinks that their reliability, longevity, superhuman talent, and penchant for reinventing themselves render them without any analogues in the world of sports. I disagree. Has the Sports Guy never heard of FRANK THOMAS??? If he had done any research whatsover he would have seen that the parallels are striking.

U2 has been releasing albums since 1980. Their debut was a masterpiece and they have never really let up. While their best work may be behind them, they have at least another good 7-10 years before senility beckons. Frank Thomas has been in the major leagues for FIFTEEN years. In his first full season he had 32 homers, 109 runs batted in, 138 walks, and an OPS of 1.006. His OPS last year, at the age of 36, was .997. Hardly any drop off at all. He'll probably be around for a couple more years, eventually reaching 500 career homers. Fuck yeah.

In 1988 U2 released Rattle and Hum. The next album they released was 1991's Achtung Baby. They were nominated for Album of the Year at the 1992 Grammys but lost out to Eric Clapton, a known cocaine user. In 1999 Frank Thomas hit only 15 homers and drove in 77 runs. The next year he hit 43 homers and drove in 143 runs but finished second in the MVP voting to a steroidal Jason Giambi. Incidentally, the Grammy for best Traditional Pop Performance in 1992 went to Tony Bennett for his album Perfectly Frank.

Bono's talents are not confined merely to music. He is a Renaissance Man renowned for his tireless efforts to advance various progressive causes and improve the lives of billions. He also wrote the sceenplay for the movie Million Dollar Hotel. For his boundless munificence he was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. However, he lost that as well to Eric Clapton, a known cocaine user. Frank Thomas's talents are also far greater in scope than those of his peers. After seeing him belt 400-foot home runs it is easy to forget that during offseasons he pursued his PhD in American History from the University of Chicago. He is considered to be one of the most astute writers of culture and politics in the nation, authoring books on topics as diverse as the cooptation and dilution of counterculture movements by insidious corporations and how to swing like a pro and master the art of hitting curveballs. His latest book caused such a furor when it was published last summer that he had to sit out an entire series against the Kansas City Royals.

Frank Thomas was born on May 27, 1968 in Columbus, GA. So was Larry Mullen Jr.

QED.

The Weed Tapes, Volume 2

This is Part 2 of Heatblog's exclusive transcripts of the secretly recorded phone conversations between George W. Bush and Doug Weed. The following conversation took place a few months ago. (Part one can be found here).

George: Hullo?
Weed: Hiya George!
George: Who's this?
Weed: It's me, Doug!
George: Oh.
Weed: What up?
George: I met this nice Hispanical man the other day. His name was Alberto. He's nice.
Weed: Cool.
George: Yeah.
Weed: What's his last name?
George: His skin was darker than mine.
Weed: You don't say.
George: We watched the game together, then we went karaoking. He performed an extraordinary rendition of Eternal Flame. I think I'm gonna make him my new Attorney General. He sings better than the old one.
Weed: Yeah, that's swell. Say, anything really embarassing you might want to share with me?
George: I just noticed my daughters don’t look very much alike for twins
Weed: Uh-huh.
George: I'm beginning to get suspicious.
Weed: Fa sho.

Don't let Christina Ricci near hemophiliacs

I don’t usually do this, but I'd like to use this post to rebut an article I read recently. I was perusing Town Hall, as I often do, when I came across the new column by Michelle "Kill All Immigrants" Malkin. Surprisingly, it's not an anti-immigration screed. How I wish it were. No, this time around she decides to take on the new teen epidemic of "cutting", or using sharp objects to inflict bodily harm on one's self. This is undoubtedly a harmful practice and measures should obviously be taken to curb it (though I'm skeptical that the scope of the problem is as large as Malkin makes it out to be…her evidence is mainly anecdotal, and what few statistics she provides seem to be pulled out of her ass). Unlike most everything else that she rails against, this issue is actually deserving of concern. Such an important problem warrants sound reasoning and exhaustive research, no? Could this article prove to be at least somewhat logical and enlightening? Well, let's see:

"This madness would not be as popular as it is among young people if not for the glamorizing endorsement of nitwit celebrities such as twentysomething actress Christina Ricci."

Whoops, I guess not. So she blames "Hollyweird" for the new self-mutilation "craze". And specifically, Christina Ricci. Okay. Where to begin? Malkin is correct in her characterization of Ricci as being "twentysomething". I saw Ricci on Conan last night, where she divulged that she is 25. The fact that she was on Conan in the first place attests to her "celebrity" status, so Malkin's right on that, too. I don’t know about the "nitwit" part, though my impression is that it isn't so. And the fact that immediately after seeing her interview I did not run to my kitchen cabinet and gouge my eyes out with a corkscrew casts doubts on Malkin's claim that the teen cutting craze is masterminded by Ricci herself and facilitated by the persistent stream of hypnotic mindbending brainwaves she emits, which, upon entering the brainosphere of impressionable youngsters, render them completely incapable of resisting her commands. Even if she had these powers, I think maybe she might use them for purposes other than propagating a teen self-mutilation craze. But I could be wrong. After all, she did play the macabre Wednesday Addams in The Addams Family, which is a *gasp* HOLLYWOOD movie. And with Hollywood, who knows? Anyway, this claim struck me as being odd:

"It may be all fun and games for a Hollywood starlet like Ricci, but her mindless stunts have inspired countless young girls to carve themselves into a bloody stupor."

Bloody stupid is more like it. I was going to write a paragraph about how fucking stupid and not-only-wrong-but-unprovable this claim is, but it turns out that Malkin is actually absolutely correct. Uh-huh, the New England Journal of Medicine in conjunction with the National Insititutes of Health has recently released a study, 25 years in the making, that conclusively attributes the rise of both teenage self-mutilation and AIDS to one and only one source: Christina Ricci's nipples. She has also been linked to certain types of cancer as well as a rare form of brain disease confined primarily to the highlands of Papua New Guinea. Please Evan, tell your girl to use her superpowers for good, not evil.

So yeah, it's pretty clear that Michelle Malkin and logic don’t play well together, but what's really remarkable about this article is how ridiculously clueless she is about youth and popular culture. The following quote will make your head explode:

"There is even a new genre of music -- "emo" -- associated with promoting the cutting culture."

To which I must reply, "Guh? Guh muh dehhhhh urrrrnnnngghhh nnnuuuhhhhhhhfff? Fuh flagh! Muhfarfuhblah!! Serrrooooo!!! Woop wamp weee!!!! Nuh nuh nuh nuh waaaa fffttttpppppphhhh bleh."

I hope you agree.

A Heatblog exclusive!

Unless y'all been stuck in a lift in the belly of a whale at the bottom of the ocean, y'all probably heard of this dude Doug Weed and how over the course of several years he secretly taped phone conversations between him and President George (even back when he was just Governor George). So far he's only released a scant few of the tapes to the mainstream press, leaving most of us to wonder what salacious content remains hidden from the public. The tapes that the New York Times has reported on are, quite frankly, a bit disappointing in that private George proves to actually be a slightly more decent human being than public George. Luckily for y'all, Doug and I are tighter than Sir Fatty's belt. We go way back like Peabody and Sherman. Thus Doug has agreed to give me access to the remainder of the tapes, provided that I periodically make transcripts available on my blog (the very same blog which you are now reading!). I've been listening to the tapes all day; in fact, I even faked an injury so I could ditch work and devote more time to transcribing this jelly. And lemme just tell you, Mr. Weed's tapes are a bonanza of entertaining gaffes, incriminating admissions, and unexpected insights into facets of George's personality he had somehow heretofore managed to keep hidden from the masses. Without freddy ado, here's Volume One of the Weed Tapes: I Smoke Drugs.

George: Hello?
Weed: Hey there, Georgy Boy! How's it hanging?
George: Hello?
Weed: Yeah, George, it's me, your friend, Doug.
George: Who?
Weed: You know, Doug Weed, the former Special Assistant to the President during your father's term.
George: Ah yes, now I recall... Doug Weed, the author of the New York Times bestseller All the Presidents' Children and the co-founder, along with Pat Boone, of the relief organization Mercy Corps.
Weed: So what have you been up to lately?
George: Well, it sure is busy being the 43rd President of these United States. I barely have enough time to smoke drugs.
Weed: Are you saying that you, George Walker Bush, habitually engage in the burning and inhalation of illegal substances?
George: That is precisely what I am saying.
Weed: Well, this is some rather scandalous information.
George: I am aware of that. At times like this I feel lucky to have trustworthy confidantes such as yourself.
Weed: I hear you. But barely. Could you please speak up?
George: Pardon my hoarseness. The blunt which I am smoking has been laced with ketamine hydrochloride.
Weed: That's quite alright.
George: Hmm... these drugs are making me paranoid. You're not a narc, are you?
Weed: Of course not.
George: And you're not secretly taping this conversation, are you?
Weed: No way. Even if I were, there would be almost no way to prove that it's actually you. The White House could always just issue a denial, saying that the other voice on the tape is an impersonator. By the way, what's your birthday?
George: I was born on July 6, 1946, at roughly 5:30 AM. My mother's maiden name is Pierce.

People don't blog no mo' (all they do is diss)

Man where all my blog-havin' negroes be at? Spencer James can't update his blog since his ass got "fired" after his boss found out he ran an online gay escort service. On the other side of the fence, Moreech hasn't updated his blog, Diary of Alicia Nomanbhoy, in many minutes because he got himself a fo' real jobby-job. Leno finally got a girlfriend, I think, so now he's forgotten how to use the Internet. His blog Bitches Be All Bitchin' and Shit is just gathering dust. I was initially encouraged that Sir Fatty finally started posting again at his Robin Williams' fan site Jumanji All the Time, but that was just a false alarm. Turns out the "lazy fatty life" is not conducive to regular posting. $haft's tabla ustaad ass is too busy playing with alpha- and beta- toxins in the lab to even have Blogger account, so he just leaves anonymous comments. Man shoe. I play 82 games a year, half of which are on the road. Plus I have a busy career as a professional rapper/actor/Icy-Hot endorser. Yet I still find the time to update this blog semi-regularly. Y'all should be ashamed of y'allsselves, keepin' a woady from having puhsonnal expernces as he navigates the Intronet.

Happy Palestine's Day!

Yo, what it is, my peoples?!?!?! Happy Palestine's Day to all y'all! Finnuh send a box of chocolates to ya boy Mahmoud Abbas. I'm glad the world has finally recognized the validity of Palestinian sovereignty. The road to an eternal peace in the Middle East is paved with holidays such as this. Be sure to send red roses to the displaced children of Rafah, to show them you still care after all these years.

White People Crazy

Yo, y'all. It's probably common knowledge by now that I enjoy rap music. My favorite song is Catastrophic Success by the Wise Consumaz. I was listening to that the other day, when my boy Dwyane told me about this thing called Gizoogle, which is a service that translates "normal" english websites into Snoop Dogg-styled "gangsta" english. So that got me thinking about whether or not it would work the other way around. I found a site that changed ebonics into whiteyspeak. Then I thought, "what's the most gangsta song I know of?" Well, it turned out to be Catastrophic Success, so I took the lyrics to that song, put them in the Cracka-Matic 5000, and here's what was spat out (for comparison, here's where you can find the lyrics to Catastrophic Success):

I am reluctant to engage in criticism of you, President Bush, as you no doubt are busy with various matters of import; however, I feel that your demonstrated ignorance when dealing with certain issues of the day makes you highly susceptible to adopting a solipsistic view of the world in which you discount the possibility that other peoples around the world are deserving of the same basic rights and dignities that we Americans are.

Furthermore, at this point in time, your posterior is taking on the characteristics of one who murders persons of eminence. This is due to your having been befallen with the misfortune of diminished mental capacities.

You put forth the effort to incarcerate a certain Arab dictator and his cohorts, but now your energies and ammunition are mistakenly being directed towards persons formerly under the rule of the aforementioned dictator. These people, however, do not own any share of the culpability for improper actions allegedly perpetrated by the dictator who ruled over them.

I humbly beseech you to cease all martial activities targeted towards these innocent people, as they are merely relaxing in a manner similar to the protagonists of a popular comedy starring Alex Winters and Keanu Reeves.

However, your Neoconservative cadre of policymakers has advised you that the best course of action would be to terminate these innocent people. In response to this advice, I proceeded to implement small hand-held projectile armaments against a number of these people. Then, upon making my intentions known by exclaiming a cautionary word in German, I cast a lemon-shaped timed explosive device in the general direction of the luminescent orb around which our planet orbits. I must admit, my peers and I were quite eager to inundate those civilians with our superior firepower and subsequently subjugate them. Are you capable of visualizing the following scenario: a territory blessed with vast reserves of petroleum, completely under the administration of the U.S., from its capitol city all the way to its 3rd largest city located in the Kurdish northern region (that's affirmative, my colleague). From the center of the Iraqi oil industry in the proposed capital of Kurdistan and back down to one of the holiest Shi’a cities, all people should vocalize their support and respect for American policies because the Supreme deity of the Muslim religion has dictated that Americans be mobilized to this region in order to enrich themselves. At this point in the musical composition, we shall proceed to the refrain:

We are bombarding both the nation-state of Iraq and Osama bin Laden by means of explosive contrivances. In the future we are planning to use these same contrivances on the president of France as well as the woman who gave birth to you. As stated earlier, we are bombarding both Iraq and Osama bin Laden with explosive contrivances. When can we expect the cessation of this bombing campaign? Such an event is not scheduled to occur.

Halt! It seems that you are not paying attention to the lyrical content of this song. Your trousers are not meant to be urinated in. Rather, they exist for the purpose of removal; performing sex acts, not acts of violence. Now, that is a viewpoint possessing great intellectual merit, in addition to being rather elementary in implementation.

In stark contrast lies the alternate plan posed by President Bush. Upon closer inspection, one is perplexed at what his plan is designed to accomplish. Did the citizens of the sovereign nation of Iraq ever adopt the posture of an imminent threat to me or other citizens of the U.S.? Alas, I cannot answer this question in the affirmative. However, the sheer quantity of military resources that we continuously deploy inexplicably exceeds that of those deployed by Saddam. The volume of hemoglobin-containing liquid secreted as a result of our military actions surpasses even the highest possible volume secreted as a result of Saddam’s military actions; moreover, it surpasses any amount ever desired by Saddam even in absence of technological constraints. In spite of this vast library of evidence, you maintain an irrational allegiance to the current U.S. government. In this, you are similar to an arrogant purveyor of Country and Western music. I, for one, harbor strong feelings of disappointment and revulsion towards President Bush and his policies, feelings which I share with the members of the Texas-based group of musicians known as the Dixie Chicks. Our Commander-in-Chief apparently has a predilection for the use of terror as a means of achieving military and political goals. It is my opinion that upon his death we should inter his remains in the same sarcophagus as Osama bin Laden's.

Alas, still you refuse to heed my words! You and your peers are preoccupied with the design, production, and naming of new heavily-armored mobile fighting units and explosive long-range projectile weaponry, when you should instead be focused on retaining equanimity. This curious situation calls to mind a certain quote from a 1960s song: "there is exactly one period of time to which any given object corresponds. This period of time is equal to one-fourth of one year. Gyrate, gyrate, gyrate." However, the only dictum we seem to be capable of adhering to is "Char, Char, Char." It is reminiscent of a smoldering cesspool in which dance music from the 1970s is played. I am merely proffering that we should endeavor for the harmonious coexistence of all Earth's peoples. Now let us revisit the refrain:

We are bombarding both the nation-state of Iraq and Osama bin Laden by means of explosive contrivances. In the future we are planning to use these same contrivances on the president of France as well as the woman who gave birth to you. As stated earlier, we are bombarding both Iraq and Osama bin Laden with explosive contrivances. When can we expect the cessation of this bombing campaign? Such an event is not scheduled to occur.

We are bombarding both the nation-state of Iraq and Osama bin Laden by means of explosive contrivances. In the future we are planning to use these same contrivances on the president of France as well as the woman who gave birth to you. As stated earlier, we are bombarding both Iraq and Osama bin Laden with explosive contrivances. We will stoop so low as to utilize such attacks against the junior Senator from Illinois.

HAPPY MERCREDI GRAS!!!

Aw yeah!!! Fat Wednesday in tha house!!! Say Sir Fatty, what you finnuh be doing on this day? Man, is you goan be fasting 4 tha Lent? I say fuck that shit.

The bomb that will bring us together

Interesting couple of days-- figured maybe I should let all my fans know what I've had to deal with during my recent road trip to DC (you know, 'cause we were playing the Wizards). Anyway, in the past two days, I have engaged in two separate heated arguments in which I've had to make a case against 1) invading Iran and 2) nuking the entire Islamic world into oblivion. Apparently the first dude's logic was that Hitler, Stalin, Mao, etc. killed upwards of 100 million people, so we must invade Iran. 'Cause you never know. To bolster his argument, he pointed to the fact that our invasion of Iraq is going so swimmingly. Furthermore, those swarthy Iranians can't possibly be up to any good, seeing as how they lack the capacity for decency. Curiosly he threw the words "freedom", "democracy", and "human rights" around a bunch of times, but I don't think he knew what they meant. Which is to say that he probably had been reading from the George W. dictionary.

As for the second argument... that shit freaked me out and I still can't make sense of it. Seriously, is there any reason for nuking the Islamic world that has even a shard of logic to it? First of all, what is "the Islamic world"? Where is it? Who inhabits it? Is there a distinction to be made amongst the various kinds/degrees of Islam? Or is Islam a monolithic culture/religion (this guy seemed to think that the phrase "radical Islam" was redundant... I bet he'd never even met a Muslim his entire life). If we take any action against "the Islamic world", exactly what would that be a response to? 9/11? Future 9/11s? Is it just me, or are certain Americans the most pathetic bunch of solipsistic paranoid crybabies conceivable? So 3,000 people die at the hands of a few fanatics, and the proper retribution is the annihilation of an entire culture? Gee, that's swell. I thought we were over collective punishment, but I guess I'm just naive. I gotta go now, there are a bunch of people who may or may not attack/be mean to me in the future, so I should probably pre-emptively stab them. 'Cause you never know.

!!!UPDATE!!!

Wulzup wheaties? How y'all been living in tha Oh-Five?!?! Y'all finnuh be keeping y'all New Year's resolutions and what not? I know y'all been wondering if Shaqdaddy been keeping his, so I thought I'd give y'all an update:

Resolution #1: Use the word "fuck" more often on my blog-- CHECK!!! Y'all will be pleased to hear that this year I have used either the word "fuck" or a "fuck" variant a staggering twenty-six times!!! Compare this to the meager thirteen times I had used it previously. Not too fucking shabby.

Resolution #2: Be punctual with child support payments-- whoops. Sorry, Shaquilla.

Resolution #3: Shoot above 45% from the free throw line-- CZECH!!! 46.2%, baybee!!! Anything less than the best is a felony!!!

Resolution #4: Have less sex-- DOUBLE CHECK!!!

So there you have it, 3 out of 4. How is y'all been doing?