Pure Applesauce

Aww man say y'all heard tell of the Surpeme Court ruling that gay folk can get married up here in the U.S. of A.?  Man it has been a tough couple of weeks for us Conservative types.  Darth Vader Ginsburg and her liberal peers on the Court are unelected tyrants and the Supreme Court is no better than a modern-day Star Chamber, although for the purposes of this analogy I suppose it's more like a Star Destroyer, but instead of destroying stars what it really destroys is the very fabric of American society.  The liberal wing of the Supreme Court has cast aside the sturdy and tasteful hand-picked denim of America's glorious past and replaced it with some kind of diaphanous frou-frou silk taffeta abomination.  Whereas the denim is machine washable with similar colors, the silk is dry clean only.  Ok sorry, this stupid metaphor is hanging on by a thread.  Moving on...

The Supreme Court's fascist anti-Christian diktat makes a mockery of religious freedom.  It's like the Bible says.  If 2 adult human beings who love each other can get married, then who's to say that a pet goldfish can't marry a bowl of tomato soup?  It's a slippery slope.  A taut yet supple, glistening, sultry, well-endowed slope that is also a good listener and a generous lover.  This is what we Bible-believing Mercians have to compete with.  For some reason the Gaystapo is successful in its recruiting efforts while churches all across America remain empty.  

Now some people might say, "Damn Shaq, what business is it of yours what two consenting adults do in the privacy of their own butts?"  You might have had a point before the unrelenting Homo-sexual Lobby turned its attention to one of Conservative Christian America's most beloved institutions.  Yes, even bakeries, once heterosexual bastions of traditional heterosexual Christian American heterosexual masculinity, have yielded to the doughy and glazed Homo-sexual Agenda.  I went to Tastee Donuts the other day and ordered a cream-filled Danish and boy was it not what I expected.  I think my right to not be subjected to slightly homo-sexual pastries far outweighs gay people's right to be treated like actual human beings.  

I don't understand why gay people want to ruin marriage and dessert for all straight people.  Gay wedding cakes will be the downfall of society.  Imagine two men having sex.  Just imagine it.  Now keep on imagining it.  Stay up all night obsessively imagining it.  This is the future our children will inherit thanks to the LIEberals on the Supreme Court.  Now that homo-sexual wedding cakes are taking over our country, what's next?  Queeramisu?  Pineapple upside-down morals cake?  Communion wafers with rainbow sprinkles on them?  I certainly hope not!  Homo-sexuality is the last thing I want to think about while I'm on my knees metaphorically receiving my savior's body in my mouth.  Luckily we have at least one Supreme Court Justice who has the bravery to stand athwart history yelling "STOP! I hatez fagz!!!"  Yup, Antonin Scalia has dedicated his life to making the lives of gay people worse, and for that he deserves our praise.  He is so committed to defending traditional marriage that he's released an R&B album devoted to the cause.  Peep this:

Are you that opposite-gendered somebody?