E Pluribus Screw 'Em

Awww steeznart you all!  Y'all heard of this Gilligan/ Barney Fife/ Mr. Rogers/ Kenneth the Page looking dude from Louisiana named Bobby Jindal?  He's currently the "Governor" of Louisiana and he was also running for President, but sadly he recently dropped out of the race.  It's a shame because had Jindal won the Presidency, it would have been an historic occasion.  He would have been our great country's 44th white President.  And as he was rumored to choose Rachel Dolezal as his running mate, we also missed out on our first female Vice President.  I was really curious as to whether his Presidential portrait could ever top his gubernatorial one.  

The Picture of Dorian White

That portrait is a good jump-off point for a discussion about two of Jindal's biggest perceived flaws: his inauthenticity and desperate need to fit in.  This often manifests in him disavowing his Indian roots while playing up a fake Southern good ol' boy persona to curry (whoops) favor with his conservative constituency.  Whoever painted that portrait literally whitewashed history.  I mean he really Sammy Sosa'd it.  The average online dating profile pic more accurately portrays its subject than that portrait does.    

He famously changed his name when he was a kid because of his love for The Brady Bunch.  People make fun of him for this, but changing one's name from "Piyush" to something more acceptable to Western ears is hardly uncommon.  Brady Bunch-inspired name changing helped out the career of the former Piyush Brewer, love child of Emperor Palpatine and the Cryptkeeper, who changed her name to Jan and somehow became Governor of Arizona. Then there's the story of Piyush Woods, whose fondness for the Brady family's dog led him to rename himself Tiger and take up golfing.  You probably know about Tom Brady, but did you know that once upon a time he was just a skinny football-loving youth from California named Tom Piyush?  His obsession with the The Brady Bunch moved him to change his name and now the rest is history.  Like Jindal, the former Tom Piyush also has some experience with less-than-accurate portraits.  

Sure, Jindal takes his need to assimilate into mainstream White American culture a bit too far, but I think it comes mainly from a benign place of genuine appreciation for American pop culture rather a cynical ploy to manipulate white voters.  In addition to his aforementioned love for The Brady Bunch, he also performed an exorcist in college presumably in homage to his favorite horror movie, and, as this picture shows, a young Jindal was clearly a big fan of Welcome Back, Kotter.  

Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause he was a fucking awful Governor

Like the titular hero, his dreams (of the White House) were his ticket out, but unlike the good-natured and avuncular Mr. Kotter, I highly doubt Jindal will be welcomed back to Louisiana after his aborted Presidential campaign.  We haven't forgotten that Bobby Jindaled while Louisiana burned.  We're still near the bottom in health, education, income, environment, etc., but hey at least it is now harder for gay people to buy cakes.  We're near the top for ringworms, alcohol-induced blackouts, potholes, crawfish-induced blackouts, juvenile diabetes, Juvenile diabetes, adult diabetes, teenage diabetes, pet diabetes, and dangerously high levels of butter in our blood.  In fact, the average Louisianian is now 17% butter.  

With his dismal record in Louisiana, it's no wonder that his Presidential campaign never gained traction.  His list of donors, aka Ganges List, was meager.  Setting himself apart from the crowd proved to be an impossible task, since at last count the number of GOP challengers was 81 and continues to grow daily.  At this point if you're an out-of-touch old white man you're 3 times more likely to be a GOP Presidential candidate than to get prostate cancer. Bobby just couldn't compete with those odds.  

So now lame duck Iowa resident Bobby Jindal can finally turn his attention back to Louisiana.  Oh great.  He, the son of immigrants himself, has for some reason made it his obsession to thwart immigration and degrade immigrants at every turn.  He says he "doesn't believe in hyphenated Americans," which is kind of hypocritical for an Idiot-American to say.  First they came for the hyphens, and I did not speak out because I was not hyphenated...  But once Bobby takes away our hyphens, what's next?  Our colons?  Question marks?  Interrobangs?!  And he better not mess with our sacred emojis (one of which was actually Oxford Dictionary's 2015 word of the year!).  YOU CAN PRY MY SHRUGGIE DUDE OUT OF MY COLD DEAD HANDS  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Who all seen Jindal doing any meaningful legislative work over the past couple years say yeeeaaahhh!  *Crickets*

Jobby Bindle so eloquently stated on Twitter that "immigration without assimilation is not immigration, it is invasion." It’s like Thomas Edison said, "immigration is one percent assimilation and 99 percent perspiration."  Because hiking through the desert for days in the scorching heat is bound to get you all gross and sweaty.  That’s why you gotta take a refreshing dip in the Rio Grande.  

Recently the Piyush bag has had the gall to declare that Louisiana will not be accepting any Syrian refugees.  He and most other Republican governors are turning America's old motto "E Pluribus Unum" on its head, but I guess "E Pluribus Screw 'Em" has a nice ring to it.  Personally, I think it's a heartwarming example of genuine Christian charity.  Can you imagine fleeing some wartorn third-world hellhole just to find yourself in Louisiana, of all places? Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire. 

In other Louisiana politics news, Senator Pampers is running to replace "Governor" Jindal. His last ditch effort to appeal to the selfish cowardly racists among us has him amping up the anti-Syrian refugee rhetoric as the election draws nearer.  When the Syrian refugees make Louisianans shit themselves in fear, Diaper Dave will be prepared.  He's the man we can depend on to wipe out the threat.  All 14 of them.  Anyway, Election Day is today, so don't forget to vote!  Unless you plan on voting for Vitter, in which case ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.   

Pure Applesauce

Aww man say y'all heard tell of the Surpeme Court ruling that gay folk can get married up here in the U.S. of A.?  Man it has been a tough couple of weeks for us Conservative types.  Darth Vader Ginsburg and her liberal peers on the Court are unelected tyrants and the Supreme Court is no better than a modern-day Star Chamber, although for the purposes of this analogy I suppose it's more like a Star Destroyer, but instead of destroying stars what it really destroys is the very fabric of American society.  The liberal wing of the Supreme Court has cast aside the sturdy and tasteful hand-picked denim of America's glorious past and replaced it with some kind of diaphanous frou-frou silk taffeta abomination.  Whereas the denim is machine washable with similar colors, the silk is dry clean only.  Ok sorry, this stupid metaphor is hanging on by a thread.  Moving on...

The Supreme Court's fascist anti-Christian diktat makes a mockery of religious freedom.  It's like the Bible says.  If 2 adult human beings who love each other can get married, then who's to say that a pet goldfish can't marry a bowl of tomato soup?  It's a slippery slope.  A taut yet supple, glistening, sultry, well-endowed slope that is also a good listener and a generous lover.  This is what we Bible-believing Mercians have to compete with.  For some reason the Gaystapo is successful in its recruiting efforts while churches all across America remain empty.  

Now some people might say, "Damn Shaq, what business is it of yours what two consenting adults do in the privacy of their own butts?"  You might have had a point before the unrelenting Homo-sexual Lobby turned its attention to one of Conservative Christian America's most beloved institutions.  Yes, even bakeries, once heterosexual bastions of traditional heterosexual Christian American heterosexual masculinity, have yielded to the doughy and glazed Homo-sexual Agenda.  I went to Tastee Donuts the other day and ordered a cream-filled Danish and boy was it not what I expected.  I think my right to not be subjected to slightly homo-sexual pastries far outweighs gay people's right to be treated like actual human beings.  

I don't understand why gay people want to ruin marriage and dessert for all straight people.  Gay wedding cakes will be the downfall of society.  Imagine two men having sex.  Just imagine it.  Now keep on imagining it.  Stay up all night obsessively imagining it.  This is the future our children will inherit thanks to the LIEberals on the Supreme Court.  Now that homo-sexual wedding cakes are taking over our country, what's next?  Queeramisu?  Pineapple upside-down morals cake?  Communion wafers with rainbow sprinkles on them?  I certainly hope not!  Homo-sexuality is the last thing I want to think about while I'm on my knees metaphorically receiving my savior's body in my mouth.  Luckily we have at least one Supreme Court Justice who has the bravery to stand athwart history yelling "STOP! I hatez fagz!!!"  Yup, Antonin Scalia has dedicated his life to making the lives of gay people worse, and for that he deserves our praise.  He is so committed to defending traditional marriage that he's released an R&B album devoted to the cause.  Peep this:

Are you that opposite-gendered somebody?

Heritage not great

What's up y'all?  Y'all heard about this country called MURKA??? It's our birthday today!  Damn we old!!!  Independence Day is the one day of the year where us U.S. Americans unabashedly show our patriotism.  In fact, I am (almost) unironically wearing an American flag do-rag as I type this.  Inevitably, today's proud display of our nation's symbols has gotten me thinking about the proud display of the symbols of another nation, a nation that somehow continues to live in the hearts and minds and presumably other body parts of a significant portion of the American populace, despite not having existed for 150 years.  I'm speaking, of course, about the Confederate States of America.  

A surprisingly large amount of Americans, especially Southerners, still identify with symbols of the Confederacy and cling to them as though trying to remove these symbols from public places is tantamount to trying to remove a vital part of themselves.  The people who argue for the removal of the Confederate battle flag may say: "but getting a boil lanced, or a cancerous polyp removed from your colon, or flushing your system of intestinal parasites is qualitatively different from having a limb or organ amputated for no reason."  But we know of course that this is liberal claptrap.  The Confederate flag is a potent symbol of our Southerness, existing as it did for a whopping total of 4 some odd years out of the 240 some odd years that the South has existed.  But its disproportionate importance among current Confederate enthusiasts is understandable in light of the fact that it was used as the Confederate Navy Jack for 2 whole entire years, was adopted as the Battle Flag of the Army of Northern Virginia (one shudders to think about the potential peak-Confederocity that might have been achieved if only Southern Virginia had also adopted the battle flag), and also flew over exactly zero state capitols during the Civil War.  So it's plain to see why a flag that was so eminent in its own time would be the logical choice to represent the totality of Southern heritage over a century after its heyday.  I'm very much heartbroken that they're trying to take away the most vital piece of our shared Southern culture.  The Confederate battle flag is emblematic of all those quintessentially Southern traits that led the South to so nobly and proudly start the Civil War and then lose it.  

Few people know that Santa was originally headquartered at the South Pole but was forced to free his elves and relocate after losing the War of North Pole Aggression

Now y'all may be thinking to yourselves, “Dayum, Shaq, what do you know about history and politics?  Stick to sports™!!1!”  Well, I’m here to tell you that this issue is very much relevant to sports.  The Atlanta Slaveocrats had to change their name to the Atlanta Braves, but it’s okay for the New York Yankees to exist?  Ole Miss had to retire its Rebel mascot and replace it with a BLACK bear, but it’s okay for the New York Yankees to design their iconic pinstriped uniforms to specifically evoke black-on-white violence?!  Major League Baseball bans black people until the 1940s and it’s a villain, but George Steinbrenner, late owner of the NEW YOK YANKESS bans facial hair and he’s a hero?!!  The liberal media will stop at nothing to demean and belittle Southern heritage while forgiving and even celebrating far worse behavior by its Northern masters.  ESPN has a Red Sox history month, but where’s White Sox history month?  David Ortiz is 3/5ths the player Ron Kittle was, but of course if I say that out loud I’m the one who’s considered a racist.   

AINT NO FEDS GONNA FEED MY KIDS COMMIE CORE! MORON LABE! I'D RATHER BE JUGDED BY TWLEVE THAN CARRY THE ZERO!

For those who say that perhaps a symbol celebrating slavery and treason is not the best thing to display on government buildings or on public roads, well would you have us remove all historical monuments and render future generations historically illiterate?  Newsflash, history matters and it is absolutely imperative for the survival of the republic that we not skimp on teaching ALL OF IT ALL THE TIME EVERYWHERE TO EVERYONE.  Instead of taking down historical symbols, we should be putting more up.  Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, which is why the Louisiana State Capitol has just put up an exhibit commemorating the rise and fall of the Ottoman Empire in its lobby.  The gilded statue of Suleiman the Magnificent is sure to remain a tourist attraction for years to come.  On a more local level, the Jefferson Parish Courthouse recently outfitted its security guards in the traditional attire of the personal Terracotta Army of 3^rd century BCE Chinese emperor, Qin Shi Huang.  Sure, the outfits had to be bought for an exorbitant price from the Beijing Museum of Military Uniforms, but no price is too great when it comes to teaching our children about history.  Meanwhile, the U.S. Capitol, which has been under construction for what seems like forever, has finally unveiled what all the construction was about.  Turns out that they’re replacing the entire dome with a life sized mise-en-scene of Hannibal crossing the Alps. 

New Orleans mayor Mitch Landrieu has promised that he will, in a compromise designed to appease those who oppose taking down Robert E. Lee’s statue at Lee Circle, tear down the Superdome instead and install an even bigger circle dedicated to the heroes of the War of Jenkins’ Ear, which as we all know took place from 1739-1748 and resulted in the loss of Jenkins’ ear, a loss from which Britain has never truly recovered.  I fear our nation would be doomed if future generations of American kids forgot about the War of Jenkins’ Ear and the lessons it can teach us about proper ear security.   

SEROUSLY SOMEONW HELP ME OUT HERe oh never mind

For some reason the Confederacy always gets the short end of the historical commemoration stick.  I just recently found out that Jefferson Parish was named after Thomas Jefferson and not Jefferson Davis.  Imagine my distress and disillusionment upon realizing that the parish I grew up in and had thought was named after a racist slave-owning piece of shit was instead named after a different racist slave-owning piece of shit.  I tell ya, the Confederacy gets no respect.  I think we should remedy this by creating monuments to commemorate all Confederate victories, from the well-known ones like the Battle of Manassas and the Battle of Chancellorsville to the ones that have already been forgotten, like the Siege of Tupelo, the Battle of Possum Spring, the Quarrel at Donaldsonville, the Battle of Munson’s Barn, the Altercation Down Beulah Street, Old Jack’s Misunderstanding, and the Incident What Happened Yonder Mill Creek Way. 

Maybe it’s the handful of psychedelic drugs I recently ingested talking, but I’ve always thought it interesting that the Confederate battle flag has an 'X' on it, as 'X' is the universal symbol for closing a window on your computer, but when God closes a door, he opens a window, presumably so you can jump out of it, or maybe it’s just to air out the room because He farted, either way my point is that maybe this is like that but in reverse, like maybe God is closing this window so he can open a door, in this case he’s closing the window on slavery, treason, and getting your pathetic asses kicked in a war but luckily he’s opening the door on other things the South holds dear, like diabetes, mosquito-borne illnesses, and illiteracy.  No one can take those things away from us!  What’s the stupid old saying?  American by birth, Southern due to lack of upward socioeconomic mobility by the grace of God.  So cheer up, fellow Southerners/Confederazis, there is a silver lining to our grey uniforms!

Finally, a states' rights symbol everyone can agree on

Westeros Baptist Church

DAYUM say y'all heard of this television show called Game of Thrones?  The Season 5 finale was last week.  Today is the first Sunday in a while I can't enjoy a new episode so I thought I'd write up a review of last week's episode so as to get my weekly GoT fix, so here goes... SPOILER ALERT ***Please stop reading this now if you don't want to have the next few minutes of your life spoiled by reading this.***  

Ok, let's start.  First, a disclaimer: I don't read the books (I stopped reading them as soon as I figured out they weren't Harry Potter sequels) so I lack a full understanding of the elaborate and somewhat convoluted workings of George R.R.R. Martin's fantasy world.  The frequent references to obscure Westerosi myths and prophecies go way over my head and most of the time I can't even keep track of who belongs to what house.  I think the ones with all the wolves are the Starks and there's this other house with dragons or wyverns or whatever but then this other house got stuck with a squid which sucks for them.  But I guess they have a monopoly on the lucrative ink trade.  Those notes sent by raven aren't gonna write themselves.  

The weirdest, most upsetting, and hard to parse part of the show for me is all the religions vying for supremacy in both Westeros and Essos.  The damaging effects of the various strains of crazy fundamentalism spreading through the realm was a point of emphasis throughout Season 5, and boy did things come to a head in the season finale.  Melisandre and her precious Lord of Light had been gleefully carrying out their Stannis Inquisition, but they went one auto-da-fe too far when they decided to burn Shireen at the stake.  I'm glad Stannis (apparently?) got his comeuppance for burning his daughter alive à la Agamemnon and Iphigenia, and it's all the better that Brienne got to play the role of Clytemnestra.

Meanwhile, Cersei was hoist with her own godbothering petard as the High Sparrow and his Faith Militant made her do a naked walk of atonement to the Red Keep while the rabble of King's Landing cursed her, flashed her, and threw, among many other things, excrement at her.  It was excruciating to watch and I couldn't help but sympathize with Cersei, but I suppose these things are expected when you give free reign to the Westeros Baptist Church to cleanse the sins of your city.  But man I gotta say those WBC protestors were a bit out of line.  I don't like incest either but damn High Sparrow Phelps you need to tell your peeps to chill. 

What's a 'shuttle'?  Do you mean 'dragon'?

Plus, what's with the Hodor hate?  What did he ever do to the Faith Militant?  For that matter, what did he ever do to anyone this season?  Oh yeah that's right, NOTHING!!!  God may not hate Hodor, but HBO certainly does.  I'm pretty pissed at the complete lack of Hodor this season (and for that matter, what's become of the surviving Starch boys, Bran and Wheat?).  HBO better make it up to us Hodor fans by having him on the Iron Throne by the end of Season 6.  

What's 'XMAS'?  Do you mean 'dragon'?

The Westerosi religious fundamentalists sure do have some weird hang ups with sex.  By my count, at least 3 major gay characters have been persecuted.  Ser Loras is rotting away in a dungeon because Olyvar's recollection of his weird Dorne-shaped birthmark was considered airtight legal evidence of sodomy.  The Lord of Light burned Mance Gaydar at the stake simply because of his eponymous sixth sense, which Melisandre feared would be used, Cerebro like, to unite all the gay Wildings into the largest gay army the world had ever seen.  Theon "Prime Time" Gayjoy had his dick chopped off and shipped in a box to his sister by the psychopathic pharaoh of Winterfell, Ramses Bolton.  The aggressive campaign of sexual repression conducted by the Westeros Baptist Chuch, coupled with the impending onslaught of the Long Winter and its attendant shrinkage, will no doubt make Season 6 the most perilous time to be a flopping Westerosi cock since the tyrannical rule of Daeclaerys "Knobslayer" Targaryen.  Gone are the halcyon days when the Starks could enjoy a leisurely outing in the godswood, just chilling while Hodor nonchalantly lets out his one-eyed raven for some fresh Northern air. 

HODOR!

At least the finale was an eventful one for my favorite character, Arya "Smarter than a 5^th grader" Stark.  She got to finally cross Ser Meryn Trant off her macabre grocery list, and in a surprisingly satisfying, grotesque way.  Most tweens would be too squeamish to dissect a frog, much less stab a grown man in both eyes and slit his throat, but nothing's too gory for our hero, Arya "Being Served" Stark.  Her eventual blindness was a bummer, sure, but I think next season will be an exciting one for Arya "That Somebody" Stark (I'm sorry but this paragraph was pretty much just an excuse to do stupid Arya puns).  

We also got to see the big reveal of Maester Qyburn's top secret science project, the resurrected Franken-Mountain,  It was a cool moment, but I can't help be a little bit bitter.  See, I tried out for the role of the Mountain all the way back in Season 1 but George R.R. said I wasn't big enough so they gave it to some Icelandic goon instead.  Then I tried out for the part of Ser Dunkin' the Tall of the House Shaquille, First of His Name, King of the Centers and the Sixth Men, Lord of the Double Doubles, and Protector of the Paint.  But George R.R.R. told me that such a character didn't exist, nor did such a house, and had I read the book because if I had I would know this, and I don't mean to be rude but Mr. O'Neal can you even read at all?  So that audition didn't go well I regret to say.  

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah, Winterfell.  Man, Winterfell is a scary place with the Boltons ruling it.  I don't know what Middlefinger was thinking when he decided that marrying off Sansa to Ramses was a good idea.  Speaking of middle fingers, George R.R.R.R. gave a huge one to his loyal fans by killing off Jon Snow at the very end of the episode.  I'm not too upset about it since we know "death" is not an eternal state in Martin's world.  My prediction is that 3 days after his burial Jon Snow's tomb will be found inexplicably empty by Melisandre, who will look at Jon up and about and not recognize him at first.  Upon seeing Jon's miraculously resurrected body, the former Night's Watch traitors will become his sworn disciples.  Even that asshole Olly.  Seriously Olly, dead parents are no excuse for being a prick.  Killing Egret was bad enough, but then you had to deliver the coup de grace on our beloved Jon Snow?  For shame.  But I suppose the Snow Angel forgives all, even killing his hot Wilding girlfriend.

Hot Pie will show up out of nowhere just because, and upon seeing Jon he will incredulously blink a few times, then tilt his head back and comically wipe his eyes, then put on his glasses and squint for a few seconds before shaking his head and finally declaring "nah, couldn't be..." and going off on his merry way.  This will be the first ever Game of Thrones scene to be accompanied by a laugh track.

Then King Tommen will visit Castle Black on some official kingly business, like to make sure the wall is zoned for castles or to check that the Wilding immigrants have all their papers in order.  He'll hear of Jon's resurrection but, having not been there to witness it, will flatly deny its veracity.  Jon will then invite him to touch all his cool stab wounds, and only after that does the king believe.  King Tommen will be thereafter known as Doubting Tommen and then sail off to whatever the Essosian equivalent of India is to spread the Gospel of Snow.  40 days later Jon will ascend to Heaven on the back of a dragon probably.

The Westeros Baptist Chuch will establish a religious holiday to celebrate Jon's resurrection.  It will be called "Easteros" and there will be chocolate direwolves and dragon's egg hunts galore.  Instead of carving stupid patterns into their foreheads, members of the Faith Militant will now wear chains with dagger pendants around their necks.  Failure to adequately celebrate Easteros will be punished by beheading.  And now my post has ended. 

Daughtergate

Oh man, say y’all heard of this Thanksgiving pardoning of a turkey by Obama?  Shit, first Mexicans, now the Turkish, is there ANY ethnic group that Obama won’t grant amnesty to?  And to make things worse, the first daughters were at the pardoning ceremony dressed like a couple of hussies.  This Thanksgiving I’m grateful to Elizabeth Lauten, communications director for Congressman Stephen Lee Fincher (R(duh)-TN), for so astutely pointing out the Obama girls’ disgusting uncouthness.  Sasha and Malia’s irreverent demeanor was completely unbefitting of the gravity of such an august (though it was November) and hallowed (though Halloween is in October) ceremony.  For shame.  Why can’t Sasha and Malia be more polite and courteous like other First Siblings such as Laura and Barbara Bush, Uday and Qusay Hussein, Kim and Khloe Kardashian, Prince William and Harry Potter, Goofus and Gallant, those fat motorcycle twins, or Cain and Abel?  

Let them Ute cake

Damn y’all heard of this meal called lunch?  Back in my day kids used to eat that shit on the daily, but turns out that the compassionate conservatives in Utah have figured out a way to streamline the nutrition delivery system so that poor kids don’t have to eat lunch anymore!  It’s pretty awesome.  If your parents haven’t fully kept up their payments to your school lunch account, then you get to have your slop ladled onto your lunchtray, followed by a moment or so of anticipatory salivation, only to have the tray suddenly snatched out of your hands and thrown into the trash.  I’m not sure if the whole routine is punctuated by a school official pointing and loudly taunting the child, you know, something along the lines of “OH DAMN S.N.A.P. (is how your parents should have paid for your lunch)!” or “YOU JUST (didn’t) GOT SERVED SON” but if not then they should get on that post-haste.  Starving little kids is a good start to raising the next generation to be compliant wage slaves, but having them get used to being mercilessly bullied by authority figures will greatly help accelerate the process.  

Tom Perkins tried to warn people about the impending anti-rich people Cristalnacht but nobody answered the door.  Libruls led by Maobama have already made rich people wear Rolexes as an identifying marker (this generation’s version of the Star of David) so it’s only fair that to even the scales Utah starts some kind of Hitler Ute to make it easier to identify poor children.   

Siempre Coca-Cola

DAYUM y'all heard about this soft drink called Coca-Cola?!?!?!  Man their marketing people are geniuses.  Before Sunday hardly anyone had heard of Coke but now people can’t stop talking about it.  Some people were pissed off at Coke's Super Bowl commercial but really what were they expecting?  “Coca-Cola” is actually an Algonquin term meaning “universal health care” so it’s no surprise that they would make such a left-wing anti-American commercial.  And anyway the controversial commercial isn't even the most egregious example of Coca-Cola's multicultural ethos.  Did y’all know that there exists something called “Mexican Coke” and it’s not even made with high fructose corn syrup, the most American of sweeteners?  Instead it’s made with this thing called cane sugar whatever that is.  Sounds suspiciously like the dreaded “Uncle Sugar” that Mike Huckabee warned us about.  What's worse, shipments of this “Mexican Coke” have actually hopped the border and are unwittingly being bought by our impressionable American youth in grocery stores and bodegas all over this once great nation.  

Everyone threw a fit when Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City wanted to outlaw large sodas but as it turns out the proposed NYC soda ban was a surprisingly prescient opening salvo in the war against the anti-American globalist forces of Big Soda.  I owe you an apology, Mayor Bloomberg.  I used to think that it was every American’s God-given right to drink as much concentrated diabetes juice as his or her heart desired, but now I see that Americans’ soda intake must be strictly regulated lest they imbibe too frequently from the decadent, multicultural, morally depraved chalice of Big Soda.    

I think I speak for most Conservatives when I say THIS IS AMERCIA WE DON’T SPEAK NO FERN LANGAUGES HERE.  As Joe the Plumber said, America is supposed to be a melting pot.  That means when foreigners come here all the bizarre rituals and customs of their native lands are thrown into a boiling pot so they can be cooked down to a manageable size and subsumed by the dominant mainstream American culture, or what sociologists call the Widespread American Social Paradigm.  We'll call it "WASP" for short.  Immigrants to this great land should be encouraged to adopt the WASP way but of course we have to be patient with those who may have trouble adjusting.  Fortunately for these laggards, helpful Conservatives have set up charitable organizations to smooth the transition to the U.S.  One especially notable welcoming committee aimed at immigrant children is the American Representatives for Youth Assimilation and Naturalization.  They're currently working on some much-needed updates to the Statue of Liberty.  Are y'all familiar with Emma Lazarus' "The New Colossus", the poem engraved on the Statue of Liberty's pedestal?  We need a new new Colossus, because according to the old new one, here are the kind of people we're welcoming to America: "tired", "poor", "huddled masses", "wretched refuse", "homeless", "tempest-tost"... I mean, come on, what a downer!  I ask you, is that the kind of example you want America to set for the world?  I want to see a new-look Lady Liberty who can kick ass and take names, and if the name is too foreign sounding, to change said name into something sufficiently Anglo.   

THIS IS MURKA, OUR LAST NAMES HAVE VOWELS IN THEM!

The other day I was on the phone trying to get a prescription refilled when I heard the four words that every God-fearing American hopes they will never ever have to hear: "Para Espanol, oprima dos." A sharp twinge of terror raced down my spine and I immediately threw the phone down and stomped on it until only a pile of dust remained.  It was a terrifying experience that I'll never forget, basically the 9/11 of phone calls.  It was almost enough to make me call 911.  

The foreigners are destroying everything we used to love about this once great nation from INSIDE THE HOUSE.

That's why the founding fathers fought the Revolutionary War, so that their ancestors would be spared the ordeal of having to press an extra button.  I for one will never give up the fight until automated phone menus start catering to us Bible-believing conservative types.  

"For English, press 1.  For a barely literate Southerner attempting to speak English, press 2..."

Now you Tea Partiers might think you’re safe ditching the cola and just drinking iced tea, but check this out… you want proof that Coca-Cola is pro illegal immigration?  Until recently, Coca-Cola had a joint venture with Nestle to produce Nestea.  Hmmm, Nestea…Nestea… sounds kinda like… AMNESTY.  That can’t be a coincidence!  They were even audacious enough to call their energy drink "A.M. Nestea" and market it with the slogan "Wake up, America!" which thankfully replaced their initial slogan "Down with whitey".    

Mourning in America

One thing this controversy has taught me is that some Americans don't even deserve America.  We may live in the same country, but we certainly don't live in the same world.  I guess these old American xenophobes will die off relatively soon, so that's something to look forward to, but can you really ever kill a mindset?  Maybe fighting xenophobia is like fighting terrorism, they're both doomed to fail.  Whatever.  I did my part by writing a interminably long, rambling, snarky blogpost that no one will ever read.  

Armchairmageddon

Damn y’all heard of this thing called weather?  Here in the NOLA we're just now emerging from what was undoubtedly one of the worst weather events in recorded human history, a mini Ice Age that made Younger Dryas look like Fetal Dryas.  People were even giving it dramatic names like Sneauxmageddon (because people here don’t cotton to accurate spelling) or Snowah’s Ark or The Transfiguration of Iced or Weatherpocalypse or well you get the point.  I don’t understand why these weather events always have to be described in Biblical terms.  This isn’t the Bible Belt.  It’s more like if you undid the Bible Belt and maybe the top couple buttons on your linen pants, Louisiana is what would clumsily tumble out.  A moderately sized half chub accidentally unfurled in a drunken moment but thankfully the rest of the country pretends it didn't see anything and everyone can proceed as if nothing untoward happened. 

Anyway most people were safely ensconced in their weather bunkers but those who hadn’t planned ahead (myself included) had to brave 30 degree temperatures to secure adequate disaster provisions.  Before you scoff, let me remind you that’s 30 degrees Fahrenheit.  FAHRENHEIT, I SAY!!!  Rouses was a madhouse.  People were elbowing sweet old ladies clear off their Rascals just to get the last party pack of Abita.  I’m not proud of some of the things I had to do but all’s fair in love and slightly below freezing weather. 

Forgive me God for going Dikembe Mutumbo on this elderly woman. 

Blame Christie for me

Aw damn yo y’all heard of this dude Chris Crispie?  He’s the rotund governor of this place called New Jersey and the presumptive favorite to be the Republican presidential candidate in 2016.  Or at least he was the early favorite, until this Bridgegate scandal broke a few days ago.  When Chris Christie sits around the George Washington Bridge, he really sits AROUND the George Washington Bridge.  Also when he closes three lanes on the George Washington Bride because of a petty quarrel with a political enemy, he really closes three lanes on the George Washington Bridge because of a petty quarrel with a political enemy.  Mark Sokolich may be the mayor of Fort Lee but Chris Christie is the governor of portly.  OOH BURN.  Fat jokes are witty and mature which is why I am making a bunch of them.  With Chris Christie at the helm, even a unicycle is a high occupancy vehicle.  TRENTON ISN'T JUST THE CAPITAL OF NEW JERSEY, IT'S ALSO HOW MUCH CHRIS CHRISTIE WEIGHS.  WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS THAT CHRIS CHRISTIE LIKELY HAS A BMI HIGHER THAN THAT OF THE AVERAGE HUMAN.

Bridgegate is the worst thing Christie's done since that time he worked with President Obama to help his constituents recover from Hurricane Sandy.  I say we should have just let the free market take care of things.  I mean, HELLO, if you can't deal with the destruction that inevitably comes along in the wake of a hurricane, THEN HOW ABOUT YOU DON'T LIVE IN NEW JERSEY, EINSTEIN???!!!? (no offense to actual Einstein, who did live in New Jersey for the latter part of his life).  This is just common sense, people.  You don't want to reward that kind of bad decision making.  But of course President Maobama and Comrade Christie had to go and give New Jerseyans a literal bail out.  Between Bridgegate and HelpingpeopleputtheirlivesbacktogetherafteradevastatingactofGodgate, I'm beginning to regret having my picture taken with him last year. 

I hope this picture doesn't wind up being as infamous as the one of Ronald Dumsfeld and Saddam Hussein from the 80s. 

Speaking of new jerseys I hope that shit the Bulls wore on Christmas doesn’t catch on.  Peace, I’m out like McGreevy. 

Do they care it's Christmas?

Say y’all heard of this jolly bearded dude named Santa Claus?  Megyn Kelly over at Fox News has caused all kinds of creatures to stir by insisting that Santa Claus is white.  I think maybe she got Santa confused with Frosty the Snowman.  Everyone knows that Santa Claus is just a metaphor for the year-end orgy of commerce and consumption facilitated by global capitalism.  Whether that makes Santa white or black, American or other, no one can really say.  But one thing's for sure: the elves are Chinese.  

Can't we compromise with Obgyn Kelly and just say that Santa Claus is half white and half black, like Obama?  Oh wait.  I can see how that might be a problem to certain someones.  Back to the white board, I mean the blackboard, I mean the drawing board. 

Duck duck oops

Aww sheez y'all heard of this crazy bearded dude down in Louisiana who hunts ducks on TV and hates gays in his spare time?  What am I saying, of course you have.  Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame is in big trouble after making blatantly homophobic comments in an interview with GQ magazine.  

The homophobic comments were no doubt outrageously offensive, but I'm surprised that some of his racist comments have flown under the radar.  I found his claim that the black people he grew up with in Jim Crow-era Louisiana were never mistreated to be astoundingly ignorant.  He paints a picture of black people singing in the cotton fields, happily working for the white man without a care in the world, until the twin plagues of "entitlement" and "welfare" rode into town and turned that idyllic world into hell.  It's a hard sell.  I'm definitely not buying it, and I think you'd have to be racist, or at least really fucking clueless, to do so.  I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's just willfully ignorant.  Although this picture of him in blackface is a bit suspicious...

For shame.

Anyway, like pretty much everything that happens on Earth these days, people’s reactions to the event are far more interesting than the event itself.  Sides were immediately taken, with Team Duck receiving kind words and support from none other than the governor of Louisiana, Jobby Bindle (I especially like the Spoonerized version of his name because the imagery wonderfully captures his transformation from sitting Governor to itinerant Presidential hopeful, traversing the country with one hand grasping the polka-dotted bindlestick slung over his shoulder while the other hand sheepishly rocks a tin can back and forth as he ingratiates himself with GOP power brokers).  Jindal/Robertson 2016.  You heard it here first.  And hopefully last. 

I don't know how I feel about A&E indefinitely suspending Robertson.  It's certainly their right to do so, but it seems like an empty gesture that won't make anything better.  It's also leading to quite the backlash, and I'm not so sure A&E wants the spotlight shined on it instead of on Phil Robertson.  After all, this is the network that once aired such highbrow fare as Beethoven's Fidelio and Agatha Cristie's Poirot, but has now resorted to airing Duck Dynasty, Criss Angel Mindfreak, Dog the Bounty Hunter, and about 38 different reality shows with the word "war" in the title e.g. Parking Wars, Storage Wars, Dancing With The Wars, Shipping Wars, Shopping Wars, Puppy Wars, Curb Your Warthusiasm, Pawn Shop Wars, Wars & Recreation, etc. etc. etc.  It's not too difficult to imagine tons of people of boycotting A&E and discovering that they're really not missing out on anything.  It would be in A&E's best interest to let all this be water under the bridge, or I guess water off a duck's back. 

It's not like Phil Robertson would have a hard time getting a new TV gig if he wanted one.  His life story just screams cable TV: he grew up dirt poor in northern Louisiana, got a football scholarship to Louisiana Tech (an oxymoron on par with 'Kansas City'), turned into a violent alcoholic who kicked his wife and kids out of the home, and finally, as sure as the sockeye salmon will swim hundreds of miles upstream to spawn before dying, completed the life cycle of the angry young Southern male by renouncing his sinful ways and accepting Jesus Christ as his savior.  Jesus tests really well in focus groups across all key demographics in America, which is pretty much unheard of for a Middle Easterner.  If I were in charge of programming over at Fox News, I'd just hand the entire weekend over to Phil Robertson.  He could have a cooking show where he grills up some shrimp while Sean Hannity accuses the remoulade of being communist.  

Obviously I'm not a fan of Phil Robertson's screwy socially conservative beliefs, but I also have a problem with the duck call he invented.  It just doesn't seem fair.  As if a human brain, camouflage, opposable thumbs, and hunting rifles weren’t enough unfair advantages, we had to go and introduce duck calls into the mix?  I just hope when the aliens come to take over Earth they have really weird voices and are incapable of mimicking human speech, to at least give us a fighting chance.  Wouldn’t it be something if aliens from, say, the seventh moon of Alpha Rigel DQX-17 show up here in a few years with a machine that precisely mimics human speech and use said machine to assist in their invasion and then later admit they got the idea while watching reruns of Duck Dynasty?  I bet y’all Duck Dynasty fans would sure feel stupid then.   

In conclusion, here is a list of things that I, as a heterosexual man, find more desirable than a man’s anus: 1) female anus; 2) ducks; 3) squirrels; 4) killing things including but not limited to items two and three; 5) our new alien overlords from Alpha Rigel DQX-17, provided they are not into male-on-male butt stuff.  Seriously, those gay Rigelians gross me out.  God created Zurmplek and Borp, NOT Zurmplek and Glorp!!!   

Pay no attention to the phallic object in my mouth.

Children of a lesser fraud

Aww man y'all heard that Nelson Mandela died last week?  I don't know much about world history but I heard he was this dude who got put in prison on some island for like 27 years before finally busting out and heading to Mexico.  I think they made a movie about it and Morgan Freeman played him.  But yeah, it's really sad that he's dead.  I just hope his son Howie is holding up okay.  

Anyway the big news now is how crazy Mandela's memorial service was.  Apparently President Obama was invited to it but he spent the whole time taking selfies with the Danish Prime Minister and making out with Raul Castro.  Such bad manners.  I was really excited when I heard that Elton John was going to be there to perform a retooled version of one of his classics, but I was expecting something along the lines of "Mandela in the Wind" rather than "Funeral for a Friend".    

But all those things pale in comparison to the utterly unfathomable weirdness of the service's sign language interpreter.  Thamsanqa Jamtjie, the ANC-approved interpreter, was actually a fraud.  Somehow he was allowed to take the stage and remain there for hours, basically doing the Macarena or whatever else cheremic gibberish he could dream up while dignitaries from all over the world gave heartfelt speeches unaware of the troll standing 3 feet away from them flashing baseball signs.  So if any of y'all were wondering why David Cameron stole home at the end of Obama's speech, now you know.  

That Jamtjie's meaningless "self-invented" gestures could command a place onstage at such a major global event is emblematic of a world in which delusional self-confidence and bluster have superseded actual competency.  And for that, he deserves to be rewarded.  Move over, Pope Francis.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Thamsanqa Jamjtie, TIME magazine's 2013 Person of the Year!

 

Upon hearing of his unexpected accolade, Thamsanqa Jantjie released this statement: “Many thanks, [right hand forms claw for five seconds while left hand extends pinkie finger] squeeze be informed how is why [sign of letter C five times in rapid succession] such governor of essence [uninterrupted jazz hands for thirteen minutes] and forbid suffer of correspondence marble future.  Again, [right hand forms fist and moves in alternating clockwise and counterclockwise circles for ten seconds] silent walnut [rocking motion of left hand for twelve seconds] much victorious marble future.  Marble future [conducts imaginary symphony in D flat minor for thirty seven minutes] enjoy always.”

 They also made a movie about him.

This will be my testimony

“We have a severe baby problem here in Hawai'i.  Every time I see a baby, it makes me angry.  So I just take its stroller, emptying out the contents first, of course (I'm no monster), and smash it with a sledgehammer until it’s inoperable.  I destroy them so they can’t be pushed on the streets.  And if I see a baby asleep at the bus stop or park during the night, I’m fine with that.  I won't do anything.  But if I see a baby asleep during the day, nuh-uh, that’s unacceptable.  I wake that lazy baby right up and bark at them, ‘get your ass moving!’  When you are walking down the street carrying a sledgehammer and wearing a garland of tiny baby skulls around your neck, people get out of your way. "

cf. some evil piece of shit state legislator from Hawai'i (who's a Democrat by the way, so can't no one accuse Shaq of being partisan anymore).

Cocaine Brothers

Haha say y'all heard of this crack-smoking Canadanian dude Rob Ford?  He's the current Mayor of Canada and his brother Drug Ford is a City Councillor.  The Fords of Toronto are a political dynasty much like the Fords of Detroit are an automotive and losing football dynasty.  Rob Ford hails from a part of Toronto called, appropriately enough, Etobicoke.  He's only 44 years old but he's got one of those faces of meth things going on where he looks like he's actually in his 60s.  He'd be great as Toronto's official mascot or Town Crier or comically fat Sheriff, but as Mayor he leaves a lot to be desired.  In addition to the whole crack scandal he's been accused of corruption, racism, sexual harassment, plus this one time he fell down while trying to throw a football and it was pretty hilarious.  I guess Canadians are just as stupid about their politicians as we Americans are, seeing as how Ford has refused to step down yet still has ardent supporters.

Rob Ford sound asleep at a city council meeting held for some reason at Caesar's Palace.

Everyone's having a field day making fun of Rob Ford's striking resemblance to such plumpy spheres as Chris Farley, Rush Limbaugh, John Wayne Gacy, and Grimace, but if you ask me Ford looks and acts most similar to Baron Harkonnen from the movie Dune. 

Crack is the mind-killer.  Crack is the little death that brings total obliteration.

I think ol’ Baron Fordkonnen should lay off the spice, know what I’m saying?  Looks like he’s been trained by the Denny’s Gesserit, am I right?   

Upon his election in 2010  he was hailed by Canadian conservatives as the arrival of the Kwisatz Haderach, a long awaited messianic figure who would lead them to a position of supreme power not just in Toronto, but throughout all of Ontario and even into the Maritime Provinces that's a thing right?  Those are real places?  I don't know much about Canadia.  Unfortunately for Canadian conservatives, after this scandal Ford is looking more like an Ersatz Cadillac. 

As if the crack scandal wasn't enough of a PR nightmare, Ford later badly bungled a press conference held for the express purpose of denying allegations of sexual harassment.  Talking about his accuser, he said (apparently without any regard for how poorly his crudeness would go over) that he would never "eat her pussy" because he was happily married and thus "had enough to eat at home."  

Speaking of having enough to eat at home, guess who doesn't?  That's right, poor Americans who have to resort to government assistance such as food stamps just to, as Dubya would say, put food on their family.  Well a lot of assholes in Congress want to require hungry poor people to pass a drug test in order to be eligible to receive food stamps.  One such asshole is Representative Trey Radel, a Republican (big surprise) from Florida (shocker!).  Radel's stance would be fine (albeit heartless) if he himself hadn't pled guilty to cocaine possession a couple of weeks ago.  So now this hypocritical piece of shit has, unlike Ford, agreed to take a leave of absence and go to rehab.  I suppose this is a good thing, but I'd have preferred if Radel's response to getting caught was even crazier than Ford's.  Like he and his fellow Congressional druggies (and you just know there's a bunch of them) should have dressed as Native Americans and taken to the Potomac to dump gallons upon gallons of their drug-tainted urine samples into it.  And maybe afterwards they could set up a plank and force poor people to walk it, and upon splashing into the freshly beurined waters the poors would be greeted by a bunch of Pee Party Congressional interns dressed as alligators and armed with hacksaws.  The internagator who emerged from the Potomac with the most trophies (aka amputated poor person hands) would win like a $50 Starbucks gift card or something.  I dunno, maybe an iPod Nano also if that's even a thing anymore. 

Phin de siecle

Damn y’all heard of the Miami Dolphins?  That team is in turmoil fa sho ever since it was revealed that this dude Richie (yes really that’s his real first name, he’s an adult human male with the first name Richie) Incognito (yes really that’s his real last name, not a vestige of a stage-named porn past or something the FBI dreamed up as part of the witness relocation program, he’s an adult human male with the last name Incognito) has been hazing/harassing/tormenting/extorting his Fins teammate and fellow offensive lineman Jonathan Martin.  The Dolphins already kicked Incognito off the team so now the poor guy doesn’t even have a beach to take his talents to.  

People have been asking me if there was any hazing in the NBA.  There was a little bit of the veterans giving the rooks a hard time, but nothing like what goes down in the NFL.  I mean sure, there was this one time I urinated in ma boy Dwyane Wade's Gatorade, but c'mon, that was classic!  We were playing the Detroit Pistons and he asked me what a 'piston' even was, so I said to him, I said "SHEEEIT, I JUST 'PISTON' YOUR GATORADE SON OH SHIT BURN SON AH HA HA LOLZ!!!"  We all had a good laugh about it once he got out of the hospital.  Oh yeah, we went on to win the NBA championship the next season.  I don't think that's a coincidence.  

So there you go, scientific proof that hazing works, at least in the NBA.  I think maybe, maybe Incognito took things too far, but more likely he's just misunderstood, right?  So he called Martin a “half-nigger” which let’s be real, coming from a racist that’s really like half a compliment.  And so he threatened to shit in Martin’s mouth which let’s be real, coming from a developmentally arrested manboy that’s actually kinda sweet.  And then he went on to threaten to slap Martin’s mom across the face which let’s be real, coming from an irredeemably psychopathic asshole that’s actually somewhat considerate.  Hmm now that I think about it, I totally agree with the surprisingly large number of NFL players, sports media, and fans on Team Richie who say that Jonathan Martin was being a wuss by not fighting back.  

Yes, all you concussion-addled former and current NFLers and all you meathead athlete-manque Twitter warriors who took Incognito's side during all this, you are completely correct.  Jonathan Martin's refusal to inflict physical harm on a teammate is just another example of what so many of the leading intellectual lights of the Intertubes are calling the "pussification" of the NFL.  Don't you just love that word, "pussification"?  What a marvelous pejorative.  After all, what could be worse than a vagina, amirite???  What we need to do is promote the PENISIFICATION OF MURKA!  Back in, for instance, Mike Ditka's time you could unwind after a long hard girthy day of tackling your sweaty tights-wearing fellow man by filling a sock with ejaculate quarters and swinging it right in your secret crush rookie teammate's face and breaking his sweet trusting heart eye socket LIKE A REAL MAN WOULD.  If in the fevered attempt to prove your manhood you wind up forgetting your humanity, so what?  That's just medial collateral ligament damage IT HAPPENS IN WAR ALL THE TIME LOOK IT UP EINSTEIN.  FOOTBALL IS ANALOGOUS TO WAR AND PEPPERING THE INTERWEBS WITH PAEANS CELEBRATING LOCKER ROOM ABUSE IS JUST LIKE GOING ON A USO TOUR.  Man all this poissonification of the NFL is driving me crazy I mean dolphins aren't fish first of all.  USING VIOLENCE TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS IS THE AMERICAN DREAM, but we all know that thanks to Obama the American Dream is dead.  I HOPE YOUR HAPY LIBRULS.
  
The worst part of this whole scandal was when Obama got on TV and said that if he had a fat son he would look just like Jonathan Martin.  And then upon winning reelection Chris Christie went on the air to announce if he had a clone he would look just like Richie Incognito.  Not to be outdone, Toronto mayor Rob Ford held a tear-filled press conference where he affirmed that if he had an American son he would look just like Richie Incognito.  But then Rush Limbaugh outdid them all by announcing that Richie Incognito was in fact his biological son, which pretty much explains everything about this whole mess. 

Full disclosure, I actually met Incognito once at a charity golf tournament in Miami.  I could tell he was a disturbed dude by the way he was treating one of the female volunteers (and I don’t mean Candace Parker).  He was poking at the woman’s vagina with his golf club (and curiously enough, I didn’t hear any meatheads complaining then that he was contributing to the "pussification" of golf).  I’ve seen insecure men use all sorts of things as a surrogate penis but that was definitely the first time I got to check off “9-iron” on my copy of Surrogate Penis Bingo.   

Speaking of surrogate penises, Incognito’s SUV had one of those “Eracism” bumper stickers so I didn’t have him pegged as a racist but turns out it was just an advertisement for his racist website.